How to stop the hurt and protect your peace without going NC?

[Honeysucklelane]

I’ve been feeling very hurt, upset and angry this week over something thoughtless my DM and DSIS did. It isn’t the first time, there’s years of incidents where they’ve done things that have been hurtful.

The gist of it is that DSIS is clearly the favourite child, and DM spends a lot of time helping her and staying with her. All 20 minutes away from me, but she’ll go there and they’ll go out etc and not include me.

They are my only family - aside from DH, DCs a distant aunt and my ILs.

I don’t want to fall out with them or go NC over it, but I would love tips on how to feel less hurt and protect my peace - if that’s even possible?

And yes, I have tried several times to voice how I feel, but I’m seen as being unreasonable if I do.

Ah, I'd read the non lunch invite thread and guessed this was you. OK, stop answering the phone to either of them anymore. At all. You'll think you can't, but you can. There's no human right that entitles them to make whiny phone calls to you. Let it go to voice mail every time, and then lob a message back at intervals saying 'sorry, snowed under, and work have new anti phone policy now' or 'sorry, so tired, and trying to use my phone less'. This cuts off their satisfaction in being able to moan at you about one another which no doubt keeps them in harmony when they're actually together. It also takes you out of that place where you feel better but then worse again.

All your mum's messages: passive aggressive 👍 or bland grey rock one liner. If she won't give you her quality time or attention, she doesn't get it either.

I would personally send your middle sister a card saying you get it now, you're sorry, and if she ever wants to chat that would be lovely, but it's totally up to her and you understand if she's just moved on with life. Make sure she has your contact details. Then leave it completely - no pressure.

As we don’t speak to her, she wouldn’t hear about us meeting up unless my DM tells her all about it - they still speak. She also lives nowhere near us.

I’m excluded from a situation where I am speaking to both parties, they are doing things together in my local area, and they’re telling me how great it was afterwards - or calling me up to bitch about each other.

I do wonder why people don't read the thread. You explained upthread why you didn't have contact with your estranged sister.

Yes! Was looking for tips on how to get past these situations and not be so hurt. I was feeling better till I got a jolly message from DM saying what a great time they’ve had staying in a lovely place. She hasn’t rung yet, which will be when the criticisms of DSIS come, but I’m not going to act as the complaints sounding board anymore!

The other DSIS situation is far too complex and too far gone to reconcile. We always had a fractious relationship and she was nasty to me during my childhood. I have understood how she’s felt for a long time now and sympathise with her. I’ve stood up for her to DM in the past, even though we don’t speak.

It is a lot to keep up with Tbf. It would just feel so wrong to try and connect with her now. The best thing I can do is be fair and do the right thing by her when our DM eventually goes.

That sounds as good as it gets.

Wishing you the best, @Honeysucklelane - there's no easy answer is there, and no good solution when you're fighting other people's selfish obliviousness

You just have to accept and endure it tbh. The fact that they ring you up and slag each other off would be a bit of a consolation, they are obviously both as childish/narcissistic as each other.

Just focus on your immediate family dp and dc and when they get in touch just keep the chat very superficial. If they try to tell you what a good time they've had together take the piss out of them and say yes right until the bitching sessions start!

Hard though op and very hurtful .

I've got difficult relationships within my own family - estranged from my father, not exactly NC with siblings but haven't seen or spoken to them in years, there's just no relationship, and my relationship with my mother is very difficult and we barely speak. She has a very different relationship with siblings, though this includes spoiling them and then complaining about them in secret to me. (I'm aware, BTW, that the common denominator in all these failed relationships is me).

One thing that comes across in your posts is that you aren't yet able to fully see your own part in how this dynamic is functioning, and the things that you are doing that are contributing to it. These are behaviours you've been trained into for years and may not be consciously aware of, though it seems you are getting there now - things like bitching sessions with your mother behind your sister's back (and assuming that they are not doing the exact same thing behind your back). If you can afford it, it might be really helpful to pick this apart with a therapist because it can be really hard when you realise what you've been doing. You describe your estranged sister as jealous, but you're jealous too, aren't you? Jealous of the attention you perceive the other sister as getting? Your mother has really done a number on the three of you by setting you up to have these relationships as adults.

Of course your mother is telling her. Why would you assume otherwise?

Your mother is someone who is rude about people behind their backs, you know this because she does it with you. It's what she does. Therefore she's doing it about you, with someone else.

What nonsense you've written.
This is ops family. Of course she wants to spend time with them, and what is 'setting clear boundaries ' what part of these ppl dont response to op when she tries to talk to them dont you understand?? And what is this utter rubbish about nettles ??? Op doesn't need to ask herself why she wants to spend time with them, she already knows why, what she wants to know is why they are such a holes to her.

Just because you're biologically related to people doesn't automatically mean that you want to spend time with them.

Some of us have absolutely awful family members, because awful people have children too and we were unlucky enough to get them as parents.

It's entirely reasonable to ask why you'd want to spend time with awful people, related or not.

I never said because you are related to someone it means you want to spend time with them, I said its ops family that's why shes trying. What you said makes no sense because op does want to spend time with them, if they treated her right. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

But they don't treat her well.

The people who treat her right exist only in her imagination.

Sounds like my MIL and BIL, they give each other an ego boost talking shit about others, talking about how amazing they both are. It’s truly pathetic.

I stick up for DSIS and her DCs as much as possible when DM criticises them to me.

I’m not jealous of the ‘attention’ my DSIS is receiving, as it comes with lots of bitching afterwards. It’s more the effort my DM puts in there, and the fact I live nearby but my DM doesn’t pop in on me and they don’t invite me out with them.

I wouldn’t say that’s jealously, rather an overriding feeling of hurt and injustice that someone treats their children so differently and makes it blatant who their golden culls is.

Thank you.

I was hoping to find people with similar family dynamics who have established a way of maintaining their relationships and protecting themselves from hurt.

There’s been a lot of good advice and I’m grateful for this platform to air how I’m feeling and be able to discuss it with others who are impartial.

I’m not entirely blameless in all of this, as I’ve facilitated the post visit bitching sessions by being on the end of the phone listening. I’ve learnt I need to put a stop to that, and I’ve learnt I’m best off seeing them separately, and somehow I need to learn to ignore the times I’m left out.

Instead of rushing to defend, just say you are not having this conversation. You are not going to participate if all your mother is going to do is be rude about your sister. End it there. Do not be part of it. When your mother rings up and starts these conversations, she does it knowing how you will respond. That's the game that the two of you are playing. We're allowed to say no and step away. I found that saying 'I don't want to talk about it/that person' has been the single most effective thing I ever said to my mother, who always rang me when she wanted someone to complain at.

And you can keep saying you're not jealous, but it comes across so strongly in some of your posts. I'm not saying this makes you a bad person or is a bad thing, because it's the natural outcome of the relationships you describe. Why wouldn't you be a bit jealous when she makes an effort for a sibling that she won't make for you? I understand the angry feelings. I get it. It's not that long since my own mother gleefully told me all about the exotic holiday she paid for herself and a sibling to go on. Meanwhile I suggested meeting for coffee and she told me it was too expensive. I would like the version of my mother that that sibling has got, but it's never going to happen and I have to accept that.

Please, if you can, find a good therapist you can unpick this with, not to change your family, but to give you perspective on what this dynamic is doing to you. You will have developed unhealthy and unhelpful behaviours, I guarantee it, but they can be undone and changed.