Told DH I’m done after 25 years

[Thisisntme1]

Last Friday I told my DH of 25 years that I was done. I didn’t mean to, it just came out. He was so happy for the weekend ahead and was paying me a compliment and I just started crying and had to tell him.

This has been a long time coming, we’ve been arguing or some sort of tension between us for 6 months (this time l, but there has been a repeated cycle of behaviour for as long as we’ve been together).

I’ve been with him since I was 17 and he’s all I know.
I love him and hate to see him so sad and I’m so worried I’ve just totally blown up my whole life, just when things were getting good/easier with having older teens and young adult kids.

I’ve been feeling pretty dead and numb inside for a while and he knew this but still said he feels pretty shocked and blindsided.
I don’t know where to go from here.
Today I’m faltering and I really don’t know if I’ve made the right decision or if I’ve just blown up my whole life.
But I also know I’ve felt this way repeatedly over the years so as unhealthy as it may be, I’m trying to hold onto the bad feelings I would get when I used to bring up and issue and it would turn into a 2 week argument.

What have I done 😩

Horrible that he's blaming your child for all your problems - but why does he think that's the case?

Do you work, OP? Sorry if I missed it. In my case, I had a long term plan: I trained for a job, then got the job, then split with him. That, way, I was able to cope financially. My long term plan took the best part of a decade to come to fruition.

Change is scary but you know you’re doing the right thing.
It would be unfair to him to change your mind.

Why not just move out and say you want a break for 3 months.
Then you can meet up and make a final decision on what you want.

First thing. Do you think you can continue doing this for another twenty or thirty years until one of you dies? Because it's either that or leaving, and why put up with another year of turmoil and toxicity if you are going to be leaving at some point? That is what pushed me to leave as the thought of being trapped 24/7 once he retired gave me suicidal thoughts. The future was more scary than the now.

Secondly. I was with stbxh from 18 to 56 year and quite honestly the scariest bits are finding/moving a new place to live that's within budget. I already did household chores, children, garden, admin and finances so I knew I could function without him. It's been the best decision I've ever made and the inner peace I now have is indescribable. My only regret is not doing it twenty years ago.

Well I think it is clear that it is him so @Thisisntme1 and you deserve happiness/contentment. I would not take another active role in fixing him. Let him fix himself if he can and address these issues. I have seen plenty of versions of what you are describing and eventually the over functioning partner tires of the dynamics. I think you are making the right decision.

That is horrible and actually changes my view a lot. I was going to say that it was wrong to blow all your lives up over this, but if he is in the habit of blaming his children that is a deeply toxic trait.

I agree it's so bloody hard, I blurted mine out when in the car once when he was being pokey about something else. I, like you, just knew I was done.

The next six months are tough, without a doubt, but I can remember day one in my new house, stood with a coffee looking down the garden and just realising it was peaceful, no one to nag, whine or make me feel shit.

it hasn't been easy, and times downright lonely, but I'm 9 years down the line now and forever thankful I kept going with what I'd started. My ex equally hoped it would blow over, I had to raise every single conversation to keep it moving forwards.

So what’s the situation with your Son? Ate you both at odds as to how to deal with him and it’s snowballed from there?

If it came out of the blue then I can understand his feelings. If I were in that position I would at least try to resolve whatever the issues were, get counselling together etc so that he could at least see that I'd tried my best to make it work.

Good advise.
Also @Thisisntme1
Are you happy with yourself
When I was ‘a lot ‘ younger , I have left relationships, and blamed them.
But I still lurched from one disastrous relationship , to another ….
i realised I was the common denominator and that’s when I started to work on myself.
Because, funny thing is, in every relationship, you take yourself with you.
Once I started my journey of self awareness (and it took many years) , I started to attract different / better people/men into my life.

I told him last August that I was done. Everything I’m telling him now I told him then. He promised to try so I stayed.
its also been spoken about often over the years when we have one of these blow ups.

The situation with our DS is a lot to go into to provide context. He’s a good kid, suspected ND, handles his emotions like his dad and they trigger each other I think. DH has no patience and we’ve been through this exact same situation with our oldest DS when he was the same age.

I told my DH two weeks ago. I wasn’t supposed to but I’d had enough. I’m very conflict avoidant so for me to say it was huge. But I did. And once it’s out there, it’s out. We’re still living in the same house and it’s fairly amicable but it’s crazy to think it’s over. One conversation, one line from me (I love you, but I just don’t love you in that way anymore) and a 19 year marriage is over.

It sounds like it's your styles of communication that aren't working. Arguments for weeks?

Its rubbish for him to pin this on your son OP. He's a child! But it does seem part and parcel of his inability to take responsibility for himself, his behaviour, and its impact on others. Which doesn't seem likely to change.

It sounds as though our every fibre has been screaming to get out for a while now. And so, it also sounds as though you have done the right thing.

I'd hate to think of my husband hating the thought of another 5, 10, 30 years with me, not really able to conceal how he felt , but staying anyway. I'd find it hard to respect your DH for being willing to accept that, that you stayed out of guilt even though you were desperate inside. I wouldn't want to cohabit with someone in that state of mind!

You’re right. Our communication styles are very different. And in some instances I know I’m in the wrong and I’ll think about it and apologise.

I know what one of his main issues is and I try and back him up as much as I can.
It’s just so hard to communicate with someone who refuses to communicate like an adult.

I, in no way think I’m perfect, but I’m willing to learn and grow, he flat out refuses to ever admit any wrong doing.

If something has happened and he’s escalated the situation, even when it’s clear he’s mucked up, he will just double down and say he’d say it/do it again, instead of saying “you know what, I probably shouldn’t have said that” or “I could’ve done that differently”

Months ago when I originally told him how I was feeling and that I felt a bit numb and dead inside (not in an argument, just a conversation), he didn’t respond with kindness or curiosity, he just said “I should just throw myself under a bus and then everyone would be happy that I’m gone”.

I’ve tried bringing things up in an argument, I’ve tried to do it when things are calm (which then escalates), I’ve tried changing how I say things and over explaining so hopefully I say it in a way that he might understand or a way that resonates with him.
I genuinely feel for him and do often think it’s all my fault, maybe I’m being so unreasonable and expect too much and what I’ve spoken about recently is just one time, as I said this happens multiple times a year, sometimes justified on his behalf and sometimes over the most innocuous things.

I still sway towards looking at getting professional help. It’s clear you both love each other but communication is the problem.

it’s darn tiring for both of you and not getting any better.

Even if you do continue to separate, you are going to have to communicate… having a professional to guide both of you may well iron out some creases in whatever you decide.

in the meanwhile please try and get a few days away alone. Visit extended family or just take yourself off somewhere you fancy..

Feel free to message me anytime, I think our situations are very similar. I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m passed wanting to do couples therapy but then I feel extremely guilty for separating that family. However my therapist said that my body feels stuck because it’s all I’ve known, I’m in survival mode and the unknown is scary. Only you know if he’s willing to put in the effort and do the work to break the cycles that keep happening! I know my husband doesn’t believe in therapy so it’s a no go for us. I can over explain and try and get him to validate my feelings until the cows come home and he will never change, we’re just two very different people, shame I couldn’t see it 18 years ago!

Thank you. It’s so hard because I’m 90% sure this is what I want but as I said I’ve been with him my whole life, he’s all I know.

You've hopefully only lived half your life. You're young enough to have another 25 year marriage if you were so inclined or go off traveling the world like my 55 year old friend did after ending her marriage.
I recognise the cycle you're talking about from an old relationship. I lasted 10 years. It never ends until you end it.

This it’s so hard! The relationship will never end until you end it! I constantly say to my husband I’m unhappy, I feel alone in the relationship, more like room mates parenting( and most of time not even on same side of parenting) and he’s not bothered, he’s happy to carry on like this and I know he would never end it!

