How to stop the hurt and protect your peace without going NC?

[Honeysucklelane]

I’ve been feeling very hurt, upset and angry this week over something thoughtless my DM and DSIS did. It isn’t the first time, there’s years of incidents where they’ve done things that have been hurtful.

The gist of it is that DSIS is clearly the favourite child, and DM spends a lot of time helping her and staying with her. All 20 minutes away from me, but she’ll go there and they’ll go out etc and not include me.

They are my only family - aside from DH, DCs a distant aunt and my ILs.

I don’t want to fall out with them or go NC over it, but I would love tips on how to feel less hurt and protect my peace - if that’s even possible?

And yes, I have tried several times to voice how I feel, but I’m seen as being unreasonable if I do.

He died several years ago, I do feel things would be better if he was still alive. Although maybe I’d have just spent my adulthood watching both my DPs doting on my DSIS.

Find things to do with your own dc and dh. And be glad you've missed out on spending time with not very nice people... Throw back at them the fun you had with people who DO love and care about you.

God, they sound insufferable.

You're clearly someone they use one way or another. You're not going to change them, you can only change how you respond.

So they're complaining to you about each other? Grey rock again. "This is something you need to talk to Mum/Sis about." "Like I said, this isn't one for me." "Right, like I said, you should talk to her about this."

Or just avoid answering the phone to them? Let them leave a message then you can decide how/when to respond. And if they start down this road when you're talking, make up an excuse/emergency.

Your whole family sounds completely dysfunctional, but you’re included in that, surely?
You’ve done to your middle sister what you’re complaining the elder one and your Mum is doing to you?

That’s my plan. I went away with them
last year for a few days and it was very trying. DM made remarks about my weight, DSIS was on her phone constantly, but if I picked up mine DM gave me a bollocking. DSIS was sulky any time we weren’t doing what she wanted - my DM even complained about that to me afterwards. So prehaps I should be grateful I wasn’t involved in their get together this week. 🤔

True, that was a result of MDSIS saying some dreadful things about me to EDSIS which we both fell out with her about. It’s all rather dysfunctional.

Can you hear how you are sidelining her the way you hate being sidelined yourself?

I'd be inclined to contact her and discuss how painful you both find it to be told what a great time your mother and sister are having. You could decide to have a great time together yourselves. She may not be ready to work through how tough it is, and you don't want to become her sounding board, but as time goes in, she might become more willing to acknowledge that both of you feel pushed out and you can create a loving family connection together.

But I think, to get past it, because it is so painful, you need to minimise contact. Can you stop notifications on WhatsApp or other SM and only check it once a week? Can you teach yourself some grey rock and get out phrases if they call and go on about their amazing fun: 'How lovely. Sorry, got to say bye now, I'm on my way out' or 'Sounds fun. Got to go, someone at the door.' Control the length of time on any phone calls. Create a mask of cheerful neutrality about what they do together.

Be aware your mum is also manipulating your sister by preferring your child. You can bet while they are having such fun, she is commenting on how adorable your son is, and making digs about or ignoring her other grandchild. And that will be causing pain to the 'favourite' daughter.

I didn't have your situation but I did need to back away from my parents. I just kept things basic and civil but stopped trying to please them and stopped being treated like a skivvy and emotional slop-bucket. It felt great, and it was empowering to stay pleasant so they couldn't actually blame me. It might help you to do something similar.

You can also gamify it. I used to play emotional bingo. If my dad didn't like something I'd said, he'd sulk for months. It used to make me feel sick for weeks on end. Then I started playing sulk bingo and putting an estimate on how many weeks silent treatment my perceived wrong doing would earn me. I started enjoying the peaceful time when I knew he'd not be in touch.

I am guilty of listening, and whilst not exactly joining in - as I usually stick up for DSIS when DM calls to critique her after a visit - I allow it.

I’ve realised this week how toxic that is and how women can get in a habit of bitching about each lyher. DM will go and spend days tidying DSIS’s home (there’s no reason she requires that help) then moan to me about the chaos and state of it.

@Tonissister sulk bingo 😂 it’s absolutely shit that you have to do that but it’s excellent you can now see it for what it is.

Why does this bother you, OP? Being "family" is irrelevant. You just don't get on with them.... so what? Simply concentrate on your own friends, and enjoy your life.

We haven’t spoken in 10 years. It feels disingenuous to attempt contact with her now just because I’m feeling the same hurt she has felt for years.

Although we don’t speak, I empathise about her situation, and how awful it must be for her when the 3 of us have done stuff together, whereas my other DSIS has zero empathy towards her and couldn’t care less.

