Told DH I’m done after 25 years

[Thisisntme1]

Last Friday I told my DH of 25 years that I was done. I didn’t mean to, it just came out. He was so happy for the weekend ahead and was paying me a compliment and I just started crying and had to tell him.

This has been a long time coming, we’ve been arguing or some sort of tension between us for 6 months (this time l, but there has been a repeated cycle of behaviour for as long as we’ve been together).

I’ve been with him since I was 17 and he’s all I know.
I love him and hate to see him so sad and I’m so worried I’ve just totally blown up my whole life, just when things were getting good/easier with having older teens and young adult kids.

I’ve been feeling pretty dead and numb inside for a while and he knew this but still said he feels pretty shocked and blindsided.
I don’t know where to go from here.
Today I’m faltering and I really don’t know if I’ve made the right decision or if I’ve just blown up my whole life.
But I also know I’ve felt this way repeatedly over the years so as unhealthy as it may be, I’m trying to hold onto the bad feelings I would get when I used to bring up and issue and it would turn into a 2 week argument.

What have I done 😩

Sending you hugs.

Would seeing a professional help to talk your feelings through? Do you need a holiday together or a break away on your own? Sometimes having time apart is the best thing you can do.... xx

It’s a big thing to end a long term relationship. But clearly you have your reasons. Make a list of them in your phone notes to remind yourself why you’ve told him it’s over. It’s scary to move on, but it sounds like you are unhappy. Have you tried couple counselling? Do you want to try and work on it, or do you think you are past that?

This happened to me, we had an argument about something and I said I wanted to separate, I had been unhappy for a couple of years but I definitely didn't wake up that morning knowing that was the day I would tell him. The argument was definitely the catalyst and then as soon as I said it , it was out there and I couldn't take it back. I didn't want to take it back either.
I don't think he totally believed me for the first few days but then he started to realize that I meant it. He did suggest counselling but I was too far gone at that point to want to try it, I had suggested it to him before but he wasn't interested.
In my opinion, you most likely meant what you said and the fact that it came out unexpectedly makes it more authentic. You have obviously been thinking about it for a while.
I do remember the sheer relief I felt once I said it and for those weeks after but I did also feel a lot of guilt too. I wish you the best of luck and hope whatever path you take that you're happy and that it's the right path for you.

you most likely meant what you said and the fact that it came out unexpectedly makes it more authentic.

I agree. But I also agree with @changeme4this that talking this through with a councillor might help you clarify your thoughts and feelings. If as a result you decide that you want to work on your marriage, couples therapy would be a good idea. But it must be your considered decision, rather than letting him talk you into staying.

@Thisisntme1
I also think as it came out unexpectedly it makes it more authentic.
I had the same scenario years ago with a DP of 17 years, getting ready for work, making a brew and it just came out "I don't love you anymore and I want you to leave "
I didn't plan it, hadn't been thinking about it, just a bit meh about our relationship.
He was devastated, I was calm but trying not to back down, once I'd actually said I knew I meant it.
We didn't have DC together so that made it easier.
Maybe you'd benefit from some counselling, just to get your feelings in order, someone neutral to offload to?
I feel for you, you'll be in turmoil ❤️

Thank you. It’s so hard because I’m 90% sure this is what I want but as I said I’ve been with him my whole life, he’s all I know.

He has so many good qualities and is very loyal but he’s so extremely emotionally immature.
The same issue has come up repeatedly for many years. Basically if I’m happy he’s happy (mostly, he can get into moods which causes tension in the house for everyone).

But if he does/says something that upsets me or I bring up an issue he becomes so defensive and sarcastic and it can turn into an argument that lasts for weeks. Then it usually gets swept under the rug, not spoken about or resolved and I have to get over it internally and emotionally to want to become intimate with him again. This happens multiple times a year.

I hate seeing him in such turmoil. Wapecially because he was so happy that day, and he feels blindsided by it.
We had an argument in August that lasted for 2 months and I told him then I was done. But he said he’d try and we went back to normal but on the inside I just never felt the same.

Well done you! It's never easy to break up a marriage, especially with children involved, but you had reached breaking point and had to tell him. You will have mixed feelings about it, that's natural but this will lessen over time as you move on with your new life without the emotional abuse/rollercoaster of your husband.
Start to take control by sorting out paperwork, contacting a lawyer etc.

