Sex 3 times a year

[MissVO]

My partner (35) has no interest in being intimate. Its really affecting my self esteem. Ive spoken to him about it and he says he understands and we will get through this but it's been 2 years now. We probably have sex every 4 months when he's in the mood. Ive tried to initiate but get rejected or he can't continue. Ive tried being patient as i know he gets stressed very easily. He also has a personality disorder but is not in therapy or on medication. When I told him it was really affecting me he ended things and then we got back together, things went back to normal for a few months and now its back to no intimacy. Every other part of our relationship is ok but I don't know what else to do. He isn't interested in therapy. I feel like im trying to fix this alone!

What kind of disorder does he have

there is a whopping huge issue here. He has a mental disorder that he won’t address. He has an unusually low sexual drive but he won’t look into it medically.

it’s not just a sex thing. He doesn’t address any of his issues and life throws things up all the time. Also you do not feature as a higher priority than his avoidance.

He says we will get through it. How exactly when he is not willing to see a therapist?. Why is this a “ we” issue at all when it is not?. He is lying both to himself and to you and in addition paying lip service to his problem.

Fear of the unknown or of being alone may be keeping you with him. You need to think about why you are with him at all because frankly you’re selling yourself short.

Unless he properly wants to address his lack of intimacy due to porn then there’s no helping him. You cannot help him and besides which he does not want your help or support.

I completely understand how you feel. From the outside I'm sure we look like the perfect couple but the reality is so much different. I have never talked to anyone IRL about it because Im so embarrassed.

Life feels too complicated now for me to end it because he has no sex drive. If you are in the position to be able to move on then do it. I'm not spring chicken but I'm not 'old' either I thought I'd have a few more years of fun left in me but sadly it seems to not be the case. I'm far too introverted now to even suggest an open relationship - and to be honest I'd feel like a cheat so that's not even an option for me.

I would think twice about boxing yourself further into a corner as you are doing the mighty reds. People end marriages for all sorts of reasons and the fact is you are or certainly seem to be unhappy.

You should not feel embarrassed either because that feeling is totally misplaced. Do you think your man feels embarrassed or even ashamed?. Has he ever told you why a sexual relationship between you is not happening?. Is he yet another man harmed by porn?. At the very least he has serious problems with intimacy.

I actually think you’d be better off on your own because you and he are now basically housemates. This is not a marriage. And do you really want to potentially become his carer when you become elderly yourself?.

So he has BPD. He had therapy when first diagnosed and now he feels he can regulate his emotions himself. He admits he has an avoidant attachment style, he admits he's had many relationship issues in the past. I think im his longest relationship so far

He does have low testosterone and im
completely understanding of that. But it does not seem to bother him either. I suspect porn is an issue here, he was single for many years before we got together and certainly has no interest in intimacy anymore.

I'm pretty sure he isn't embarrassed by it either. He has on occasion acted like he's some kind of sex machine in front of other people which to be honest just gave me the ick. If he does initiate anything it's usually because he has had alcohol, then I find I don't want to have sex with him because I know it is just fuelled by alcohol.

I don't want to de rail the OPs thread with my woes and I certainly have taken on board what you have said.

What are you doing? This won't get better with marraige - only worse.

Mismatched sex drives and medical conditions happen, but they make relationships unsustainable when one person just makes a unilateral decision, rather than working on things together.

If he was doing everything possible to address the issue, that's different.

But he's basically saying by his actions is "we'll have sex only when I want, which isn't ever often and I don't care enough about your feelings and the impact on you to even try to restore a normal sex drive".

So sorry about the difficult situation @MissVO . One thing I would say is that there is no point in rationalising anything with other aspects of the marriage.. Marriage is a combination of so many things, but those many things need to work for it to be a healthy partnership.Intimacy, sex is such a component. If either of you is not getting out of it what they desire, it's disfunctional, and something needs to give. Being a good man is one thing, but you both need to be happy and fulfilled in your partnership... If neither of you cared for sex, that's different, match made in heaven, right? Not in your case, though.
Consider this: You raised how damaging it is for you, your self-esteem, and it did not matter to him enough to try and solve it, for your sake, at least, even if it's not for himself. The disorder he has, which he is also not dealing with is just icing on the cake. Knowing something needs fixing while it is damaging your loved ones, and opting not to do anything with it speaks volumes of who you are as a person, and how important your loved ones are to you. You separated once, that was for a reason, and getting back together was probably a waste of your time, unfortunately. He cares not to be better, not to make it all better for you, the best you can do is take a deep breath and make yourself unstuck from a relationship where your self-esteem is only crumbling, and don't get what you need... Good luck, OP.

