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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 5 years has left

89 replies

ChickenOrEgg24 · 14/02/2026 07:51

We have been together 8 years, married for 5. I have two children DS17 and DD14, he has a DS19. Our relationship has been up and down since he moved in if I’m honest. His DS chose early on not to stay at ours as he did not like my DS. My DH had tried to put very strict rules in place with my children, that I didn’t agree with, no talking at the table, elbows off the table, holding knife and fork even if not needing to use a knife. Very much a believer that children should be seen and not heard. Disproportionate punishments such as losing their computers or phones for a month for saying something out of turn. I always contested this and made sure discipline was proportionate. He had been the same with me, just nitpicking really.. if I wasn’t ready on time, boiled too much water in the kettle, but if I annoyed him or the kids had been rude to him, then he would stonewall us all for days, and sometimes weeks. I was always walking on eggshells. We had relationship counselling and things improved between us for a while (although again this was on and off). It all came to a head this week after an explosive argument with my now 17 year old DS, who did say some very inappropriate things to DH. DH retaliated and called my DS a c*t and told him to pack his bags. I was appalled. My DS also said he has no regrets as has wanted to say something for years. Anyway, after a long talk he has basically said that my children are feral (they really aren’t, they are kind, loving children with great senses of humour!) and that he has never liked my DS and in fact has resented him throughout our relationship. I told the kids yesterday and they were so happy that he has gone and said they have never liked him but never said anything as they wanted me to be happy. I feel awful that I just didn’t see the impact of all of this. I’m also feeling sad and confused, worried about the future and what this will look like! My DC have been amazing, especially my DS (the one who is a horrible person apparently). This separation is supposed to be temporary whilst I put some ‘boundaries’ in place but honestly, I think permanent is the better option. Probably should add that there have been some great times as well but in balance, the bad outweighs the good.
Please be gentle, I am still feeling very raw.

OP posts:
Snoken · 14/02/2026 08:44

There needs to be no doubt in your mind that this has to be permanent. You have let an abusive man live with your children for the last 8 years. The damage has been done there but surely they deserve a permanent break from it now. They never asked for this man to be a part of their lives, you have had ample opportunities to get rid of him but have chosen not to every time in the past. Please look out for your kids now and forget about the prick. Nobody needs that in their lives.

WhistPie · 14/02/2026 08:45

Have you put your house at risk by marrying him?

Seedlingsparrow · 14/02/2026 08:49

I wondered that @WhistPie? Will you need to sell your house or buy him out?

Mum2Fergus · 14/02/2026 08:51

Jeezy peeps…you’re well rid of that excuse of a husband. Get formal separation documented as at the day he left. Depending on where you live, 5yrs can be classed as a ‘short marriage’ so you might be a bit better off with the asset split…but please do take advice on that.

Sowhat1976 · 14/02/2026 08:54

Your husband's own kid doesn't like him. He's a controlling bully. He doesnt like your kids, he resents them, he bully's them, and he's highly punitive. The good times are irrelevant. Your kids don't deserve to be subjected to this sorry excuse of a human being. Make the split permanent. If you don't I can't imagine your kids wanting to be in your life as adults.

catipuss · 14/02/2026 08:54

How dare he tell your son to pack his bags.

TheMatildaEffect · 14/02/2026 08:54

Your poor kids, having to live with that.

PersephonePomegranate · 14/02/2026 08:54

Sounds like a blessing.

Why did you allow this man to come into your children's home, start dictating to them and make your lives a misery?

I expect they felt 'raw' too and would've liked someone to go easy on them.

parkezvous · 14/02/2026 08:56

Don’t let him back op. Your kids are happy

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/02/2026 08:57

‘I told the kids yesterday and they were so happy that he had gone’.

Why are you even considering letting this arsehole back into your house and your lives just so that he can keep abusing your children?

How can you be giving even a fleeting thought about this?

If DH called my son a cunt he would be out of the door and divorce papers served. Likewise if I did the same to his DS.

How telling that your DS has been simmering for years and finally told DH what he thought of him and is not sorry about it. Good for him.

You have marred your children’s teenage years and have some serious amends to be making.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you have enabled this man to abuse your children, they now feel safe to tell you how they feel about him, and you are not sure whether this split should be permanent?

You risk ruining your relationship with your children forever if you allow this twat back into your lives. Alternatively you could show them that they are in fact your priority and divorce him 🤷‍♀️

Blahdeblahdeblahdeblah · 14/02/2026 08:58

My dh us exactly the same with the kettle water and being ready when he wants to go out, even without needing to out at a certain time. Loads of other controlling behaviours. Over 20 years. I want out but due to current circumstances its not possible.
Don't reunite with him. Don't be me. Yes, I'm sure when I eventually make the break it will be raw for me too.
You know it's for the best. These feelings are temporary and he sounds like a real shit. You've done really well. You've been brave and put your dcs first. Your dcs sound fantastic. They put your happiness first, (without letting you know they didn't like him) as that's prob what you've done for them. They sound amazing.
The future is looking bright. You and your dcs can breath again. Freedom for you all. Don't wait, is my advice. Cut the ties permanently and then you can start to heal. No good being in limbo. Move on from this time in your life. You're stronger than you think.

