Choose my husband or potential kids?

[CountrySpirit]

Back story. My husband (9 years older than me) has a child from a previous relationship, we have been together for 10 years. He said he never wanted another child only 1 but wouldn't expect me to not have any as that isn't fair. I told him I never knew if I wanted kids but I knew right now I didn't want them as I was too young at the time. I could honestly see my life without children but seeing over the years the bond and love my husband and his son have made me want that and also jealous in a way that he has that and I dont. I recently had a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy) and my husband has made it very clear he doesnt want to try again and has started looking into vasectomies. I need to add that our relationship is close to perfect we've had our bumps in the road but we truly love our life together. I have never thought even when I was young 'I cant wait to have kids one day' it was just part of the plan because thats the norm, you get a house get married have kids. But im now torn. I could leave my husband, my home, my life, my business, my friends (I moved to another country to be with him) with the hopes of finding someone knew and potentially have children or may not. Or do I come to terms with the fact that I will never have a child? Please feel free to ask questions....

Get a dog - seriously- pets are substitute children.

As someone who wasn't planning on having children, then got unexpectedly pregnant in my early 40s, I'd say choose the possibility of having children of your own. If I was in my 30s when I had my son, I would definitely have wanted at least one more.

This is really confusing OP.

You say that you are considering leaving your husband because he doesn't want kids, but if you met someone else who didn't want kids, that would be okay?

You say he was clear he only ever wanted one kid, which he already had, but also that he said he was open to more?

I don't quite get what the problem actually is? If your relationship is good and you don't really mind about not having kids, then great. If you do really want kids, then obviously you need to leave him and seek out a way to have kids either alone or with a new partner.

Is the issue that you don't actually know whether you want kids or not?

I would rather have children than a bloke but we are all different. I had mine at 34 (married) and 40 (widowed and chose to have a second by myself)

This. Or you could look into sperm donors.

I didn't want children at your age, but in my forties I had a miscarriage and this was a catalyst for wanting a baby. My partner and I had only been together 2 years and had only vaguely discussed parenthood. We were really lucky to go on to have 3 children and they have brought us so much joy. I sometimes think about how we very nearly didn't have them and feel such gratitude. I hope you find a resolution that gives you peace.

So the issue is that you need it to be your decision.

You need to decide that you don't want kids and that way no one is taking anything from you.

'What if I regret it?', so what? Unless you're incapable of processing regret and getting on with your life, what's the big deal?
Regrests are part of life.

It would be different if you were mad about kids for years and decided not to have them, for him. Otherwise, it's not really any different to any other regret, is it? Your life is filled with other things to live for so and you just get on with that.

Given your age, it is a no brainer.
If you do want a child and he is not willing to have another, leave him and start afresh.
You cannot give up being a mother for anyone. No one is worthy that much.

Imagine him leaving you in your forties and having a child with someone else. He is saying no to you right now but may change his mind again when it will be too late for you but still not too late for him. Life is unpredictable. I’d always chose having a child over a man. It’s a different level of love- unconditional one. No man can match that.

Op i was in a aimilar aituation, parter didnt want to have children and it wasnt important to me at the time. I wanted him more than a potential child. Then at 37 my biological clock exploded. It was the most painful period of my life . In my head i could accept us never having children but i couldnt ever imagine not trying and i was becoming bitter. I told him so. We fought and we cried. Happy story we have a 9 year old whom we both adore and he is a great daddy.

With the perspective of the above experience. Both of you are allowed to change your minds or not. Own your own decisions. They are on you and not him. My story has a happy ending but it could easily have not, the odds were stacked against us. I joined a great support group called "Gateway Women" who were not childless by choice and a longed for pregnancy didnt happen. A lot had partners who werent interested in having children until it was too late. Dont make a decusion by not making a decision.

Options.

1. Stay in marriage and come to terms with never having children, can you do this without tearing yourself and him apart?
2. Try and persuade your husband but he is telling you his baby years are done and he can choose to walk away or be resentful of a baby. Obv do not trick him
3. Leave your husband and seek a new relationship telling a potential new boyfriend from the start that you wanted a family, no guarantees that it will work out in terms of child or relationship.
4. Go it alone using a sperm donor, think of additiional ethical concerns on this in terms of child. 1 person i know is doing it well.

They were my options too and it was so painful, i know the ending of my story BUT if you were my friend i would say to walk away, your relationship is no longer compatible, you and your husband will resent each other. Having a baby throws a bomb into any relationship even a strong one. You deserve to be happy but so does your husband and esoecially a child. Both of you are allowed to change your mind.

I feel your anguish and wish you peace in your heart. Sending genuine love and empathy. I will be thinking of you.

If you truly didn’t want to have children the unexpected pregnancy would have filled you with sheer terror and dread and all you would have felt when you sadly miscarried (I’m so sorry for this) would have been relief.

I think you know deep down you want to have kids and your husband is clearly very certain he doesn’t. You could either leave and hope to find someone else within the next 4-5 years to settle down with or look into sperm donors. Either way, I think at 33 the time is nigh to decide.

