Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What constitutes an emotional affair rather than a friendship?

76 replies

Anon1234567891 · 09/02/2026 12:08

So I have been concerned with my DH friendship with a female work colleague/friend. I posted about it on the cinema thread and I know almost everyone thought there was something going on. He eventually showed me his messages to her after I confronted him but went through them very quickly. I had seen some messages on his work phone, a couple of which were inappropriate but the rest were friendly/banter.
I have now seen messages on his personal phone a bit closer, there is nothing obviously romantic but maybe he could have deleted things before I saw them, but these are some examples :-
He messaged her just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, wishing her happy new year but also trying to arrange a cinema meet up while we were out as a family.
He has regularly messaged her while we are on holiday or a family day out, on one occasion trying to arrange a meet up when we got back to cheer her up. He said this is what friends do but I don’t know why he needs to message her when we are supposed to be having a nice time as a family and having family time.
Said he would miss her when she went on holiday and she could always stay.
Looked out for her when his exercise class was cancelled at the same place as hers so she could take him to the pub but she wasn’t there. She said he should take me out to pave the way for them to go out later in the month.
There are other things similar to this but it seems that he is the one that is instigating a lot of the conversations and going out when he made out to me it was her. He also wasn’t suggesting we go out and do anything together during this time which obviously isn’t good and I didn’t feel like a priority to him.

We are now at a bit of a stalemate as he says he hasn’t done anything wrong which technically he hasn’t but that’s a matter of opinion. How he behaved over this hasn’t been good not showing me his phone, avoiding me seeing his pin, being angry and defensive so I don’t know.

OP posts:
Chameleonchange · 09/02/2026 12:18

I remember your other threads OP.

I think the key things about an emotional affair are the amount of time the OW occupies in a man's mind, the fact messaging her and meeting her is more important to him than his time with his DW and the fact that keeping the relationship is more important to him than the happiness of his DW. His relationship with the OW has become his primary relationship.

My opinion right from the beginning of your first thread is that your DH is having, ayhthe very least, an emotional affair with this woman.

His reaction- being angry, defensive, secrecy with his phone and denying he has done anything wrong are also very typical of most men in threads on MN who are having emotional affairs

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 09/02/2026 12:26

Yes that is my thoughts. The messaging while we are supposed to be having family time obviously means she is on his mind when he is supposed to be with us, probably missing her as he’s not at work.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/02/2026 12:28

She is taking way too much space up in his head!

I'd be pissed off if I were you, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like you giving this much attention to another man.

Tonissister · 09/02/2026 12:30

He says he hasn't done anything wrong but he has upset you and rocked his marriage, and he has focused on her on holiday and days out with the family when his attentions should have been on the people he was with.

I think it's to do with exclusivity. If she is a friend, then he would be very happy for you to come along to meet ups with her, and for others to join him, and not care whether he sits next to her in a group setting etc. If he is angling for one-to-one meet ups and doesn't want you around, then it is clear there is a problem, and he knows it.

GoldDuster · 09/02/2026 12:33

We are now at a bit of a stalemate as he says he hasn’t done anything wrong

Do you think he's done something wrong? He doesn't have to and will never agree. If you have seen messages that cross a line, for you, then that is what you have seen. No matter how defensive he gets.

What you want to do about it is up to you. What would you like to do about it? What would break the stalemate?

BlueEyedBogWitch · 09/02/2026 12:34

I mean, he’s actually trying to set up dates with her.

I think that’s a line crossed.

LovelyBlind · 09/02/2026 12:35

"Love love looks not with the eyes but with the mind"
William Shakespear.

His mind is elsewhere.

If his mind is elsewhere, let his body go too,
Do not fight for a mind elsewhere.

Mom2K · 09/02/2026 12:35

Any way that he is behaving with her that he wouldn't be doing if it was a male friend is inappropriate.

Doubt very much he'd tell a male friend he would miss him if he went on a trip and that he could stay.