OhCobblers · 14/02/2026 09:03

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 14/02/2026 08:57

‘I told the kids yesterday and they were so happy that he had gone’.

Why are you even considering letting this arsehole back into your house and your lives just so that he can keep abusing your children?

How can you be giving even a fleeting thought about this?

If DH called my son a cunt he would be out of the door and divorce papers served. Likewise if I did the same to his DS.

How telling that your DS has been simmering for years and finally told DH what he thought of him and is not sorry about it. Good for him.

You have marred your children’s teenage years and have some serious amends to be making.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you have enabled this man to abuse your children, they now feel safe to tell you how they feel about him, and you are not sure whether this split should be permanent?

You risk ruining your relationship with your children forever if you allow this twat back into your lives. Alternatively you could show them that they are in fact your priority and divorce him 🤷‍♀️

All of this.
the first sign of his “rules” should have been a big red flag a long time ago and you should have dealt with it then. I know that’s easy to say but really the warning signs were there.
Head straight to divorce and make your DC your priority.

Paramaribo2025 · 14/02/2026 09:05

You need to open your eyes.

Shame on you for imposing this man twat on your kids.

MammaTo · 14/02/2026 09:34

What was the alternative to him leaving? Was he going to stay and treat your kids like crap, he’s done you a massive favour.

ERthree · 14/02/2026 09:38

Why the hell are you even considering taking this twunt back ? Bloody hell he is a bastard of a man. Your children have suffered enough.

Tablesandchairs23 · 14/02/2026 09:43

Congratulations you've gotten rid of the biggest weight around your neck.

TwistedWonder · 14/02/2026 09:43

Agree with everyone else that you need to keep the door slammed shut now and try to repair the damage he’s done to your DC childhood.

Never ever prioritise dick over kids - they come first every single time. Bad sadly this is another in a long line of MN threads where an unrelated man has been facilitated to abuse his step kids and the mum twists herself into a pretzel to keep him
sweet oblivious to the harm on her kids.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 14/02/2026 10:18

I couldn’t read the whole post — just get that horrible man out of your life right now!

Original poster
ChickenOrEgg24 · 14/02/2026 10:21

Thank you for all of your comments. Even the harsh ones. Yes I have given my head a massive wobble. It’s hard to see things objectively when you’re living it. You can’t see the wood for the trees. I have low self confidence anyway and it’s been drilled into me for a long time that it is all my fault for not being an authoritarian parent. I’ve always believed in being a gentle parent, nurturing them, praising them, talking through when things have gone wrong in their behaviour and how we can put it right next time. I still believe this is the right way to parent.
My children are wonderful, and deserve the world. And I’m going to give it to them and more. X

OP posts:
justtheotheronemrswembley · 14/02/2026 10:22

This separation is supposed to be temporary

Make it permanent. He's a bully. Flowers

dairydebris · 14/02/2026 10:38

ChickenOrEgg24 · 14/02/2026 10:21

Thank you for all of your comments. Even the harsh ones. Yes I have given my head a massive wobble. It’s hard to see things objectively when you’re living it. You can’t see the wood for the trees. I have low self confidence anyway and it’s been drilled into me for a long time that it is all my fault for not being an authoritarian parent. I’ve always believed in being a gentle parent, nurturing them, praising them, talking through when things have gone wrong in their behaviour and how we can put it right next time. I still believe this is the right way to parent.
My children are wonderful, and deserve the world. And I’m going to give it to them and more. X

By the way your children tolerated such a lot and stuck up for you in the end... I think you've done a great job in bringing them up. They sound lovely.
I do think they deserve an honest chat about how the last few years have felt for them. Let them share how they have felt. And promise them he's never coming back and stick with it.

Shellythesnail2333 · 14/02/2026 10:42

Please do not let him back and stay single!! Kids first every time

ElevensesKing · 14/02/2026 10:43

Congratulations on the first day of your freedom, you and your children deserve the best from now on.

AbbotSade1985 · 14/02/2026 10:44

xOlive · 14/02/2026 08:00

I’d tell him to come and get his stuff and leave just one bin bag of knives out the front for him.

You’ll be in shock and sad now as it’s just happened but you’ll all be so much happier.
Don’t let him back. Don’t get into arguments about it, let him go, he sounds like a horrible person and your children’s relief says it all.

First sentence had me in stitches.

Seriously though, I hope you're okay, OP. As everyone has said, you and your kids deserve better. Take each day as it comes. Take a few days out, then next week, start to detail down on paper finances etc.

Good luck!

CelticSilver · 14/02/2026 10:46

Your children will remember that you didn't throw him out years ago, but that he chose to go. There's a lot to repair here, OP.

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