I can understand being scared as you’ve been together since you were so young. Arguments that last months though? Sounds like you’ve made the right decision.

Well done OP, you've done the right thing. He sounds very controlling and as though you have been walking on eggshells to keep him happy for a long time. Not allowing you to show or express your needs is emotionally abusive behaviour and long term this must have been exhausting for you. Take one step at a time now, and don't let him change your mind. See a solicitor asap to find out where you stand.

I would say this sounds very similar to my situation and I’ve just realised after being together more or less 20 years that he is emotionally abusive! What’s done it for me finally realising after knowing his behaviour has never been the best is that he’s started to treat my daughter in a similar way, i still can’t really get my head around it and i flit back and forth but he’s really done a number on me and just some of the things you have mentioned really highlighted similar ways I’ve been treated! At best it sounds like repeated cycles of toxic behaviour which isn’t good for family life. I have said on a few occasions I’m not happy and I want to leave and each time he talks me around and I go back on my word, most times he says I’ll change and things briefly get a bit better but then it always slips back! If any of this is ringing true for you reach out and try to get some therapy for yourself! It’s the only thing that has helped me realise the situation i find myself in.

I was struck by what you said about not being bale to express your wants and needs as emotionally abusive. this is very very much the case in my marriage, and we are never allowed to discuss anythign or disagree. it could be smaller practical things like being ignored when I say I really really want ot decorate the hallway becasue it hasn't been doen for 25 years or bigger more emotional things like discussing having children. I ended up having a psychotic breakdwon. we had never had an argument and got on so so well in so many other ways I felt it hard t o see the relationship as abusive.

Well it’s been a long week and a bit since I told him. He was depressed all week, didn’t go to work for a few days. We’ve argued, we’ve got upset, he’s got frustrated and yelled at me.

Then I went to a family function without him. He could have come, he’s been part of the family for so long and everyone’s first question to me was to ask where DH was, as it’s not like us to not do things together.
The next morning I was half asleep and I felt him put his arm over me, a little hug.

I think he feels like this is one of our normal arguments and if we’re just quiet for a few days it will die off and go back to normal, but that fills me with dread.

I genuinely do love him, but I’ve betrayed myself so many times by staying when I told myself I would leave and as much as I love him and I hate seeing him broken and depressed I literally cannot do this cycle again.

I read over all my notes from previous times and I had written in November that it was the last time.
But things are calm in the house and I’m too nervous to bring it back up again and start another argument, upset him and create tension in the house.

No rentals have come up where we live which is making it hard. I could go to my parents a couple nights a week but need to be home every morning for the kids

I also want to add I’m a bit fearful I guess of what I’m giving up and if it’s right.
He is the most loyal person, a hard worker and good provider. Not at all controlling of finances or me going out with friends etc.
He doesn’t have any bad vices (doesn’t drink, smoke, do drugs, watch porn etc), not a sex pest, very hands on around the house and just does what needs to be done.

These are all amazing qualities I would want in a partner but I still feel the way I feel about our cycle of arguing, it’s quite toxic.
And yes, we have done counselling before. We trial separated in 2019, did counselling and then got back together.

But things are calm in the house and I’m too nervous to bring it back up again and start another argument, upset him and create tension in the house

Well he's relying on that.

The thing is, it's not just you who's suffering though is it? You have kids witnessing these 2 month arguments and putting up with tension. Why do they deserve that? Kids learn about relationships from us.

If you can't do it for yourself then do it for them. It's time to get a plan together to make you feel stronger for when you next bring it up.

Have you had counseling to work on your communication style? To really listen to each other. I saw something (The gottmans I think) that said that most arguments don’t get solved. It’s how couples argue that is important.
Id really look for a good therapist who works to help you both settle your nervous system and find more constructive ways of dealing with your difficulties.
On paper he sounds like a decent man. Maybe one who doesn’t know how to deal with difficult emotions.
Is it really worth up the upset and emotional upset - for you, for him, children etc?
Work to find a therapist who will help with the communication- not resolving arguments. Most arguments don’t get resolved. It’s about what’s going on w the nervous system underlying it all.

