Partner arrested, that's that then

[Gardenalia]

I got a visit from a police officer last night. It was a safeguarding visit as it turns out my now-XP has been arrested for possession of extreme pornography. I had no idea of course, it was a massive shock (understatement).

The PO was concerned for my safety as XP had been released and had told them he was coming to my house. But I had no worries for my safety at all: I know he is a coward - which 'man' who uses such stuff is not?? - so I locked everything up, put a note on the door telling him to fuck off but leave my key, and waited. In due course I heard him outside. He evidently read the note (he took it), decided I was serious about calling the police if he tried to get in - which would be a disaster for him - left the key and fucked off. I will never see his gross face again.

God I'm so fucking livid! Most of all for the victims of this type of pornography (well, all porn) and for his daughters. Yes, he has daughters. Just...fucking...how? How can someone victimise women in this way when they have daughters?

I'm also livid for me. I'm 63, we had a pleasant time together for 7 years, but this is now the end of the road for me and men/sex. I wanted to choose for myself when I would finally give up on the revolting creatures but my hand has been forced. I hate that.

Just posting because I won't tell anyone IRL but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'll just say I got bored of him so we went our separate ways ho hum.

But inside I'm fucking RAGING!

Exactly the same, I think anyone on/been on sex offenders register shouldnt be allowed to change their name. Also think they shouldn't be allowed different email addresses or to change their phone numbers so social media/dating sites cannot be accessed, lost that privilege!

I completely agree.

When I worked in prisons you could see the history of their name changes and it was shocking.
They can even somehow change their DOB and place of birth etc.

Surely that’s the whole point of being on a sex offenders register.
And how does things like Claire’s law work if people can just change their name or use a fake name.

Anyone caught doing so should be immediately sent back to prison.

He was straight back on hinge. I reported him but not sure if anything happened

Great lady. Have you been tested for STI? Wishing you a very happy future.

Yeh I don't see the point. When I found his parole office (or whatever they're called for the sex register) he told me the name change shows on clares law/Sarah's law as long as legally registered. So if they just decide to socially change their name you wouldn't know. It's disgusting and other than having to check in nothing is different.

He was on it for life but apparently after so many years and a clean bill can apply to be off of it - hoping me reporting meant he wouldn't be coming off of it. Dirty bastard

The older I get the more disillusioned I get with men. So many awful stories online and in real life I despair.
Years ago I remember an older relative saying she was done with men after a divorce and I felt sad that she’d ruled out a romantic relationship. I’m not quite there myself (and am in a ltr anyway) but I do get it now. Fast forward 10+ yrs she’s happy and thriving, as I’m sure you will too be op! Best of luck. Hope they throw the book at him.

Glad the police got his ass, these men think there is zero consequence to their internet searches. I feel like there is a whole hoard of men who just generally feel this is ok, and do not connect the intellectual dots when it comes to their own children, its all about their desires however sordid they are.

When they get found out its always an excuse of sort so I hope the police sees through things. And dam you are amazing how you handled it.

Good re. the washing!

Re-arranging the furniture can also make a home seem really different.

Ah he wasn’t part of my home really, it’s very much mine and I’ve got it the way I like it.

i always knew this would come to an end sooner or later - i was getting very bored of him - i just didn’t expect it to end like this. At least i won’t have to put up with him crying and begging bleeurgh when i end it!

You are so strong!

Well done for doing exactly the right thing.

Change your locks. Get rid of his stuff.

Just wanted to add my support.

And you are entitled to deal with this any way you want, of course.

I just wanted to say, don't rule out the possibility that, further down the line, you may need some emotional support, to help you overcome the shock, revulsion and anger this must have caused.

If one of my close female friend revealed something like this, I would be happy to support her and would keep it entirely confidential.

Alternatively, professional counselling may be a good idea. A charity like Rape Crisis would be able to offer support, if you can't afford to go private.

Anyhow, for now, look after yourself. I am so sorry this has happened. What a disgusting specimen he is!

I’m more likely to go with professional counselling than confiding in friends. I had been thinking of going back to one I’ve used before anyway, to plan getting rid of XP and the next stage of my life (retiring in three years) post-DC (all flown and flying) and post-relationships. I’ll have a good old rant about this debacle while I’m at it. I do think I need to talk this through with someone face to face.

