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Original poster

Choose my husband or potential kids?

75 replies

CountrySpirit · 12/02/2026 16:02

Back story. My husband (9 years older than me) has a child from a previous relationship, we have been together for 10 years. He said he never wanted another child only 1 but wouldn't expect me to not have any as that isn't fair. I told him I never knew if I wanted kids but I knew right now I didn't want them as I was too young at the time. I could honestly see my life without children but seeing over the years the bond and love my husband and his son have made me want that and also jealous in a way that he has that and I dont. I recently had a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy) and my husband has made it very clear he doesnt want to try again and has started looking into vasectomies. I need to add that our relationship is close to perfect we've had our bumps in the road but we truly love our life together. I have never thought even when I was young 'I cant wait to have kids one day' it was just part of the plan because thats the norm, you get a house get married have kids. But im now torn. I could leave my husband, my home, my life, my business, my friends (I moved to another country to be with him) with the hopes of finding someone knew and potentially have children or may not. Or do I come to terms with the fact that I will never have a child? Please feel free to ask questions....

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2026 16:06

If you do went to become a parent yourself your current h is not going to be the father. He’s telling you very clearly he does not went any more children. I do not think your relationship is anywhere near close to perfect either. How old are you now?.

dammit88 · 12/02/2026 16:07

How old are you?

Lookingforwardto2025 · 12/02/2026 16:07

How old are you? If you are in your 40s I would probably think about making your peace with no DC as chances of you meeting someone and knowing them well enough to have a DC with them before it is too late are slim.

If you are 20s or 30s then I would seriously consider ending your marriage. If you want a DC which you clearly do then I think staying in this marriage will only lead to resentment.

Jellybunny56 · 12/02/2026 16:07

Lookingforwardto2025 · 12/02/2026 16:07

How old are you? If you are in your 40s I would probably think about making your peace with no DC as chances of you meeting someone and knowing them well enough to have a DC with them before it is too late are slim.

If you are 20s or 30s then I would seriously consider ending your marriage. If you want a DC which you clearly do then I think staying in this marriage will only lead to resentment.

This. Your age massively impacts my view really.

TheOchreJoker · 12/02/2026 16:16

You say you are jealous of the bond he has with his son, is that your main motivation for having a child of your own? If so rethink it.

You should be asking yourself what you can offer a child, not what they can do for you. Keep in mind they're individuals with their own personalities and interests, you may or not not have a close relationship with your own child. Also what efforts have you made to bond with the stepson you already have?

If you believe you can offer a child a good life and you genuinely want to spend at least 18+ years raising and guiding another person into their adulthood then you may want to rethink your marriage.
If you just want a little person to show you affection then rethink motherhood.

Sodthesystem · 12/02/2026 16:21

If you don't reallllly want a child, you don't want one. So it's a non issue. The relationship he has with his boy is irrelevant as every relationship is different.

I couldn't imagine leaving someone I loved for a fantasy of someone who doesn't even exist, personally. It's pie in the sky.

Besides if you left him it could take many years to find someone else you loved. Let alone one that would be a good partner to you and a good dad. Infact, there's no guarantee you'd find one ever.

Rosiestraws · 12/02/2026 16:28

Just adding to the comments that the age is the most important thing here... I do also think the 9 year age gap may be worth considering.. this is also a potential issue further down the road. It's not the biggest gap in the world but from what I read on here, it makes a difference the older you get - say when you're early 60s and he's almost 70..men seem to age quicker than women (or maybe aren't force-fed the same propaganda about looking after yourself and looking young etc!).

I have left two serious relationships because we weren't aligned with children (I wanted them and they didnt). One 12 years older and one 9 years older (I am now not considering anyone that much older and have reassessed what I'm looking for). I have fertility issues but luckily froze some eggs at 35/36 so I feel like there's potentially still hope out there but I will also say that at 38/39 the dating scene for women, looking for decent men who actually want to have a family (and therefore might be considering mainly younger women) isn't great..

I also think you need to consider how you'd feel if, as time went on, you decided you REALLY wanted children and started resenting him.. the relationship might end anyway..

