Wish DH would get a social life

[Straightwalking]

He expects me to be at home all the time, we have 2kids ages 11 & 7. I work full time. On the odd occasion I need to travel for work (not abroad, just far enough away to warrant an overnight stay so I don’t have to drive up in the am for a team meeting.) So I book a Travel-lodge near our offices - this is about once a month. If that. But I get the ninth degree - where are you staying exactly, what are you going to eat for dinner? Did you get a takeout or did you eat out? What’s the name of the hotel? Are you driving or catching a train? And so on and so on. Coupled with “I thought you’d ring me last night but you didn’t.” Even though I message him throughout the day and into the early evening (I go to bed early after eating.)

And the great irony is when I’m here with him and the kids at home he couldn’t give a shiny shit - he doesn’t attempt to talk, he doesn’t seek out companionship, he just wants me here, at home, serving him and the kids and not having any kind of life outside of that. If I go out of an evening I get it all again. Who’s going? Where are you going? What time and where are you meeting people? Are you going out for a meal or just drinks?

If I come back at 10pm or just a little later I get the whole “well that was a late night for you. Who was there?” Or he just ignores me and gives me clipped responses for the rest of the evening.

He doesn’t go out. Rarely socialises. Might go to the occasional football match in the evening with his father. Sometime (rarely) the pub with some old friends.

I am getting very fed up with him and living under the Spanish Inquisition - he has to know every little detail, and then jokes about it for days afterwards - “oh you’ve had your night away.” Yes, in a Travelodge, for work FFS.

I do wish he’d fucking get a life and sort it out. Together for 20 years, married for 14. I’m 43 and I feel like I’m being smothered

Has he always been like this or has it recently got worse. What would he do if you told him you were going out every Thursday with your colleagues, if he makes you feel shit about it he's controlling, a normal DH would tell you to enjoy yourself.

Another vote for Lundy Bancroft

https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

My ex husband was exactly like this and it gradually drove me away from him unfortunately.

I started doing more and more things with friends away from the house and eventually realised he absolutely added nothing to my life so once the kids were a decent age I requested a separation and we have also now divorced.

I felt this unbelievable lifting of my spirits. I've bought him out of the house and it's my house now and I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want whatever time I want.

I have also incidentally met a really nice new guy via internet dating and he's not like this at all so it's definitely him problem not a you problem.

No, this isn’t normal. If I’m travelling for work, DH just sorts everything at home and usually makes sure dinner is ready for when I finally get home, because work travel is always rubbish!
And if I’m going away or out with friends? He might ask where I’m staying and he’ll ask if I had a nice time, or if I need picking up, but that’s it. And I’m the same when he’s out or away.
Your DH is being massively controlling and it’s unacceptable.

OMG you need to sort this now because come menopause you’ll be gone. This is utterly intolerable.

I just say I’m going to Paris next week. Not sure how long for. Or London. Come if you want. But DH knows that I’ve got itchy feet. I might ring. Mostly I don’t. I just pack and leave - he is an adult and we only have 1 kid left at home. Never have I ever prepared anything for him/them.

Definitely not normal husband behaviour. Mine isn’t like this and is happy for me to go out, etc. I

Calling your husband and children when you're away is not ok ? Ok lady! Anything just to ruin a marriage and family.

I could get hit by a car when out for the afternoon and DH wouldn't even be slightly concerned if I was out all afternoon and late back. He wouldn't panic wondering where I was or quiz on return.

Usually playing games on his phone. Which isn't much better than your situation OP!

Of course it’s okay but it’s not always possible. And that’s okay too.
It doesn’t mean you’re hiding anything.

Yes, it can be walked into without being aware of it. I’ve had friends who’ve been ‘love bombed,’ before the coercive and controlling behaviour started, which led them to question their own judgement- this is part of the pattern of behaviour.

It’s a shame you’re unable to recognise unhealthy and controlling patterns of behaviour. Have a read of the Lindy Bancroft pdf, it’s very enlightening.

