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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the guy I’m seeing over this weekend but…

61 replies

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 15:14

I’ve been seeing someone since October, we haven’t slept together yet. I split from my ex around this time last year, we have 2 small children so I’ve only just got time for myself! This weekend he’s going to be staying the night. I’m just not sure how I feel about it. I keep getting the ick at how nice he is, I never knew ‘icks’ were a thing. But I’m just not sure I’m feeling it, I think it’s a me problem. How would sleeping with him, then seeing how I feel after make me appear? I feel like sex is important, however I feel like he’s very into me and I maybe just want some fun after being tied down for so long! So I don’t wanna hurt him

OP posts:
EarthSight · 05/02/2026 17:05

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 16:51

@EarthSight did I say disgusted?! I don’t think I did. Him being nice doesn’t disgust me, I know it’s fully a me thing

You literally said this. Quote -

I keep getting the ick at how nice he is

The 'ick' that everybody talks about is actually a disgust response. It can vary in strength, and it's sexual disgust or revulsion here, specifically, but that's what that feeling of 'ick' is - you're recoiling away from them sexually,
it's a degree of revulsion.

I'm not sure why you have an issue with that. Read up on psychology.

Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 17:06

@Mauro711 I think of having the ick as a general want to run away, not being disgusted by someone

OP posts:
noidea69 · 05/02/2026 17:06

mcmuffin22 · 05/02/2026 15:32

Op, can you take the pressure off? Tell him that this is all a big step for you and just agree to dinner and then see how it plays out rather than you both thinking he has to stay the night?

and when his response is:

"sure that's absolutely fine with me, happy to take things slow, lets just go out and have dinner".

The OP will then be "ewww gross" you are too understanding, i never want to shag you.

Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 17:08

@EarthSight are you a therapist? I guess I should have fully looked into exactly what ‘ick’ meant.

I used to come to mumsnet for support now I just feel like i get judged on here constantly. It’s shit

OP posts:
Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 17:08

@noidea69 wow. You know me so well

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 05/02/2026 17:10

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 16:03

@Mauro711 i think it’s really easy not to understand if you’ve not been in that position! I’d been with my ex over 10 years, I was very very used to how our relationship was. Doesn’t mean it was awful, but this feels very different to me and uncomfortable so therefor makes me want to run off!

I've been in similar shoes and found counselling very helpful in working out what was healthy/ normal and what wasn't and the impact on me and my nervous system. Might be worth considering if you're recognising that you're struggling with old patterns?

Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 17:11

To those who have been supportive and given some actual decent advice, thank you. I appreciate you understanding different views etc. the ones who have just been rude/completely judged someone from behind a screen, then just shame on you. Let’s hope you don’t get the same shitty treatment when you need some advice

OP posts:
Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 17:12

Thanks @Lavender14 i think it’s definitely something I need to do, as again I know it’s a me problem. I’ve had a lot on looking after my 2 little ones so my head is a bit wobbly

mainly, thanks for not being a dick!

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 05/02/2026 17:16

however I feel like he’s very into me and I maybe just want some fun after being tied down for so long! So I don’t wanna hurt him

then you need to tell him that so he can decide if he wants fun with you or to cut things off. It’s very unfair of you to sleep with him because you want some fun whilst you know he’s very into you

Coconutter24 · 05/02/2026 17:19

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 17:06

@Mauro711 I think of having the ick as a general want to run away, not being disgusted by someone

The meaning of ick is disgust so although you may not mean that, that is what everyone will take from it because that’s what it means

wheresmymojo · 05/02/2026 17:23

Having sex with someone you know has feelings for you when you’re not sure about them to ‘see how you feel’ is a really shitty thing to do.

You only seem to be thinking about this from your perspective and how you feel and appear and not about him at all?

Perhaps you need some time on your own or in a casual (and agreed as such) situation and aren’t ready for a relationship right now(?)

Proccy · 05/02/2026 17:26

Just because he's nice doesn't mean he's right for you. Delay or ditch if he's giving you the ick

EarthSight · 05/02/2026 17:29

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 17:08

@EarthSight are you a therapist? I guess I should have fully looked into exactly what ‘ick’ meant.

I used to come to mumsnet for support now I just feel like i get judged on here constantly. It’s shit

Constantly?? How often are you posting about topics in order to feel like that? I don't have the patience for the fact that you're assuming some kind of victimhood just because you feel a bit self-conscious.