Original poster
CountrySpirit · 12/02/2026 16:48

TheOchreJoker · 12/02/2026 16:16

You say you are jealous of the bond he has with his son, is that your main motivation for having a child of your own? If so rethink it.

You should be asking yourself what you can offer a child, not what they can do for you. Keep in mind they're individuals with their own personalities and interests, you may or not not have a close relationship with your own child. Also what efforts have you made to bond with the stepson you already have?

If you believe you can offer a child a good life and you genuinely want to spend at least 18+ years raising and guiding another person into their adulthood then you may want to rethink your marriage.
If you just want a little person to show you affection then rethink motherhood.

I think I see what they have and think I want that, its not fair that he gets to have it and hes taking the choice away from me. I also think that having children is just a part of life people expect you do to but ive never felt the longing to be a mother. I have a great relationship with my stepchild, we spend alot of time together even without my husband present but we will never have the same bond because im not his parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
CountrySpirit · 12/02/2026 16:50

Sodthesystem · 12/02/2026 16:21

If you don't reallllly want a child, you don't want one. So it's a non issue. The relationship he has with his boy is irrelevant as every relationship is different.

I couldn't imagine leaving someone I loved for a fantasy of someone who doesn't even exist, personally. It's pie in the sky.

Besides if you left him it could take many years to find someone else you loved. Let alone one that would be a good partner to you and a good dad. Infact, there's no guarantee you'd find one ever.

Edited

This is also my though id be giving up everything I love and that makes me happy for a 'what if' but if I choose to stay and not have children there will always be a 'what if'

OP posts:
Original poster
CountrySpirit · 12/02/2026 16:54

Rosiestraws · 12/02/2026 16:28

Just adding to the comments that the age is the most important thing here... I do also think the 9 year age gap may be worth considering.. this is also a potential issue further down the road. It's not the biggest gap in the world but from what I read on here, it makes a difference the older you get - say when you're early 60s and he's almost 70..men seem to age quicker than women (or maybe aren't force-fed the same propaganda about looking after yourself and looking young etc!).

I have left two serious relationships because we weren't aligned with children (I wanted them and they didnt). One 12 years older and one 9 years older (I am now not considering anyone that much older and have reassessed what I'm looking for). I have fertility issues but luckily froze some eggs at 35/36 so I feel like there's potentially still hope out there but I will also say that at 38/39 the dating scene for women, looking for decent men who actually want to have a family (and therefore might be considering mainly younger women) isn't great..

I also think you need to consider how you'd feel if, as time went on, you decided you REALLY wanted children and started resenting him.. the relationship might end anyway..

Im 33 hes 42, he wants to now enjoy his life/have freedom again now his children is older. I sometimes think im totally fine with it as my longing to be a mother has never been that strong and after going through a recent miscarriage I dont know if I could take the heartache where it to happen again. But then I also think what if I got to my 40s/50s and wish id had a child once its too late

OP posts:
minipie · 12/02/2026 16:55

How did you feel when you got pregnant OP?

Original poster
CountrySpirit · 12/02/2026 16:56

minipie · 12/02/2026 16:55

How did you feel when you got pregnant OP?

Excited to buy cute outfits, have that bond and have a family unit. Overwhelmed with how much it would change my life and finances but that id make it work no matter what

OP posts:
dogsbowl · 12/02/2026 16:57

Never give up on children for a man.

minipie · 12/02/2026 17:08

Well that sounds like you want a baby. Especially as you felt heartache with the miscarriage rather than, say, relief. And especially as you are considering upending your entire, otherwise good, life for the chance of having a child.

You’re 33, you have a good chance to find someone else who does want children. It’s not guaranteed of course, but I suspect if you stay with DH you’ll always wonder what if and maybe resent that the option wasn’t there for you.

You got together with him when he was 33 (with a child) and you were 23. That’s really quite different in terms of life stages - at 23 very few people know whether they want kids. I didn’t have any maternal feelings until into my 30s. It’s not really surprising your feelings have changed.

hiyacloudsandstarsxoxoxxo · 12/02/2026 17:10

dogsbowl · 12/02/2026 16:57

Never give up on children for a man.