Also anything that crosses a line for you and causes you to question your marriage is inappropriate IMO. If he'd rather put this 'friendship ' first even if it destabilizes your marriage, it's an emotional affair. A person is way too invested if they'd rather potentially lose their spouse than the friend.

outerspacepotato · 09/02/2026 12:36

He's made her a presence, a third person, in your marriage. He prioritizes his relationship with her over his marriage. That's what makes it an emotional affair.

He's thinking about and contacting her frequently when he's with you or having family time. He's trying to set up one on one dates. The secrecy about his phone, being angry and defensive show he knows it's more than just a friendship.

Didimum · 09/02/2026 13:30

I remember you well, OP.

Honestly, I think you're tying yourself in knots to try to build some logical, point by point argument to get him to 'see the lights'. When the reality is, he will argue black into white and continue you make you feel crazy.

You're not.

There is only one point to make here – to both you and him: He doesn't make you feel as important to him as she is. The end.

butternut123 · 09/02/2026 13:36

Hi OP, I think he has done something wrong because he’s crossing boundaries on what you’re comfortable with as a partner. I am happily married and have a male best friend. The difference is my DH is completely comfortable with our friendship and we don’t txt inappropriately. My DH could read every message we’ve ever sent and there would be nothing even questionable about our friendship.

I would not be comfortable with the tone of those messages.

Hogglehedge · 09/02/2026 14:00

Anon1234567891 · 09/02/2026 12:08

So I have been concerned with my DH friendship with a female work colleague/friend. I posted about it on the cinema thread and I know almost everyone thought there was something going on. He eventually showed me his messages to her after I confronted him but went through them very quickly. I had seen some messages on his work phone, a couple of which were inappropriate but the rest were friendly/banter.
I have now seen messages on his personal phone a bit closer, there is nothing obviously romantic but maybe he could have deleted things before I saw them, but these are some examples :-
He messaged her just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, wishing her happy new year but also trying to arrange a cinema meet up while we were out as a family.
He has regularly messaged her while we are on holiday or a family day out, on one occasion trying to arrange a meet up when we got back to cheer her up. He said this is what friends do but I don’t know why he needs to message her when we are supposed to be having a nice time as a family and having family time.
Said he would miss her when she went on holiday and she could always stay.
Looked out for her when his exercise class was cancelled at the same place as hers so she could take him to the pub but she wasn’t there. She said he should take me out to pave the way for them to go out later in the month.
There are other things similar to this but it seems that he is the one that is instigating a lot of the conversations and going out when he made out to me it was her. He also wasn’t suggesting we go out and do anything together during this time which obviously isn’t good and I didn’t feel like a priority to him.

We are now at a bit of a stalemate as he says he hasn’t done anything wrong which technically he hasn’t but that’s a matter of opinion. How he behaved over this hasn’t been good not showing me his phone, avoiding me seeing his pin, being angry and defensive so I don’t know.

When i went through it last year my H was messaging her multiple times a day ,and it led to sexting. They talked about me, her husband, personal things , work rants, sexual talk. There was mentiontis he was mentioning her a lot.
He saw her at work daily too. He also lied , downplayed it all and gaslighted me. Its been truly awful.

There is a huge, big difference between this kind of thing and genuine work friends ,and no crossing of lines and boundaries. You can have friends of the opposite sex.

It sounds like your H may be starting to get to cross those lines but its hard to say for sure. Sending hugs. Keep a close eye on it definitely and follow your gut intuition. I was right with mine x

Hogglehedge · 09/02/2026 14:08

Just wanted to add but it wouldn't let me edit again - he is starting to take the p with it and it needs shutting down now, and if he values and respects you he will. Stand firm saying it makes you uncomfortable etc x

ShawnaMacallister · 09/02/2026 14:13

This is OBVIOUSLY an emotional affair. He's gaslighting and minimising with you. At what point do you decide he's treated you like a mug for long enough?

myfriendsellshouses · 09/02/2026 14:25

He shouldn't be messaging her during family days out. He shouldn't be looking for every opportunity to spend time with her.

You are unhappy and he doesn't care about that. You are allowed to draw a line in the sand and say, this is not right.