Christ op, I’m sorry, that’s awful! And also….so bloody worrying! These rancid fuckers walk amongst us and, how would you ever know? It’s not like they’ll admit “oh by the way, I like child porn/snuff films” etc? Horrifying.
And I also watched the Giselle Pelicot program last night. Such a brave woman but the fact that her (revolting, sick in the head, ought to have his balls chopped off with a spoon) “husband” managed to find more than 70 men to partake in that vile, vile shit? I find that….unthinkable….

Thank you to everyone for your support and wise counsel. Mumsnet at its very best! I’m so glad I posted.

thank you OP for sharing your (albeit horrible) story. Counselling is the way forward to start afresh. I highly recommend hypnotherapy for trauma. Good luck for the future. ♥️

Well done OP for being strong and getting rid of that vile creature. I would change the locks though for your peace of mind and safety.

This ^^
Dont keep his behaviour a secret. That’s how they get away with it.

Tell anyone who’ll listen. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

You’ve done well to act decisively. Keep it up. 💐

Yes, it’s not all men, we know that. However, it’s becoming more apparent that given the opportunity it’s an awful lot of them. Far more than we suspected.

Society reigns in men’s basest desires and urges. Society isn’t doing a great job at that, right now.

As for why you split up, I think I’d go with an outraged, ‘ As well as being as boring as fuck, turns out he’s a police involved level pervert! I hope I never hear his name again, filthy animal!’.

Hi OP this happened to a good friend of mine, and they were married with young DC. It's such a tremendous shock isn't it. She had the police at the door at 6am and he was arrested on the spot, she'd had no clue.
She threw him out as soon as he was bailed and came crawling back home, but the police said that in these cases, around 50% of the wives do stay with the man. I still find this hard to believe - surely if anything is a dealbreaker, it's THIS!
Well done on being so decisive and strong - I wish you the best.

@LovesLabradors I’m so sad for your friend, being tied to a piece of scum contractually (ie married) and by being a co-parent is a real nightmare. I hope she is ok.

How anyone can do these things when they have children is just beyond me. I can’t compute it. But then I’m not a man I guess.

i feel I have very little to grieve over really, in comparison. It’s sunny today and I feel good.

He was always going on about moving in and getting married yuk yuk yuk. To be fair I never would have married him (financial suicide, he totally would have given up his job the moment the ink was dry!) but at one point the thought of tea every morning did lead me to consider moving him in. A lucky escape.

Yes - a lucky escape, but still traumatising, because, well it just is, isn't it. Therapy is a very good idea, once you've got over the shock.
My friend is ok - but my god, it took her years to extricate herself from the marriage, and an awful lot of money in court fees. He fought everything. He kept dragging her into court to gain access to the children - and believe it or not, the social workers seemed ok with him having access "because he'd never actually harmed a real child" (!) Beyond belief.
She's been on TV talking about it (anonymously) and the trauma she went through stopping her sex offender ex-H seeing the DC. She's strong too - and she won through in the end - he got no contact and was banned from contacting her or the dc again. She's doing good now.

On a practical note, if your front door and back door are similar, you can switch the barrel of the locks round, so front door key becomes back door key. YouTube for videos. If he's never had a back key this will probably be enough to keep him at bay (doesn't sound bright enough to think about you swapping the barrels). I used to do it on rented properties to prevent ex-tennants and nosy landlords getting in.

An update for all the lovely people who supported me here two weeks ago….

i emailed him at work to come collect his stuff, which I left in an outbuilding. He arrived bang on time, packed up his car and drove off. He didn’t look at the house once. He knew I was watching, with my big loud dogs. Bye bye pervert.

I’ve told my two best friends and my DC everything, they’ve been v supportive indeed. Everyone else, I’ve just said I dumped him for being boring and he didn’t take it well.

Since all that drama I’ve been so at peace. I’d had a feeling something was off in my world - I even told pervert this when he asked why I didn’t want sex - and it turns out, yet again, that your gut KNOWS. I think they’d started questioning him in late January, because he went completely quiet at that point and started drinking massively.

I’ve spent the evenings sorting, tidying and learning how to use my drill rather than watching stupid telly with a loser. Life feels good and clean and simple.

Thank you to everyone who posted. I sincerely hope this doesn’t happen to any of you 💐

Enjoy the good and clean and simple.
Bliss!