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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What constitutes an emotional affair rather than a friendship?

76 replies

Anon1234567891 · 09/02/2026 12:08

So I have been concerned with my DH friendship with a female work colleague/friend. I posted about it on the cinema thread and I know almost everyone thought there was something going on. He eventually showed me his messages to her after I confronted him but went through them very quickly. I had seen some messages on his work phone, a couple of which were inappropriate but the rest were friendly/banter.
I have now seen messages on his personal phone a bit closer, there is nothing obviously romantic but maybe he could have deleted things before I saw them, but these are some examples :-
He messaged her just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, wishing her happy new year but also trying to arrange a cinema meet up while we were out as a family.
He has regularly messaged her while we are on holiday or a family day out, on one occasion trying to arrange a meet up when we got back to cheer her up. He said this is what friends do but I don’t know why he needs to message her when we are supposed to be having a nice time as a family and having family time.
Said he would miss her when she went on holiday and she could always stay.
Looked out for her when his exercise class was cancelled at the same place as hers so she could take him to the pub but she wasn’t there. She said he should take me out to pave the way for them to go out later in the month.
There are other things similar to this but it seems that he is the one that is instigating a lot of the conversations and going out when he made out to me it was her. He also wasn’t suggesting we go out and do anything together during this time which obviously isn’t good and I didn’t feel like a priority to him.

We are now at a bit of a stalemate as he says he hasn’t done anything wrong which technically he hasn’t but that’s a matter of opinion. How he behaved over this hasn’t been good not showing me his phone, avoiding me seeing his pin, being angry and defensive so I don’t know.

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 09/02/2026 19:39

When you told him how unhappy you were with the friendship and how it made you feel & how it’s inappropriateness upsets you. Did he say you and your feelings mean more to him than this friendship? If not time to consider wether you should be together & tell him that. It sounds like he doesn’t need to end the friendship because there are NO consequences from you

Milosc · 09/02/2026 20:03

OP, you already know the answer to this from your other threads. You keep posting thinking he is magically going to change for you. He isn't going to change. At some point you have to take responsibility for your own happiness. Three threads on and you are still asking the same questions and getting the same responses.You are letting him treat you this way.

Either leave or choose this life knowing who he is. You are waiting for him to see the light and pick you. He just isn't going to do that and he knows he doesn't have to and that you will put up with it. It is hard to leave but tying yourself up in knots the way you have is way worse than being free him. A man who loves his wife does not treat her this way.

DemelzaandRoss · 09/02/2026 20:12

I too remember your posts.
Sadly, this is an emotional affair. Or possibly more when they ‘meet at the cinema’.
Your DH behaviour is unacceptable.
As before, you have a choice. Either seek legal advice or ignore the EA.
There is no middle way.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 09/02/2026 20:34

How often does he message male friends? Does he text them whilst holidaying or on NYE, invite them to cinema?

LovelyBlind · 09/02/2026 20:46

Anon1234567891 · 09/02/2026 17:55

@jackdunnock I might not have made it completely clear on this thread but while he might have instigated most of the conversations she was quite happy to reply and go out on cinema visits with him. The ones on his work phone were a lot more banter/flirty which she seemed quite happy to go along with and respond to. And the one where she encouraged him to take me out so they could go out later in the month.

Crushingly bad, her suggesting he is allowed to take you out.
She is the puppet master and he's given her this exaulted possition by his fawning, complimenting and attention giving towards her.

Well you havn't found concrete evidence of a sexual affair, nor have you walked in on them but what he is doing regarding putting this woman first in your marriage is worse, it's hateful, it's disloyal, he is betraying and ungrateful.
Everthing a man can be to be the worst husband and partner a woman can have. And your poor children having to be witnesses to this vile degredation of their mother.

He is a cruel, selfish man who is doing untold damage to your mental health, I understand this takes time to come to terms with as his behaviour (which I don't believe could have ever been great) has floored you.

You are being abused, totally, believe that, this is intentional.