You are describing the cycle of abuse. This is not about communication styles, it is about power and control. I predict that he will become very manipulative and eventually not such a nice guy at all, once he realises that you are out of his control.

@Thisisntme1 I think we can fall into a trap of..everything is perfect..apart from this one issue. But usually that one issue is huge and just gets bigger and bigger until we have to walk away or risk abandoning ourselves. Also our thinking can get flawed eg you saying at least he’s not a sex pest..would you be in a relationship with a sex pest? We need to set the bar higher.

OP You are not happy and from past experience you know this is just the calm before another storm blows up. At the moment he's on his best behaviour before the next cycle of arguments starts.
Perhaps to help you get some objective support you should have counselling just for yourself to help you feel stronger, more resilient and able to face the future without him.
You say he's been frustrated and yelled at you since you told him you wanted to split up but has he offered any solutions as to how he can change his ways? I doubt it and l doubt he will change either as it sounds like this has been a pattern that's been going on long time.

I know counselling should probably be considered again but I’m genuinely just so over it.
We’ve (I’ve) tried working on it for so long. These cycles have happened a few times a year for 20 years.
I’m just so exhausted by it all.

He is a good man in a lot of ways, but at some point he actually has to do the work on himself to improve our relationship and he just won’t. It’s too hard for him. He takes literally everything I say as an attack, even the most benign questions.
He becomes sarcastic and offers ridiculous solutions to decisions we need to make so it falls back on me anyway.

Although I’ve heard the dating works out there in poor and I know that grass isn’t greener. I think I want to get out there and see if I am the issue or if someone could love me as I am.
Im not ready for that yet, I mean in the future, but also I think I’ve been contemplating our relationship for so long that I’ve probably been done mentally for a while.

Our kids are older teens/young adults, so doing their own thing anyway.
Even if we did work things out I genuinely don’t see how we can do it in the same house when we’ll just fall back into our normal routine

Are you unhappy with your life in general or him in particular? I think if we are blindly walking through life at times without considering what interests us or how we might like to create our lives ourselves we can attempt to put responsibility for that onto our spouse.

If on the other hand he is constantly batting off and making it harder for you to change your life into ways that will make you happier then he is the problem.

Only you know this.

If it helps, I have a friend who left a perfectly 'good' husband she just didnt love anymore, everyone said she was mad but she doesnt regret it at all.

Me i could happily stick pins in a voodoo doll of my ex 🤣

I think I’m pretty happy with life.
I have great friends and a good social life. I go to the gym and like work.
I enjoy going to concerts and other events and trying new things. I also love a good day in watching Netflix or something, I’m not on the go all the time.

He will come to a concert with me because I’ve bought tickets, but he would never suggest doing anything or going anywhere. It’s like he just tags along because of me, which is nice but also feels like I’m dragging him through life.

He doesn’t really have many interest or hobbies. I’ve tried suggesting things. Over Xmas break I suggested a thing we could do together, something I knew he’d enjoy but when I asked he made a excuses so I started on my own and I did try to get him to go again and he just kept putting it off.

I understand how you feel, OP. My ex had more visible character flaws than yours but basically we had toddled along for 20 years sort of ok-ish. I absolutely recognise the emotional immaturity you write of.

I wanted an equal: someone grown up who was a proper adult, not yet another child to deal with all the time. I didn't care if I never met anyone else, I knew I had to get away. It was very hard but I did it, you can too.

You have described my husband perfectly, your situation seems so similar, all the qualities you described exactly the same and yet we’re living in a toxic environment and going round in cycles of arguments! I’m not sure if this resonates with you but I question myself daily is it me, am I the problem? I think I am actually contributing to the issues now as I’m completely done. I’m checked out and I’ve given up on the relationship. I can see the harm and impacting its having in the children! My issue is I just don’t know how to leave!

@Overthinkingchampyes I feel immense guilt and continuously think I’m the problem.
I’m more worried about both of us financially. We’ll both be screwed. This is what’s stopped me in the past but this time it’s still not enough for me to want to go through the cycle again.
I can’t explain the absolute exhaustion and dread I feel if I think of doing it one more time. I feel like I will have betrayed myself.
My DH often tells me that the ‘only issue we have in our marriage comes down to a certain 14yo boy’ and he’s talking about our youngest DS, so he still can’t (won’t) admit his own responsibility to our issues.