Sex 3 times a year

[MissVO]

My partner (35) has no interest in being intimate. Its really affecting my self esteem. Ive spoken to him about it and he says he understands and we will get through this but it's been 2 years now. We probably have sex every 4 months when he's in the mood. Ive tried to initiate but get rejected or he can't continue. Ive tried being patient as i know he gets stressed very easily. He also has a personality disorder but is not in therapy or on medication. When I told him it was really affecting me he ended things and then we got back together, things went back to normal for a few months and now its back to no intimacy. Every other part of our relationship is ok but I don't know what else to do. He isn't interested in therapy. I feel like im trying to fix this alone!

He doesn’t want to have sex with you
He doesn’t want to look into his medical condition to get better for you or for him
he doesn’t want to do therapy with you
and he broke up with you

you can’t fix it alone other than deciding you don’t mind not having sex
What are you hoping for?

Sorry that was a bit harsh, I think you’re flogging a dead horse though, if things really are good other than this then you have to decide how important sex with him is. I doubt they’re that good though from what you’ve said

Honestly, I’ve been stuck in this situation for 15 years and it’s bloody miserable.

I stayed because the rest of our marriage is good, but don’t underestimate your need for sex, or the battering it will give to your self esteem over the years.

I often wish I’d ended it years ago when I was younger, I’d have had more confidence to start again. Unfortunately my self esteem is so low now that I assume I’ll never find another partner anyway, so I may as well stay in a sexless marriage.

What do you think the issue is? Mine was addicted to porn which led to ED. Downward spiral from there.

op

You cannot fix him and you will only hurt yourself in trying to do so.

You deserve better from a relationship, you just need to believe that yourself.

Maryberry - surely it’s better for you to part ways then to be together and miserable as you are now. It’s never too late to leave and staying in this for you is akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts.

Every few days there is a thread about mismatched sex drives. There is usually no right or wrong answer except it rarely improves so you either choose that this is it or you leave and pursue somebody who desires you

That wasn't harsh at all, if anything its probably what I needed to hear. He ticks so many other boxes. He treats me well, we both have similar views in terms or having children and marriage. Maybe im just scared I won't find anyone else.

Im sorry to hear you're also in this situation. Im worried mine isn't going to get better and that it'll be the same 10 years later and no improvement.
May I ask, have you ever thought about infidelity or open relationships or leaving?
I know he watches porn but how do I know or should i just ask him if he's addicted?

If you can live without sex, then stay. If you can’t, it would be better for both of you to leave the relationship. That can be tough when you love the other person and the relationship is otherwise good but no one is owed sex and he has the right not to do anything about it if he doesn’t want to. You have the right to say it’s a dealbreaker for you.

It will never change. You need to be blunt with yourself - if he wanted things to change, he would do something to change it.

If you’re not married and have no dc I can’t see why you’d stay in this relationship. Cut your losses

His position is clear. It's not for you to pressure him to change it. What you can do is make the choice to move on. You can only control your own behaviour. Shift your focus away from him and onto you.

I don't think i could live without it for the rest of my life. The thing is he says he wants to fix it or that he understands how I feel but he doesn't do anything about it. I feel he's just saying it to keep me quiet

I'm watching this thread with interest in view of the other thread on the same topic. My advice is the same as that one. If you don't want a sexless relationship, if the other party won't seek help to try to remedy the situation, then end it.
Sorry to bring poetry into it. But the Andrew Marvell poem has these lines:
' The graves a fine and private place
But none, I think, do there embrace'
Do you want to turn round one day and realize that you have spent years hoping something would change? And it didn't.

Trying to conceive would be difficult if he's so unwilling to have sex. I'd cut your losses.

I've been in the same situation for years. Partner does have testosterone issues and I do understand BUT, I have gone around and around in circles trying to help the issue.
Ultimately I feel like I'm repulsive and have no self esteem, I'm pretty sure he gets his kicks from other sources. He doesn't even try anymore to be intimate, I don't even so much as get a cuddle when we're in bed.

Im not going to go on as I could start my own thread about this. I don't even have any answers for you other than ultimately you need to decide whether you can live a sexless life or find a new relationship. I'm quite aware I need to take a piece of my own advice too.

So there’s your answer. He’s not actually willing to do anything about it so it’s time to move on.

I’ve not considered open relationships, it just sounds so complicated and I wouldn’t even know where or how to meet someone else.

Yes I’ve considered leaving many many times, in fact it’s always at the back of my mind.
However, I’m in a 38 year long relationship with kids. When I weigh up the pros and cons, I always end up thinking it’s better to stay but at your age, unmarried with no kids I wouldn’t think twice about leaving.

What has kept you in it for years? I never thought id stay for 2 years but here I am. Something is keeping us in this situation. Maybe fear?

Regarding the porn issue OP, I know a lot of people watch porn and tbh I didn’t think much about it until our sex life dwindled (funnily enough it started to go downhill when we got decent internet, at your age you’ll always have had decent internet so your partner has grown up being able to watch porn on tap)

The thing is, porn can screw up your brain. Your body and mind learns to respond to certain things/your own touch. Men can get to the stage where they get lazy and would rather watch porn clips and have a quick wank than make the effort with their partner.

With my husband, it was ok until he got to the point where he couldn’t maintain both. I tried to tell him it would ruin our marriage if he didn’t give up porn and try and maintain intimacy in our marriage but he didn’t listen.

I remember a specific conversation when he said “you’ve always known I like porn, you can’t ask me to give it up now”. At that point I began to give up hope, emotional barriers went up, and here we are. I’m emotionally and sexually starved but manage to suppress my feelings and get on with life the best I can, but I often wish I’d thrown the towel in years ago.

That makes sense. Its more complicated when children are involved and you've been together for so long.

Im starting to think it doesn't get better only worse 😕

You have 2 choices, live with an almost sexless marriage or divorce and start again. I'm sure you could find someone who wanted sex with you if that's what you want. I couldn't live with out sex and I wouldn't expect me DH to either.

ive stayed with him because he is a good man. I also didn't want to leave someone because they wanted sex less than me, it felt shallow. We have kids but not together and they're pretty much grown up now. He used to make more effort in terms of affection - which helped with the lack of actual intimacy. That has stopped now though as well. The dog gets more affection and love than I do.
We've had a rough few years with other issues, now I just wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I probably wouldn't find anyone else as my self esteem is through the floor and I feel like if hes not attracted sexually to me then why would anyone else be?

I have exhausted the situation now and don't know how to broach it again. My partner gets defensive and won't even accept I have a valid reason to be upset about it.

How does your partner react when you bring the issue up?

We both don't want children. For him its mainly because of his disorder. Me its more financial reasons. He is the first man ive dated my age that doesn't want children. I feel that may contribute to why im staying. I don't feel pressure to start a family. At the same time, im in a sexless relationship 😞😤

It really does affect and knock ones confidence right! I feel the same, will I find anyone else who wants the same in terms of no children. My partner is a good man also beside not being interested in sex.
When I bring it up he tells me we will get through it. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to a therapist. Hes tried taking vitamins to improve his mood. He does and says enough to keep me quiet. Deep down I could just cry all day and I feel so lost 😞

it doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship full stop.