Husband getting nasty

[AmberOtter]

very long story which i’ll try and shorten…

My DH (soon to not be hopefully!) and i have been having some problems for the 6 months or so. We are NOT getting on. He is verbally and emotionally abusive and at times some physical aggression (pushing/shoving)

We have 3 DC (oldest is mine) and i would like him to leave but he is refusing to. I have said i would leave (would have to leave my job as i work nights) he said if i leave and take the DC and claim maintenance that he will ‘destroy’ me by making up lies to my family/employers/police and informing social services that i am abusive to my DC. He wants me to sign something to say i won’t claim child maintenance and to be honest i am tempted. I KNOW for a fact he will carry out these threats. I’ve not got any ‘proof’ of his emotional abuse so how do i go about this please?

How are people in this position supposed to pay for a solicitor?

Let him OP.

Everyone that knows you will know it's bollocks. He'll just make himself look deranged.

I hope you are ok and manage to get out xx

@whereisitnow exactly. i have money for deposit and first months rent but that’s it!

This is what he is relying on

Once you tell someone it will become easier for you to be honest with yourself, less scared of the reaction of others

Call his bluff. Do what is best and safetst for you and your kids

Best of luck

Your OP mentioned eldest was yours, rather than eldest not his so I think PP understood it that you were not the mother to the other 2

Well thats the issue with emotional/financial abuse, usually there is very little evidence. However you need to take a quiet hour and write down instances of control, manipulation. Not exact dates but incidents, youll be surprised at when you list one, you remember another and it goes on. Once you have a few then report it, its enough to have him arrested and bailed to another address. Womens Aid will also assist. Then it gives you space to breath. I kept a notepad in the kitchen and when I remembered something else, I jotted it down. Go back through messages if you ever argued on there.

Youll also be surprised at how many crack and deflect/admit because "she made me do it" under interview.

is that threat in writing or did he say it to you?

I know exactly how you feel.
Honestly please speak to work. I was dreading it and I actually started crying when telling my manager. But work was absolutely brilliant.
Telling people about these threats really gave me a sense of peace. It removed some of the power from him.

Tell your employer or HR or whoever is the most professional and empathetic. Report him to police so there is a record. Call women's aid for advice. Seek legal assistance. Do not sign anything. Do not sign anything. This is about to get worse so the more people who know the better. You won't have space for embarrassment when he puts you in the hospital then tells everyone you self harmed.

I've been the employer in this situation and I was so glad she trusted me, we were able to support with storage, a safety plan, we loaned her a personal safety device we use in the workplace that connects directly to police, along with a letter to leave around that said all employees were being issued with them, we gave her time during the day to view properties, attend counselling and work with women's aid. So he had no idea. When she left him and moved into a new place with her children she changed it was like a weight had been lifted, her whole demeanor was different it sounds weird but even her posture was different. That was a couple of years ago and she is flying, her children are settled, she's had a promotion, her ex is still an idiot who barely sees the children but tbh that's probably for the best anyway.
I would tell your boss if you can you might be surprised by how much they want to help

My Ex and I had a child each. He agreed not to claim CM and I gave him a larger settlement to reflect that. Along with still having full financial responsibility for both DC.

He still claimed CM. He had the right. We had to play this stupid game for years of paying each other the same amount. Him constantly claiming I was hiding money or my DC lived either him half the week. Was all a bit tedious. All at uni now.

So sign away as it doesn’t mean anything.

You need to get help from women’s aid or your local domestic abuse charity. This is coercive control and is illegal and they may be able to help you with housing. Please OP reach out and start asking for help.

i know i need to start asking for help and telling people, it’s just so hard and i do feel embarrassed regarding my situation. The other thing is everyone who has met him thinks he is great, although i suppose that’s quite normal in an abuse situation.

Textbook op.....my ex is seen as the lovely social guy who can work a room. Served charges last week, the mask is slipping.

Please tell your employer.

My senior leadership team would be very supportive if any employee came to us with something like this. It also helps them to be aware just in case you need time off at short notice etc. They won’t judge you, they will very likely be sympathetic and want to help you.

Good luck op

I had to sign away my right for financial support ,under threat of violence, to get out of the house. When I told my solicitor she just laughed and said it wasn’t worth the paper it was written on.

I found it said everything that it was my exs first thought

please tell your employer you will be surprised they prob have dealt with situations like this before. The majority of people will be supportive and want to help. Please get out asap he is a bully . I know it’s scary but you can do this. The shame is not yours it’s his to bare so talk to people please

A signed piece of paper signing away rights that is done under duress is worth… nothing.

I agree, sign nothing

OP this man has worn you down.
Yes he might seem fantastic to
outsiders but you’d be surprised. Many people will have sensed there is something off about him.
He is acting the way he is because he has you isolated and is feeding you falsehoods - what he’s going to do, nobody will believe you, the police won’t help.
All of that depends on your silence.
Financially you are in a tough spot because he’s spending most of your earnings. It is financial abuse. The fact that he wants any control on the DLA shows what type of person he is - stealing from his own child’s wellbeing.
Don’t be embarrassed - most people are good people. Your workplace will help. Talk to your GP.
The advice about the notes is great - just not down incidents you can remember. At this stage, a notebook probably isn’t great but email them to a friend and get them to keep them for you.
I did this for a friend. She did give me permission to read them and I was dumbfounded at first about what she was going through. I won’t go into details but it was horrendous.
She is many years on now, she did eventually involve the police. She now works supporting DV victims via our local authority. Her DC are grown and have no contact with their father.
What you have to do is park any sense of embarrassment or that he is the big I Am. He’s not and I bet there will be people who’ve met him who think he’s an arse.
You clearly have a good job, you are already single parenting in so many ways, so living without this man is the last step to freedom.
You and your DC deserve safety. Use those skills you have when you advocate for your kids to now advocate for yourself.