Apologies, I presumed that your view was wanting them, though I should have known better as I don't want them either! I think the fact you don't want children makes it easier to walk away from this relationship. Many women feel they have to stay because they won't meet someone else whilst they're still fertile, but you're not up against the clock. There are loads of men who don't want children, and you have plenty of time to find them. I hope you feel happier soon.

Thank you, I think this has opened my eyes a lot speaking to everyone. I think i just thought most men my age want children so that is my fear, not finding that again. Im taking on board everything ive read today. Enough is enough

I have been in your position, and married the man thinking things would improve. They don't. They get worse, much worse. And, it isn't just the sex, it comes with a lot of baggage - rejection, self-esteem issues etc. Stay or leave, just understand that it will not get better and make your decision accordingly.

@MissVO only 24mths and he’s not interested in you. You need to end this. .
He wants you as company and domestic and to tick the relationship box . However I’d also bet it’s porn .
He has made his choices now you have to make yours .

You are in your 30s don’t waste your life .

I needed to hear this. I guess im staying hoping it will improve, hoping he will see a dr and im scared to leave what im used to. To think its only going to get worse isn't something I can cope with. Are you still married to him? Did you ever speak to a therapist?

It's been so long now that I'd say these characters traits are ingrained in him.

If he wanted to fix the situation, he would.

You can't do this on your own - for it to work both parties need to be pulling the cart and pulling in the same direction, which isn't happening. I think you need to come to the acceptance that he just isn't sexually attracted to you, and that what he gets from you and this relationship exceeds any discomfort he has about that. He's probably quite happy to express his sexuality away from you or digitally. Such men are more likely to have an undisclosed fetish, gay, or to have unresolved sexual trauma.

The hardest part of this is come to the acceptance that you'll only have an awkward sexual relationship with him, mostly platonic which will leave you sad and undesired. It doesn't sound like a great foundation to start a family.

Your partner knows there's an issue, he knows you are unhappy with the situation, he refuses to take medication for his personality disorder and refuses to consider therapy. He's not interested in helping himself. He's not really interested in your feelings or unhappiness. You can't fix him. These are all issues, that only he can fix (with professional help).

If you don't want to live in a sexless relationship, then you have your answer to the problem - you need to end the relationship.

We went to marriage counseling many times. And, it made no lasting difference. I am no longer with him. Left five years ago. Like you I thought I wouldn't find anyone (the self-esteem hits rock bottom in these situations so hard to think positive). I met a lovely man and we have a healthy relationship - with kindness, intimacy, affection and sex. I wish I had left ages ago. The red flags (that you are seeing) I saw even before we got married but I ignored them. Please don't get married or get a mortgage and such like thinking things will change.

Hearing this gives me hope. You're right its so difficult to think positively. I know im losing myself as time goes on and just don't feel confident anymore to even try again.

The truth hurts but its what I need to hear. This forum has made me see things a lot clearer 😞

Having a relationship with someone who has BPD can be really challenging in many ways.

Things could get worse, not only with the lack of sex but also general relationship issues. He’s shown himself to be someone who isn’t proactive about seeking professional help. Think about what that means for your future.

What do you expect a doctor to do? They might do a blood test and if he's low in testosterone they may prescribe some but that isn't that likely. He can buy viagra online if that's his issue but men still have to get aroused for them to work.

Well medication can definitely erase your libido. Thread carefully. A friend of my dh has bpd- under medication. Good job in finance, wife young dc. Suddenly decided he was sick of having no libido so stopped medication- went into a manic state- left his wife and kid and job. Took on another name, robbed his parents and the least we heard of him (by his parents who got a PI to try to find him) he was homeless and had been shoplifting in another country (how they found his trace)
Not saying you should stay with him- but he needs his medication or things can go really downhills.

Op you deserve a better life than this it must be insufferable. I think others have suggested this make a new life that YOU can enjoy.

Good luck.

My ex had overlapping BPD and NPD traits. I say this in the kindest possible way, run.

Temp name change as too personal and outing.

It won't change. You can go to Relate sex therapy, or some other place, and things could be wonderful until the therapy ends and then it will all go back just like it was before.

If there isn't enough to make it worth staying together if this isn't fixed, leave now.

There are lots of men who don't want children. Lots and lots of fathers who only agreed to them in the first place because their wife wanted them.

You are worth more.

Interestingly, no one has asked whether the OP is doing enough around the house or called them a sex pest for wanting to have sex with their partner.