Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can my relationship be saved?

53 replies

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 12:01

DH of 14 years has always struggled with his mental health. He’s never been physically abusive but has thrown things, smashed things, shouted, sworn, disappeared off, used suicide threats or the silent treatment for days on end. These big episodes take place on average once a year. He’s had numerous rounds of counselling but always at my insistence or because I’ve set an ultimatum. In between episodes he can be kind, caring and a good dad. But I walk on eggshells as soon as his mood starts to deteriorate. Like I say, long periods of time can go in between episodes.

Every time it happens I lose a bit of respect for him and a bit of hope that things can get better. Last year he did it one time too many and when he left I didn’t let him come back. The respect I have left for him is very thin and the hope has gone.

I need to make a decision now on what to do. Should I try again or is 14 years long enough to have tried? I believe him when he says he wants to try but I don’t know that he’s capable of it.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 12/02/2026 20:13

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 12:45

The counselling helped to a point but it still happens. I know the kids will have been affected by it, but surely it’s worse to go through a separation? I don’t think he’s a bad person and I believe he means well, his mental health is the issue.

Good grief woman.

  1. The kids are learning how to be an adult, how to behave in a relationship, what to put up with on a relationship. They are learning every day and they will be learning the exact wrong thing if you take him back. You're already separated. The kids have, presumably, dealt with that. Why destabilise their home by allowing him back, never knowing when the black cloud will descend?
  2. This is your life we're talking about. Your happiness matters. You are not there just to serve husband and children. By showing that your own wellbeing matters, you teach your children to protect themselves as adults.
  3. I was married to a man like this for nearly 20 years. I don't regret marrying him, but I stayed about 10 years too long. Now, I read back through years and years of diaries and realise that it was all about him. I walked on eggshells for so long.
  4. My oldest two children, now adults, said that my mistake was showing that I would stay with him no matter what, and that love should not be unconditional. They love their father, but not one has said we should still be together.
DivorcedAndDelighted · 12/02/2026 20:20

Rugofmorocco · 12/02/2026 17:04

Thanks all. I think his behaviour has been abusive but he argues that it isn’t and it confuses me. I worry about the kids but I also worry about the affect on me if he comes back. I just want to be sure that I haven’t missed anything.

Hang on - if he thinks that this treatment of you is OK, who is he to judge what's best for the kids?
Someone does not have to be deliberately evil, deliberately harmful, to be "bad enough" to split. Splitting up does not mean he's a bad person. He's just no good for you - in fact, actively bad for you.
If he's really a great dad then he will continue to be one, and you can coparent well together.
If he really understood the impact of his behaviour on you, and potentially on the kids, then he would never stop trying to battle it. It's not a case of saying "I tried counselling but it didn't help" or "I tried medication but it didn't help". If he's really trying, he'd keep on trying different approaches, continually doing his best.

https://www.drpsychmom.com/what-to-try-in-addition-to-therapy-and-meds-when-youre-depressed/

https://www.drpsychmom.com/if-you-wont-try-meds-to-help-your-marriage-stop-saying-youd-try-anything

If You Won't Try Meds To Help Your Marriage, Stop Saying You'd Try Anything - Dr. Psych Mom

If being a person who has never taken meds is more important to you than being the best version of yourself, you need to work on that in therapy.

https://www.drpsychmom.com/if-you-wont-try-meds-to-help-your-marriage-stop-saying-youd-try-anything/

Bones101 · 13/02/2026 01:08

You'd be happier alone.

I'm a consultant in EM and this is how a lot of DV relationships start. He is violent. He is dangerous.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread