Wish DH would get a social life

[Straightwalking]

He expects me to be at home all the time, we have 2kids ages 11 & 7. I work full time. On the odd occasion I need to travel for work (not abroad, just far enough away to warrant an overnight stay so I don’t have to drive up in the am for a team meeting.) So I book a Travel-lodge near our offices - this is about once a month. If that. But I get the ninth degree - where are you staying exactly, what are you going to eat for dinner? Did you get a takeout or did you eat out? What’s the name of the hotel? Are you driving or catching a train? And so on and so on. Coupled with “I thought you’d ring me last night but you didn’t.” Even though I message him throughout the day and into the early evening (I go to bed early after eating.)

And the great irony is when I’m here with him and the kids at home he couldn’t give a shiny shit - he doesn’t attempt to talk, he doesn’t seek out companionship, he just wants me here, at home, serving him and the kids and not having any kind of life outside of that. If I go out of an evening I get it all again. Who’s going? Where are you going? What time and where are you meeting people? Are you going out for a meal or just drinks?

If I come back at 10pm or just a little later I get the whole “well that was a late night for you. Who was there?” Or he just ignores me and gives me clipped responses for the rest of the evening.

He doesn’t go out. Rarely socialises. Might go to the occasional football match in the evening with his father. Sometime (rarely) the pub with some old friends.

I am getting very fed up with him and living under the Spanish Inquisition - he has to know every little detail, and then jokes about it for days afterwards - “oh you’ve had your night away.” Yes, in a Travelodge, for work FFS.

I do wish he’d fucking get a life and sort it out. Together for 20 years, married for 14. I’m 43 and I feel like I’m being smothered

Oh and just to add - it’s not like we don’t go out together - we go out for a meal at least once a month and short breaks throughout the year. Which I arrange and mostly pay for

He wants to control and otherwise monitor your every
move outside the home. Such attempts at controlling you from him is abusive in nature and he wants power and control over you. He resents your job and life outside the home and really wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. Do you earn more than he?. If do he resents that too. He certainly resents taking care of his kids in the evening when you are out working .

your second paragraph is very telling.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.
This is no relationship example to be modelling to your kids because they could well go onto emulate dad’s behaviour in their own adult relationships. This is who he is and he is not going to change. Such men also do very poorly in therapy and he’s unlikely to go see a person like this anyway.

You have a choice re this man and your children
do not. Read why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft because your man is in those pages, I would also consider if this is a marriage you want to remain in.

What does he say when you tell him how you feel about this?

Have you told him to stop it? If so what was his response?

I suggest a few of the following answers - “It was just a work trip but you’re right I do need a proper night off - I’ll organise one with the girls for next weekend”, “Why don’t you tell me now what it was you wanted to talk to me about in the phone - we can sit down for the next hour and just have a really good chat”, etc…. turn the tables on him each time and see if he either stops it or realises he is a hypocrite.

He's clearly paranoid, anxious and thinks something is going on an wanting assurance. A husband asking his wife about her whereabout, who she's with and what she's doing is absolutely normal especially if she's staying out for the night and that goes both ways. I would argue there's a lack of communication from your part in terms of not telling him him exactly where you are staying, in case of an emergency and he can't get a hold of your phone, who you're going to be with. Also I find it odd that you wouldn't even video call once you're settled to speak to him or the children.

Unlike the pp, I'd be very reluctant to tell the controlling fucker anything. What's going to happen when you retire, OP? You'll be stuck with someone who questions your every move or ignored you. Get out before you get too ground down to do so.

I don't think this is anything to do with a lack of social life.
My DH's idea of a fantastic evening is to sit and home and listen to podcasts and watch Netflix. He considers leaving the house to be a chore.

However, him sitting about listening to his podcasts, has no impact on me. I go out when I want; I see who I want. He doesn't much care beyond practicalities such as who is cooking meals, and who is using the car.

Your issue is that your DH is controlling. What have you done to try to change this? Would couples counselling help?

@Error4O4

But he knows exactly where I’m staying - the same bloody Travelodge I always stay in! And it’s not an “night away” as he likes to frame it. It’s for work. And when I’m at home he doesn’t talk to me or show any fucking interest in what I’m doing. Because I’m here, under his watchful gaze. So there’s a very strange mismatch in his behaviour.

