Choose my husband or potential kids?

[CountrySpirit]

Back story. My husband (9 years older than me) has a child from a previous relationship, we have been together for 10 years. He said he never wanted another child only 1 but wouldn't expect me to not have any as that isn't fair. I told him I never knew if I wanted kids but I knew right now I didn't want them as I was too young at the time. I could honestly see my life without children but seeing over the years the bond and love my husband and his son have made me want that and also jealous in a way that he has that and I dont. I recently had a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy) and my husband has made it very clear he doesnt want to try again and has started looking into vasectomies. I need to add that our relationship is close to perfect we've had our bumps in the road but we truly love our life together. I have never thought even when I was young 'I cant wait to have kids one day' it was just part of the plan because thats the norm, you get a house get married have kids. But im now torn. I could leave my husband, my home, my life, my business, my friends (I moved to another country to be with him) with the hopes of finding someone knew and potentially have children or may not. Or do I come to terms with the fact that I will never have a child? Please feel free to ask questions....

Wise words. There are no guarantees whichever path you choose here.

I think this is really unfair OP. He hasn’t taken your choice away, he has said from the start he didn’t want children and you agreed with that. It’s you who has changed the goal posts here, not him. Own your choices.

Then it would be his choice whether to stay or leave. And a bit mean of him if he had a vasectomy and took away any chance of OP having a child. So needs must sometimes.

"I also think that having children is just a part of life people expect you do to but ive never felt the longing to be a mother"

There's your answer right there, you don't long to be a mother, you just think having kids is expected and view your husband as an obstacle towards fulfilling that societal expectation. You're also jealous of what you view as something your husband has that you don't.

You want to blow up your marriage for an idealised fantasy of how you think you're supposed to live your life.

You stay with him and you give up your chance
You leave and you have a child
You leave and you do not have a child

You have no idea what will happen you just need to pick and take the risk.

He’s not taking away the chance for you to be a mum OP he’s always made his stance known. So I think that line is a bit unfair to your DH. But if thats how you feel it’s better you leave and find someone who does want children otherwise 10 years down the line you’ll be having resentment towards your husband over the what ifs

I wouldn’t give up my chance to be a mum but obviously no one can decide what’s most important to you!

Actually as i said in my orginal post from the start he said he'd be open to having another child as he didn't think it was fair for him to have a child from before we met and expect me to never have one. It was him who has later changed his mind after the miscarriage to say he knows he definitely doesnt want one.

I suspect you will regret it if you don’t have children. I would choose that over a romantic relationship but it’s your decision, not mine. 💐

Again I must not have made myself clear in the otginal post but when we first started dating he said he'd be open to having another child as he didn't think it was fair for me to not have one when he already does. We have also discussed children over the years (names etc) and hes never said definite no

Agreed. You were undecided which is fine, but not his fault you decided to live with indecision.

No-one's taken your choice away - you just haven't made it yet.

That's quite different from He said he never wanted another child only 1 but wouldn't expect me to not have any as that isn't fair.

I can't work out how he said he never wanted another child, yet also never said definite no? which is it?

It's pretty soul destroying though to live with a man who was happy to father a child with someone else, but not you. I'm not sure my mental health would survive that in truth.

I wouldn't give up being a mother for any man.

He said he only ever wanted one child but he be open to having another as it wouldnt be fair on me to never have one when he already had one.

Has he said he does not want another child because you are not giving out the message that you would really like to have children? If you were then he might react differently.

You are ambivalent so he sees no reason to rethink. He is dealing with what is in front of him: a partner who is not saying clearly that they want a child. He knows he is not interested in this, but if you stated a clear preference for a child he might have to reevaluate his options on a different basis.

I think the most important factor here is the fact that you are not sure what you want.

If you told your husband your desire for a child was so great that you were considering leaving him, what would he do? Would he compromise, or let you leave?

If the latter, then I think you should do it, and leave him. I am not saying he is categorically wrong for not wanting a child - of course I can't say this, everyone is entitled to make this choice - but I wouldn't stay with a man who would deny me something so important (and something he already has himself).

Therefore, I think the choice is easy. Tell him you want a child, and if he says "well, sadly we'd better split up then", then you better had.....

My ex- husband didn't want me to have DD. Though she was a planned child, he changed his mind when I became pregnant, and asked me to have an abortion. I didn't. As it happens, we aren't together anymore (though we didn't split till she was 5, and that was due to his cheating, not my persisting with the pregnancy) but he is an excellent father who loves his daughter very much. But I wasn't willing to pick him and his happiness over the chance to have a child of my own. And I don't think anybody should, really.

Sorry, I am not sure I have expressed myself all that well here - I hope that what I have written makes sense?

Good luck, whatever you decide.....

If you think you could manage as a single parent that's an option. Giving up a good marriage on the chance of meeting someone else suitable is a huge risk but if you were open to adoption as a single person then parenthood is less down to fate so less of a risk.

So your second sentence in your OP is incorrect?

It possibly doesn't matter to your current situation tbh but it's still a bit unfair to blame him.

It is unfair if he has changed the goal posts now. My brother got married for a second time 5yrs ago and he didn’t really want another child as his girls were in their 20’s, and he had them when he was late teens / mid 20’s but his wife had made clear at the start she wanted a child. And he said it wouldn’t be fair to deny her the opportunity of motherhood. He was 48 when his son was born and he loves him, but does find it a struggle doing it all again. But I respect that he didn’t change his mind even though it wouldn’t have been his choice really to be raising another child later in life.

I’d personally have to leave as i’d resent him so much and it would destroy the relationship anyway. Has he considered that you might leave him, or does he think you’ll just accept it? Don’t do nothing and then later regret it as you can’t reverse.

I think you should let him know that him taking having a child off the table is making you consider leaving. And yes, I think you’d be making a huge mistake to deny yourself this.

I think the most important factor here is the fact that you are not sure what you want.
I agree - and I do empathise, because it can be an impossible decision to make! You don't know what will happen, whether it'll be what you wanted... but I'd try and make peace with whatever you choose.

I don’t think I could stay with someone who let me think children were an option and then after ten years together changed his mind. You moved countries to keep your relationship and he’s not willing to discuss children he’s getting a vasectomy. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who called the shots on that way.

At 33 I think I would leave for children. You have time.

I'm friends with someone who has a similar situation. Her DH has children but didn't want more so she agreed not to have them. She is in her late 40s now and he is 60. Although she has made her peace with it, I think the resentment has started to creep in a bit. Their age difference is showing a bit more as he gets older. Quite a few of our friends have adult children who they see quite a lot of and get on well with. She doesn't have a close relationship with the step children. She isn't enjoying her career at the moment and I think she is feeling a bit fed up all round.

She made the decision to please him rather than herself and I think that is why it is bothering her now.