Feeling confused and weak about being NC with my mum.

[LondonLady1980]

I’m going to keep the background short:

My mum was a single parent (dad very much on the scene though) and I had a pretty crappy childhood… abandonment, physical and emotional abuse, all lasting up to my teenage years until I moved out. Throughout my adult years the emotional games have continued…. me feeling like I’m on eggshells all the time and repeated silent treatments if I dare step out of line.

11 months ago it all came to a head and I’d had enough. Apart from me texting her a few times (and getting nastiness back), we’ve not seen or spoke to each other for all this time. She has lied about me to family members and done/said some pretty nasty things as well as game playing and turning family members against each other.

It’s a mess. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t anymore.

Anyhow - the latest is that she’s now trying to make out she’s seriously ill. She hasn’t told me directly, but she’s gone out of her way to tell someone I know, in the full knowledge they will tell me.

I don’t think I believe it and I think it’s just another tactic to try and get me to either reach out to her again (where she’ll no doubt give me some kind of abuse), or so she can tell everyone what a “bad daughter” I am if I don’t reach out to her.

It’s exhausting and after 11 months of it I am so, so mentally worn down by it all.

But what if she is ill?

How do people who are NC navigate this?

I just cant cope with the mind games.

Only a truly unsafe and unloving person would assume any illness they have means anything wrong they have ever done disappears. Also unsafe people assume that time being unable to abuse you is the equivalent of them being kind. So my parent would assume that because I’d kept away for 6 months that meant 6 months of goodness from them. I know I know it’s utter madness which is why anything other than hurtling in the opposite direction is not safe. They just can’t do logic.

I'm exactly where you are and i've had to sacrifice a relationship with my younger brothers because she has them wrapped around her finger ( i'm 17 years older than the oldest, 20yrs older than the youngest )
They're from her 2nd marriage and a completely different type of mother to them than to me.
When she's gone i will tell them everything. I've kept a dignified silence to protect my siblings and i'm grateful they had a better upbringing than myself. My life is better with her out of it.
I do miss my brothers but it's easier this way for everyone.
So you keep living your life without guilt.
You know how it was and that's all that matters. When she's gone maybe then you can enlighten others. I wish you well.

Your dad was really out of order telling you this. It would actually make me re-think my relationship with him. He is being incredibly unfair and he sounds as manipulative as your mum.

I'd be keeping my distance from both of them from now on. Even if she is seriously ill, that in no way wipes the slate clean. She is still the same abusive and horrible mother that she has always been.

The thing is it doesn't matter if she ill or not. You're NC for a reason. Yes it hurts when sides are made and everyone is against you d ultimately it means you have to have little to do with them either. But it's better for your peace in the long run.

Tell your family you don't want to know what's going on with your mother, your not interested in their opinions and you just don't want to hear it. If they persist then leave/end call or change the subject.

Take yourself out of the role your mother cast you in. It doesn't fit you.

I have a similar situation, and she was ill. But not dying level, but it could have gone that way. I stayed no contact. I think people have this fantasy that they could make things right before death and get the parental love they always wanted, but I also saw it as 'she could still be mean, die, and the last words I'll have heard are my mum being awful to me'. And frankly being verbally abused and feeling like a fool for expecting any different would be worse. If you think this might happen to you too, then I would consider if you would be able to cope with that. But I was ready to, I had given her plenty of chances before already and the way she's been to my brother since, plus the second/third chances being ignored has proved I was right.

Thank you everyone for all your support.

I haven’t been in contact with my mum but I have sought out advice and support from family members and I am seeing a counsellor next week.

For now, I am not going to make contact with my mum as emotionally i just cant go back there again.

I think it's only wise to have contact at that stage of you've accepted your parent for who they really are, warts and all, and not who you want them to be. So you've accepted that their last words to you will be vile and you're prepared for that. I found after my father died (NC for decades) that in the will made 2 weeks before he died (so I assume he knew he was dying) he added a paragraph that was basically a nasty eff you addressed personally to me. Hadn't changed. No deathbed remorse, just the same old abusive shit he always did. It was quite something to think that 20+ years after he last clapped eyes on me, the hate was still there.

It sounds like the right decision for you. Hold to it.

[Flowers].

If being seriously ill isn't enough for her to want to make the effort to make amends, fuck her, to be honest 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Always nice to see your posts @AttilaTheMeerkat and always full of wisdom x

Why is it down to you to contact her? Why can’t she reach out to you?

Because she can’t cope with that - in her eyes that a sign of vulnerability/weakness or backing down, and in her mind shes always right and so it’s everyone else’s job to go chasing after her.