Feeling confused and weak about being NC with my mum.

[LondonLady1980]

I’m going to keep the background short:

My mum was a single parent (dad very much on the scene though) and I had a pretty crappy childhood… abandonment, physical and emotional abuse, all lasting up to my teenage years until I moved out. Throughout my adult years the emotional games have continued…. me feeling like I’m on eggshells all the time and repeated silent treatments if I dare step out of line.

11 months ago it all came to a head and I’d had enough. Apart from me texting her a few times (and getting nastiness back), we’ve not seen or spoke to each other for all this time. She has lied about me to family members and done/said some pretty nasty things as well as game playing and turning family members against each other.

It’s a mess. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore.

Anyhow - the latest is that she’s now trying to make out she’s seriously ill. She hasn’t told me directly, but she’s gone out of her way to tell someone I know, in the full knowledge they will tell me.

I don’t think I believe it and I think it’s just another tactic to try and get me to either reach out to her again (where she’ll no doubt give me some kind of abuse), or so she can tell everyone what a “bad daughter” I am if I don’t reach out to her.

It’s exhausting and after 11 months of it I am so, so mentally worn down by it all.

But what if she is ill?

How do people who are NC navigate this?

I just cant cope with the mind games.

I had counselling last year when we first went NC and it helped massively!!! It helped me see so much clearer how messed up our mother-daughter dynamic was, and how it had been completed dysfunctional for my whole life.

I stopped the counselling last Autumn as I was in such a better place….. but then before Christmas my mum started planning mind games and again and it’s starting to get to me. Shes back in my head.

I was NC with father from late teens until he died, and I'm LC with mother. Not a definite NC, but there's very little contact. Father was abusive and awful and going NC with him was the easiest decision I ever made. It's been more complicated with my mother. It only really became apparent that she's not very nice to me after father was out of the picture because compared to him she was the safe parent. But honestly, she uses me, and she's just not very nice to me. I'm the person she turns to when she wants to argue or be spiteful. When we do have contact, she can be nice for a while, but in the end always reverts to form. I don't trust her at all and my gut feeling is that she doesn't even like me that much. It happens. The world is full of awful people, sometimes they have children.

@LondonLady1980 you said 'what if she is ill?'

Well, she might be. It happens. It does not mean that it is your job to rush in and fix it. She might need help. You aren't the only person who can provide it. It's OK to step back and let someone else take it on. It's OK for other people to think you're a bad person for stepping back. It's OK for her to tell other people you're awful. Let her. It's fine. I know it's difficult, but having dealt with this for a very long time, I've learned that the most important thing for me is being able to let go of needing to control the situation and to sit with the discomfort of occasionally, in the eyes of other people, being a bad person. I had to learn to say no, mum, I won't do that. I can't do that. I'm not your support human.

There's a book called codependent no more by Melody Beattie that I found really helpful which might be worth reading.

Even the tale she gave my dad about being sick doesn’t make any logical sense and I can’t help but feel like it’s all another ploy to draw me in.

It’s exhausting.

I don’t know anymore whats a truth and what’s a lie.

And people on her “side” won’t hear anything negative said about her and I’m just the bad guy.

Why does it matter what those people think of you?

Because they are close family members who have been a huge part of my life. They aren’t people who I can just cut off or not see anymore, they’re a big part of my life and my children’s lives.

But they won’t hear a bad word said about my mum.

They don’t often say anything directly to me about my mum as they know we are now NC, but based on comments they make every now amend then, I know that they see her as being the innocent party and me being in the wrong for not wanting a relationship with her anymore.

And when I know that’s what other people think it makes me start questioning myself.

You can cut them off. You may not want to, and you can choose not to, but it is a choice you can make. It's worth keeping that in the back of your mind. You aren't stuck in these relationships. You aren't powerless here. You cannot change others but you can change yourself and what you do.

The other thing I think it is important to remember is that these people are most likely seeing a very different version of your mother to the one that you get. It's really common for abusers to pick one person to use as their emotional punch bag. It's quite a clever thing to do, if you think about it - they can tell themselves and others that they're not abusers, they're good people, they have all these positive relationships as evidence. So it's not them, it's the victims fault. It's easy to recruit others to their cause. Lots of people won't start the bullying but will happily join in if someone else does. It also puts the victim where you are now - unable to trust their own judgement. I think you have to accept that she can be both things - decent to them and awful to you. Both versions of events are true. I had to face this with my own parents so I get how hard it is. Awful to me, decent to others. I don't know why I can't have the decent version. Maybe they're only decent to others because they had me as a safe person to be awful to so they got to scratch that itch privately, so to speak.

If they acknowledge that this side of your mother exists along with the 'good' side that they see, they may have to face some difficult feelings, and they may not be able to.

If you feel that you can't talk honestly about your mother with them, then don't have that conversation and set a firm boundary there. Shut it down if they start. It's really none of their business anyway. You can't stop them talking behind your back but you don't have to facilitate it to your face.

They see one side of her.

But you see the other.

She has a vested interest in making sure they don't see the mean side.

Does your dad know what she's like?

