Is it worth ending an unhappy marriage because of this or is it easier to stay?

[Isitworththat]

DH and I have been together for 11 years, married for 8 and we have 2 DC aged 7 and 5. We’re early 30s for context so yes, we got together very young which may play a part. Sorry if this is long and convoluted.

We basically have no chemistry, passion, lust or spark anymore. I don’t know if this is just normal and happens to most after a decade+ but I miss that energy an awful lot. No idea whether it can be reignited. We have very little time for one another- both busy at work and then any spare time we have, we plough into DC. We don’t go out much because we don’t really have reliable childcare and I may be paranoid but wouldn’t trust a stranger. We go out maybe twice a year when MIL or DM are willing to take the reins (both make excuses a lot not to).

Probably bigger than this is the resentment I feel towards him. He’s incredibly self-centred. To be fair to him, this is probably why he’s been so successful career wise but in a marriage, it isn’t beneficial whatsoever. He rabbits on and on and on about himself all of the time, his favourite topic is work and if it isn’t this, it will be something he’s currently fixated on. At the minute it’s AI, in the past we’ve had venture capital and corrosion. It’s just boring and I shut off. Worst thing is, he’s self aware enough to realise this but still continues.

He doesn’t really help much around the house or with DC at all. The ‘life admin’ tasks are almost all on me. He wouldn’t have a clue if it was non uniform day, parents evening, decorate a spoon, world book day, Easter bonnet day, nativity day, school trips etc. He just has no interest really above anything else. I do all of the shitty jobs I hate like meal planning and online food shops. I make sure DC have everything they need. Even when it’s bath and bedtime, I pretty much do all of the legwork while he fannies around on his phone. I also do 95% of the housework and cooking. He would never do any of it spontaneously, I always have to ask. I plan all weekend activities too. I stopped doing this last year in protest to see what would happen, we just never went anywhere…

There’s other things too like I don’t eat meat, he does and he leaves it in the fridge to go rancid and make the fridge smell like shit. I then have to throw it away which makes me feel ill. He leaves his contact lens packets on the side of the bath every single day until they accumulate and start falling into the bath. He leaves his wet dirty towels and pants ON THE BED. Things like this.

Plus he forgets everything all of the time. If I don’t prompt him 10000 times, he’ll forget. He says he just has a really poor working memory which may be true but it’s frustrating nevertheless. If I ask him, for example, to collect a parcel on his way home 9/10 he will forget. Last night he was away with work and I assumed he was coming home early to drop DC at breakfast club as he has in the past (I started work early so couldn’t). I got a drunken text at 10pm to say he’d completely forgotten but that MIL could luckily help, he was unable to get home to drop them.

I just find it all deeply unattractive. As a result, I’m considering leaving but I know the grass isn’t always greener and there’s reasons to stay. Financially mostly, I earn well too but we’re much stronger together. Youngest DC has mild SEN, I worry about damaging his development in some way. DH isn’t abusive, he doesn’t cheat, he’s generally a good father and kind. Is that enough reason to stay? Are there ways to work through all of this?

Find him a friend who dotes on his wife and is competent and give it a few months.

Look your young and it isn’t going to get better, you count too; you won’t damage your child by leaving an unhappy marriage. And irs clear he annoys rhe fuck out of you, and when it gets to that level there is no coming back

make the break, the time is now, as hard as it is.

What a daft piece of advice.

I know people will pile on about diagnosing and obviously I can’t diagnose someone from this and it could absolutely not be ND at all and just weaponised incompetence (or a combination) but the bits about going down rabbit holes on specific topics and memory combined with the rest sound like ADHD to me (I have it).

Saying that, none of these are things someone (even with ADHD) can’t overcome and choose to do differently, it’s just harder and takes more conscious effort and understanding how your own ADHD brain works differently and coming up with ways that work with it rather than against it - and that would be on him to figure out, not for you to add to your already over extended list of things to sort/fix.

