Having the guy I’m seeing over this weekend but…

[justtryingherbest]

I’ve been seeing someone since October, we haven’t slept together yet. I split from my ex around this time last year, we have 2 small children so I’ve only just got time for myself! This weekend he’s going to be staying the night. I’m just not sure how I feel about it. I keep getting the ick at how nice he is, I never knew ‘icks’ were a thing. But I’m just not sure I’m feeling it, I think it’s a me problem. How would sleeping with him, then seeing how I feel after make me appear? I feel like sex is important, however I feel like he’s very into me and I maybe just want some fun after being tied down for so long! So I don’t wanna hurt him

October until now is a hell of a long time to wait before having sex. Obviously you should not have sex with someone if you don’t want to, but l think in the first instance you need to ask yourself why you have waited so long?

If you do have sex, maybe you should consider not spending the night together the first time, but both having some space afterwards.

OP - I honestly don’t think you’re ready for a full on relationship yet. You’ve only been separated a year and been seeing this man for a few months - your inner self is telling you this isn’t for you right now.

Please take time to be single and work on exactly who you are and what you need first. Don’t use a man to fill a void just because she’s ‘nice’ that’s not fair on either of you.
Healing from a relationship often takes longer than you think - to your gut here.

OP, I felt the same way about my (now partner) when I met him. I’d been in a crap abusive relationship before and I just could not get used to being with a kind, decent man. Because the crazy ‘excitement’ wasn’t there I really doubted how I felt about him. I was just honest with him and said I needed time. I’m so glad I did! For me in the past, having the crazy excitement and sexual chemistry made me feel like the guy was ‘the one’, but in fact it was the opposite, it meant he was the wrong one and those feelings were actually anxiety based. I genuinely thought I felt the ‘ick’ for my now partner for quite a while after I met him but because he was respectful of my needing space and he treated me well I kept going. Over time I grew to really like and then love him. No fireworks, no drama, just a real, relaxed kind of love.
I’d say give him a chance. Nice men are hard to find when online dating. If he ticks a lot of boxes especially.
Sometimes you need to be intimate with someone to see if you really click.
Also, sorry you’ve had a hard time on here, there are some really sad people here who just want to be mean and argue. Best to just ignore them!!

If you've seen this man since October you'll have had time to form your views about him. Using the word ick is very telling. It means you don't have the chemistry you should have during this honeymoon period, it doesn't need to be the dewy eyed first teen love type of experience, but not feeling excited and looking forward to him staying is the biggest hint possible that the chemistry isn't there.

if I were you, I'd cancel the weekend and rethink the relationship. Once he's with you it will be a horrible experience for you to realise it isn't right. You'll be under massive emotional pressure once he's with you and staying the night. I tend to use intuition with relationships, if it doesn't feel right it isn't right,

It's pretty clear that as you're thinking of spending the night with this guy you're not repulsed or disgusted by him

that's one helluva low bar there!

If you feel this way now, it's best to call things off. Let the man in question find a partner who wants to be with him, and you can also find a man who is more of what you want. You're incompatible for each other.

Do you actually want to be dating? It sounds like you’re a busy mum. You could just have the night to do what you want alone. Without a man involved. Time alone is a great healer. I would cancel if I wasn’t feeling it.

OP I think you should go for it and see what happens. But be honest and say you’re a bit nervous as nobody’s seen you naked for a while!

can you go for dinner or get a takeaway and watch a film and keep it quite chilled.

if he nice to you then that’s a good thing and I wonder if you’re just not used to that. You could be over thinking!

if sex does happen and you decide not to - then just tell him you need a bit longer. I

hopefully if you share some of this (maybe leave out the ick!!) then he’ll understand and make you feel comfortable.

Can I ask gently, are you over your ex?

Just see how the evening goes and play it by ear. You haven't committed to anything or promised anything, all relationships are a discovery. Hopefully it will be an enjoyable time but whatever happens don't beat yourself up, you cannot predict how you will feel or how things will go - it isn't all on you anyway.

I don’t think you should have sex then decide if you want to end it. It does come across as being used.

I would be honest with, explain how hard it is for you. I’m guessing he knows the issues with your ex?

Say you are unsure if you want a full on relationship or just some fun for now. He can then choose whether to carry on.