Disappearing to the gym on Valentines Day.

[DemiMai]

Hi, would this annoy anyone else, or am I just going over the top?

So my husband is massively into the gym. Weight lifting in particular, and literaly goes every day.To cut a long story short there’s a woman that he’s ( very ) friendly with there that I’m not very comfortable with.

They chat all the time, before, during and after their workouts. She’s also in a relationship but not a very good one. She’s constantly moaning and asking my husband for advice.

Anyway I asked him on Saturday if he’d like to spend the day with me. My mum offered to have the kids Friday night till Sunday morning. So Breakfast in bed, go out for lunch, maybe have a few drinks etc. He’s straight up refused saying he’s going to the gym for 2/3 hours in the morning, and when he gets back we can do something together in the afternoon,

I’m not a needy person at all, but it annoys me that he can’t spend one whole day with me, also the fact I know he’s going to be there chatting to this girl the whole time, when I’m just sat at home waiting around for him.

Am I just going over the top or is this really selfish of him? Before anyone asks, I know they chat all the time because he tells me.

@Frenchfrychic I would say the same if sexes were reversed. If time is limited with both DC and partner, then going to the gym for a couple of hours in this limited time every day, shows that your priorities are not your family.

OP wants to spend a rare child free day with her partner.

I assume OP is default child carer when DH is at the gym, whether she wants to be or not

I think you’re projecting a bit here and making it about you. She’s given no background to their lives, and she doesn’t want to do something for the day, she wants to spend it lounging in bed eating and drinking,

He doesn't give up his 2-3 hours of gym every day for his kids, either. This isn't just about Valentine's Day.

Unless he's up at the crack of dawn and home by 9 every day, I'd be really annoyed by this obsessive 'hobby comes before everything' attitude.

Are you ok> she’s not said if they work, the hours, childcare, nothing. Just obsession with who’s looking after the kids. Very odd.

@Frenchfrychic OP has said he never has a weekend free to be with her and the DC.

True she hasn't she said that but it's still not the same as having a nice lay in together with no kids around. The issue here isn't Valentine's Day it's the fact ops partner can't give up one day at the gym when he goes every single day for several hours. Why can't he go late afternoon evening? Why does op have to suck it up but he doesn't have to compromise at all?

if op had posted my dh spends 2/3hrs in the gym every day avoiding family life everyone would be in full agreement with her its not acceptable. And really that's exactly what's going on here, Valentine's Day is irrelevant.

Yes she will be looking after the kids while he is at the gym. However there is 12 hours in the day at the weekend. There is no reason you cant do 3hr him 3hr her and the rest as family.
Weekdays fair enough, you need to alternate.

I’m not a needy person at all thats not what's coming across here to me.

What's the problem here, it's a couple og hours. Is it him wanting to go to gym or the woman he chats to there? Why will you just be sitting around in the morning? Don't you have any interests or hobbies you can do to take advantage of the kids free time?

Sounds like OP is insecure tbh.

Him going to the gym for a few hours on Valentine’s Day wouldn’t bother me. He’s said you can do something in the afternoon. The woman is a separate issue however.

It might not just be ‘breakfast in bed’ OP wants. And her DH’s response is to go to the gym and spend a few hours there with possibly another woman

How does he find time to do 2 or 3 hours in the gym every day? Does he work? Does he spend any time helping out at home? Do you ever spend quality time together? It seems that all his quality time is spent in the gym with this other woman. And the fact he can't miss one day to be with you on Valentine's day when you have organised it is pretty poor really. I hope he really treats you when he gets back to make up, but I somehow doubt it.

Tell him to go early, then wait for him in bed.... win/win!

Christ you’re getting a hard time here op. If you’d come on here saying your husband goes off playing football or cycling every single day and wasn’t prepared to change his plans ever to spend time with you or his child i’m pretty sure the responses would be different as I’ve seen those sort of threads before. I imagine it’s because a lot of women go to the gym frequently too, so they’re looking at it through that lens - but I can’t imagine they’re doing it to the detriment of family time.

On the face of it, a few hours to do something for himself is fine. But he already has that every single day. You’ve made arrangements for childcare anticipating you’d spend time together, so of course you’re hurt by his response. The fact you’ve mentioned this other woman and you say he tells you about her is concerning. How many times on here do we see people talking about mentionitis? Presumably he wants to go in the morning because that’s when she will be there?