This

xOlive · 12/02/2026 17:14

If you were excited when you found out you were pregnant and then sad at having lost the baby… I’d say you want a child and the longing will grow the older you get and further away from having one you will get.
I wouldn’t let a husband get in the way of me having children.

Original poster
CountrySpirit · 12/02/2026 17:16

minipie · 12/02/2026 17:08

Well that sounds like you want a baby. Especially as you felt heartache with the miscarriage rather than, say, relief. And especially as you are considering upending your entire, otherwise good, life for the chance of having a child.

You’re 33, you have a good chance to find someone else who does want children. It’s not guaranteed of course, but I suspect if you stay with DH you’ll always wonder what if and maybe resent that the option wasn’t there for you.

You got together with him when he was 33 (with a child) and you were 23. That’s really quite different in terms of life stages - at 23 very few people know whether they want kids. I didn’t have any maternal feelings until into my 30s. It’s not really surprising your feelings have changed.

I grieved the miscarriage as a lost of life not at the loss of motherhood. When I think about how a baby will change my life, my finances, my work, my body all of that scares me and from the moment I found out I was pregnant my first thoughts wernt yay there where with how it was going to effect my life. As I say. I could honestly see my life without children, even if I left my husband it wouldn't be cause Im so desperate for a child that I cant be with him because I could honestly see myself going on with my life without ever having children its just because we see his child so frequently it almost feels like its being rubbed in my face what I cant have and the option is being taken away from me. I dont think the world is it is is a great place to bring children into and I dont think it would make me feel complete to have a child ive never felt broody and when I see cute happy babies I think oh isn't that nice but I dont want it thank you. But how do I know that I wont get those feelings later in life when its too late? All of my friends and siblings have children and i have loved seeing them but also giving them back and thinking rather you than me.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 12/02/2026 17:18

Can't you use a donar sperm if he isnt prepared to have a child.

catipuss · 12/02/2026 17:18

Suggest a sperm doner, he doesn't have to have another child and you can have one.

LightningMode · 12/02/2026 17:19

CountrySpirit · 12/02/2026 16:56

Excited to buy cute outfits, have that bond and have a family unit. Overwhelmed with how much it would change my life and finances but that id make it work no matter what

Show quote history

Yes, well, discounting the "cute outfits" bit, I would never give up on being a mother for a man.

minipie · 12/02/2026 17:20

Errrr not sure if the previous two posters are suggesting staying with your DH but having a baby with donor sperm, or splitting and using donor sperm.

If they’re suggesting staying together and using donor sperm I’m pretty sure your DH wouldn’t be ok with that!! It’s not just providing the sperm he objects to, he doesn’t want another child in his life.

BoredZelda · 12/02/2026 17:22

How would you feel if you were divorced at 40 with no children? There’s your answer.

Recentclock · 12/02/2026 17:25

BoredZelda · 12/02/2026 17:22

How would you feel if you were divorced at 40 with no children? There’s your answer.

This. Be very careful OP, I gave up the chance to have children with a husband who initially wanted them then changed his mind. I had made peace with this because I thought we had a great life and marriage. I am now getting divorced at 40 because he had an affair.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2026 17:27

Being childless (rather than proactively childfree) and a step parent is the worst of both worlds. The costs, limitations, inconveniences, sacrifices of having a child without the joy, wonder, unconditional love of being a mum.

I’m sorry for your miscarriage, I know how painful it can be, and it sounds like it’s given you some clarity about your feelings. At your age you’ve got time to meet someone else but I wouldn’t hang about moving on.

Original poster
CountrySpirit · 12/02/2026 17:29

BoredZelda · 12/02/2026 17:22

How would you feel if you were divorced at 40 with no children? There’s your answer.

Id resent him for taking my choice away to have kids but again my longing for a child isn't that much thatd id resent him for not giving me a child. I dont know if that makes sense. I've said afew times now that if I chose to leave him I dont see me actively trying to find a man to have a child with. If I met someone else and they said they didn't want children id be fine with that

OP posts:
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