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Original poster

Having the guy I’m seeing over this weekend but…

61 replies

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 15:14

I’ve been seeing someone since October, we haven’t slept together yet. I split from my ex around this time last year, we have 2 small children so I’ve only just got time for myself! This weekend he’s going to be staying the night. I’m just not sure how I feel about it. I keep getting the ick at how nice he is, I never knew ‘icks’ were a thing. But I’m just not sure I’m feeling it, I think it’s a me problem. How would sleeping with him, then seeing how I feel after make me appear? I feel like sex is important, however I feel like he’s very into me and I maybe just want some fun after being tied down for so long! So I don’t wanna hurt him

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 05/02/2026 15:18

How would sleeping with him, then seeing how I feel after make me appear?

Well if you decide to ditch him after that, it would probably make you appear, to him, as a user. More importantly than how you appear, it could really hurt him. How would you feel if he slept with you to try you out and decided he didn't want you?

I don't see why you can't wait a bit longer to clarify your feelings. If he's that fantastic he'll understand. What do you mean, the ick from being too nice?

Mauro711 · 05/02/2026 15:18

Doesn't sound like you are very in to him at all but also, you get icks because he's nice? That's a little odd. Or do you feel like maybe he's not being himself and sort of love bombing you? If so, you are probably right.

Catza · 05/02/2026 15:28

If you don't want to hurt him then very clearly communicate to him how you are feeling. If you can't communicate with him, then the relationship isn't going to work anyway.
What did you say to him previously? Did you indicate that you were looking for a long-term relationship? If so, tell him now that you are no longer sure that that's what you want and save him the journey.
Having been on the other side of "I realise now that maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was" it sucks balls. Someone told me that after staying with me at the weekend and I was not impressed!

Iamacatslave · 05/02/2026 15:31

If you’re not feeling it, tell him and cancel the weekend.

YouAndMeDays · 05/02/2026 15:31

Mauro711 · 05/02/2026 15:18

Doesn't sound like you are very in to him at all but also, you get icks because he's nice? That's a little odd. Or do you feel like maybe he's not being himself and sort of love bombing you? If so, you are probably right.

Or, OP is not used to a partner being nice to her, and is doubting him because he is.

OP, was your ex angry/impatient/abusive?

mcmuffin22 · 05/02/2026 15:32

Op, can you take the pressure off? Tell him that this is all a big step for you and just agree to dinner and then see how it plays out rather than you both thinking he has to stay the night?

Mauro711 · 05/02/2026 15:38

YouAndMeDays · 05/02/2026 15:31

Or, OP is not used to a partner being nice to her, and is doubting him because he is.

OP, was your ex angry/impatient/abusive?

Show quote history

Yes, that's definitely possible. I just can't see why that would give her the ick though. I have got the ick when I knew the guy was love bombing me in the past. He was obviously really nice to me but it was so over the top that I just felt repulsed by him once the confusion had settled.

its2025 · 05/02/2026 15:43

I think these days waiting 4 months before having sex is a long wait TBH - so on the one hand one more weekend shouldnt make any difference as you've both waited a while already.

But on the other hand - the fact you are getting the "ick" is telling you something - listen to your own instincts. Maybe this guy isn't for you?

Maybe you just see him as a bit of fun? If you think he'd be up for just a fun casual relationship - there's nothing wrong with that as long as you both feel the same.

You need to have this conversation with him - if you can't have the conversation you dont have much chance of a relationship with him of any kind.

FlowerFairyDaisy · 05/02/2026 15:46

What do you mean that him being nice to you gives you the 'ick'?

Have you kissed him yet? Was there chemistry?

ToriMounj · 05/02/2026 15:48

If you’re not feeling it so early on then it’s dead in the water. End it

Lavender14 · 05/02/2026 15:50

Do you actually want to have sex with him? If not then don't. Maybe your gut is telling you something is off. Maybe he's nice but just not the right guy for you. Maybe the chemistry just isn't there. You don't need to force this.

Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 16:01

I do want to yeah, it’s just been a long time coming haha and yeah my last relationship really wasn’t healthy at all. Deep down he was a great guy, but drank a lot, smoked weed a lot. He would go in moods occasionally if I didn’t want to have sex - also toward the end found he’d been messaging loads of prostitutes so this just feels like really weird territory to have someone who’s ‘normal’ I think. And consistent, I think my brain is conditioned to want drama and stress cos it’s exciting to me maybe

also I’m terrified of someone new seeing my body after 2 kids! It freaks me out. We’ve kissed but I haven’t had the feeling this it could lead to more but im not sure whether that’s cos it’s broad daylight as we’ve never been able to have an evening date.

it’s long winded but my ex hasn’t been having our youngest as she was breastfed. So I haven’t had any actual free time, I’ve always got a child overnight haha my mum bless her is giving me a night off this weekend so I can have some normal time. It’s been just odd circumstances cos usually dates would be dinner, evening etc for me anyway!