I do tell him everything - I don’t have any secrets. His paranoia and controlling interrogations is exactly what’s making me fed up. I have challenged him on it but he just gets defensive and says - “do what you want mate.”

And then sulks for ever. It’s very childish and claustrophobic. I feel a bit anxious about doing anything now outside of the house, or without him - he has made it very clear he doesn’t like it. But am I to live under this oppressive behaviour forever? He’s a good dad and generally, we do get on fine. But I need some freedom just to live

You said it, he's paranoid and clearly have some insecurities that he just will not admit. That all stems from the lack of conversations, fun, laughter and strength in the relationship so he knows you're not overly happy and might be seeing someone else. I personally think there is just too much resentment and you need to work it out. Neither of you thinks you are doing anything wrong but you need to lay it all out. If he's asking you the same questions over and over he clearly thinks you're lying and he's trying to catch you out.

“He’s a good dad and we do get on fine” providing I don’t go anywhere or do anything. If I do, I get grilled or punished.

hes not a good dad or partner, sorry.

He sounds controlling and coercive.

Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

I think you have 3 choices

1. Carry on as you are with your wings clipped.

2 Stop caring what he says or does. Have more trips, tell him less about them and don’t engage with his criticism. Live the life you want. Likely to damage your kids the most. 3 separate and live the life you want without the negativity dragging you back

Some excellent thoughts already. Your “wings clipped” comment @MJagain is exactly how I feel. I just don’t know what is normal behaviour any more - what about other women on here? Would your husbands be like this if you went out or had to work away occasionally? I do wonder if men get like this as time goes on? They tend to rely more and more on the woman for literally everything, including a social life/social stimulation.

I honestly don’t know why he wouldn’t trust me @Error4O4. I’ve never done anything that would give him cause for suspicion. We do make time for each other and have meals out, even go away occasionally for long weekends. Am I just a victim of his deep-rooted insecurities? The problem is, the more he does it the more I resent him. It’s actually driving me away, because I’m an adult and I don’t want to live under constant scrutiny.

I may just stop caring what he says and does @MJagain. Let him sulk and be suspicious if that’s how he wants to be. It’s just hard to live with

This isn’t about his lack of a social life. It’s about him being controlling and paranoid and unpleasant. He would be just as controlling and paranoid and unpleasant if he went out all the time.

As for whether this is normal - no, it isn’t. There are plenty of women whose husbands behave like this, but that just means their husbands are controlling too; it doesn’t make it remotely OK. It’s coercive control and abusive behaviour.

This. He isn’t a good dad if he treats his children’s mother like this and you do not ‘get on fine’ if he interrogates you and sulks if you dare to go out alone. He’s a total arsehole.

@BauhausOfEliott

Yes you may be right 😞

I need to read up on coercive control

This is absolutely controlling and manipulative behaviour and yes, you can and should stop caring or buying into it but.... I warn you... the behaviour will escalate and it can actually be quite dangerous for a woman. Emotionally and mentally, definitely, but even worse sometimes.

As his control starts to slip, he will ramp it up and get more aggressive and paranoid and negative towards you. He will also most likely start using the children as tools in his game and to punish you for any perceived wrong doing on your side.

I am afraid once you see it, and you start to push back, it only gets worse and the relationship is probably doomed.

I told my DH I'm going to pop over to a friend this afternoon. Decided ab hour ago. Ok was the response. There'll be a query about timing later but only so we can figure out dinner. He'll ask if I had a nice time and how was my friend when I get home. That's normal.

No, most men don’t get like this at all.
It’s abusive behaviour.

I travel internationally for work so can be away for a week or ten days at a time. DH encourages me go and make the most of the trip while I’m there.

You’re right. You’re an adult and should be treated like one.

This is not ok.
He knows where she is.
He knows what she is doing.
She is not required to ‘check in’ by video call.
Its suffocating and controlling and we should NOT be normalising this behaviour.

Abuse and control are not communication issues. He treats her badly because this is what he likes to do. There is no chance that talking it out makes it better.

I travel for work several times a year, sometimes for a week at a time if I’m travelling to an archive. The only interest DH takes in it is when we need to check he can be at home while I’m gone, as he also travels — certainly no Spanish Inquisition while I’m away.

I don’t think your DH’s social life is the problem.