Change in grandparent since remarrying

[KaleQueen]

I will briefly summarise while trying not to be outing. DH’s dad not in his life much since 6. But still kept semi regular contact. DH was always accommodating and happy to see him. The dad remarried after leaving DH’s mum and was married 30 years (no further children) until 2nd wife passed away 4 years ago. Our kids are his only grandkids. Grandad would be generous financially to our kids with money at Christmas and birthdays which was usually the only time he saw them. I want to stress this was never expected, but the generosity was always appreciated.

Anyway he met a lady shortly after his wife died, they were married very quickly within a year. Since the marriage three years ago the amount of birthday/xmas money has decreased each year to the point that we’re now down to a tenner in a card. Going from very generous to a tenner. It’s not the money that bothers us at all, it’s the change since the new marriage. There’s no money concerns on his side. He’s very comfortable and has plenty of holidays etc. He has no mental health/dementia issues.

I am concerned and I can’t quite put my finger on why. I’m also slightly upset on behalf of my kids as they’ve noticed the fairly sudden change. Last year DD1 got £40 and DD2 got £20 when it came to her birthday a month later. Kids do notice these things especially when birthdays are close together and they’re only 2 years apart in age.

DH thinks it’s bizarre but he wouldn’t ever bring it up. Nor would I. Just interested in views and how others might feel in this scenario.

So the change is monetary and your bothered enough to post about it...I couldn't care less aslong as he was happy in his marriage which wouldn't be anything to do with me anyhow

It’s a shame that it seems that his marriage has affected his interest in his grandchildren and his generous nature. Are you worried that he’s being told what he can and can’t do by his new wife?

Yes I’m bothered as it’s not about money it’s about the change in generosity towards his grandchildren

He isn’t particularly involved in them. Or his son. Sadly. I somehow felt the money was a bit of a compensatory gesture and it was nice for the kids to get I suppose. It’s no big deal. It’s just a big change after 15 years of consistency when it came to what the kids got. Edited to add yes I suppose that could be it - she’s decided £60 is way too much for a birthday. So is £40. Then £20. So we’re down to a tenner.

I think you just have to suck it up, I'm afraid. Maybe he'd rather spend it on himself/his new wife. Maybe he was always going to reduce the amount as your kids got older. Encourage your kids to be grateful for what they are given rather than comparing to previous years.

Yes i would feel put out by that change, as I don't think it is fsir on the children and they may worry they have upset theor grandfathet or that he is showing favouritism. I must admit one grandfather is like that with our kids, and we never know whether to expect a £10 gift or some enormous, extravagent thing. Tbf, I would prefer he just sticks to £10 for each grandchild rather than causing confusion and disparity in spending across the 4 cousins. Kids aren't stupid and notice these differences, but tend to have inherent fairness baked in so cannot understand the differences (which in our case seems to purely relate to Grandfather having little patience in gift buying, and simply grabbing the first appropriate gift that comes to hand).

My children are obviously grateful I’ve brought them up to be polite. It’s me who is querying the incremental change.

I think you can say something about the inequality. It will also show you have noticed the change.

Dear FIL, if you want to give the kids a financial gift that’s much appreciated and always has been. However it would be really helpful if you could try to give the kids equal amounts, as they notice the differences. Of course if you no longer want to give anything that’s fine too. Thank you.

Could it be that he’s found a woman to outsource all the stuff he doesn’t want to do to? And she has no idea how much money he puts in, so she is just guessing and he is signing the card and doesn’t notice?

If that’s the case then his new wife is actively deciding to reduce the amount as it’s gone down every time a card comes 🤷🏻

Just to add we are both delighted he’s remarried and he seems very very happy. It’s just odd that the amounts are going down and down each year. If it follows this pattern the kids can expect two pound coins cellotaped inside by 2027 😂 Also to clarify it’s not about the money. One lovely old aunty has always sent a five pound note and that’s obviously not a vast amount but it’s still always welcomed. It’s the incremental reduction from £60 to £40 to £20 to then £10 recently after years of consistency which was a bit of a ‘what’s going on?’ Moment I think.
Does anyone else think £10 in a card for a grandchild is a bit stingy or am I ‘grabby’

What do you get him for his birthday?

I know DH family probably think I'm the reason he's not as generous with them any longer.

I never said anything, he just came to the realisation himself that he was mad spending £100+ plus each on them when they often forgot to get him or would give him some random cheap tat a few weeks after his birthday/ Christmas.

My husband has never bought his dad a birthday present. His dad has never bought him one. I thought it was odd when we met and suggested a gift but he said no that’s the way we are. But he’s always been generous with the children. Also other gifts at times like wedding etc. it’s a complex back story that I don’t want to go into but the money was and has always just been sent for the children with no expectations of a return gift. Maybe the new wife has pointed out this isn’t fair?

But dh's dad has form for "semi regular" contact already with his son? My guess is he doesn't actually care that much either way about his grandchildren. Nothing to do with his current partner.

I think that's probably it tbh. He's still sending something. The very least you could have done all these years is send a gift on behalf of your kids just to show that you did appreciate the effort he had gone too.

Yes contact has been regularly just birthdays and Christmas but always consistently so, with the same amount sent for 15 years. Until the last 3 years which coincided with his re-marriage. As I say we’re not upset with him, very happy for him, I’m just ‘perplexed’ I think as I know he’s not skint and so can’t think of a logical explanation. Kids are still school age so not a case of them getting older and so gifts stop/reduce.

With all respect and I appreciate that perspective that’s just not the dynamic between him and his dad. They’ve just simply never exchanged gifts. Cards but never gifts. Even before the children arrived. And that’s always been fine for both of them.

Does his new wife have expensive tastes? 🤔

Erm. Yes possibly…

It seems like it is about the money though, as you’ve already said he’s not particularly involved. It would be different if he’d gone from taking the children on days out and holidays, to nothing. Or if he’d gone from giving them birthday gifts to forgetting about their birthdays.

It’s not about the fact they aren’t getting ‘as much money’ it’s about the fact that the money they’ve had has been consistent for 15 years yet in the last three years it’s gone down each year without any other change in circumstances apart from his new wife.

Seems stingey but not much you can do about it. Does he see them a lot? As it coincided with his remarriage I would imagine his new wife has said something either about your DH not buying his Dad anything or her feelings about how much money to give grandchildren. Does she have grandchildren?

I’m not sure. Maybe he’s just got less cash as they’re out and about for meals and holidays etc which is obviously all great. It’s good to see him happy.

Yeah lots.

How much does your DH know about his DF’s financial situation? Despite the media portrayal of older people being wealthy, many struggle. Depending on his new DW’s financial situation he may now have higher outgoings. Ideally, the children should receive the same amount, but apart from that, I would not be concerned especially given you don’t have a culture of gift giving in your family.