How to stop the hurt and protect your peace without going NC?

[Honeysucklelane]

I’ve been feeling very hurt, upset and angry this week over something thoughtless my DM and DSIS did. It isn’t the first time, there’s years of incidents where they’ve done things that have been hurtful.

The gist of it is that DSIS is clearly the favourite child, and DM spends a lot of time helping her and staying with her. All 20 minutes away from me, but she’ll go there and they’ll go out etc and not include me.

They are my only family - aside from DH, DCs a distant aunt and my ILs.

I don’t want to fall out with them or go NC over it, but I would love tips on how to feel less hurt and protect my peace - if that’s even possible?

And yes, I have tried several times to voice how I feel, but I’m seen as being unreasonable if I do.

It’s a horrible place to be in. I found chat GTP really useful when I couldn’t afford counselling. I put in my rants and it comes back with answers about what might be going on and how to deal with it. Eventually, unfortunately, you do have to get to a place where (if you’ve voiced your concerns and been told you’re unreasonable) that you have to accept this is how they are (not that it’s okay) and focus on yourself instead. I suspect there might be some complex family dynamics here that have been there since childhood? Can I hazard a guess that you’re the eldest daughter?

Thank you. That’s a great idea. I was saying to DH earlier that I don’t want to be feeling hurt and angry. I can’t help how I feel though, I just need ways of dealing with it better.

Mondays thing affected my whole week on and off, and just as I was getting past it I got messages from my DM today saying what a lovely time they’d had together over the past five days.

They aren’t going to change, their personalities are very different from mine, both harsher and less empathetic. I’m the youngest, eldest is the favourite and middle DSIS is completely sidelined - myself and older DSIS haven’t spoken to her for years due to a big falling out.

The biggest issue in our family dynamics is the way my DM treats us all.

All you can do going forward is withdraw from
thrm all. With you out of the frame hopefully they will then further turn against each other. The fallout from this dynamic that our mother created has already happened.

Why would you want to remain in contact with people like this?. If other family members you mention are nice and importable emotionally healthy then continue relations with them. You need radiators in your life, not drains upon you.

Would you tolerate this from a friend, unlikely so you do not have to further tolerate this from family members. You have two qualities they lack - empathy and insight.

Where is your dad - I ask only as he is not mentioned.

People from dysfunctional families like you describe end up playing roles and yours appears to be that of the scapegoat. As a result your Dh and dc are scapegoated too. Your sibling and her child too are the far more favoured golden children but that is a role not without price either. They are unaware of that.

Do look at the current Well we took you to Stately homes thread on these Relationships pages as you will get replies there too. It is ok to feel both angry and hurt because you are and your mother and siblings have let you down abjectly. People who come from such families often feel like this . Deal with any feelings you have of FOG (fear obligation and guilt) through therapy. BACP are good but interview each therapist carefully and at length before choosing any particular
one.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

You need to find a way of accepting the situation, so that you don't get hurt by their closeness.

Readjust your expectations so that you can just shrug when you hear they've been off doing things together without you.

Start trying to arrange low- key get-togethers with them individually, work on trying to being relationships with them individually as human beings rather than family roles ( with the cultural expectations that can bring).

Start treating them like friends rather than family - you might find you actually become friends.

But, I'm sorry to say, they don't seem to like your company enough to solicit it, so please lower your expectations and be prepared to let it slide into a Christmas-birthdays-Mothers Day relationship.

Agree with therapy, but it can be expensive. In the meantime, protect yourself by drawing clear boundaries - how much time do you actually want to spend with your DM as she is? (Not with the sort of mum you hope she will be, or how much time you feel you should spend).

This can include times, places, who else with, phonecalls, texts etc. Be really honest with yourself about WHY you want to spend time with this person, and how much of your peace you are willing to give away.

Stop asking or expecting more than she gives. Reply neutrally to messages and only the number of times you have decided to. You're right, they aren't going to change, and it's a waste of your energy to keep inviting this into your life and then getting hurt when she does what she has always done.

Don't keep touching nettles and being upset when you get stung.

Sounds like your "D"M gets a kick out of rubbing it in that you're being excluded?