We also believe you, what you are seeing, hearing and feeling about his treatment of you,is real, he is a very bad person, I think you know that deep down, this one has a sadistic side to him.
I can hear it in your posts.

Please protect yourself from him, he has a bad nature.

sellthebigissue · 09/02/2026 20:50

LovelyBlind · 09/02/2026 20:46

Crushingly bad, her suggesting he is allowed to take you out.
She is the puppet master and he's given her this exaulted possition by his fawning, complimenting and attention giving towards her.

Well you havn't found concrete evidence of a sexual affair, nor have you walked in on them but what he is doing regarding putting this woman first in your marriage is worse, it's hateful, it's disloyal, he is betraying and ungrateful.
Everthing a man can be to be the worst husband and partner a woman can have. And your poor children having to be witnesses to this vile degredation of their mother.

He is a cruel, selfish man who is doing untold damage to your mental health, I understand this takes time to come to terms with as his behaviour (which I don't believe could have ever been great) has floored you.

You are being abused, totally, believe that, this is intentional.

We also believe you, what you are seeing, hearing and feeling about his treatment of you,is real, he is a very bad person, I think you know that deep down, this one has a sadistic side to him.
I can hear it in your posts.

Please protect yourself from him, he has a bad nature.

Whilst i agree with some of the things you are saying, you need to calm down a bit.

LovelyBlind · 09/02/2026 20:55

sellthebigissue · 09/02/2026 20:50

Whilst i agree with some of the things you are saying, you need to calm down a bit.

I disagree, this man is intentionally trying to break this woman's spirit and her mental health.

There will be others who know what I mean.

sellthebigissue · 09/02/2026 20:59

LovelyBlind · 09/02/2026 20:55

I disagree, this man is intentionally trying to break this woman's spirit and her mental health.

There will be others who know what I mean.

Its perfectly okay for you to disagree but dont presume I dont know what you mean. The OP has shared a mere snippet of their relationship and this is the problem with women bashing men on mumsnet.

I dont agree with his behaviour, but you cannot pass judgement as strong as yours when you literally know nothing about either of these people.

Icecreamisthebest · 09/02/2026 21:02

Does he treat her the same as he treats his other friends? And does he prioritise his marriage? This is key for me.

Laiste · 09/02/2026 21:09

I'd be soooooo pissed off OP
💐

Just ask yourself - can you see him saying exactly these things to a man?

No. He wouldnt be telling a bloke at work he was going to ''miss him'' for gods sake.

When are you going to get angry?

Im angry FOR you reading this!!

WallaceinAnderland · 09/02/2026 22:25

There is no way that he will admit an emotional connection with this woman so he has to deny it. You could be really clever and call his bluff. Tell him enough's enough, he has to choose either you or her. That will force him to admit he chooses her.

Or you could just walk away because who wants to be second best in their marriage.

LovelyBlind · 09/02/2026 22:41

sellthebigissue · 09/02/2026 20:59

Its perfectly okay for you to disagree but dont presume I dont know what you mean. The OP has shared a mere snippet of their relationship and this is the problem with women bashing men on mumsnet.

I dont agree with his behaviour, but you cannot pass judgement as strong as yours when you literally know nothing about either of these people.

I know enough.

"And the one where she encouraged him to take me out so that he could take her out later in the month"

Do you think this is just bad behaviour, he has been activly discussing op with his womanfriend and she has given permission for the husband to take his own wife out.
This is treacherous behaviour, he has transfered power to his friend when he knows his wife is on high alert and watching them and reading communication, heartbreaking and totally dehumanising at the same time.
Op is confused with this sudden turning and it appears he is enjoying it, not just the ego boost but his refusal to see op's point of view by ignoring her pain and denying her reality.
Op needs support because it looks like he's forgotten how to be kind, he's on a power trip.
I'm sorry @sellthebigissue if you think all I'm doing is man bashing, not the case, but some men are in a whole different league for harming and mental cruelty.

brightpinkchoc · 09/02/2026 23:48

I particularly don't like that bit - take you out so they can go out later in the month. She is complicit in this. It is disrespectful.

