Husband of 5 years has left

[ChickenOrEgg24]

We have been together 8 years, married for 5. I have two children DS17 and DD14, he has a DS19. Our relationship has been up and down since he moved in if I’m honest. His DS chose early on not to stay at ours as he did not like my DS. My DH had tried to put very strict rules in place with my children, that I didn’t agree with, no talking at the table, elbows off the table, holding knife and fork even if not needing to use a knife. Very much a believer that children should be seen and not heard. Disproportionate punishments such as losing their computers or phones for a month for saying something out of turn. I always contested this and made sure discipline was proportionate. He had been the same with me, just nitpicking really.. if I wasn’t ready on time, boiled too much water in the kettle, but if I annoyed him or the kids had been rude to him, then he would stonewall us all for days, and sometimes weeks. I was always walking on eggshells. We had relationship counselling and things improved between us for a while (although again this was on and off). It all came to a head this week after an explosive argument with my now 17 year old DS, who did say some very inappropriate things to DH. DH retaliated and called my DS a c*t and told him to pack his bags. I was appalled. My DS also said he has no regrets as has wanted to say something for years. Anyway, after a long talk he has basically said that my children are feral (they really aren’t, they are kind, loving children with great senses of humour!) and that he has never liked my DS and in fact has resented him throughout our relationship. I told the kids yesterday and they were so happy that he has gone and said they have never liked him but never said anything as they wanted me to be happy. I feel awful that I just didn’t see the impact of all of this. I’m also feeling sad and confused, worried about the future and what this will look like! My DC have been amazing, especially my DS (the one who is a horrible person apparently). This separation is supposed to be temporary whilst I put some ‘boundaries’ in place but honestly, I think permanent is the better option. Probably should add that there have been some great times as well but in balance, the bad outweighs the good.
Please be gentle, I am still feeling very raw.

Your husband probably expects you to beg him to come home.

He sounds like a controlling AH.

Putting in boundaries? Yes! The one where he never comes back!

Your kids must feel relieved.

This

You allowed a man to come into your children’s lives and home and tell them how to eat? That they couldn’t speak at the table? Discipline them? Perpetuate a view that children should be seen and not heard?

You allowed all this?

My goodness have you let your children down. You need to keep this man away and get some therapy around why you were so willing to subject your children to this for years for the sake of your love life. It’s just shocking.

Better late than never, but the time to 'give your head a wobble' is the first time. The. First.Time. When it comes to your kids, you dont let it slide and your certainly don't let it happen twice, you simply don't get to a place where you can't see clearly because 'you're living it'.

Your kids are now almost adults - massively late it the day for head wobbling.

Does he gave an 18 ct gold dick or something?

Enjoy the rest of your life without this hideous man in it.
You owe him nothing.
Boil the Hell out of your filled to the brim kettle and whisper a little fuck you under your breath each time you do.

He called your son a cunt? He'd be dead to me.

Be thankful he's gone. Don't let him back in
Your children don't need to be parented by this man. Your step sons response should have told you all you needed to know. Don't forget he's been 'parented' by this man too.
Don't let him back in
Don't let him guilt you into letting him back in.

Regardless of what your son said to him, don't let him back in.
Your children's relationship with you depends on you staying strong. If you value having a man over your children, then you will lose them. Don't let him back in. This is not a 'trial seperation. File for divorce and move forward.

Good God! You've really dodged a bullet there OP.

There genuinely is a reason why some people are single.

Mr Controlling Disciplinarian has left the building. Hallelujah!

THIS. He sounds absolutely appalling and I have no idea why you subjected your children to HAVING to live with this man.

You made a mistake to let him ''move in''
You made a mistake to marry him - which gives him claim to you assets - including your house?
You need to see a solicitor because you need a legal break - divorce - you may not be able to stop him returning to the house (your house) - until divorce - but make sure he knows he is very unwelcome.
If he does return because of his legal rights - you need to lead totally separate lives - as much as possible being under one roof - and he does not communicate with your DC at all.

Put your kids first and do not take him back. File for divorce. You have exposed your kids to this abusive man for long enough.

You're supposed to be using this "temporary" separation to put some 'boundaries' in place. Is HE doing any work on NOT riding roughshod over everyone ELSE'S boundaries, or is it all a "you" problem according to him?

It sounds like he's completely unable or unwilling to compromise and either doesn't understand that other people have different views, priorities, needs, and preferences than him or doesn't care. (Just for example, something like "please try to keep your elbows off the table at dinner" might have been cheerfully accommodated by a couple of pre-teens, but combined with "no talking at the table until you're 18" it becomes impossible and ridiculous.)

The marriage, or even living together, can't work because he's too immature and too selfish at the moment to live with others or to be in an equal relationship. He needs to work on himself, by himself. I hope for his son's sake that he does see that there's an issue and get some help, but you and your children are well out of it. Take care of extricating yourself and protecting your and your children's interests - you KNOW from years of hands-on experience that your husband is absolutely going to take care of his.

Well bloody done. Divorce him and live happy in the knowledge that you have put your kids first, that they have seen you put yourself and them first, that they have seen what behaviour they should NOT accept in a relationship and seen you be brave and make a change even though its hard - what an amazing example you are. Keep him WELL AWAY.