Change in grandparent since remarrying

[KaleQueen]

I will briefly summarise while trying not to be outing. DH’s dad not in his life much since 6. But still kept semi regular contact. DH was always accommodating and happy to see him. The dad remarried after leaving DH’s mum and was married 30 years (no further children) until 2nd wife passed away 4 years ago. Our kids are his only grandkids. Grandad would be generous financially to our kids with money at Christmas and birthdays which was usually the only time he saw them. I want to stress this was never expected, but the generosity was always appreciated.

Anyway he met a lady shortly after his wife died, they were married very quickly within a year. Since the marriage three years ago the amount of birthday/xmas money has decreased each year to the point that we’re now down to a tenner in a card. Going from very generous to a tenner. It’s not the money that bothers us at all, it’s the change since the new marriage. There’s no money concerns on his side. He’s very comfortable and has plenty of holidays etc. He has no mental health/dementia issues.

I am concerned and I can’t quite put my finger on why. I’m also slightly upset on behalf of my kids as they’ve noticed the fairly sudden change. Last year DD1 got £40 and DD2 got £20 when it came to her birthday a month later. Kids do notice these things especially when birthdays are close together and they’re only 2 years apart in age.

DH thinks it’s bizarre but he wouldn’t ever bring it up. Nor would I. Just interested in views and how others might feel in this scenario.

Oh behave. The OP is posting about an unexplained change in established behaviour, possible undue influence from the new wife. The OP is concerned about the person not the money.

He’s not short of money. Edited to add. Well, he wasn’t. Not sure now. Yes you make a good point. She moved in with him quickly as was in a rented flat. Not sure of her finances but I’ve met her talked to her at length about her life etc and given her work and life history etc I’m not sure she’d have much of a pension. It’s not about the money though. It’s about the strange incremental refutations from £60 (v generous in my book given his relationship with the children) to £40 (absolutely still generous) to £20 (fair enough) to £10. Which now feels…odd.

I think his previous wife was probably doing all the presents, and now new wife is, but new wife is unaware of what previous wife was giving. He, like a lot of men, has no idea either and is simply leaving it all up to the women.

Don't be offended. New wife is probably just doing what she thinks is appropriate and what she probably does for her own grandkids (if she has any).

Is appropriate slowly reducing the amount you put in your grandchildren’s cards each year?

Meant to type ‘reductions’ sorry

No, maybe not, but in solidarity, my parents are also very wealthy and give me £40 each Christmas and birthday (if they remember - sometimes they forget my birthday). They give my child £20 - used to be £10. I just say thank you without opening the envelope and then use it to pay for some food. 🫤

As people get older I feel they get more worried about money, even if they have plenty. It could be that.

I’m sorry they forget your birthday. That’s rubbish and not okay xx

Thanks, i understand that, However they’re definitely not worried about money. My husband messaged to thank them for our child’s £10. Grandad replied saying he was away on a holiday. So it’s not about them being short of cash. It’s just the change in the pattern of gifting since the new wife came in on the scene.

My dad bought Xmas presents for my 3 oldest dc but not my youngest for her first or second Xmas/birthday as he ‘doesn’t know them’… neither did I but I still had to care for them the same as the others 😅 he said that, but my 3 oldest have never even been invited to his house! I haven’t spoken to him for 4 years now and don’t intend too. Note: he’s not got any child so much as a card for the past couple of years and yes, it’s definitely because of his wife! As a child if I sat next to my dad, his then girlfriend(now wife) would tell me to move! He’ll be a lonely old man VERY soon as she’s 20+ years older and in ill health I hear.

Could be she’s controlling. Could be he’s decided to lavish his money on her not them. Could be that she’s made him worry about retirement or care home fees or could be completely unrelated to her.

Are your children 15 and 13 now?

I will be honest here: I would be more worried the new woman is going to get the whole bloody inheritance. Leave the tenners, we are talking big money here

That’s entirely up to him. Nobody is owed an inheritance. Especially when, as here, there hasn’t been a close relationship.

I'd be inclined to think that splashing the cash is how they enjoy their time together, and this impacts his other avenues for generosity.

what first attracted her to the millionaire paul daniels
(butchered quote from mrs merton i believe, for those who don’t know)

i think hes giving her £50 to put in the card and shes skimming off it!

depends on how good your relationship is whether or not you could ask.
you’d have to be alone though without her or anyone and say it face to face and im not sure how you could word it without looking grabby.

maybe “is (new wife) dealing with the gc’s birthday cards now as youve always been incredibly generous with gifts of £50 and things but i noticed now it’s more like £20 and thats still very generous but i thought maybe (new wife) didnt know how much you usually gave and that’s why the change and that’s totally fine, i just wanted to make sure you weren’t angry at the kids or felt disconnected from them. last time gc2 asked if you loved her less as she got half what gc1 got and im so sorry to talk about money but theyd be happy either way a fiver each if that’s what you want to give them but it’s just so unlike you and they dont understand. it’s not about money its about them wanting to know you still love them as much as you did previously and i know it’s silly but they’re kids and they know money has value.”
or is that shite and likely to cause more problems 😜

If he doesn’t have any money problems a tenner is stingy.
i would feel exactly the same as you but I wouldn’t waste time getting upset about it.
my money would be on the wife’s influence. Does she have grandchildren?

Im definitely not upset. I’m just more ‘hmmm what’s going on here’. We barely see him, he’s never been a great dad or involved grandad. We don’t have any expectations of him. It would make barely any difference if he stopped sending cards altogether. But it’s the fact he’s sending cards with this odd incremental reduction that’s got me baffled.

£10 is stingy but you say that she also has grandchildren so I guess they all get the same and £60 each is a bit too much.
Do your children say 'thank you,' and generally engage with him about the gift? I must admit I have got fed up with family (to be fair not as close as grandchildren) just accepting that I send gifts but never say thank you or bother with me for the rest of the year. So I just stopped giving.

Ha. Funny that was my thought - it was being skimmed. But I’ve got a vivid imagination! We would never ever bring it up. It’s just a weird change.

Yes they always say thank you. Maybe they are just levelling it off to £10 per grandchild. Will be interesting to see what comes on the next birthday