Ponderingwindow · 10/02/2026 00:12

When you are the person having the emotional affair, it sneaks up on you. You don’t realize that you are starting to rely on your friend for emotional intimacy more than your spouse. You don’t realize that the person you are excited to talk to has changed. It is a slow shift.

It isn’t easy to say where the line lies, just that there is a line where the friendship starts to interfere with the marriage. At that point, the friendship or the marriage has to end. You can’t have both.

Milosc · 10/02/2026 02:51

sellthebigissue · 09/02/2026 20:59

Its perfectly okay for you to disagree but dont presume I dont know what you mean. The OP has shared a mere snippet of their relationship and this is the problem with women bashing men on mumsnet.

I dont agree with his behaviour, but you cannot pass judgement as strong as yours when you literally know nothing about either of these people.

Have you read the other four threads OP wrote about him? She goes into rather sad detail of how he is messaging the OW to wear knickers next time they are in the reclining seats at the cinema on their date. 🙄

Beenwhereyouareagain · 10/02/2026 03:13

@Anon1234567891

I've followed all of your threads, and he is STILL causing your mind to run in circles. He confuses you and gives very poor excuses for his behavior.

@Didimum made a concise and astute comment saying "There is only one point to make here – to both you and him: He doesn't make you feel as important to him as she is. The end."

He's been making you feel less than for a long time now. He knows it's really upset you for months, yet only now has he done anything to try to assuage your concerns.

Whoever it is he cares about most, does he give you the feeling it's you? For my money, I think the person he cares the most about is himself.

You really do deserve so much better. ❤

secretrocker · 10/02/2026 09:59

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 09/02/2026 20:34

How often does he message male friends? Does he text them whilst holidaying or on NYE, invite them to cinema?

He may not, but I don't think this is a "gotcha".
DH has several friends chats, mostly male or male groups and yes, he messages them constantly, it's a little annoying.
So I don't think this is a thing he's only doing because she's female.
However, I do think he's having an innappropriate emotional (at least) affair.

sellthebigissue · 10/02/2026 10:01

Milosc · 10/02/2026 02:51

Have you read the other four threads OP wrote about him? She goes into rather sad detail of how he is messaging the OW to wear knickers next time they are in the reclining seats at the cinema on their date. 🙄

Nooooo I HAVE NOT!!!!
I dont know how to access previous posts and things on here. I use the app and it doesnt seem to let me.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/02/2026 10:18

I think the questions to ask about whether it's an emotional affair or a friendship:

  • is this a longstanding friendship of years and has contact always been like this? Emotional affairs tend to get intense quite quickly.
  • is he investing more time thinking about / contacting/ arranging things with this friend than anything else (eg his wife, his children); is she taking up most of his emotional heads pace?
  • does he treat her differently to other friend
  • is he distressed when he can't see / speak to her. Most peoples genuine friendships aren't so intense that they can't go for a few days without contact
  • does he tell her things that he wouldn't discuss with you

If he is like this with just her, is thinking about her whatever else he is doing, if he didn't know her two years ago and now can't go a few days without speaking to her or seeing her, that's way more intense than a normal friendship

Would he honestly be ok if you met a man and messaged him constantly, thought about him constantly, and had jokes about underwear when you saw him on your own?

waterrat · 10/02/2026 10:29

IN these threads there is always a misguided search for 'certainty' - for you to get him to admit 'the truth'

IN doing this you are not respecting your own boundaries.

You are unhappy- you don't like the level of contact and his relationship with her

If you could build your own inner strenght you would not need him to 'admit' to anything you would just say - right, you have gone past my boundary our relationship is over.

LovelyBlind · 10/02/2026 13:16

waterrat · 10/02/2026 10:29

IN these threads there is always a misguided search for 'certainty' - for you to get him to admit 'the truth'

IN doing this you are not respecting your own boundaries.

You are unhappy- you don't like the level of contact and his relationship with her

If you could build your own inner strenght you would not need him to 'admit' to anything you would just say - right, you have gone past my boundary our relationship is over.

