Is it worth ending an unhappy marriage because of this or is it easier to stay?

[Isitworththat]

DH and I have been together for 11 years, married for 8 and we have 2 DC aged 7 and 5. We’re early 30s for context so yes, we got together very young which may play a part. Sorry if this is long and convoluted.

We basically have no chemistry, passion, lust or spark anymore. I don’t know if this is just normal and happens to most after a decade+ but I miss that energy an awful lot. No idea whether it can be reignited. We have very little time for one another- both busy at work and then any spare time we have, we plough into DC. We don’t go out much because we don’t really have reliable childcare and I may be paranoid but wouldn’t trust a stranger. We go out maybe twice a year when MIL or DM are willing to take the reins (both make excuses a lot not to).

Probably bigger than this is the resentment I feel towards him. He’s incredibly self-centred. To be fair to him, this is probably why he’s been so successful career wise but in a marriage, it isn’t beneficial whatsoever. He rabbits on and on and on about himself all of the time, his favourite topic is work and if it isn’t this, it will be something he’s currently fixated on. At the minute it’s AI, in the past we’ve had venture capital and corrosion. It’s just boring and I shut off. Worst thing is, he’s self aware enough to realise this but still continues.

He doesn’t really help much around the house or with DC at all. The ‘life admin’ tasks are almost all on me. He wouldn’t have a clue if it was non uniform day, parents evening, decorate a spoon, world book day, Easter bonnet day, nativity day, school trips etc. He just has no interest really above anything else. I do all of the shitty jobs I hate like meal planning and online food shops. I make sure DC have everything they need. Even when it’s bath and bedtime, I pretty much do all of the legwork while he fannies around on his phone. I also do 95% of the housework and cooking. He would never do any of it spontaneously, I always have to ask. I plan all weekend activities too. I stopped doing this last year in protest to see what would happen, we just never went anywhere…

There’s other things too like I don’t eat meat, he does and he leaves it in the fridge to go rancid and make the fridge smell like shit. I then have to throw it away which makes me feel ill. He leaves his contact lens packets on the side of the bath every single day until they accumulate and start falling into the bath. He leaves his wet dirty towels and pants ON THE BED. Things like this.

Plus he forgets everything all of the time. If I don’t prompt him 10000 times, he’ll forget. He says he just has a really poor working memory which may be true but it’s frustrating nevertheless. If I ask him, for example, to collect a parcel on his way home 9/10 he will forget. Last night he was away with work and I assumed he was coming home early to drop DC at breakfast club as he has in the past (I started work early so couldn’t). I got a drunken text at 10pm to say he’d completely forgotten but that MIL could luckily help, he was unable to get home to drop them.

I just find it all deeply unattractive. As a result, I’m considering leaving but I know the grass isn’t always greener and there’s reasons to stay. Financially mostly, I earn well too but we’re much stronger together. Youngest DC has mild SEN, I worry about damaging his development in some way. DH isn’t abusive, he doesn’t cheat, he’s generally a good father and kind. Is that enough reason to stay? Are there ways to work through all of this?

He does. And I’m not saying he’s not, but he sounds awful as the op thinks he’s awful and is only focused on the negatives. Few people are all bad.

what this tells me is the marriage is fully over. The op sees nothing positive about this man, he annoys her and she finds him selfish and uncaring. His view on her we won’t get.

but whether he is only what she says or multi dimensional it doesn’t matter, all that matters is she thinks he’s awful

He isn’t going to change. People don’t. If anything, the selfishness and self-centredness will get worse as he ages, not better. Also, it is very unlikely the spark will suddenly return.

Ask yourself if you want to be living this way in ten years. Or twenty? Do you want to retire and grow old with this man? The pace of medical advance is speeding up. Pretty soon we’ll have the first generation of anti-ageing drugs, then medical nanobots and god knows what else. You may live a lot longer than you expect.

I once heard a therapist say that women who leave unhappy marriages rarely regret it. They just wish they’d done it sooner.

How long have you been married?

You finish with ‘he’s generally a good father and kind’ but nothing at all in your post says good father or kind.

I did give some positives at the end. Of course I’m not going to be on this board saying I think my marriage is over if I think he’s brilliant and everything is hunky dory. And it goes without saying, I have my faults too as everyone does.

Of course there are positives. I appreciate how ambitious he is and admire that aspect of him. He is kind in the sense he isn’t abusive, he doesn’t mistreat me, he doesn’t actively go out of his way to harm any of us. He doesn’t go out drinking or go to the gym for five hours a night like some people’s husbands I’ve read about on here do. He is a good dad in many respects. There are positives but for a long time, the negatives have outweighed them.

Terrible read
So sorry about your marriage. Regardless of whether or not he has ADHD he sounds exhausting and you sound over it. To me it sounds as if you would be so much happier out of this relationship. Your children would probably thrive if their mum was actually happy and going out more than twice a year.

Marriage is not an endurance test @Isitworththat and there are no prizes for hanging in there when you are miserable.

Please don't think you are benefitting your kids by filling all the gaps he leaves and getting more and more frustrated in the process.

