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Original poster

Partner loves to wind me up.

71 replies

TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 11:46

I created this account just to ask about this because I don't really want to talk to friends about it in real life.As i'm a bit embarrassed.

My partner of three years is a wind up merchant. I'm not the only person he does this to.

He has mentioned with an ex that they used to wind each other up - in other words, I think that means he used to wind her up. He seemed to suggest that the winding up caused issues in their relationship and yet he does it with me.

He is likely on the autistic spectrum. So he does miss social cues, a lot of the time.

But we've been together long enough that he know the things I don't find funny.

Whenever I pull him up he says it's just a joke. Therefore, things he's wound me up about for months on end constantly.And I finally lost my temper, and only then did he stop. It's like a game of whack a mole because as soon as I get him to stop winding me up about something something else, pops up.And he focuses on that instead.

When it's not things I enjoy, it's just constantly with little things. for example, when we are on a train back from our holiday there wasn't room in my bag for the cakes I had bought ... he said in a mocking voice, if you forget them, i'm going to send you a video of me eating then and laughing. I snapped at him and took them back.

He didn't understand why I was so angry, but it is constant silly little wind ups all the time, and it's driving me crazy again, against the backdrop of the bigger windups that are longer term.

I feel as if sometimes I can't have an adult conversation with him.He has to work in a taunt or a wind up. He also tells me weird things that aren't true. He makes something up to see if I'll believe it or not. And if I hesitate and say hang on, that's not true.He gets really annoyed that he wasn't able to make me believe it.

We reached a turning point at new year when he was doing it again.And I said, i'm not taking this into another year it stops now. I also had to start winding them up back about something that was really dear to him to make him realise how annoying it was.And he got extremely defensive. He took my point and he stopped doing it.But he does say to me now that he is trying his best not to wind me up.

Does he really have to try his best?Not to antagonise me?

What I haven't told him is just how badly it's affected me.My feelings for him have been greatly affected.And I feel very differently towards him now. I don't know necessarily want to break up.But it has really got my guard up with him. Slow realisation, that my boyfriends pleasure from sadistic wind ups was more important to him than how he was making me feel.

Any words of wisdom? How to move forward from this. Sorry for any typos or weird words.I'm dyslexic and use speech recognition.

OP posts:
something2say · 04/02/2026 11:49

Hiya. I can feel your irritation from here!!

I'm afraid for me he would kill the feeling. I hate being wound up, it's stupid and immature. You are not wrong. Time with him sounds annoying and irritating.

Do you fancy him?

Me personally, I would be daydreaming about life after him. How do you feel?

Bananalanacake · 04/02/2026 11:50

You will get lots of Dump him suggestions, but I suggest you go 'yeah, uum'
and walk off next time, don't give him the reaction he so craves.

Original poster
TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 11:50

something2say · 04/02/2026 11:49

Hiya. I can feel your irritation from here!!

I'm afraid for me he would kill the feeling. I hate being wound up, it's stupid and immature. You are not wrong. Time with him sounds annoying and irritating.

Do you fancy him?

Me personally, I would be daydreaming about life after him. How do you feel?

See, this is the problem. I used a really fancy him. I used to be un able to wait until we were meeting in the evening and my face lit up when I saw him.

We don't live together.

But my feelings for him have just crashed. And burned, and even though he's agreed to stop winding me up.Seen how annoyed it made me and stop doing it.I can't forget it.

I don't know if that will change in time but I really don't know how I feel about him anymore.

OP posts:
Bonkers1966 · 04/02/2026 11:50

Sorry OP. I think this relationship has run its course. He is a bit of a dickhead and it's no wonder you have lost feelings. Think of how pleasant your life would be without this nonsense. Please consider your future.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2026 11:51

He’s a nasty bully who doesn’t seem to like you. Why would you choose to stay with someone so fucking horrible? I don’t care if he might be autistic, I don’t care if he claims his ex was as stupid, I care that his deliberate nastiness is making you unhappy. You should care too! Dump him.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/02/2026 11:52

You don't like him.

Why are you with him?

Original poster
TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 11:52

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2026 11:51

He’s a nasty bully who doesn’t seem to like you. Why would you choose to stay with someone so fucking horrible? I don’t care if he might be autistic, I don’t care if he claims his ex was as stupid, I care that his deliberate nastiness is making you unhappy. You should care too! Dump him.

Well, his ex their Relationship only lasted a fraction of the amount of times that ours had.

She wasn't that into him anyway. Because she was still involved with her. Ex although he trusts (naively) that nothing happened when they were together. This is beside the point, but it was a different situation with his ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 11:53

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/02/2026 11:52

You don't like him.

Why are you with him?

I've gone off that part of him.But we still have all the other stuff outside of that.Our hobbies and our interests together and all the things we do together.I still get pleasure from spending time with him in that respect.

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/02/2026 11:54

TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 11:53

I've gone off that part of him.But we still have all the other stuff outside of that.Our hobbies and our interests together and all the things we do together.I still get pleasure from spending time with him in that respect.

Show quote history

So you like everything except his personality.

Isn't that kind of the important bit?

Original poster
TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 11:56

He does seem to have taken on board.Just how badly it's impacted me.And he doesn't do it anymore.

It's not as if he's beyond hope. It's just my feelings about him to get to this point are mixed.

I've told him the fact that I ever had to ask him more than once to stop doing something that he knew was really making me angry, spoke volumes about who he is.

He did actually look embarrassed and he has apologised, so I don't know if this is something that is worth sticking with.

