Wish DH would get a social life

[Straightwalking]

He expects me to be at home all the time, we have 2kids ages 11 & 7. I work full time. On the odd occasion I need to travel for work (not abroad, just far enough away to warrant an overnight stay so I don’t have to drive up in the am for a team meeting.) So I book a Travel-lodge near our offices - this is about once a month. If that. But I get the ninth degree - where are you staying exactly, what are you going to eat for dinner? Did you get a takeout or did you eat out? What’s the name of the hotel? Are you driving or catching a train? And so on and so on. Coupled with “I thought you’d ring me last night but you didn’t.” Even though I message him throughout the day and into the early evening (I go to bed early after eating.)

And the great irony is when I’m here with him and the kids at home he couldn’t give a shiny shit - he doesn’t attempt to talk, he doesn’t seek out companionship, he just wants me here, at home, serving him and the kids and not having any kind of life outside of that. If I go out of an evening I get it all again. Who’s going? Where are you going? What time and where are you meeting people? Are you going out for a meal or just drinks?

If I come back at 10pm or just a little later I get the whole “well that was a late night for you. Who was there?” Or he just ignores me and gives me clipped responses for the rest of the evening.

He doesn’t go out. Rarely socialises. Might go to the occasional football match in the evening with his father. Sometime (rarely) the pub with some old friends.

I am getting very fed up with him and living under the Spanish Inquisition - he has to know every little detail, and then jokes about it for days afterwards - “oh you’ve had your night away.” Yes, in a Travelodge, for work FFS.

I do wish he’d fucking get a life and sort it out. Together for 20 years, married for 14. I’m 43 and I feel like I’m being smothered

If a marriage can be 'ruined' by one evening of no phone call then I think you've got bigger problems pal.

I would find it really unattractive that he doesn’t go anywhere or do anything himself. Wouldn’t you prefer to be with someone who had interests, friends and hobbies.
Shake things up. Start classes and hobby groups, gym, whatever. Get out the house more and more so you don’t reduce your potential to whatever boring way of life he expects you to have. He already doesn’t trust you so you might as well jump in to living.

Oh dear, why even be with him at all?!

I wouldn't say it's in the realms of coercive control.

I think he's jealous that you get out and aren't stuck at home with him when you're not working.

The sulky behaviour isn't good from him though. He's trying to make you feel bad for socialising. If he waved be dull and boring he can be, but I wouldn't appreciate the Spanish inquisition. He sounds insecure.

I stay away from home a couple of times a month for work. We have DC 2 and 4 so it makes my partner’s life harder when I’m not there (although he is a SAHD at the moment). He never quizzes me, never makes snide comments he might joke about a ‘big night out’ if I meet friends but that’s because we have no social life since having kids and hrs genuinely joking. I keep in touch when I’m away but there’s no expectation of a call in the evening (although sometimes we speak). So no, in my experience this isn’t normal behaviour.

He is making sure he doesn’t lose his free domestic servant. You need to be liberated.

He wants you to feel anxious about going out, then you won't go, then you'll stay at home and have no freedom, Job Done for him. You can't live your life like this, you need a life of your own as well as a family life, please don't stop going out just to keep him sweet. He needs to get a social life instead of stopping you having one,

You should have a hard think about what he is bringing to the relationship. It sounds to me that you would be a lot happier living apart.

Been with my dh the same amount of time and similar age too. I’d absolutely hate this! We coordinate our social lives because of childcare and of course will roughly tell each other what the plans are, but nothing beyond ‘I’m going out for dinner with so and so’ type thing. If we elaborate further it’s out of genuine interest and not due to insecurity or suspicion.

your dh sounds controlling and insecure. As your children get older won’t you want to increase your social life? I know myself and most of my friends do! How will he cope then?

I’m not sure what the answer is, but I’d not be putting up with it!

Hes abusing you.

LTB

This is not normal at all. For me the telling bit is that he ignores you when you are at home. So basically you are just a servant.

um I would look at splitting up, but I would probably do a lot of investigating before saying anything to him. He thinks you are a possession, he won’t want you to leave. It might be dangerous for you.

does he buy you nice presents for Christmas and birthdays? Put as much effort into your bd as you do to his ?

I travel lots for work. For the next couple of months I'm away almost every week for 2/3 nights every week.
I have teenagers so don't need to worry about childcare. DH is medically retired with no social life.
He doesn't worry about where I am as i tell him. I keep him updated and call every night as I'm usually send to premier inn in industrial estates so not always that safe and uk trains are usually delayed.
But he's not controlling, asks if I've had a good time, what I ate as meals get very samey in premier inn.
I usually come home to a clean house and a cooked meal if I actually get home when I plan ( not very often- thanks trains)
Yours sounds like an arsenal.

No it's not normal. My dh would ask me where I'm going and what I did, because he's interested in me, not because he wants to control me.

He’s a good dad and generally, we do get on fine

Is this all we expect from relationships after a few years?

To be honest you sound like you're bored of him anyway - not a criticism, sounds quite understandable - and yes, he is controlling. Maybe you go nuclear, he gets the message and stops. Or he won't change. How far are you prepared to let his behaviour go? What do you expect and hope for from your life for the next few decades? If he realises how little respect you have left for him, would he actually make more effort in the relationship?

This is not a LTB, he's abusive situation. But it is a case of women are no longer forced to stay in unhappy marriages because society makes the alternative too unpleasant and women can't afford to go solo when actually you might discover a whole new world of happiness without someone dragging you down.

I separated from my DH a year ago. I can relate to so much of what you’re saying! I worked for his business. I only socialised with him. He had to know every detail of my life. My social circle became smaller and smaller and I just had enough. The last year has been so incredibly different! Having the space to make new acquaintances and friends. Having autonomy in my own life! He’d like us to reconcile 🤣

I don’t think it’s strange to go the odd day without a video call.

When my husband is away for work we have the odd quick call but not everyday. I don’t ask what hotel he’s staying at (although he might mention it). We have more to talk about when he gets back if he’s not updating his every move! He does tend to WhatsApp me during the day (riveting stuff like a picture of his lunch if he’s abroad and it’s something nice!) If there was a terrible emergency I’d contact one of his colleagues.

I think it sounds like OP’s husband is either suffering from depression or anxiety, or worse, has a nasty controlling streak.

OP, would your husband “allow” you to go on a night away with friends or for a hobby?