I do think you should get a babysitter occasionally and see if spending some time away from the domestic routine means he actually listens to you but I wouldn't hold my breath.

You are doing it all anyway so why not do it all with some added freedom and less misery?

Similar age and situation here. Except my H helps round the house quite a bit. I feel a lot of what you feel but I am choosing to stay because I have worked out my financial situation if I’m alone and honestly, I wouldn’t be happy.

just think how much easier your life would be without him

Sounds rather like my exH. I did all the life admin, organised kids, shopping, after school activities, washing, ironing etc. He worked shifts so spent more time with the kids than most fathers but seemed to feel that doing this meant he didn't have to do anything else. So yes he would cook dinner but I had to get the ingredients and decide what it was going to be. Yes he would do the washing or change the beds but I had to ask. Yes he would vacuum but again, only if I asked and he wouldn't do edges or corners.......................!! Yes I ran the house with almost military precision, it was something I was good at and I did enjoy 'being in charge' but when the kids grew up and didn't need so much managing there was nothing left between us. Due to his shifts we had never developed a friendship group, rarely went out just the two of us and never sat in the same room to share a movie or tv programme. We decided to split up when he told me "Now the children are all moving out, I just don't want to spend any time with you".

Can you read back what you've written there though, can you see how you're saying he's 'good' but the only examples you can give are awful things he's not doing, rather than things that make him good? Just because other people have a low bar doesnt mean you have to, or that you have to accept it for your children.

What?

Then for me id be done in afraid. He is getting away with it and he doesnt care.

This all sounds so familiar, thank you for sharing. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who has been through this. I need to weigh up my options really. I think sunk-cost fallacy is at play. Part of me worries that the longer I do stay, the older I get and the harder it subsequently becomes to leave.

But also harder in other ways.

Can you have an honest talk with him? I can see the appeal of an open relationship

An open relationship would not work for either of us for various reasons, there’s just no way either of us would be comfortable with that…

We have had a lot of deep conversations over the years about this. It tends to be a case of me explaining things I’ve mentioned in
this post, him apologising and saying he will change. He implements the changes for maybe a week or two at best, then slips back into his old ways like nothing ever happened.

Same thing happened to me - I arranged date nights etc but it didn’t make any difference. When I started to get my own circle of friends and going out getting drunk with them he started wanting to come too. I was never invited out with his friends! He didn’t like me having my own life

I would sit him down, OP, and tell him that if things don’t change you’ll be separating and then divorcing. It’s very common for men to nod along to being told what the problems are, make no real effort to change. and then act as if they’re totally blindsided when eventually the woman has had enough and kicks him out. Spell it out for him, start marriage counselling, and prepare to follow through if he doesn’t change. You deserve better than this.

What’s the point of him? He sounds awful. I bet he likes being the ‘husband and family man ‘ but he’s neither.

The incompetence does not tally with his success at work.

He’s just a selfish wankball.

He knows he bores you, he knows you're not happy, he knows you do all the chores, he knows, you take care of the kids, social events etc etc. Yet, he still doesn't compromise or even cook the odd meal!! Nah, this is going nowhere for you. Maybe suggest couples therapy but I wouldn't put money on him doing that even if he knew you'd leave him if not. So bin him, your children will be just fine in a calm, stress free environment

An open relationship won't change a single thing about the issues she's having at home! Getting sex on the side isn't what the OP needs at ALL. What a daft suggestion.

Life is too short for this shit. Also it's a real issue that you're modelling this kind of relationship to your boys. That was a big part of the reason why I split from my XH.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

The sunk costs fallacy further causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

A man who just pays lip service to the issues is in my opinion not someone you should stay with. Also staying for the sake of the children does not stack up as a statement when further scrutinised.

Sounds like my DH but I'm 10 years older. He is overall a good person but has a lot of the traits you described. He earns well and is very generous, we want for nothing really which in itself is a kindness. He could keep bonuses etc for himself. He doesnt.

I have stayed but I have started focusing more on myself. My kids are a little older, one primary, one just started high school.. I have started pencilling in time for friends and things I enjoy, also have returned to college. I am feeling better in myself as a result.

MN will tell you everyone at it 3 times a week....maybe some are but I work in healthcare and have frequent discussions with people and their sex lives. Vast, VAST majority not very active after 10/20 years, in fact a lot not at all. One young couple recently hadn't gad sex in 4 years. They were happy with that. So I wouldn't fixate on that end of things if other stuff could be improved and indeed if he improved his ways, the intimacy might naturally improve as a result.

Best of luck OP x

He really does sound like he has ADHD or ASD, and whilst this does explain some of his behaviour, it doesn’t excuse the selfishness. The fact that one of your children has SEN is significant, it’s generally accepted that it’s inherited, so there’s clearly a family history of neurodiversity.

You can list everything like you have here and explain to him that you are not willing or able to continue like this, so he needs to get assessed and be proactive about his neurodiversity. If he refuses to do this, it’s time to go. You have two young children, one with additional needs, you don’t need a giant man-baby sapping your energy too.