You say you've been with him since 18, OP. But you are not the person you were, then. It looks like another typical case of the man failing to grow up over the years, while the woman matures and becomes a functioning adult. All this arguing stuff is just crap. Just because he's all you've known doesn't mean that he's right for you any more (if he ever was).

I married my ex at 19 and all this arguing stuff sounds very familiar to me. He was/is just a child and is incapable of maturing. He's actually a bit thick. The point is, like yours I suspect, he is incapable of developing insight, he just doesn't have the capacity. This means you'll have this cycle of petty arguing forever, because he can't express himself any other way. The self pity I recognise too "I'll just throw myself under a bus, no one cares' yada yada. Pathetic and puerile.

I left aged 40. It's terribly hard but very very much worth it. I could be the mature woman I had grown into, without my ex holding me back.

The decision of wives to leave their H pretty much ALWAYS "comes out of the blue" and the men are ALWAYS "blindsided".

It's so common that divorce attorneys came up with the phrase Walkaway Wife Syndrome - where the wife had been voicing and showing her unhappiness with the marriage for years and the guy wasn't listening because the marriage was working for him and he deep down was sure he had her so trapped in marriage that she wouldn't leave.

They're not blindsided to find out that she was so unhappy, they're blindsided that she actually DID leave.

OP's case is very common. It's not because of lack of communication from OP. It's not because she hasn't tried everything to get through to him. It hasn't worked because he doesn't want to work on himself and because he sees OP as his opponent. This is a man who says dreadful infantile things to OP:

"Months ago when I originally told him how I was feeling and that I felt a bit numb and dead inside (not in an argument, just a conversation), he didn’t respond with kindness or curiosity, he just said “I should just throw myself under a bus and then everyone would be happy that I’m gone”."

OP, if you're done, leave. Maybe that will be the shock that gets this guy to review his behaviour and improve for his own sake. But I doubt it.

It’s not just communication issues it’s about how they see the world differently and how they deal with negative feelings. That’s not resolved by a few sessions of couples counselling. They’ve already tried that and it didn’t work because the issues are more deeply rooted.

Your husband isn’t really prepared to do the hard work of changing how he feels about other people and how he deals with difficult situations. I don’t know enough about him to know why he’s like that but there’s likely to be a reason - maybe coming from a dysfunctional family or never being given boundaries so he has a sense of entitlement??? It doesn’t matter because you can’t psychoanalyse him.

OP I tried to fix my husband for decades: if only I could explain things in a different way; try harder to make him feel better about himself; try setting boundaries; try being understanding. None of it worked because it wasn’t about me it was about his emotional immaturity. I’m not perfect obviously but I couldn’t solve it on my own, both people need to want to do the work. I regret leaving it this long as I’ve only just asked for a divorce. It’s been so dispiriting constantly burying my own wants, needs and dissatisfactions to keep the peace as any attempt at asserting myself led to arguments and lashing out. We also tried couples counselling and it worked for a while before he resorted to usual behaviours. I feel so much happier knowing it’ll be over soon though!

My husband and I are in the same situation . Over 20 years together. Can be very toxic. We are complete opposites and grate on each other and trigger each other. I fantasise about being on my own .ive told him twice I want to separate, then like you tried again. I wish so so much that I had been strong enough to see that through as we are even worse now. Im trying to get ducks in a row before saying it again but I'm so scared. In alot of ways I am a complete coward. I wish that he would cheat on me or he be the one to decide to leave. But for some unknown reason he won't. I know there's a financial element that he stays with me . Yet he wont admit this. We aren't intimate. We have separate rooms. We live separate lives already. But are so financially tied to each other to separate will be extremely hard. We would also have to live together until the house was sold. I cannot bare the thought of this. If things were different I would pack my things and walk out today, but I cant. Im playing the lottery every week ! My advice to you is now you have said it to him dont go backwards. You've done the first step ,please see it through

My message is directed at the original poster, not you. that's for them to decide...