Not really - they've been divorced for over 35 years so its not like they have a lot to do with each other.

It's only been a year since I started to see the 'real her' with the help of my counsellor and other family members that have sadly been her victims.

Growing up I just thought her behaviour and 'quirks' were normal, I simply brushed them off as being part of her personality but a lot has happened over the last year to make me realise (and come to terms with) the type of person she really is.

Think.
What is the benefit to her in this?
She could easily have told you directly she's ill. She could have also posted a letter or phoned or any of the other direct methods of communication.
She didn't.
She told someone else..someone she has a poor relationship with and you have a good one with. Someone you will hear out.
Come on 🤔. Whats the benefit to her here ???

If this was a story about someone else you could easily guess the plot of the next chapter if she tells your dad she's ill. Look at the drama. The discussion . The focus of conversations. The self doubt. She's imagined all that playing out.
Now think how this is opposed to the potential half paragraph (or potentially nothing) it would get if she told you direct.

Look at the benefits when you want to see the motivation.

I’ve been NC with my mother for coming up to 10 years now and she tries similar tricks occasionally, first it was a car accident, then it was a liver transplant and most recently a heart attack (all lies as it turned out). Not engaging is the best way forward, if people ever bring it up I just tell them I’m not interested and don’t wish to know anything about her life etc… if people try to tell me I should give her a chance I tell them I didn’t ask for their opinion… people generally get the hint after a while! For me it didn’t matter if she was telling the truth or lying as even if she was seriously ill it didn’t change the fact I didn’t want a relationship with her or to ever see/hear from her again. I appreciate you may feel differently though given you’ve tried to reach out over the previous year. it’s a really tricky situation to navigate and you have my sympathy. I found the first few years of NC were the trickiest

Thank you for that explanation.

The only benefit to her telling my dad instead of coming straight to me, was that she nearly got him on her side and she temporarily had his concern and sympathy.

She wanted his attention, she wanted to make herself look like a victim with me being me the bad guy, and she wanted him to tell me that she was ill so that I would be wracked with guilt about cutting off my “seriously ill” mother.

Her end goal hasn’t been achieved though as I haven’t made any contact with her which was ultimately what I think she expected I would do.

My family told me sweet old parent had forgotten about the abuse (that was actually still happening?) I wondered if they were angling at them having dementia. Thing is, an abusive person with dementia ain’t gonna become safe. The people that wish they could force a relationship between you just to make things look okay are part of the problem too and not safe to talk to about feelings.

She sounds like a narcissistic bully, the only reason that people like this 'mellow ' with age is usually because they come to a realisation that they are getting older and will need help, its not out of love for the other person, its usually another way to control them and the situation. Unfortunately using ill health usually has the effect they want to get people running back to them. My advice would be to protect your peace at all costs and stay away.

I went no contact with my parents decades ago - my life improved immensely.
It wasn’t a row, it wasn’t a huff, it wasn’t to teach anybody a lesson. It was a complete breakdown of any tenuous relationship that may have been left -
it was an irrevocable breakdown.
That meant I no longer had parents.
They inevitably got old, and my mother got sick, and died. I didn’t see her when asked because she had nothing to say that I wanted to hear, or that couldn’t have been said many years before.
I had nothing to say to her because experience had taught me that she not only wouldn’t listen - but she was actually incapable of hearing me.
I made my peace with my decision at the point of no contact but it cost me relationships with family members I loved. The peace of mind and happiness I was allowed to benefit from was worth the price.
My advice would be to stop banging your head against a brick wall, but ultimately only you can decide what you need to do for your own sake.

If its true will it make much of a difference to your relationship? I mean this in the nicest possible way. But if she was abusive to you as a child and continued into adulthood then you really dont owe her anything.
The lies she may tell people will probably happen if you go see her or if you dont. She sounds like she enjoys the sympathy and attention. And also maybe to some degree is trying to change her memories of the past . Maybe deep down she has some guilt.
You could send her a bunch of flowers with a note saying hope you get better soon. Or similar. That way she knows your dad spoke to you and you have been polite and thoughtful. Without having to see her and cause yourself more drama.

This is incredibly heavy for you. After 11 months of finally finding some space to breathe, being pulled back into the "game" by news of a potential illness feels like a trap. Your scepticism is completely valid given your history; when someone has spent a lifetime using emotions as a weapon, it’s hard to tell a genuine crisis from a tactical manoeuvre. I feel for you :(

There is a possibility, even if it feels small right now, that facing her own potential mortality (sorry we dont know what the illness is) has caused a shift in her perspective. Sometimes, a serious health scare can act as a wake-up call, making a person realise that the bridges they’ve burned are more important than the games they’ve been playing. Is there a chance that this has made her "see sense"?

The hardest question to ask yourself, but perhaps the most necessary one for your own long-term peace, is this: If she were to pass away, how would you feel?

• The "What If": Would you be haunted by things left unsaid, or would you feel a sense of relief that the cycle has finally stopped?
• Your Own Conscience: Often, people reach out not because the other person "deserves" it, but so they can look at themselves in the mirror later and know they did the "right" thing by their own standards, regardless of her reaction.