Does he pull his weight around the house? Does he spend quality time with his child/children? Do you and he ever get quality time as a couple? Does he work? Basically, what does a typical day look like in your home? If you say he’s getting up super early to make sure he’s back to help with the school run etc, I’d feel less inclined to say it’s bc an issue than if he makes sure to leave for work before the kids are up, then not get home from the gym straight from work until after the kids are in bed.

Has he always been this into the gym? Or did his routine change after meeting her? Did he change the times he goes to coincide with when she goes?

out of curiosity, if you planned an activity to do together (eg if you had surprised him with a weekend away) would he do that with you? If you were to go away, would he be wanting to use the hotel gym? Or is it only his home gym that he wants to visit?

what time is he coming back at?

ie could he he doing a secret lunch with her or whatever at noon snd then back with you at 1pm for the rest of the day?

I’d rather go to the gym than have breakfast in bed followed by going out drinking the rest of the day into the evening. Not only is it counter to any kind of healthy lifestyle but sounds painfully boring.

I would refuse as well and also say I’m going to the gym per usual for my usual 2-3hrs and I’ll see you around lunchtime. You would not be sat around waiting you’d probably be having a lie in so you have energy to drink the rest of the day and night away.

It might be more he is refusing to do the self-destructive boozy activities you have suggested rather than refusing to spend time with you.

I think OP is getting a hard time here too - everyone in a romantic relationship surely wants to feel 'number one' and special on Valentine's Day? And I say that as someone totally addicted to exercise.

You could always go to the gym with him? Guest pass?

Or (my ex-H used to do this) you could go for a swim while he's in the gym then meet for lunch?

But I'd partly be doing both of these to make a point.

I can see why he wouldn't want to change his routine - but do you get the same amount of 'me' time? And the other woman - would he be ok with you having a similar relationship with a man?

Some of the PPs have it right - this isn't really about Valentine's Day.

I think you should ho to the gym with him, to at least put your mind at rest, it’s ok to spend time with him at something he likes shows your trying

2-3hrs a day in the gym is not normal.

My DH and I will still partake in our hobbies if they coincide with valentines or birthdays sometimes, but we’ll also compromise or celebrate at a different time etc.

I think posters calling you needy are missing the point. A DH that loves you would want you to feel happy not neglected.

Huh? But she doesn’t want to do anything for a day, she wants breakfast in bed, lunch and booze

A lazy morning in bed when you're kids-free is probably not going to be that lazy tho 😂It's an opportunity for sex and adult connection.

That he'd rather go to the gym like every other bloody day of the week for hours is a bit sad.

Think I’d probably join him 🤣

How many women with children can spend 2-3 hours a day outside the house on a hobby? I am not trying to make it about me, I am looking from a fairness perspective.

There are very few circumstances where it would be acceptable for one parent to be at home with the kids every day while the other is at the gym for several hours a day! Unless you are loaded and can afford a nanny, or if you are a super early riser and go at the crack of dawn and be back on time to help with the kids. It sounds like he is not doing his share. Personally a day in bed would not be my cup of tea either, but I think their issues are bigger than valentine’s day imo!

God you lot have low standards

I am going to the gym tomorrow, and so is my husband, and then we have plans together later. But neither of us have gym buddies, so it's a little different.
Also I get at least as much child free time to myself as he does.
As others have suggested, perhaps this isn't really about the gym (also who needs 2-3 hours at the gym? In and out within an hour, but that's because I'm not chatting to a gym buddy).

I read this as a rare child free weekend, and wanting to spend time with my significant other. Just happens to be valentine's weekend.

Personally I would be hurt by this. The idea of a lazy morning, cuddles (and maybe more) and a lovely day out sounds great, and a good way to reconnect with my partner. It doesn't sound like this happens often.

My ex was into her running and I might have suggested she go for a run mid morning for an hour or something whilst I pottered around the house after our morning fun. I'm sure the other half could have suggested a compromise if he really needed to go to the gym and made it an hour or so, after morning breakfast and snuggles.

So yeah, I'd be a bit annoyed.

I think there is more to it though, 2-3 hours a day seems excessive, and unsure how you fit that in a day with work and family commitments. The other woman would be an issue for me.