Feeling confused and weak about being NC with my mum.

[LondonLady1980]

I’m going to keep the background short:

My mum was a single parent (dad very much on the scene though) and I had a pretty crappy childhood… abandonment, physical and emotional abuse, all lasting up to my teenage years until I moved out. Throughout my adult years the emotional games have continued…. me feeling like I’m on eggshells all the time and repeated silent treatments if I dare step out of line.

11 months ago it all came to a head and I’d had enough. Apart from me texting her a few times (and getting nastiness back), we’ve not seen or spoke to each other for all this time. She has lied about me to family members and done/said some pretty nasty things as well as game playing and turning family members against each other.

It’s a mess. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore.

Anyhow - the latest is that she’s now trying to make out she’s seriously ill. She hasn’t told me directly, but she’s gone out of her way to tell someone I know, in the full knowledge they will tell me.

I don’t think I believe it and I think it’s just another tactic to try and get me to either reach out to her again (where she’ll no doubt give me some kind of abuse), or so she can tell everyone what a “bad daughter” I am if I don’t reach out to her.

It’s exhausting and after 11 months of it I am so, so mentally worn down by it all.

But what if she is ill?

How do people who are NC navigate this?

I just cant cope with the mind games.

Dont give the "illness" headspace. If she hasn't told you herself you don't know.
Dont second guess. Dont attempt to work out what's going on in her head.
She gets no energy from you. She fills no space in your head.

If she wants something from you she has to be a grown up and ask.
Otherwise no.
If she wanted you to like her she wouldnt be behaving like this.
If she loved you she wouldn't be behaving like this.

You really need to see the choices she is making in black and white. They have nothing to do with you, this behaviour is all about her. You are a background character in her life and trying to change this will not help. Because im betting you've already tried everything you can think of. And doing it again to see if you get a different result? ..that way lies madness.

There is nothing new you can do which will change who she is. Or how she feels about you. Balls in her court.

Basically you admit defeat.

Grey rock. Don't engage with these behaviours. If she is genuinely ill and on her last legs you will find out soon enough because she will be hospitalised. In the meantime treat yourself like you always wanted her to treat you. Be kind and loving to yourself. Be respectful. Be gentle and tender and remind yourself that you have value and not just as an accessory in somebody else's life. It gets better.

Ignore any and all flying monkeys sent in by her to do her bidding. They have their own agenda and are not interested in hearing your side of things.

You owe your mother nothing, let alone a relationship here. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

Thank you everyone.

The worst thing is the person she went to was one of the family members who was on my side…..and now they’re telling me I need to contact her. Apparently shes in a “right state” so I should back down and make contact. I have reached out to her numerous times over the last 11 months and I was either ignored or got abusive responses.

But now she has purposefully gone to one of my biggest supporters. I feel like it was all completely calculated.

I don’t know what to say but my DM had a very strained relationship with her DM in her 20s. Didn’t go LC or NC but the maternal part wasn’t really there as the DM wanted her own life now. And it was a different life to usual.

All I will say is she mellowed in later years and my DM still saw her. She also reflected on what she’d done in the past and I believe was sorry. Only said it once though when drunk one Christmas in a phone call to my mum.

Is it worth you having a honest conversation with her about this? She’s your mum she’s your daughter sort of thing?

I have asked her 3 times over the last 6-7 months if we can meet up and talk things through, the first time she ignored me, the second time I just got an abusive message back and the third time she gave me a crap excuse. I remained civil and told her to let me know when she was ready to talk. That was almost two months ago and there’s been no contact since, until I was told yesterday about her (supposedly) ill health.

She is avoiding me because she knows I’m going to challenge her behaviour and my mother does not allow anyone to challenge her. She thinks she has the right to treat people however she likes (and say whatever she likes) and expects us all to tolerate it. That’s how it has always been.

Well my mum is 68 and still playing the games.

I’m 40 years old, and after 35+ years of having to cope with her I don’t think I have it in me anymore.

That sucks. Sorry about that. At least you’ve tried.

My nana only mellowed from age 70 onwards. When she moved closer to my mum. But not for that reason it was just a coincidence. My nana was living with a woman then, who was from the area they were planning to move to. As she got older and more frail she still remained independent but my mum saw her more often (once a week). When the woman she lived with died they got closer. But she was of the old school (maybe like your mum OP) where apologies and talking about feelings were rarely done (sometimes though). I also put the effort into visiting her once a week so we grew closer. And I bought makeup she wanted so that helped too.

It feels calculated because it is. Detach from this.