You don’t necessarily have to jump from No Contact back into the line of fire. You could try Low Contact instead. This allows you to check the facts of the situation while keeping your protective walls high.
If you decide to do this, set firm, non-negotiable lines:

• Controlled contact: Keep it to text or email only. This gives you a paper trail and the time to process her words before you respond, preventing the "eggshells" feeling of a live conversation.
• The "One Strike" Rule: If she uses the illness as a platform to abuse you, lie, or start the silent treatment, you can end the interaction immediately.
• Focus on Facts: Instead of asking "How are you?", ask "What is the diagnosis?" Facts are harder to manipulate than feelings.

You mentioned she might use this to make you look like the "bad daughter." The truth is, people who believe her lies without hearing your side may never be convinced otherwise. You cannot control her narrative, but you can control your responses.

Illness does not provide a "get out of jail free" card for a lifetime of abuse. You are allowed to protect yourself from someone who has spent years hurting you, even if that person is unwell.

I actually had something similar with my own mum. While it wasn't as extreme as your experience, I went no contact for too long and ended up regretting it. We only got back in touch once I heard she had a terminal illness, and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t even believe it at first because of our history.

Looking back, I’ve realised that while we didn’t have an amazing relationship, it was incredibly hard for her raising us with my dad, who was an absolute arsehole. She wasn't able to leave, and it was a different time back then, with different parenting rules and guidelines. I know now that deep down she did love me, just not in the way I wanted (though at the time, that was good enough for me!). Social media like TikTok often reframes these parents as purely "abusive" or "toxic," but in my case, I think she was just doing the best she could given her circumstances. Low contact worked for me, and I’m grateful I was there when she passed.

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and your mental health - either way its tricky, but I believe you can navigate it in the best way for you.

It is so incredibly difficult to untangle what is "normal personality" from what is "toxic behaviour," especially when you’re being pulled in different directions by your past, your family, and professional advice.
However, I would urge you to be a bit wary of counsellors who lean heavily into encouraging No Contact without fully exploring the entire family history. There is a narrative being pushed in some modern therapy circles that can be quite damaging to relationships; it often reframes "quirks" or generational struggles as clinical manipulation.
I had a very similar experience. I was fine with my mum’s behaviour until I went to counselling, and suddenly, the "experts" changed the narrative for me without ever digging deep into my mum’s own psyche or the context of her life. It’s only now coming to light for me how much that influenced my perspective, and I wish to god I hadn’t listened so blindly. My mum wasn’t perfect, but then again, neither am I. I judged her parenting style by today's standards when she didn't know what they were - and I preface this by saying there is definite abuse out there, but discomfort, disagreement is not abuse or toxic. Im just saying be careful.

You deserve your peace.
just because there is a mother /daughter thing - that doesn’t happen for all of us.
know your tribe and cherish them. That doesn’t mean your mother is included. Some won’t understand this.
I do.
some mothers were not cut out to be and will continue to cause drama in their children’s lives, especially their own daughters.
you owe nothing.
you only have to consider the consequences in their death. For me, I know I won’t be standing. I may show up, but I certainly won’t be speaking or celebrating her life.
my sister and I believe the same for our own children, just because we gave birth it’s no given right to always have a relationship. You must give the healthy relationship.
look after you

I wholly sympathise with you op. Have had to put up with a selfish, narcissistic, emotionally abusive person as a mother my whole 51 years and as bad as it sounds the only way I'll be free is when she goes and even at getting on for 84 I don't see it happening anytime soon. Have you considered if your parent is seriously ill these people are contacting you as they don't want the hassle of dealing with her and her "illness"? Don't want to put thoughts into your head but that's what I'm getting now of my own mother's neighbours. They've had enough of her and are basically saying she's your mother, you sort her out. (Thank god none of her friends know me or it would be even worse).

You don't have to contact her if you don't want to. If other people are pestering you about it just tell them you have contacted her and she doesn't respond and that you would rather they left it up to you to deal with.

Stay the course. If she really is ill she can do an "i told you so" in the next life

But this will give her exactly what she wants.

Our whole history has been her expecting certain behaviours from me and if I step out of line she turns nasty and gives me the silent treatment until I go running after her with apologies. I’ve been conditioned to respond that way my whole life 😢

I’d already been NC with my mum for 4 months before I started seeing the Counsellor and ti be fair to her, she never actively encouraged it, she just explored my feelings and helped me to understand how dysfunctional my relationship with my mother had always been. There is nothing normal about the way me and my sister were treated by our mother during our early years, our childhood, our teenage years or during our adult years either. Although some of my relatives won’t hear a bad word said about my mum they know how bad her treatment was of us. She is very manipulative and calculated in most of what she does.

I often think about this.

I have spoken at many funerals in the past (of family members) but I genuinely can’t imagine speaking at my mother’s funeral. I couldn’t get up there and talk about her and say what a great mum she was or what a great childhood we had etc - because it wouldn’t be true. The words just wouldn’t be able to leave my mouth. Her own sister has said that she won’t even go to my mum’s funeral whenever the time comes.

Protect your own mental health