She indeed does because she has assigned the op to be the family scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Such roles are interchangeable and that happens too within such families. I would not bother with them
gping forward because they are truly not worth bothering about.

Sadly I would leave them to it and your sister to deal with your Mum alone in her twilight years.

I agree, I think this is mainly grey rock time. Your mum tries to get a reaction out of you by going on about the nice time she's had with you sister? You just reply "that's nice." She keeps pushing, you go "Glad you had a good time." Give her nothing to latch on to to make you look unreasonable but also don't open up to further conversation.

I get that it definitely hurts when they do this. But if you refocus yourself elsewhere and expect exactly zero from them, over time it should hurt less.

I get together with them separately and we go to visit DM together. When my DM is over at DSIS’s, I’m left out even though I live nearby and could join them for lunch / dinner / shopping etc.

This! Use thumbs up liberally.

Seems to me that maybe the eldest is golden child, middle child used to be the scapegoat, and now they've gone, it has become you.

Is the relationship between yourself and your sidelined middle DSIS mendable?

Their personalities are similar. Both a bit unemotional and harsh. If they’re busy off having a great time together, they don’t care or having any empathy that myself and other DSIS are hurt by this.

I’m in a similar situation, DSIS, BIL and their child are the favourites. My sons of similar age don’t get asked about. A fall out a while ago has basically resulted in me no longer trying, I’ll reply to a message (which would be rare in itself) but offer no information until asked. My sons get a visit for Christmas and birthdays only, they get gifts that are not age appropriate, DM has no idea about their interests, activities, school….she makes no effort but then boasts she’s involved to others. I don’t feel bad for the low contact, it self preservation now. I can’t make her be involved but I wouldn’t stop her if she wanted to be. My youngest doesn’t really know who she is or what her role is now.

Unfortunately not. I’ve thought about reaching out to her as she knows how I feel, but we’ve had a difficult relationship from the beginning as she was very jealous of me. She also exacerbated the situation constantly calling all pent up and complaining to me that DM was at our DSIS yet again but didn’t visit her.

So she was the scapegoat in the family then. Did she ever say why she was jealous of you?

I’m sorry to hear this. We naturally want to feel acknowledged, accepted and loved by our parents. I would be heartbroken if my DCs ever felt I preferred one of them over another.

Ironically one of my DCs is the favourite GC and DM cannot stand my DSIS’s DC. She’s horrible about him.

She was the youngest for years till I came along. Her jealousy probably stems from being treated differently. She is also
totally different from the rest of us in terms of ‘culture’ and interests.

It’s just all so sad isn’t it and I can’t even begin to understand it. I will say since I don’t go out of my way to keep trying life is so much more peaceful! The only way I can make peace with the situation is to ensure I will never do this myself and I will be a very involved grandmother when hopefully the time comes. It has shown me how not to be.

Try to keep your distance from them both.
Easier said than done. I know.

You just have to accept it and be clear on boundaries. If they do something hurtful pull back a little. They will come to you. If they are your only family going NC is a really bad option. I see so many people going NC with anyone who does anything to hurt them and these people become very lonely. Fair enough with someone you barely know but with family it's different. People we love hurt us and disappoint us and we can't change who they are only whether the overall balance of the relationship is worth it. Hopefully you still get some great things out of your relationship with them both?

Absolutely this, they sound emotionally immature. Reminds me of being in first year at uni, and our flat on halls had 7 boys, 3 girls. 1 of the girls was always pulling shit like this… “oh am sooo sorry me and Ali went to the union before you got back, really hope you’re not upset or feel left out!! Are you? Are you? It was soo fun! You should have come… really hope you’re not upset at being left out”
it would enrage her that I wasn’t jealous or interested in begging to be included! We were 18 though!

Usually when they’ve spent time together they’ll get on the phone to me and complain about each other, which is also very hard to deal with.

This week it’s been messages about how amazing (local to me) lunch was I didn’t get an invite too, and how lovely their stay away in a cottage was.

I don’t mind them doing stuff without me, but I didn’t even know they were getting together till Sunday and thought the trip was just one night. They arranged it all very quietly.

Geeez… they sounded like immature bitches who were leaving you out on purpose then talking to you about it as if you should have been there or even had the chance to go.