Husband getting nasty

[AmberOtter]

very long story which i’ll try and shorten…

My DH (soon to not be hopefully!) and i have been having some problems for the 6 months or so. We are NOT getting on. He is verbally and emotionally abusive and at times some physical aggression (pushing/shoving)

We have 3 DC (oldest is mine) and i would like him to leave but he is refusing to. I have said i would leave (would have to leave my job as i work nights) he said if i leave and take the DC and claim maintenance that he will ‘destroy’ me by making up lies to my family/employers/police and informing social services that i am abusive to my DC. He wants me to sign something to say i won’t claim child maintenance and to be honest i am tempted. I KNOW for a fact he will carry out these threats. I’ve not got any ‘proof’ of his emotional abuse so how do i go about this please?

You need to get out.

What is the housing situation? Owned? Rented? In whose name?

I left a vile man last year. You can do this

He hasn't got any "proof' that you are abusive. Social services are so used to spouses/ex spouses making allegations, don't worry and see a solicitor as soon as you can.

Even if you signed to say you won't claim maintenance, I doubt it would hold up in a court of law. Why wouldn't you claim money your children are entitled to?

Surely you can only take your own child anyway? Is he even that child’s father?

we are both on a joint tenancy for a property we rent. In this respect i suppose we would just give a months notice. I have enough money for a deposit and first months rent etc. The other issue i may have is actually finding someone to rent to me as a single person with 3 children 😔

@saveforthat because he is threatening to make up lies to my employer/police/social services. So am wondering to just be rid of him and all the issues is to sacrifice any child maintenance - he puts money above anything and anyone including his own DC.

There’s no evidence so the police / etc could look into it

But you’re in an abusive relationship so it’s different.
speak to women’s aid

One thing i found really helpful when I was prepping to leave was being open and honest with those around me - family, friends, work. Once i started talking things became easier

Do not sign anything.

Go to the police and make a report, he is being abusive and he will lie about you to others no matter what you do so get his abuse on police record now.
Also get recordings of his behaviour and threats if you can, set up a hidden nanny cam if you must. Write down every incident. Make sure he does not have any access to your money.

Tell your family and friends about his behaviour and threats, do not protect him by keeping any of it quite. This is important in the likelyhood that he escalates, you need to protect yourself and your children.

Please don't do this. Seek legal advice

Report him to the police. Document every single incident of pushing and shoving you. Get help, advice and support from Women’s Aid. See a solicitor as soon as possible.

sign what exactly? a contract? would that be notarised in some way?

you don't have to claim CMS right away afaik (I know money wise you might be in desp need, but safety first)

I only claimed once I filed for divorce and I was away from him by that point

@THATflowersandheartsbullshit i have actually thought about speaking to my employer to pre warn them as such, but the thought of it is so bloody embarrassing (have no idea why i feel that way, seems stupid really!)

It is doubtful that any signed agreement re not claiming maintenance in the future is in any way legally binding, especially within the context of domestic abuse. Get advice from women’s aid and get out as quick as you can. Also the bit about convincing employers and social service that you are a terrible person and even worse parent should s fairly standard and part of the standard script of domestic abuse/coercive control. If possible you may want to advise your manager/ employer that this is likely to come - many larger employers with hr departments have policies this. Women’s aid may be able with getting you rehoused, getting relevant court orders in place etc.
Take it step by step with support and don’t forget that those of us who have ever worked with domestic abuse have heard this exact same story “I can destroy your life and your integrity because everyone will believe me” again and again.
And once you get the headspace do the freedom program offered by women’s aid.

He's bluffing. Why do you think police/social services etc will believe him? You seem to have the means to move so do so asap then claim CMS

You can’t possibly cave in. Send him a text message saying you’re not caving into blackmail and you expect him to provide financially in the same way you provide for your children.

Then if he responds you’ve got it in writing.

The police and SS are WELL used to every versions of this bollocks

and warn your employer in advance

My ex said/threatened the same..... he tried amd failed, especially when I reported him to the police. Sign it.....maintenance will still happen as its a legal requirement. Anything else money wise you just say it was signed out of coercion.

Let him think he has the upper hand for now and moved out. Then set fire to it in front of him.

My son’s dad did this and I had to speak to the police and social services and discuss in family court but everyone dismissed his accusations very quickly. Don’t worry about it OP

I don’t think the document would be legally binding so that’s a silly idea of his. I wouldn’t sign it anyway.

Pls do leave him x

Do you have family / friends you can speak with first maybe? The first time i spoke about it in real life was hard, but it got easier and peoples reactions verified my feelings almost making me see I did not have to put up with this

How old are your dc?

I am going to speak to woman’s aid (need to do this when DC back at school). Also there is probably some financial abuse as well. Since not getting on another way to ‘punish’ me is for him to decide to spilt finances but what he gives me isn’t half the share of everything, so he is ordering designer clothes after designer clothes whilst i’m making up the shortfall. Also our DC has just been awarded DLA which now he wants half of as he ‘looks after DC as well’. I have tried to explain to him DLA is not paid to parents for looking after their DC but for the benefit of our DC and to buy/access things that will make DC’s life a little easier but he doesn’t care/listen.

Bits of this are really familiar to me

For me he would contribute maybe 20% of his income to the household - the rest went on him (clothes, shoes, nights out etc)

He is now livid he has to pay maintainence

@THATflowersandheartsbullshit i opened up to one friend last week who was very supportive and said it was emotionally abuse and encouraged me to contact woman’s aid.

DC are 11,9 and 5.

It makes no difference whether you sign the document or not. Not sure whether this is good advice but I'd sign it just to placate him for now...anything to make your life easier and safer.

Once you're away from him and you've calmed down a bit you can then claim maintenance. You can just pre-warn everyone that he's threatened to tell lies about you and social services will be used to this kind of thing. The most they will do is ring to check you're ok....I know because my 'friend' reported me!