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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband getting nasty

70 replies

AmberOtter · 14/02/2026 18:32

very long story which i’ll try and shorten…

My DH (soon to not be hopefully!) and i have been having some problems for the 6 months or so. We are NOT getting on. He is verbally and emotionally abusive and at times some physical aggression (pushing/shoving)

We have 3 DC (oldest is mine) and i would like him to leave but he is refusing to. I have said i would leave (would have to leave my job as i work nights) he said if i leave and take the DC and claim maintenance that he will ‘destroy’ me by making up lies to my family/employers/police and informing social services that i am abusive to my DC. He wants me to sign something to say i won’t claim child maintenance and to be honest i am tempted. I KNOW for a fact he will carry out these threats. I’ve not got any ‘proof’ of his emotional abuse so how do i go about this please?

OP posts:
paulhollywoodshairgel · 14/02/2026 19:24

Get in first and report his abuse of you to the police. Hopefully you can get a restraining order or a non molestation order. I hope you get away from this vile man. ❤️❤️

Original poster
AmberOtter · 14/02/2026 21:27

how can i report to the police if i don’t have proof as such?

OP posts:
Flukingflukes · 14/02/2026 21:34

These says, the police are supposed to take reports of domestic violence very seriously. You don’t have to be bruised and bleeding, you just tell them the truth.

HelloDenise · 15/02/2026 00:01

Riverflow6 · 14/02/2026 18:58

I don’t think the document would be legally binding so that’s a silly idea of his. I wouldn’t sign it anyway.

Pls do leave him x

Write one out and sign it Minnie Mouse.

stormwatcher · 15/02/2026 00:23

OP, I was in a similar position a couple of years ago.
I had a month's deposit and a month's rent, and found a small flat for me and my three children.
I didn't tell anyone except the bank and a solicitor-and looking back i wish i had.I could have stored some stuff at work, and asked for a salary advance etc.
He was arrested before we could leave-interestingly, all the threats that he would keep the kids evaporated after a 999 call and his arrest.
Don't do anything to provoke him or challenge him, but tell your employer, solicitor, womens aid and your GP and school. As long as you show you are seeking help to leave and protecting your children his threats will be hot air to professionals.You can call the police-if you are too scared to speak, press 55 and cough so they know you are there.
https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-us/domestic-abuse/

stormwatcher · 15/02/2026 00:23

OP, I was in a similar position a couple of years ago.
I had a month's deposit and a month's rent, and found a small flat for me and my three children.
I didn't tell anyone except the bank and a solicitor-and looking back i wish i had.I could have stored some stuff at work, and asked for a salary advance etc.
He was arrested before we could leave-interestingly, all the threats that he would keep the kids evaporated after a 999 call and his arrest.
Don't do anything to provoke him or challenge him, but tell your employer, solicitor, womens aid and your GP and school. As long as you show you are seeking help to leave and protecting your children his threats will be hot air to professionals.You can call the police-if you are too scared to speak, press 55 and cough so they know you are there.
https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-us/domestic-abuse/

LucyLoo1972 · 15/02/2026 01:35

AmberOtter · 14/02/2026 19:01

I am going to speak to woman’s aid (need to do this when DC back at school). Also there is probably some financial abuse as well. Since not getting on another way to ‘punish’ me is for him to decide to spilt finances but what he gives me isn’t half the share of everything, so he is ordering designer clothes after designer clothes whilst i’m making up the shortfall. Also our DC has just been awarded DLA which now he wants half of as he ‘looks after DC as well’. I have tried to explain to him DLA is not paid to parents for looking after their DC but for the benefit of our DC and to buy/access things that will make DC’s life a little easier but he doesn’t care/listen.

womens aid were very very helpful to me

Enrichetta · 15/02/2026 01:51

Keep a diary of all incidents/abuse - verbal, physical, financial.
Call Women’s Aid and, if possible, do the Freedom Programme
Report him to the police.
Check out Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites
Gather copies of ALL financial documents
See a family solicitor with experience in dealing with divorces where abuse is a factor.

YourOnMute · 15/02/2026 02:49

Keep notes of this. Speak to Women's Aid and follow their advice.
I had similar threats from my ex. He didn't get very far with the unfit parenting allegations despite his best efforts. I told close friends and family about his threats. There was something very liberating about this...also a friend pointed out to me that if an ex sudden started bad mouthing any friend like that they would realise there's probably an agenda behind it. I was most worried about work as keeping a job was so important as a single mum. He also stated that he would tell them "the truth" about my work performance, errors i had hidden etc etc. So I spoke to my manager about his threats and honestly work were so understanding.
Sorry you are going through this. It's awful.

DurinsBane · 15/02/2026 02:54

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/02/2026 18:39

Surely you can only take your own child anyway? Is he even that child’s father?

A lot of women leave and take all their kids, why would she leave her youngest 2 and only take the eldest? Yes it would easy to take the eldest as her DP isn’t their father and he is of the youngest 2

Italiangreyhound · 15/02/2026 03:06

I am so sorry, this is awful.

Please do warn your boss about the situation. That will take the 'fire' out of his threats.

Please do be careful with his shoving and violence, speak to women's aid about what to do. https://womensaid.org.uk/

He sounds like a completely awful man, and wanting you to sign to say you will not claim child maintenance is totally manipulative. It's an attempt at financial abuse in my opinion.

