Is it worth ending an unhappy marriage because of this or is it easier to stay?

[Isitworththat]

DH and I have been together for 11 years, married for 8 and we have 2 DC aged 7 and 5. We’re early 30s for context so yes, we got together very young which may play a part. Sorry if this is long and convoluted.

We basically have no chemistry, passion, lust or spark anymore. I don’t know if this is just normal and happens to most after a decade+ but I miss that energy an awful lot. No idea whether it can be reignited. We have very little time for one another- both busy at work and then any spare time we have, we plough into DC. We don’t go out much because we don’t really have reliable childcare and I may be paranoid but wouldn’t trust a stranger. We go out maybe twice a year when MIL or DM are willing to take the reins (both make excuses a lot not to).

Probably bigger than this is the resentment I feel towards him. He’s incredibly self-centred. To be fair to him, this is probably why he’s been so successful career wise but in a marriage, it isn’t beneficial whatsoever. He rabbits on and on and on about himself all of the time, his favourite topic is work and if it isn’t this, it will be something he’s currently fixated on. At the minute it’s AI, in the past we’ve had venture capital and corrosion. It’s just boring and I shut off. Worst thing is, he’s self aware enough to realise this but still continues.

He doesn’t really help much around the house or with DC at all. The ‘life admin’ tasks are almost all on me. He wouldn’t have a clue if it was non uniform day, parents evening, decorate a spoon, world book day, Easter bonnet day, nativity day, school trips etc. He just has no interest really above anything else. I do all of the shitty jobs I hate like meal planning and online food shops. I make sure DC have everything they need. Even when it’s bath and bedtime, I pretty much do all of the legwork while he fannies around on his phone. I also do 95% of the housework and cooking. He would never do any of it spontaneously, I always have to ask. I plan all weekend activities too. I stopped doing this last year in protest to see what would happen, we just never went anywhere…

There’s other things too like I don’t eat meat, he does and he leaves it in the fridge to go rancid and make the fridge smell like shit. I then have to throw it away which makes me feel ill. He leaves his contact lens packets on the side of the bath every single day until they accumulate and start falling into the bath. He leaves his wet dirty towels and pants ON THE BED. Things like this.

Plus he forgets everything all of the time. If I don’t prompt him 10000 times, he’ll forget. He says he just has a really poor working memory which may be true but it’s frustrating nevertheless. If I ask him, for example, to collect a parcel on his way home 9/10 he will forget. Last night he was away with work and I assumed he was coming home early to drop DC at breakfast club as he has in the past (I started work early so couldn’t). I got a drunken text at 10pm to say he’d completely forgotten but that MIL could luckily help, he was unable to get home to drop them.

I just find it all deeply unattractive. As a result, I’m considering leaving but I know the grass isn’t always greener and there’s reasons to stay. Financially mostly, I earn well too but we’re much stronger together. Youngest DC has mild SEN, I worry about damaging his development in some way. DH isn’t abusive, he doesn’t cheat, he’s generally a good father and kind. Is that enough reason to stay? Are there ways to work through all of this?

Sounds a truly awful set up for you. You are so young, the prize on offer is as minimum no longer having to live with this useless man, and at best, the opportunity to find a fulfilling relationship where you dont need to put up with any of this rubbish for many decades to come. Or an enjoyable single life if you so desire. Go for it.

I am normally in the work-at-it-for-the-kids camp but tbh he sounds like a useless fucker who is very likely never going to muck in with family life. You’re still young - don’t waste your life on someone who uses you to give themselves an easy life.

my husabnd refuses to be assessed too

my husabnd refuses to be assessed and I ended up having a horrific catastrophic breakdwon

"If I ask him to get 5 things from the shop, he will generally forget at least 1."

I would too if I didn't have a list. Why doesn't he write them down?

He is kind in the sense he isn’t abusive, he doesn’t mistreat me, he doesn’t actively go out of his way to harm any of us. He doesn’t go out drinking or go to the gym for five hours a night like some people’s husbands I’ve read about on here do.

Your positives sound neutral at best to me. He's not as bad as some of the husbands that wives come to forums to complain about.

Would your life actually be easier if you left him?

Do you realise that leaving all the chores, life admin and childcare to one person is actually abusive? Do you know that women who juddgle work and everything else alone are under constant stress and are more prone to depression, anxiety, autoimmune diseases, illness and later in life more serious menopausal symptoms?
Women need to realy wake up to the fact that relaxing at the cost of another person's expense is NOT NORMAL, it's not just what "most men do" because they are men and "can't see the mess" or better yet because they are probably "autistic"!

You need to make it very clear to your husband that the set up you have right now is massively beneficial to him yet literally damagingto you. You need to ask him if he's OK knowing he's prioritising himself at the expense of the wellbeing of his wife and mother of his children. Because we can all agree men should protect women not harm them and right now he is harming you. So he either commits to change or you will know where you stand. Then make your own decision whether you want to be with someone who is not willing to make little changes to protect you from harm.

I’m so sorry you had to deal with this @LucyLoo1972, are you recovering now? These blinkered men have no idea how abusive and damaging their behaviour is.

I ended up in psychosis and I lost absolutely everything. everything. I even have disabilities now

not really - it was nine years ago and I lost absolutely everythign I had

I felt so so much guilt because of our sex life and it turns out it was nt even unusual. I went into psychosis and lost everything I had worked for and even mop physical health. I had got a phd form an elite university and id worked to get there from a background of poverty and trauma

He is kind in the sense he isn’t abusive, he doesn’t mistreat me, he doesn’t actively go out of his way to harm any of us. He doesn’t go out drinking or go to the gym for five hours a night like some people’s husbands I’ve read about on here do.

I could lend you a spade and you could dig a hole and set your bar even lower…

Don’t go down the route of thinking just because he doesn’t beat you and you’ve been together a long time that this is as good as it needs to be.

Cut your losses and leave.

You’ll still be doing all the housework and mental work but you’ll be free of looking after a selfish man-child and the burden of the resentment that goes with it.

Have you had any support to try to help you recover?

He's doing ok at work because he is heavily masking. 99,9%ADHD.

yes - I have had so much mental health treatment and see a clinical psychologist weekly which costs us nearly a thousand pounds a month or not dfar off

I'm sorry to say I think all hetero men are like this. I don't know many who aren't. There is an occasional one but generally the heterosexual relationship contract seems to be: the man commits to her, provides finances and fathers kids and in exchange she becomes a virtual slave to him,the household and said kids. I don't know many hetero couples where this isn't the unspoken deal.

Perhaps wait until the children are older, build your own career, support network and the families finances so then you don't really need him for either of the above.

That gives you alot of time to plan your exit and be financially and mentally strong with a great support network when you leave him. You could wait until your oldest is 18. That gives you 7 full years to make him redundant.

You've married a boring teenager.

he sounds like a man from Victorian times.

This was what I feared, I thought I wouldn’t manage on my own with my children, but actually it was the opposite. Once I removed the useless man from our lives we didn’t just ‘manage’ we were all happier. A man like this is a drain on your physical and mental energy, you may think being a lone parent is going to be hard, (and it is in many ways) but it’s easier in a lot of ways because you only have to look after yourself and the children. The only thing I regret about removing a deadweight like @Isitworththat‘s husband was that I didn’t do it sooner.