My XH was messaging somebody. She was the first person he contacted when he woke up, the last one he texted at night. He messaged her during family days out and holidays. He hid the contact from me. He suggested poetry and films, music etc to cheer her up. He talked about her all the time. He wanted to spend time with her.

He is married to her now.

GarlicBound · 09/02/2026 14:35

Didimum · 09/02/2026 13:30

I remember you well, OP.

Honestly, I think you're tying yourself in knots to try to build some logical, point by point argument to get him to 'see the lights'. When the reality is, he will argue black into white and continue you make you feel crazy.

You're not.

There is only one point to make here – to both you and him: He doesn't make you feel as important to him as she is. The end.

This, exactly. All that PPs have said is true - his mind's on her when his body's with you, he's defending and prevaricating, it's dishonest, he's transferred his emotional energy to this other relationship.

But the biggest thing is that you are unhappy, feeling destabilised and excluded, you've opened up to him - and he doesn't care.

There's no need to 'justify' or prove yourself. Imagine your husband had a leg injury and you wanted to do a sport together - do you get impatient and keep yelling at him to keep up, demanding exact specifications of his symptoms and telling him they're not bad enough to hold him back, moaning that he's spoiling your game? Assuming you're a normal, considerate human being - no. You sympathise and change your plans.

He, however, resents your emotional injury as an inconvenience. He caused this injury, the cure is in his hands, yet he still doesn't care how much you hurt.

It's a horrible thing to have to face, isn't it 😢 I'm sorry.

outerspacepotato · 09/02/2026 14:38

Oh, you're the one whose husband is taking his work affair partner to the cinema and talking about her not wearing underwear and they're dating.

Have you seen a lawyer? Your husband is a domestic abuser that you're afraid of. It's not physical violence, but insidious mental and emotional violence.

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 09/02/2026 14:41

This is the thing I knew they messaged occasionally but had no idea it was as often as it is and the fact of him instigating it and the timing of it, all while being grumpy and distant from me. The trouble is because ive gone quiet on it he thinks everything is ok now.

OP posts:
sharkstale · 09/02/2026 14:42

I remember your previous thread, and none of this is okay.

TheMentalMentalLoad · 09/02/2026 14:50

This is a complete and utter emotional affair. If you split up would he become physical with her? You bet he would. She is loving the fact that she’s under his skin when he’s with you. She will get a massive kick from that.

Bold your head up high and do not let him DARVO this.

ginasevern · 09/02/2026 15:53

@Anon1234567891 Your DH is definitely like a dog on heat. He's positively lusting after her although hard to tell if it's reciprocated. Honestly OP, he'd be in her knickers at the drop of a hat if she gave him the word and she's occupying most of his emotional head space. Please don't let him make a bloody fool of you. What's your next move?

jackdunnock · 09/02/2026 17:40

From what you've put above, it looks like he's lavishing her with unrequited attention and she's not really reciprocating but just going along with it. Is he more senior at work, could she be worried about rocking the boat if she rebuffs him?

An emotional affair can be as simple as neglecting your wife or husband (in terms of time/attention/priority) in order to give your attention to another person instead. There's usually flirty banter included, and often sharing intimate details too.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/02/2026 17:45

She is his primary relationship.

Original poster
Anon1234567891 · 09/02/2026 17:55

@jackdunnock I might not have made it completely clear on this thread but while he might have instigated most of the conversations she was quite happy to reply and go out on cinema visits with him. The ones on his work phone were a lot more banter/flirty which she seemed quite happy to go along with and respond to. And the one where she encouraged him to take me out so they could go out later in the month.

OP posts:
Nevermind17 · 09/02/2026 18:07

The difference between an EA and a friendship is secrecy.

My DH has a couple of good female friends. He calls them in front of me. He invites them to our house for a coffee when I’m there. If they send him a funny text he laughs and says “Have a look at this!” There’s no duplicity, and he’s never flirty with them.

Your DH has not just hidden his communications but has refused to show you when you’ve been concerned. Messaging during family time is crossing a boundary. You know that you are right about this. Don’t let him gaslight you.

Your relationship should be his priority. He’s making it clear that it isn’t.