Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can my relationship be saved?

53 replies

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 12:01

DH of 14 years has always struggled with his mental health. He’s never been physically abusive but has thrown things, smashed things, shouted, sworn, disappeared off, used suicide threats or the silent treatment for days on end. These big episodes take place on average once a year. He’s had numerous rounds of counselling but always at my insistence or because I’ve set an ultimatum. In between episodes he can be kind, caring and a good dad. But I walk on eggshells as soon as his mood starts to deteriorate. Like I say, long periods of time can go in between episodes.

Every time it happens I lose a bit of respect for him and a bit of hope that things can get better. Last year he did it one time too many and when he left I didn’t let him come back. The respect I have left for him is very thin and the hope has gone.

I need to make a decision now on what to do. Should I try again or is 14 years long enough to have tried? I believe him when he says he wants to try but I don’t know that he’s capable of it.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 12/02/2026 12:08

Honestly, after 14 years, I think you've tried enough. It's perfectly reasonable to say you're done. If it's what you really want, then it's time to walk away.

67676767676767s · 12/02/2026 12:10

He’s had 14 years to improve.

ValidPistachio · 12/02/2026 12:12

14 years is about 13.5 years too many as it is.

cestlavielife · 12/02/2026 12:14

No. Stay separated.
The dc do not need to live with this.
They can see him when he is welll.

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 12:19

The DC have generally been protected from it, it’s me who gets it and tries to keep the peace as much as possible.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 12/02/2026 12:21

Have you been happier with him out the house?

SynthEsjs · 12/02/2026 12:22

Enough is enough. Why would anything be different about this time vs all other times you’ve tried?

You’ve given up 14 years of your life to living in this constant state of hypervigilence, bracing for when the next episode will be and have forgotten how it feels to be free.

I think you’ll feel very relieved if you leave him.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 12/02/2026 12:23

Why do you want to try?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 12/02/2026 12:23

What are your reasons to try, OP? Can you make a list of 5 or 10 reasons?

PashaMinaMio · 12/02/2026 12:24

Leopards dont change their spots.
In my experience this is the absolute truth.

You’ve put up with enough for long enough.

Cast it from your mind and carry on peacefully.

Dery · 12/02/2026 12:26

I feel it’s not said enough: love between adults should be conditional. If someone repeatedly treats you badly, even with periods of good behaviour in between, you can take your love back from them. Unconditional love is for children. It’s such a healthy sign that his repeated episodes of extremely poor behaviour have worn out your love for him. You’ve done the hardest part - you’ve got away (even if it’s because he left you). It’s too late. He had many chances and he blew them. Don’t take him back.

dreamingbohemian · 12/02/2026 12:28

How have the children been protected if he shouts, smashes things and disappears?

None of that is acceptable at all, let alone 14 years. The fact you would even consider it suggests you need the Freedom Programme pronto.

Wakemeupinapril · 12/02/2026 12:31

I can assure you the life after living with such a man is bloody fantastic. Raising your dc without him around 24/7 is the best thing for them...if he continues with the suicide threats he can see the dc when a judge seems him well enough. And get the police to do a welfare check every time he messages you his intentions.. If he isn't stable he can't see your dc..

ValidPistachio · 12/02/2026 12:31

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 12:19

The DC have generally been protected from it, it’s me who gets it and tries to keep the peace as much as possible.

Generally protected or not, your children are aware of it and it has affected them.

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 12:45

The counselling helped to a point but it still happens. I know the kids will have been affected by it, but surely it’s worse to go through a separation? I don’t think he’s a bad person and I believe he means well, his mental health is the issue.

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 12/02/2026 12:50

What is his mental health condition? What treatment has he tried for it? From where I'm sitting his behaviour sounds like domestic abuse not mental illness. Your children have been harmed by living with this - why do you think it's worse to separate and protect them from further damage?

PixelDustMom · 12/02/2026 12:53

Get out before your own mental health is ruined.

BauhausOfEliott · 12/02/2026 12:53

He isn't going to change. He just isn't.

Regardless of whether his behaviour is related to mental health, it's still abusive. You've put up with this for 14 years and he's never going to get any better. Honestly, leave him.

Pineapplewaves · 12/02/2026 12:58

How long has it been since he left? Is life better now that you are living separately? Has he sought help for his condition - spoken to his GP about medication or other help that will be available? He shouldn’t be saying that he wants to try to get better, he should be working on getting better right now…

ValidPistachio · 12/02/2026 13:03

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 12:45

The counselling helped to a point but it still happens. I know the kids will have been affected by it, but surely it’s worse to go through a separation? I don’t think he’s a bad person and I believe he means well, his mental health is the issue.

In what way would a separation be worse than exposing them to this toxic behaviour?

Wakemeupinapril · 12/02/2026 13:05

You aren't his therapist.
Or his carer..
My ex had depression.. Abused sleeping pills +alcohol.. Some days I feared he wouldn't wake up.
Oddly his depression was worse when shopping /school runs /chores needed doing.. He managed playing pool and golf no problem..
Twatism is sometimes a real medical issue ime.
Keep him gone op.
My ex left me for a week. He expected red carpet treatment when he came back.
He can back the same twat. Plodded on a year until I threw him out.
Wish I had just left him flounced that first time.
The plaster is off.

Now heal yourself and move on.
Only him can fix him.

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 14:40

I know this but I just can’t shake the thought that I might be doing something I regret. We’ve had some brilliant times in between these episodes.

OP posts:
toodleoothen · 12/02/2026 14:50

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 12:45

The counselling helped to a point but it still happens. I know the kids will have been affected by it, but surely it’s worse to go through a separation? I don’t think he’s a bad person and I believe he means well, his mental health is the issue.

It is NOT worse to go through a separation. I honestly think this is the worst reason to stay in a toxic situation, which yours clearly is. It is a toxic environment for kids to grow up around, and will give them the worst template for relationships. You are setting them up for a lifetime of unhealthy relationships by staying in one.

MyMilchick · 12/02/2026 14:53

14 years is long enough to be walking on eggshells OP. That's no life

Vivisays · 12/02/2026 14:58

Different strokes, but that’s long enough. If it were me, I’d be prioritising your future.