Yes, do keep notes but keep these secure where he cannot find them.

I really hope you will get you and the children away from this horrible man.

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://womensaid.org.uk

Italiangreyhound · 15/02/2026 03:08

stormwatcher I am so glad you got away from your abusive ex.

Excellent advice from you.

"Don't do anything to provoke him or challenge him, but tell your employer, solicitor, womens aid and your GP and school. As long as you show you are seeking help to leave and protecting your children his threats will be hot air to professionals.You can call the police-if you are too scared to speak, press 55 and cough so they know you are there."

MidnightScroller · 15/02/2026 04:56

If you sign anything make sure he puts his or else threats on it and signs too so you have evidence of his bullshit bullying behaviour. Sorry OP, what a bastard.

sidneytweeney · 15/02/2026 05:13

My ex made the same threat. I preempted it… got to my friends, the kids’ schools, colleagues / boss first. Reported him to the police- he got arrested for blackmail. What he is doing is illegal - it’s emotional and financial abuse and coercive control. It’s illegal. Take action. Show him now that you won’t take this shit or he will carry on until the kids are adults

Original poster
AmberOtter · 15/02/2026 08:51

@YourOnMute hes even said he will make an anonymous phone call to my work to say i have been seen outside having sex with someone! that’s how bad it is! who even thinks of these sort of things let alone acts on them? (which i know he would unfortunately)

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberOtter · 15/02/2026 08:54

Why wouldn’t i take my other children? I do EVERYTHING for them, schooling, endless appointments due to DS’s SEN. A large part of my money goes on giving them what they need. He puts himself first, always has. No way would i leave them with him.

OP posts:
LilyBunch25 · 15/02/2026 08:58

saveforthat · 14/02/2026 18:36

He hasn't got any "proof' that you are abusive. Social services are so used to spouses/ex spouses making allegations, don't worry and see a solicitor as soon as you can.

This, OP. He can make all the threats he likes but would need proof. My exh tried this to discredit me and was given very short shrift by the authorities. And believe me he was very convincing as a narcissist. They saw through it. Get help ASAP, tell a support organisation exactly what is going on including these threats- get it all out in the open now and rain on his planned parade. You CAN do this and you deserve better as do your children. Get full advance advice on housing, money, everything. Help is out there. Good luck 👍

LilyBunch25 · 15/02/2026 08:59

AmberOtter · 15/02/2026 08:51

@YourOnMute hes even said he will make an anonymous phone call to my work to say i have been seen outside having sex with someone! that’s how bad it is! who even thinks of these sort of things let alone acts on them? (which i know he would unfortunately)

Again my ex threatened similar. I spoke to my manager when I was looking to split, hard as it was to talk about, forewarned them. The more you tell people what is going on the better, trust me.

LilyBunch25 · 15/02/2026 09:01

AmberOtter · 15/02/2026 08:51

@YourOnMute hes even said he will make an anonymous phone call to my work to say i have been seen outside having sex with someone! that’s how bad it is! who even thinks of these sort of things let alone acts on them? (which i know he would unfortunately)

My ex. Who made himself look extremely bad in the process, because I had already spoken to everyone I could to explain what was going on and that he had threatened to discredit and "ruin" me everywhere he could. I made sure he couldn't.

LilyBunch25 · 15/02/2026 09:01

sidneytweeney · 15/02/2026 05:13

My ex made the same threat. I preempted it… got to my friends, the kids’ schools, colleagues / boss first. Reported him to the police- he got arrested for blackmail. What he is doing is illegal - it’s emotional and financial abuse and coercive control. It’s illegal. Take action. Show him now that you won’t take this shit or he will carry on until the kids are adults

Exavtly what I did 👍

WizdomE · 15/02/2026 09:02

Your first step is go and talk to a family law solicitor, you cannot just walk away from a joint tenancy, you both have to agree to end it. However if you document the escalating abuse with the solicitor you can get a restraining order additionally engage with a womens crisis centre, your power will come from educating yourself in your options and rights as quickly as possible. Do not tell your husband any correspondence should go to an alternative address.

kkneat · 15/02/2026 09:08

Contact your local domestic abuse services, the services will be on your council website. Sometimes it can be done via text or email to start off it’s your children will be at home this week. They will talk you through housing in your area, occupation orders etc. Also call your local children’s services to seek advice, they can then case note his threats and his abuse so that if he does start making malicious calls they’ll have some background. Hope you can get some help

Gingernaut · 15/02/2026 09:09

AmberOtter · 14/02/2026 18:52

@THATflowersandheartsbullshit i have actually thought about speaking to my employer to pre warn them as such, but the thought of it is so bloody embarrassing (have no idea why i feel that way, seems stupid really!)

Think again

Tell everyone, including your employer and especially the police

He is coercive, emotionally and physically abusive

Gingernaut · 15/02/2026 09:09

Accidentally double posted. Sorry

Ifonlyitwasthe90s · 15/02/2026 09:10

Hi op i haven't caught up on the whole thread yet but just quickly wanted to throw in, don't "antagonise" him (it's never on the victim hopefully you understand what I mean) by signing anything in a false name, tearing it up, telling him you're on to him etc etc

Just get as safe as you can, as quicky as is feasible. Read the links in blue at the top of the relationship board.

Just look like you are going along with what he wants until you are safe or stay as neutral as you possibly can