Have told him a few times I think he has ADHD for the reasons you mentioned. If I ask him to get 5 things from the shop, he will generally forget at least 1. Sometimes he’ll just come out with loads of random shit and not the one thing I asked. It does read a lot like ADHD to me too but equally I don’t want to use that possibility as an excuse. He is very self aware so knows what I find upsetting or irritating, we’ve had lots of conversations over the years about it and he promises to change but doesn’t.

Sounds utterly miserable. It will surely only get worse.

He's not kind though is he? Would you dump wet towels and pants on the bed of a friend? He doesn't show interest in his kids. I wouldn't fancy him in those circumstances even if he looked like Tom Cruise.

He sounds like he has no interest in anything other than himself and his latest interest, which is deeply unattractive and not fair on your children, who deserve an engaged, involved dad.

However, I also think you haven’t helped the situation by never investing any time in your relationship as a couple, not just as parents. Why does every bit of free time have to revolve around the kids? Why do you only go out together once or twice a year when you can persuade your or his mum to babysit? If you’ve never trusted any other babysitter for 7 years then you’re making life incredibly difficult for yourselves.

we had no nearby family but paid for a babysitter pretty much as soon as our babies could be left with a bottle or cup of expressed milk. It’s so important to remember that you were a couple before kids came along.

none of us can answer whether you should stay or go, but I would advise carving out some time to actually engage with each other as communication is essential

Oh my god, are you me?? I could have written this, although I have continuously pulled my DH up and some things have improved, but the constant requests alone have drained me of love for him.

The thing is, his incompetence often affects him too, so I don’t think a lot of it is malicious.

I had to push and push my DH to seek an ADHD assessment…he was in tears just trying to complete the form as it was so overwhelming. When he finally got the report (which confirmed the diagnosis), he couldn’t even be bothered to read it and months later, I’m still waiting for him to consider seeking ADHD meds.

If you have Instagram, look up Alessandro Frosali; he is straight talking about all of this incompetence presenting in husbands and I’ve taken to showing DH his videos as I just can’t be fucked to keep explaining myself.

I think it’s mostly because youngest DS has SEN and in the past, he has eloped. We have to have certain measures in place to keep him safe and I can barely trust my MIL to do this, let alone a stranger. MIL let him elope when she looked after them in the summer holidays- once he ran into the road, another time he ended up in our NDN’s house. This is in spite of us giving clear instructions to keep doors locked at all times and if he’s in the garden, keep a constant eye on him and keep gates closed.

It’s really just on the off chance something happened, I wouldn’t be able to relax. He also very very occasionally does nuts things like putting a coin in his mouth even though he knows he shouldn’t or using his step to try and scale my bookcase.

Thank you for this, it’s great to know I’m not alone with it! And I will look him up.

I do think ADHD is a strong possibility but he’s so competent at work that I know he’s capable of it at home too. I just think he knows I will cover it so he doesn’t have to worry about it and that is deeply unattractive.

Get out

Lead the life you want

Be happy

You can do this

Maybe he's just a selfish wanker. Has he ever lived alone?

There is no point whatsoever in showing your kids a loveless marriage for they to potentially go onto emulate as adults. It’s not easier for you either to stay with someone like him.

I also doubt he is this incompetent at work because if he was like this theee he’d be up on a disciplinary. Weaponised incompetence is practiced by some people in order to get out of tasks they see as the other persons job. I would not readily assume adhd at all and even if he did have this it’s still no excuse or justification for how you and in turn your kids are being treated.

Not really. He lived with his grandparents when we met. He travelled for a year or so before this so I guess was alone then but he’s never lived alone properly as in being fully responsible for himself, chores etc.

Yes, my husband also holds down an amazing job, earns handsomely, but it’s a role where having the gift of the gab gets him by. Not sure if similar for your DH?

We have DC aged 11 and 12 and I’m choosing to stay FWIW. Like I said, I have seen changes and I believe he wishes to improve, but there’s a long way to go.

The supermarket thing resonates so strongly with me; it’s painful. Or on the one occasion in 6 months, that he, for example, empties the tumble dryer, there will ALWAYS be one sock left in there. Always. But he would NEVER see it, even if it’s his sock and I leave it on the utility room counter for the rest of time. Arghhhhh!