It's not as if he's the kind of partner that's completely beyond redemption.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 04/02/2026 11:58

Do not move in with this man or have children with him.

Honestly, this will only get worse and worse. He sounds like he does not love you and you don't love him. You have a friendship with him that you would miss if you broke up but honestly I think that is what you need to do. Stop focusing on his ex and their relationship.

pinkyredrose · 04/02/2026 12:00

Ditch him and find a grown up to date.

Mydahliasareshit · 04/02/2026 12:01

Can you develop a slow, hard stare, which you maintain with a certain amount of derision for a few moments, before softly saying one word
Eg- Dick
Pathetic
No
Dull
Enough
And then go about your business doing something else, or back to your book or whatever.

Original poster
TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 12:02

Mydahliasareshit · 04/02/2026 12:01

Can you develop a slow, hard stare, which you maintain with a certain amount of derision for a few moments, before softly saying one word
Eg- Dick
Pathetic
No
Dull
Enough
And then go about your business doing something else, or back to your book or whatever.

That's a really good suggestion.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 04/02/2026 12:03

Tell him what you've said here. All the wind ups have killed off your feelings for him. If he shares your hobbies you can still see him there, but why spend time day in day out with someone who keeps trying to annoy you? Literally what is the point of it?

Bonkers1966 · 04/02/2026 12:10

Very few of us are beyond redemption, OP. That's not really the issue any more. A cold hard wave of reality has washed over him after years of mental mind games. There's a part of him that suspects you are done and you are right to be done. He is working on the assumption that if he stops for a while, you will forgive and forget and all will be well. Once things have settled down, he will start again. He won't be able to help himself any more than a dog can just stop barking.

RosaMundi27 · 04/02/2026 12:11

He sounds really needy and attention-seeking, and a bit sadistic (imo). My fear would be if you ever had children, that he would start the cycle up again.
Could you encourage him to maybe getting some help about his way of communicating? It's not normal and it's certainly not funny.

Original poster
TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 12:11

Bonkers1966 · 04/02/2026 12:10

Very few of us are beyond redemption, OP. That's not really the issue any more. A cold hard wave of reality has washed over him after years of mental mind games. There's a part of him that suspects you are done and you are right to be done. He is working on the assumption that if he stops for a while, you will forgive and forget and all will be well. Once things have settled down, he will start again. He won't be able to help himself any more than a dog can just stop barking.

I will see how I feel at that point.In that case.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 04/02/2026 12:17

TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 11:53

I've gone off that part of him.But we still have all the other stuff outside of that.Our hobbies and our interests together and all the things we do together.I still get pleasure from spending time with him in that respect.

Show quote history

But it prevents you from finding someone you could completely love and trust. That is the hidden cost of keeping him. He’s a wind up merchant, a bully, and a tedious, facetious, fool. You can do better.

Original poster
TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 12:19

RosaMundi27 · 04/02/2026 12:11

He sounds really needy and attention-seeking, and a bit sadistic (imo). My fear would be if you ever had children, that he would start the cycle up again.
Could you encourage him to maybe getting some help about his way of communicating? It's not normal and it's certainly not funny.

Children aren't an issue. I've conceded defeat on them in my forties, and he's never wanted them. He's nothing to do with my decision not to have children.I was already getting too old when I met him.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 04/02/2026 12:23

Many years ago my mother advised me to marry a man whose faults I could put up with. It was good advice.

This is who he is. He can't change or won't change. Either way this is who he is.

Can you put up with this forever? Are all the other things about him worth it?

Can you develop a slow, hard stare, which you maintain with a certain amount of derision for a few moments, before softly saying one word
Eg- Dick
Pathetic
No
Dull
Enough
And then go about your business doing something else, or back to your book or whatever.

This is pretty good advice for getting your point across. But is this how you want to live/be in a relationship? Most of us don't have to develop a slow hard stare and mutter Dick to our loved one.

Original poster
TheLovingReader · 04/02/2026 12:26

Haven't had especially good luck in the dating world. And now that i'm in my forties, I do have to consider what I will get if I end this relationship. Internet dating is dire. I don't really meet anyone in real life. Anymore, and he has been there for me with other things. There I won't go into because it's outing.And as a newbie, i'm still a bit paranoid.

Of my previous relationships, three of them cheated, a handful of them just led me on and left, when they found someone they really wanted.

Only ever come across one man in my entire life who I could happily say I can live with you.There are no deal breakers- he was strong mature and hard working. He had a sense of humour, but it wasn't merciless taunts and wind ups. He went ahead and cheated, and now he's married her.And had children with her, and I'll never have them.

Everyone has to consider when they leave a relationship.What's the alternative. Quote like having someone to go on dates with and do nice things with and he does take me lots of lovely places.

Maybe that's all it's meant to be now. Maybe that's all i'm meant to get

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 04/02/2026 12:27

I just wanted to say, OP, that I know exactly what you mean.

My DH is autistic and cannot resist little pranks and tricks and wind ups. Things like I’ll ask him to pass me something and he’ll hold it out and then pull it away at the last second.

It is like an impulse he can’t resist but also his greatest joy in life. He is so fucking pleased with himself when he manages to trick me or prank me in these tiny, constant, infuriating ways.

I find it exhaustingly irritating and I feel constantly on edge and also like I’m married to a 12-year-old.

GoldDuster · 04/02/2026 12:27

I can see lots of sentences where you say you don't feel the same about him, you're not sure if you want to be with him, and you've gone off him.

Why do you want to stay with him? What are you getting from the relationship?

explanationplease · 04/02/2026 12:29

He like the joke to be on you, not with you.

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