Perfect.

And this is the point in which op needs to get to.

Op needs to understand how cruel he is acting and how others recognise this, she is not being unreasonable in her conclusions.
His behaviour is nasty and so is that of his friend, the worrying thing is this now apears to be going into provocation teritory where they are actively harming her for their delight, how far can we get away with this type behaviour.

Good and evil is the bottom line, you are on the right side of this but this triangulation is very harmful for you and shows the depravity of his values and the cruelty of his denials.
I hope you have some support because he is very manipulative and you need to escape this horrible game he's exposing you to. He's got you teetering on the fear ledge, will it end, will everthing that you've known to be safe and real just disolve overnight. He's the one in charge and you feel powerless, for what it's worth it sounds to me as though he's a cake eater and this 'friendship' will fade out eventually, but the damage will be done, throughout this awaful period you have been unknowingly gaining strenghth, forced upon you by this hellish game.

Just understand you are the good one, the reasonable one, the logical one in this, regardless of any other factors but he will try to discredit you if you try to reveal his character, so keep safe if he intimidates, threatens or harms you in any physical way, call the police.
And in the future it wouldn't surprise me, even after the crap he's putting you through to expect you to love him again as though nothing has happened, again another episode of gaslighting and mental cruelty.

But love that comes too late,
Like a remorseful pardon slowly carried,
To the great sender turns a sour offence,
Crying, 'That's good that's gone.

William Shakespear.

This where you need to be, and with this awful excuse for a husband you will eventually get there.

Anon1234567891 · 10/02/2026 13:23

He’s known her a long time so I don’t know if contact has always been like this. It’s certainly far more than I realised. Most of it is “innocent” and having a laugh, he had said I don’t laugh at his jokes anymore and I guess she does. They are messaging every few days on average but this is on top of him seeing her at work, although they are in different offices now.
But it’s just how he has to message her about the various things we’re doing, I couldn’t see him doing that with a male friend but maybe blokes aren’t interested.
But the amount of time he was putting into trying to arrange his nights out seems to be far more than actually happened and more than with me. If he wanted to go to the cinema he should have asked me.
There were a couple where he was pleased he’d managed to get out of seeing something I wanted to see and taking the piss and doing something to appease the fact he was going out. She wasn’t messaging him when she was on holiday.
I know you’re all right. Judging by this if he really isn’t going to go to the cinema any more and not message as much, which seems to be the case so far, it must be a killer for him.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/02/2026 13:25

When you are the person having the emotional affair, it sneaks up on you. You don’t realize that you are starting to rely on your friend for emotional intimacy more than your spouse.

You do when your spouse actually tells you what you are doing.

And yet he keeps on doing it, so what's his excuse now?

CalpolOnToast · 10/02/2026 13:38

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/02/2026 10:18

I think the questions to ask about whether it's an emotional affair or a friendship:

  • is this a longstanding friendship of years and has contact always been like this? Emotional affairs tend to get intense quite quickly.
  • is he investing more time thinking about / contacting/ arranging things with this friend than anything else (eg his wife, his children); is she taking up most of his emotional heads pace?
  • does he treat her differently to other friend
  • is he distressed when he can't see / speak to her. Most peoples genuine friendships aren't so intense that they can't go for a few days without contact
  • does he tell her things that he wouldn't discuss with you

If he is like this with just her, is thinking about her whatever else he is doing, if he didn't know her two years ago and now can't go a few days without speaking to her or seeing her, that's way more intense than a normal friendship

Would he honestly be ok if you met a man and messaged him constantly, thought about him constantly, and had jokes about underwear when you saw him on your own?

I experienced all of this. Also I felt like I was the mistress for him to shag while he couldn't shag his "wife". Horrible feeling.

LovelyBlind · 10/02/2026 13:42

Actively watching from the sidelines whilst your husband flirts, chases and fawns over another woman, only to be told you are imagining what you are seeing and hearing is unimaginately cruel.

When the beneficiary forgets the benefits it is so painful.