To be quite honest though, why on earth should I video call him for one occasional night away on work business? When he doesn’t pay this level of attention to me if I’m home? What’s that all about? Just because I’m not under his gaze he gets all paranoid and controlling. It’s fucking ridiculous and I feel totally smothered

I am fed up justifying my whereabouts. I’m only 43. I’m allowed to have a life and a professional existence without having to report my every movement to the self-appointed head of MI5. I’m really sick of it

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He us not a good dad not a good h to you if you are being controlled.

Abusr is about power and control. It is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of. He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. He really does think you’re up to no good with men when you are away in a travelogue.

His controlling behaviour towards you is abusive and thereforeyour relationship to him is really now over. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. And in addition he sulks and that is an example of emotional abuse.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no model of a marriage that they should emulate as adults.

Abuse thrives on secrecy. Time to bust this wide open and start telling your family and friends what life is like at home. Seek additional support from Women’s aid and seek legal advice re divorce. Knowledge is power.

I totally agree with your last paragraph. You do not want to get to 44 and be with him however. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong here. Look at his parents op, this is likely to be learnt behaviour from one of them.

Have you said any of this to him?

OP my partner doesn't have a social life - he's an introvert, content at home, he will join me for occasions that he knows are important to me and he does make the effort though I can see him starting to wane towards the end of the night. For that reason I accept that if I want to be social I need to do my own thing.
The difference is he never interrogates me, he shows a polite interest in what I'm doing and if I ask him if I should spend more time at home he's happy to but equally he actively encourages me to do things I enjoy as he knows that staying at home is 'his thing' but not necessarily mine. I make sure that we're equal on the split of household tasks so I'm not just leaving him to the grind, and I don't take the mick with my spending, but that's all.
What your partner is doing is controlling and it sounds like he wants your world to be small and centred on him. You don't have to live like that.

OP said she calls and texts. She doesn’t also need to video call to prove where she is.

Hi @Straightwalking .. Frustrating situation, sorry about that. However, your title I think has very little to do with the actual problem. Right now, you have a "controlling DH with trust issues and no social life". Even of you change the social life aspect you'd still have a "controlling DH with trust issues", so the frustrating elements you'd still get plenty of. Have you ever talked about him, ask him what he feels so insecure about, or why he doesn't trust you? Because this whole speil reeks of trust issues. Did you two have issues with infidelity in the past or was he burned by a cheating ex? Just trying to see sense in his behaviour.. I would not be happy with this if I were you, not going to lie, an unearned lack of trust is very disrespectful.. and usually is about him than you...

This is him attempting to coercively control you. The disinterest in you when you are home is very telling. Do you feel able to tell him that you are feeling unhappy in the marriage?

I'd ignore him when he gets like this. Let him pout. It's very childish. He really does need to get a life of his own. It would be different if he was making conversation but that is not what is happening here.

Given everything, the next time he does it, I'd clearly point out his attention to make him aware of it (again, if needed) and then, from then on, don't feed into it. State your point once and that's it.

Remember, this is his problem, not yours. And it's not your problem to fix, either. You deserve to have a life, and it's his problem if he doesn't have one of his own.

He sounds exhausting.

What a miserable sod, I bet you would be happier without him.

This is your self esteem talking. It’s right. You are right.

Why would me not ‘video calling’ my husband break up my marriage?
I mean I could (if I wanted to) but I shouldn’t be compelled too!

‘ok lady’ makes you sound male. If ‘ruining my marriage’ is so easily done by not ‘video calling’ one would suggest it’s on Rocky ground anyway.

Would your husbands be like this if you went out or had to work away occasionally? Nope. I work away 4-5 nights a month and DH has never once questioned it/sulked/ever made a comment. And I go on holiday either alone or with friends occasionally and he's nothing but pleased for me. Your husband is being weird and controlling.