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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 5 years has left

89 replies

ChickenOrEgg24 · 14/02/2026 07:51

We have been together 8 years, married for 5. I have two children DS17 and DD14, he has a DS19. Our relationship has been up and down since he moved in if I’m honest. His DS chose early on not to stay at ours as he did not like my DS. My DH had tried to put very strict rules in place with my children, that I didn’t agree with, no talking at the table, elbows off the table, holding knife and fork even if not needing to use a knife. Very much a believer that children should be seen and not heard. Disproportionate punishments such as losing their computers or phones for a month for saying something out of turn. I always contested this and made sure discipline was proportionate. He had been the same with me, just nitpicking really.. if I wasn’t ready on time, boiled too much water in the kettle, but if I annoyed him or the kids had been rude to him, then he would stonewall us all for days, and sometimes weeks. I was always walking on eggshells. We had relationship counselling and things improved between us for a while (although again this was on and off). It all came to a head this week after an explosive argument with my now 17 year old DS, who did say some very inappropriate things to DH. DH retaliated and called my DS a c*t and told him to pack his bags. I was appalled. My DS also said he has no regrets as has wanted to say something for years. Anyway, after a long talk he has basically said that my children are feral (they really aren’t, they are kind, loving children with great senses of humour!) and that he has never liked my DS and in fact has resented him throughout our relationship. I told the kids yesterday and they were so happy that he has gone and said they have never liked him but never said anything as they wanted me to be happy. I feel awful that I just didn’t see the impact of all of this. I’m also feeling sad and confused, worried about the future and what this will look like! My DC have been amazing, especially my DS (the one who is a horrible person apparently). This separation is supposed to be temporary whilst I put some ‘boundaries’ in place but honestly, I think permanent is the better option. Probably should add that there have been some great times as well but in balance, the bad outweighs the good.
Please be gentle, I am still feeling very raw.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 14/02/2026 10:48

Well done OP. He’s not in a position to be calling anybody a cunt when he’s behaving like that. Don’t take him back. Get rid permanently and put your kids first. They have suffered enough at the hands of this creature. Please also do The Freedom Programme when you’re ready, it will help you make better choices in future although I have to say, my man free life is wonderful!

Pearlstillsinging · 14/02/2026 10:53

Well now you can admit to yourself why his son didn't want to visit.
Thank goodness you can all heave a sigh of relief. I would ask the kids to help you pack his stuff up so that they get a real sense of closure. Then you can store his bags somewhere outside the house, so that he doesn't have to enter your home ever again.

therockingbird · 14/02/2026 10:55

Sounds like he’s done you all a favour..

LoveItaly · 14/02/2026 10:57

CelticSilver · 14/02/2026 10:46

Your children will remember that you didn't throw him out years ago, but that he chose to go. There's a lot to repair here, OP.

Absolutely. You have let him treat your children terribly, especially your son by the sounds of it. Please don’t consider taking him back under any circumstances, your children may never forgive you.

lessglittermoremud · 14/02/2026 10:58

Time to hang out the bunting and breathe a sigh of relief that such an unpleasant man is no longer part of your family.
Do the things that make you happy and work on your self esteem, it’s hard to like yourself when you have someone constantly moaning and chipping away at you.
It’s ok to have different views on parenting but he sounds controlling and abusive and whilst your DS may have been blunt in his delivery if your DH hadn’t been such a twat for years things wouldn’t have escalated to this point.
Anyone who told my child to pack his bags and leave would be the one to go, enjoy the first day of the rest of your life with your ‘feral’ children 😂 I know I’d much rather have fun loving kids who were honest then robots who kept their elbows off the table…

Pickledonion1999 · 14/02/2026 11:00

You are lucky he has gone and so are your kids. I feel bad for them that they've had to put up with him in their lives for so long- no talking at the table wtf. You said things weren't great form the minute he moved in. Why have you let it go on so long ?

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/02/2026 11:02

@ChickenOrEgg24 he Will be back and you will let him . This is a punishment to you .

OR you can stand your ground out firm boundaries in place and say NO it’s over !
Then he will kick off a you have to be ready not to be work down again.
Priorities your children then yourself.
Keep the emotional abuser out your home and life for good.

TwistedWonder · 14/02/2026 11:06

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/02/2026 11:02

@ChickenOrEgg24 he Will be back and you will let him . This is a punishment to you .

OR you can stand your ground out firm boundaries in place and say NO it’s over !
Then he will kick off a you have to be ready not to be work down again.
Priorities your children then yourself.
Keep the emotional abuser out your home and life for good.

100% this is a punishment to make you see the error of your ways and beg him to come back. Please be aware of what he’s doing and for the days of you and your kids, stand firm and tell him it’s over.

And please look at fling the freedom programme (which can be done online) to work on your self esteem and spot red flags quicker.

cupfinalchaos · 14/02/2026 11:07

The table is a place where families come together not just to eat but to banter, debate, bond. Congratulations to you, your ds and your dd for the start of your lives without a viscous, abusive, heinous ‘man’ in your home. Be strong for your kids now and you’ll never look back.

Driftingawaynow · 14/02/2026 11:19

TheSandgroper · 14/02/2026 08:07

Far out. Wake up to yourself.