I just feel like maybe I’m pushing him away cos I’m scared of things developing

OP posts:
Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 16:03

@Mauro711 i think it’s really easy not to understand if you’ve not been in that position! I’d been with my ex over 10 years, I was very very used to how our relationship was. Doesn’t mean it was awful, but this feels very different to me and uncomfortable so therefor makes me want to run off!

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 05/02/2026 16:07

@justtryingherbest Oh I do defintely understand that. I was married to a not very nice guy for 20+ years and I tried dating after that ended and wanted to run off from each of them. I don't think they (other than the guy I mentioned) gave me the ick though, I just wasn't ready for a new relationship so quickly. I'm still not and it's been more that 3 years since i divorced. So maybe it's not him that's giving you the ick, maybe you are just hesitant to get into a new relationship. I definitely had that feeling of not wanting to be stuck with someone again and having to try and get out of it. I realised I craved freedom, not relationships.

YouAndMeDays · 05/02/2026 16:07

OP, it sounds like you are afraid, not getting the ick.

ETA: As a PP says, I mean hesitant, afraid to open yourself up to this guy.

Perhaps you don't feel worth being treated well?

DaisyChain505 · 05/02/2026 16:11

You say your ex what a great guy and in the same sentence tell us that he drank heavily, smoked weed, would have irrational mood swings when you didn’t want sex and he was using sex workers. This isn’t a great guy.

You need to figure out who you are and what standards you should be setting when it comes to men before you delve into another relationship.

Theonlywayicanloveyou · 05/02/2026 16:16

I would cancel. You’re just not that into it.

A different situation as I was younger but I was once dating a guy I wasn’t sure about, had one good date and thought maybe it would be ok, eventually I went to his on the fourth date and he cooked me dinner and the inevitable was expected… I said I had to get bag and legged it for the last tube. I just couldn’t go through with it. I had known deep down it wasn’t quite the right thing

JLou08 · 05/02/2026 16:17

Feeling uncomfortable about someone being nice is usually due to you never having healthy relationships or your gut telling you he isn't genuine.

WallaceinAnderland · 05/02/2026 16:17

What is the point in continuing to see him if you have the ick already 😕

Mizztikle · 05/02/2026 16:21

Definitely don't think you he should be staying over if you've never had a proper date, then again if you only want something casual, it might not be a problem.
However, I don't think you can have a casual relationship without the relations, might be better to just be friends.

Ilovelurchers · 05/02/2026 16:23

I think it's fine to sleep with him providing you are honest about it. Tell him you aren't sure and you feel like sleeping together would help you see if the chemistry is there or not.

He is a an adult - he can then think about that and decide if he wants to go for it or not.

He may feel the same, and be relieved that you are on the same page?

And yes, I have been put off by a guy being "too nice" in the sense of too full on, too keen to please me too early on. I find it more attractive if somebody keeps a little more of themselves in reserve until they know what they are dealing with. So the "too nice ick" can be valid.

I tend to sleep with people early on in dating, as I am comfortable with no strings sex. I am always honest with them that the sex is not necessarily going to lead to commitment. I have yet to meet a man who had a problem with that, though I am sure some would!

Good luck. I hope you find someone perfect for you, whether it's this guy or another. And I hope you have fun looking!

EarthSight · 05/02/2026 16:37

You're disgusted because he's nice to you?

Yeah something's really wrong with that. It's going to be one of these -

  • He's fawning on you or simpering.
  • You have bad self esteem. You don't find yourself to be worthy, so you actually look down at men or people generally who are nice to you, because how stupid could they be to see that they don't see those flaws, or that they see your flaws and still want to be with you.
  • You don't respect people who are nice or generous, in general, because it's not something you associate with authority, and you think such people are a bit daft or naive. That's a particular ick when it comes to men, because you're looking for that sense of authority in them (which translates to masculinity for you), so you find men who are not nice to be sexually appealing instead.
Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 16:51

@EarthSight did I say disgusted?! I don’t think I did. Him being nice doesn’t disgust me, I know it’s fully a me thing

OP posts:
Mauro711 · 05/02/2026 16:57

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 16:51

@EarthSight did I say disgusted?! I don’t think I did. Him being nice doesn’t disgust me, I know it’s fully a me thing

But isn't the ick a form of disgust?

FlowerFairyDaisy · 05/02/2026 17:02

So what is the plan for the weekend?

The first night I stayed at my partners house, he addressed the sex thing beforehand and said that we didn't have to have expectation of it just because I was staying the night for the first time. He was all prepared to sleep in his spare room etc..

I think you should just go out somewhere and have a nice evening and let things develop naturally (or not).