You need to make your own choice but if I were in this situation and in my early 30s I would run for the hills. Life is too short!

Things were like this with my now ex-husband. I felt more like his mum/employee and it was absolutely exhausting and soul destroying.

Maybe with decent counselling you could both work to get things back on track. For us, this highlighted that things were beyond that and we divorced. It had all worn me down so much I’d fallen out of love.

To be fair, he stepped up for the first time ever once I wasn’t around to sort everything out and was great with our DCs when he had them.

He met someone else, remarried, had further children and is now very engaged in family life and work takes second place. However, it’s been a long journey.

He reverted to his ‘old’ self after marrying again, and after getting totally frustrated by the same issues (as you experience, and I did too) his second wife was sure he was ND and insisted he go for a diagnosis. He’s now diagnosed and medicated for ADHD and is like a different person but I’m still glad he’s no longer my husband!

We moved on and I’m happier, he’s happier and our now adult DCs were - and still are - happier.

Think that one was generated by AI! You can always tell them: you sit there scratching your head and wondering if you're losing your mind!

You can always change your mind about staying Kevin’s.

would you want your kids as adults to be in a relationship like yours and if not why not?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Ha, that resonates deeply with me too! My DH is the same, on the off chance he will do a chore it generally won’t be done properly.

After one of our conversations, he said he’d take over the laundry entirely. His version of doing laundry is basically removing things from the dryer, sorting them into various random piles he dots across the kitchen floor and then he leaves the piles there for a while. I get annoyed and ask him to move the piles. He then puts everything away in the wrong place so I basically spent the week unable to find anything.

This is something I worry about because they are boys and I don’t want them to grow up thinking this is how men treat women. You know, that women do everything and men get away Scot free. When our eldest was in reception the class were asked what their parents did for a living and my DS said I was a cleaner. He had no idea I had an actual career, he just saw me cleaning the house all of the time and thought that was my main role! I know he was only 4 but it really did hit me.

The frustrating thing as well is that I worked away during the week over summer for 2 months. I was hopeful something would change during this period, that he’d realise how much I did and start helping more. His mum or my mum just ended up doing a lot of it because they largely covered while he worked. He did his bit like evening meals and putting them to bed but as soon as I was home (including weekends), I did it all again.

Ill make it really easy.

Wjat he is doing is a choice. He chooses to opt in or opt out. Its clear his choice is opting out.
You also have a choice. Let him continue to opt out or tell him how it is and ask for change.

People often say men think different/different burdens/finances/cant do it all yadayadayada....

Rubbish. Any relationship should be a team. Any parenting should be a team. If this core principle is not there resentment builds. Resentment kills relationships.

My ex opted out. So I opted out of the marriage and after working on myself and focusing on my children I knew what boundaries I had with this and that a new partner had to add value. Not drain our lives.

My DP did not father my children but he nurtures them, cares for them, does homework, clubs, does school events (yes I have the admin of it on my phone but I delegate the tasks) this week he went into school to read the class a story.
He works 2 jobs, and he helps around the house....he cooks, I wash up etc. If im tired and struggling he does more for a bit, if hes tired and struggling I do more for a bit because we are a team.

There is a man who has opted in. There are no excuses!

I’d love to say we haven’t had such conversations at least 20 times over the years but we most definitely have. In fact, we had a chat about 2 weeks ago and I frustratedly explained how he puts himself first and I don’t have that same luxury. If I put myself first, the house would fall into disarray and the children would be neglected so I can’t do that but he has me to fall back on so does.

I also explained how when I did finally put myself first over summer taking a once in a lifetime position miles away from home, he resented me for that and made me feel guilty. While I was there I made sure to keep in touch as often as I could, FaceTimed DC daily, travelled 400 mile round trip every weekend to come home etc. Plus DH had either my mum or his doing most of the legwork anyway, most days he just had to do tea and bedtime.

It was like he didn’t like the fact I had been selfish for once but he always is and gets away with it.

He sounds awful, as a partner and father. would get your ducks in a row to separate.

You’re U not to us paid childcare with DC of those ages to go out from time to time: you will need to when you’re a single parent