I’m going to go against the grain here. Before actually having children, the prospect of doing so is very much a rose coloured view. Make no mistake, you will love your children but it will be the hardest and most life changing thing you will ever do. It will rearrange your whole existence in ways you didn’t think possible. Young people’s mental health is in crisis. This world with the pressures of social media, the rise of AI and the shrinking job market, population explosion, the environment crisis, the world political landscape etc is in my opinion a horrible, terrifying place to bring a child into. If I had know then what I know now, I wouldn’t have done it. The hormones and the biological clock can be a strong influence. If you are not 100% sure this is a road you want to go down, don’t throw away a good life based on a what if. Motherhood isn’t the picnic some would have you believe. Many have a wonderful experience, but just as many do not.

Your yearning for a child is likely to grow. I know lots of women who weren’t sure they wanted children at your age, but by their late 30s they were certain. Don’t throw away your only chance.

This is anecdotal though so shouldn’t cloud OP’s judgement. Some parents regret it, most don’t at all. Even this poster is saying she doesn’t really regret it, just that it’s difficult in ways she didn’t expect. It is difficult, I don’t think anyone is stupid enough to think otherwise.

Lots of people are giving 'what ifs' regarding your husband, but what if you find you hate motherhood? What if you don't get on with your child? What if your relationship with them is nothing like the one your partner has with his child?

Having a child to make things 'fair', out of envy, and because it is the 'done thing' - those don't seem like good reasons to end a happy relationship to me.

None of us can have it all, and I think lots of people assume that relationships will end, but the relationship with a child won't - and that isn't necessarily true. There are also no guarantees in life - you could leave this man and never meet another who would make a good father. Or you could meet another wonderful man and never get pregnant.

It might help to consider the worst outcome (which is the same in both situations - the end of this relationship and no child) and decide which causation (staying in this relationship, or ending it and remaining childless anyway) you can most easily live with.

Also which would leave you with more regrets - if having a child turned out to be the wrong decision, or if not having one turned out to be the wrong decision.

Do you think maybe you don’t want a child really deep down. But since being pregnant and then miscarrying and now your DH changing his mind. You feel let down by your DH, and that your DH has taken this option off the table and is taking control of your life and making this decision for you?
it does seem you weren’t overly bothered about being a mother but now the option has been removed by your DH everything has shifted.

I think the bigger age gap between you is also a factor. At nearly 50 I wouldn’t want to start again with a young baby. He is in his 40’s and would be in his 60’s before a new child was semi independent.

How old is your step child?

In your original post you didn't say that he was happy to have another DC, you said: He said he never wanted another child only 1 but wouldn't expect me to not have any as that isn't fair. That's not clear that he was saying he would have another child with you - it could mean that he didn't expect you to commit yourself to him, knowing that you wouldn't be able to have a DC.

I do detect an element of this. Without wanting to be unfair to the OP, I also get a slight sense of a child being a bit of an abstract 'thing', another building block in this great and priveleged life which she feels she should have. The reality of being a good parent is qualitatively different to every single other aspect of life - jobs, houses, romantic relationships, etc. I don't get the sense from the OP that this is something she really gets. Of course most people don't until they're doing it but here the OP is potentially giving up everything else for it so would need to be very very sure lest she end up unhappy in an entirely different way but this time with the responsibility of being a parent on top of it.

It seems to me the issue is OP’s feelings about DP’s relationship with SS.

What she needs to work out is whether this is envy (over SS) or jealousy (over DP). Either could be manifesting itself as “unfair”.

The two words are often used interchangeably these days but historically they meant different things. Envy is over what you have and jealousy is over what you don’t have. The distinction is useful here.

If it’s envy then she probably needs to leave. If it’s jealousy then she still might need to leave, but identifying it might help her overcome it.

Is your DH a little controlling?
You’ve been with him since you were fairly young & maybe immature (as you had no feelings for ‘motherhood’). Has he sort of indoctrinated you…. despite claiming he didn’t ‘really’ want to deprive you; was the alternative to not get married?

Be aware that the longing may come yet. Your hormones can change the way you feel very rapidly and at 33 you still have options. By 37 they've diminished greatly.

My take is that you are trying to persuade yourself you don't want a child. Very few of us have them because it makes total sense on paper. Most people are scared, even when a pregnancy is planned and wanted.

Life would be easier if you didn't want them but there's a niggle and if that starts to grow, it will damage your relationship regardless (I'm sorry. It's a horrible position).

I don't think you should make hasty decisions in the aftermath of a miscarriage but I think you do need to understand your own feelings properly and would benefit from exploring these with someone.

I don't get the distinction between envy and jealousy? Maybe a bit of a sidetrack, but could you explain that, please?

Envy is for what you don't have. OP wants a child of her own so that she can have that closeness of relationship that her DP has with SS.

Jealousy is for what you have. OP has DP, but SS takes away some of DP's time and attention from her.

On the face of it, OP is describing envy. But when she says if she met someone without kids, that would be okay -- she's straying into the territory of jealousy. I just think she needs to be brutally honest with herself about this.

Do not give up your fertile tears and dreams of motherhood for this man!! Personally I think he’s selfish but I know everyone on here will say his body his choice.