I've outlined some possibilities as to what might be some things that are causing you to feel the way you do.

It's up to you now to see if they apply to you. If they don't, they don't.

Stillhere83 · 05/02/2026 17:34

I definitely can get the ick from guys being too nice, I don't think that's all that uncommon! It's if it comes across as fawning/simpering as a PP said, or just ridiculously keen too early on.

Lotsofthings · 05/02/2026 17:38

In the nicest possible way I think you are over thinking it, it’s all been built up.
How would you feel if you would never see him again, upset or relieved.

Which is it? That might clarify your feelings.

OhShitImNearly40 · 05/02/2026 18:22

I think you should go for it. You’ve been dating long enough to know if he’s a nice person or not.
Tbh you just sound nervous doing it with someone new.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/02/2026 18:38

Just because he's nice to you doesn't mean you have to sleep with him. He may be lovely but not for you. Sometimes it's hard to put your finger on what's not right, you just know it isn't. Call it off. His reaction may reveal a lot.

Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 18:43

@EarthSight haha I feel like you’re just picking apart everything I’m saying and making your own decision on how I’ve meant it. You can offer advice without coming across as an arse, like others have on this post

OP posts:
EarthSight · 05/02/2026 19:02

Or, you're just not used to being challenged on manipulative nonsense that you're used to being able to get away with.

We shall see whose advice you find more useful longterm, eh!

Original poster
justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 19:47

@EarthSight i don’t even know what you’re going on about anymore

OP posts:
Wayk · 05/02/2026 21:32

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 19:47

@EarthSight i don’t even know what you’re going on about anymore

Please do not entertain nasty comments.

Of course it is going to be daunting starting an intimate relationship with a new man. I think he sounds like a nice guy and if you do not feel you are ready to take things to the next level tell him on the night. You are a busy mum with lots going on.

Likeoohlaalaala · 05/02/2026 23:05

Just ignore the weirdos OP, I swear all people do on this site now is pick apart and twist people's posts.

It's pretty clear that as you're thinking of spending the night with this guy you're not repulsed or disgusted by him, so I get what you mean by your ick is just not quite comfortable with him.

If it's been since October and you still don't want to jump into bed with him I'd say he's not for you, just tell him that. See if you can remain friends and who knows where it might go when you're a bit more settled. I wouldn't be spending the night with him though, it's not nice if you know you're not into him.

Give it time, when you know you'll know

DaffodilTuesday · 05/02/2026 23:19

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 17:12

Thanks @Lavender14 i think it’s definitely something I need to do, as again I know it’s a me problem. I’ve had a lot on looking after my 2 little ones so my head is a bit wobbly

mainly, thanks for not being a dick!

I do wonder, and I mean this kindly, if what would be best is some time for yourself. I have been a single parent a long time so I get what you are saying, but if you know you are not 100% into this guy, you are kind of giving yourself a problem you don’t need by wondering what to do.
If you want to keep seeing him, and he is decent, just tell him that you are not sure about sex, without saying it’s giving you the ick, and think about how you want to spend your precious time.
if you want to have sex, but you are not sure if the relationship has legs, then I think you need to be clear about that too. Don’t tie yourself in knots worrying what to do.

FlamingoFloss · 05/02/2026 23:26

Hi @justtryingherbest just because he is staying over doesn’t mean you actually have to have sex. You can just spend some more quality time together and see how it goes. It may make you feel more comfortable about your body. I get it’s a big deal when it’s someone new. Just try and not overthink it and if it feels right go with it. If it doesn’t then it doesn’t and no harm in giving it a go. Good luck

ScrollingLeaves · 05/02/2026 23:28

justtryingherbest · 05/02/2026 15:14

I’ve been seeing someone since October, we haven’t slept together yet. I split from my ex around this time last year, we have 2 small children so I’ve only just got time for myself! This weekend he’s going to be staying the night. I’m just not sure how I feel about it. I keep getting the ick at how nice he is, I never knew ‘icks’ were a thing. But I’m just not sure I’m feeling it, I think it’s a me problem. How would sleeping with him, then seeing how I feel after make me appear? I feel like sex is important, however I feel like he’s very into me and I maybe just want some fun after being tied down for so long! So I don’t wanna hurt him

I think you are not ready for this.