Can my relationship be saved?

[Rugofmorocco]

DH of 14 years has always struggled with his mental health. He’s never been physically abusive but has thrown things, smashed things, shouted, sworn, disappeared off, used suicide threats or the silent treatment for days on end. These big episodes take place on average once a year. He’s had numerous rounds of counselling but always at my insistence or because I’ve set an ultimatum. In between episodes he can be kind, caring and a good dad. But I walk on eggshells as soon as his mood starts to deteriorate. Like I say, long periods of time can go in between episodes.

Every time it happens I lose a bit of respect for him and a bit of hope that things can get better. Last year he did it one time too many and when he left I didn’t let him come back. The respect I have left for him is very thin and the hope has gone.

I need to make a decision now on what to do. Should I try again or is 14 years long enough to have tried? I believe him when he says he wants to try but I don’t know that he’s capable of it.

Saved? Why?

I'm not seeing the difference between mental health and abuse in what you have described?.

He sounds like someone who is abusive using mental health as an excuse.

You have put up with this far too long and you are showing your children this is acceptable. Would you want them to live with a partner who did this to them?

Having separated parents is not worse than growing up in a household where abusive behaviour is present. Your children need at least one calm safe place.

I hope you realise you deserve more.

Even Fred West managed to bag himself a dw or 2.. They can be nice when it suits.
Don't be grateful for crumbs op. You deserve much more.

He's not struggling with his mental health. He's using his moods to control you. He's emotionally abusive.

He has infact been showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse for the last 14 years. Nothing to do with MH issues at all. He does not treat his work colleagues with such contempt does he.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and sadly too your dc have been affected by their father’s abuse of you and in turn them.

Divorce is by far the better option for you and in turn they now. They can’t grow up thinking their dad’s abuse of you and in turn them is acceptable and or for them to be either the abused or the abuser in their own adult relationships. Do seek legal advice asap as knowledge is power in addition to contacting Womens Aid.

And trying to protect them from their dad’s abuse of you and in turn them is impossible. Sound travels and they have likely heard and seen far more than you care to realise.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your dad behave similar?.

What has he done to change while you have been living apart? Seen the GP? Worked with a counsellor? Taking medication? Started meditation? Nothing different?

Unless he has made significant changes, I can't see why you would inflict living with him again on your children.

Counselling does not work on abusers because abuse is about power and control. Abuse is not a relationship issue. He has and does feel entitled to act like he does towards you and in turn your children.

Check the checklist
Throwing things etc scores high

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/231176425_The_Validation_of_the_Checklist_of_Controlling_Behaviors_CCB

Thanks all. I think his behaviour has been abusive but he argues that it isn’t and it confuses me. I worry about the kids but I also worry about the affect on me if he comes back. I just want to be sure that I haven’t missed anything.

@Rugofmorocco - he doesn’t get to determine whether his behaviour was abusive. That’s your decision because you were the recipient of that behaviour.

If you’re uncertain, you don’t need to decide yet. You could just tell him you’re not deciding anything right now.

When people talk about someone having mental health issues I’m never quite sure exactly what they mean by that.
I worked in mental health for many years. And when people were psychotic or manic ( in other words seriously mentally ill) they would sometimes behave in ways which were out of character and that would occasionally involve aggression. But those people were under the care of pschiatry, on medication and sometimes required admission to hospital for medication. But you have to be pretty unwell before you lack responsibility for your own behaviour.
I saw many outpatients with depression, anxiety and other issues. This didn’t lead to aggression, giving someone the silent treatment , swearing or the other issues you describe. If they were behaving like that it was about the kind of person they were . I hate seeing mental illness being used as an explanation for abusive behaviour. But then I think true mental illness may be different to “ mental health issues” .
So dont let him guilt trip you into staying. Look after yourself and dc

Bin him.

You only live once. Why saddle yourself with REALLY hard work?

He’s depressed and had a horrible childhood which affects his behaviour.

I had a horribly abusive childhood. I manage not to behave in a way that terrorises people around me. It’s no excuse and you know it.

So how come you’ve end up lumbered with it? There’s sympathy/empathy and then there’s martyr. I wouldn’t waste my time.

Can you try again, without him moving back in?

Does he see the kids regularly at the moment?

All this would exhaust me. Terrible childhoods don’t excuse this behaviour. Your poor children.

That’s a red flag right there that he doesn’t think his behaviour is abusive.

The past is the best predictor of the future.

You’ve got out. For the sake of you all: stay out.

That’s one of the most naive things I’ve read in a long time

I think you’ve tried very hard for long enough op. There comes a time when you need to walk away for your own good and that of your children. Doesnt mean he’s a bad person, but he’s clearly not getting better, and surely now it’s time for you to drop the rope, and him to sort himself out. My ex had terrible mental health problems, I do know what’s its like. I too tried too hard and stayed too long. You deserve a life too.

That’s the case for many abusive men. It may go some way towards explaining, it doesn’t excuse it.

Your DC will be being impacted, regardless of what protection you think you have in place. Growing up in this environment is damaging them, and will continue to do so. Not to mention skewering their understanding of what a good relationship should be.

You owe it to them, and yourself to make a new life for yourselves. If your husband in any way a reasonable man he will accept this, and try to build/ maintain a better relationship with them apart.

After 14 years it's unlikely he will change . I understand all too well the walking on eggshells and dreading the signs that it's about to happen again . You may be better to end it now and have a peaceful life for you and your DC .