It sounds like you’re finally waking up
to the reality of it. Be prepared for when you pull back and stop playing that ‘role’ as that’s when it can get difficult in a different way. The whole dysfunctional system falls apart.

I do get along with them separately and together. I get on better with DSIS than DM. The pair of them as a unit when DM visits DSIS are just so self absorbed and leave me out / don’t invite me along to things, even though I live nearby. (DM doesn’t live near us)

You’re right, I’ve enabled that behaviour to continue by allowing it through listening. In some weird way it’s been a ‘comfort’ to me, as although they’ve spent a lot of time together and done lovely things, ultimately they then both complain about things each other has said / done afterwards. So it’s not all rosey and fun for them. However, it does also upset me, because my DM chooses DSIS over me to spend time with, but then all she does is bitch about her lifestyle.

@Honeysucklelane having read this, in the context of the really rather poisoning dynamics between the female adults in the family, I think you quietly need to start slipping away.

Being favourite of his grandma is not going to do him any good at all. Look how much pain your mother's behaviour has caused your estranges sister and you. Favourite children can end up unempathetic and with difficult relationships with the rest of the family. Not necessarily their fault either but it's destructive.

I assume he is an only atm? Because if not the friction won't just be with his cousins but also with his siblings, and that's seriously destructive.

It might be wise to grey rock both your mum and sister, and to simply be elusive. Less available. Slower to answer calls, busier irl.

My other children constantly joke about it, one of them even messaged my DM to try and get to be the ‘favourite.’ Their other GPs are extremely doting and they have a stronger relationship with them.

I think my kids are more resilient than me - or at least I hope they are. They don’t appear to be hurt their sibling is the golden GC.

I just cannot wrap my head around these poisonous mothers.
My 2 boys hated each other when they were younger and it worried me greatly how they would be towards each other as adults.
They're adults now and it makes my heart sing to hear them having conversations/laughing with each other during meet ups.
Why would any mother not want their dc to love each other and support them?
Op, I am not going to put the darling in front of your mother because she is anything but.
I would definately withdraw from her.
Look after yourself and your own family x

@Honeysucklelane they may laugh and joke about it but don't underestimate the effect of favouritism on children. The fact that one messaged your mother to become favourite is a sign of competitiveness and a sense that one is more valuable than the others, unless the child really was just doing a pisstake series of texts.

Seriously, it can be damaging, even at one generation remove. It's hurting you enough, and your children are younger. It could also really mess up their relations with their cousins, who already have an unempathetic and sometimes harsh mother.

If you don't want to quietly take some distance from your mother then honestly I would say to them that much as everyone loves Grandma, this is a blind spot of hers and it's not the way that she should be doing things. Acknowledging openly what's going on can help them handle it.

I have talked to them about how she should treat them all equally and how terrible it is that she very openly cannot stand one of my DSIS’s DCs. She should not be voicing her dislikes of that grandchild in front of my DCs.

Shes lucky myself and my DCs have the maturity not to repeat her comments to my DSIS because my DSIS would be extremely hurt and it could ruin their relationship. However, if the situation was reversed, I bet my DSIS would tell me what she’s said.

My DC was definitely taking the piss siddleling up to her with texts.

It sounds like you're handling that as well as can possibly be, then. Your mother's skin is thick as rhino hide isn't it?

Your sister sounds an absolute peach though :o

They are my only family. I am sad because I’m mostly grieving the kind of relationship I should have with a DM.

They are both ‘rhino hide’ people. I would love to have a thicker skin and be able to brush things off - but absolutely not if it came at the expense of also being a thoughtless ass!

But she probably thinks you have no empathy, if you have never reached out. It's not too late to say she has been on your mind recently and you want her to know that you are aware how painful it must have been to have been excluded from family meet ups. And that if she ever fancies a chat or a coffee together, you would love a closer relationship with her.

And if you wouldn't... then I can't really see how you can judge your mum and sister for behaviour you share with them.

But you say you are happy to brush off and discard your other sister, and not make attempts to connect with her. Can you see how in her eyes, that might make you rhino-hided too? It can't be one rule for you and another for everyone else. You are coming across as being perfectly happy to exclude family members and parade fun meet ups that might hurt your sister, as long as you are not the one who is excluded. That's a bit odd.

It’s too long to explain the history on here, but it’s completely different. She has always been very bitter / jealous of me and DSIS, (which may well be down to DM) she used to be vile to me when I was little and also to DSIS.

She said some terrible things about me which caused a final falling out. I feel very sorry for her because our DM does not treat us equally, and she is the ‘least favourite.’ I know how hurtful that is.

She hasn’t reached out to me once or apologised for what she said. I have thought about contacting her, but feel it would just bring more issues.