I have asked her 3 times over the last 6-7 months if we can meet up and talk things through, the first time she ignored me, the second time I just got an abusive message back and the third time she gave me a crap excuse. I remained civil and told her to let me know when she was ready to talk. That was almost two months ago and there’s been no contact since

I think you should say this to the family member who has been the intermediary so she knows that it is not petulance on your part and you have tried over the years to keep the relationship going against the odds.

You are between a rock and a hard place - both ignoring or contacting will both give you anguish of some kind. Where is your father in all this? - you say he was involved when you were a child - is he someone who you could turn to now?

We are all profoundly influenced by the relationships in our upbringing, and this is more concentrated with single parenthood. It is a convoluted minefield, especially when we become parents ourselves and realise what a massive challenge it really is.

We are all also hugely influenced by out own image - by what we want others to think about us. If your major concern is the loss of the support and respect of the up-to-now supportive relative then you need top concentrate your efforts there.

In these sort of no contact scenarios there is definitely mileage in seeking some counselling if you are able to afford it. You deserve peace of mind, and that is what I wish for you.

If you don't want to see her, OP, then you don't see her. It's very simple. There are no laws that say we have to continue in a relationship with someone we dislike. It doesn't make any difference that we are genetically related.
If she's ill, she's ill. You don't need to know, because it's not your job to look after her.

It is my dad she went to.
I’m very close to my dad and I think she has always been quite resentful of this.

It feels calculated because it was calculated. She targeted this flying monkey to do her bidding for her. This person needs to be ignored by you and cannot be relied upon.

I have told my dad to not let himself be drawn into the games she plays.

She and my dad barely have any contact at all….. so it’s very odd that after receiving such horrific news from a hospital appointment (apparently), the first thing she does is ring him to tell him….

How did your dad respond to you?.

Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and always need a willing enabler to help them. She is trying to get him to enable her. She contacts your dad too because she knows he is one of your main means of support. She probably hates the closeness you both have and sees you as competition for his affections; ironic really given this is a man she always hated. The men in these women's lives are either as narcissistic as them or are otherwise discarded.

Re your mother it is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking. Never ask her again to talk things through; it will remain a wasted effort. She is really not worth bothering about.

Toxic parents often use illness and or previously unknown health problems/tests in an attempt to further control their target.

Also she sees her ex H your dad as someone who can be easily manipulated into doing her bidding/dirty work for her.

My dad thinks I should contact her….

According to him she sounded genuinely “in a state and really worried” 🙄

OP, let your Dad handle it. Tell him you have tried and tried and your efforts have always been cruelly. rebuffed. As has already been said she's picked your Dad as she knows he has been supportive towards you so she's manipulated him and gone for your weak spot. Stay strong and let her contact you herself if she's that poorly.

My dad is aware of all the attempts I’ve made to contact her, and all ways she has treated me over the last year so he’s well in the know. I think that’s why his response to her phone call took me by surprise.

The ironic thing is that I was in hospital last summer (in relation to a chronic condition I have that makes me really unwell), and she didn’t even send me a text.

Yet suddenly I’m now expected to forget all the shittiness she’s done to me and go racing after her.

Please do not do as your dad asks. Let him handle her. You are under no obligation here to do anything at all re your mother.

The Mystery Illness is part of the Official Narc Playbook. As are the Flying Monkeys sent into persuade you that you are being unreasonable.

It really is totally textbook. Have you looked at the Stately Homes threads?

I would block her on everything. If people persist in trying to act as her evil minions, they also get blocked.

She wants to reel you in so she can abuse you again. She misses it. Not the same as missing you. 💐

So what actually is this mystery illness? It seems very odd to me that she's got your dad to contact you about it, and to say she's in a right state, but she hasn't actually said what she's been diagnosed with.

OP, it is an absolute head melt. You're not alone with this, lots of us can relate. You feel that this mystery illness is calculated and manipulation and you're probably right

I cannot recommend professional support highly enough. I'm talking about psychotherapy. It's very easy for a stranger on the internet to tell you to just detach and don't give it headspace, but this is your relationship with your mother, not an annoying colleague or neighbour. She's probably trained you well all your life to put her first and consider her needs above all else. You're quite rightly challenging all that and standing up for yourself, but it's taking a lot out of you. Of course it is. I have a similar experience in my family, and I have found therapy absolutely invaluable. It has helped me to understand the impact of my parents behaviour on me, and helped me to feel stronger about the choices I make about how I conduct the relationship with them

Good luck - stand firm, it's not easy, but you know you deserve better than how she treats you