When you decided to give your children life, you promised them that they would have as good a life as you could provide.

Instead, they have had to fight for the last eight years for safety and security from their mother.

Do not allow that man anywhere near your children. Ever. Work on being a parent. Get some help to learn how to parent adult children who have had damaged upbringing.

And if all that means you have to learn to live without a man in your bed, well, good.

Sorry for not being gentle. I don’t know what else to say to get the message you need through to you.

100% correct. You have serious work to do on yourself OP. I do hope your kids are not looking after you right now, they are the victims in this situation.

Catwalking · 14/02/2026 11:25

Change the locks & organise a “thank god it’s over” party !
Todays the 1st day of the rest of your & your children’s lives 👍.

Booboobagins · 14/02/2026 11:26

Thank gosh he left. Change the locks, pack his stuff up start divorce proceedings.

Hoping you and your DCs can build a better future for yourselves.

OSTMusTisNT · 14/02/2026 11:28

Sounds like good news to me, your poor kids living with that nasty dictator.

Bonkers1966 · 14/02/2026 11:32

We all make mistakes. Fortunately yours moved out. Focus on those kids. Would you consider a few sessions of family therapy? They might need to get a few things off their chests in a safe way.

Diamond7272 · 14/02/2026 11:34

He makes the third reich appear friendly. Rejoice he's gone/tried to invade Poland.

EarthSight · 14/02/2026 11:37

no talking at the table

What the actual fuck?? What on earth attracted you to such a Baron Von Trapp character?

My DS also said he has no regrets as has wanted to say something for years

I can't blame him.

I'm normally much more sympathetic towards posters but it sounds like you badly let your kids down with being with this man. You owe them all an apology.

janeandmarysmum · 14/02/2026 11:37

ChickenOrEgg24 · 14/02/2026 07:51

We have been together 8 years, married for 5. I have two children DS17 and DD14, he has a DS19. Our relationship has been up and down since he moved in if I’m honest. His DS chose early on not to stay at ours as he did not like my DS. My DH had tried to put very strict rules in place with my children, that I didn’t agree with, no talking at the table, elbows off the table, holding knife and fork even if not needing to use a knife. Very much a believer that children should be seen and not heard. Disproportionate punishments such as losing their computers or phones for a month for saying something out of turn. I always contested this and made sure discipline was proportionate. He had been the same with me, just nitpicking really.. if I wasn’t ready on time, boiled too much water in the kettle, but if I annoyed him or the kids had been rude to him, then he would stonewall us all for days, and sometimes weeks. I was always walking on eggshells. We had relationship counselling and things improved between us for a while (although again this was on and off). It all came to a head this week after an explosive argument with my now 17 year old DS, who did say some very inappropriate things to DH. DH retaliated and called my DS a c*t and told him to pack his bags. I was appalled. My DS also said he has no regrets as has wanted to say something for years. Anyway, after a long talk he has basically said that my children are feral (they really aren’t, they are kind, loving children with great senses of humour!) and that he has never liked my DS and in fact has resented him throughout our relationship. I told the kids yesterday and they were so happy that he has gone and said they have never liked him but never said anything as they wanted me to be happy. I feel awful that I just didn’t see the impact of all of this. I’m also feeling sad and confused, worried about the future and what this will look like! My DC have been amazing, especially my DS (the one who is a horrible person apparently). This separation is supposed to be temporary whilst I put some ‘boundaries’ in place but honestly, I think permanent is the better option. Probably should add that there have been some great times as well but in balance, the bad outweighs the good.
Please be gentle, I am still feeling very raw.

Good grief what have I read?? Your poor offspring.

Manzana · 14/02/2026 12:00

don't let your husband back in, what you described is no way to live for your children, or for you.

Nosejobnelly · 14/02/2026 12:00

He’s the c*nt.
I had a strict dad and even he wasn’t as bad as that (in the 80s). You are well rid, your DCs come first.

Forty85 · 14/02/2026 12:03

Jeez I'd get rid of my husband if he had rules like that for our children. What a fucking control freak. He needs to stay gone. Happy freedom day.

Twooclockrock · 14/02/2026 12:03

Well this sounds like brilliant news. Congratulations on getting rid of the shit from your life.
Onwards and upwards OP.
No regrets. You tried.
Its over and you can look forward to a future free from his nit picking and shitty attitude.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 14/02/2026 12:07

Feel pleased he’s gone. However, as pp said what’s the situation re your house? Does he have a claim when you divorce? Could you afford to buy him out if so? I hope the house is in your name.

DurinsBane · 14/02/2026 12:09

Booboobagins · 14/02/2026 11:26

Thank gosh he left. Change the locks, pack his stuff up start divorce proceedings.

Hoping you and your DCs can build a better future for yourselves.

If he co owns the house, she can’t change the locks, he has a legal right to enter

Harrietsaunt · 14/02/2026 12:14

Don’t let him sweet talk you into allowing him back.

What is the situation re the house. It may well be considered a marital asset, so the sooner you divorce the better in terms of any consideration of entitlement.

He has been abusing you and your precious DC. You need to get rid of him permanently. 💐

Tumbler2121 · 14/02/2026 12:21

I love the phrase "the rubbish took itself out"