Partner loves to wind me up.

[TheLovingReader]

I created this account just to ask about this because I don't really want to talk to friends about it in real life.As i'm a bit embarrassed.

My partner of three years is a wind up merchant. I'm not the only person he does this to.

He has mentioned with an ex that they used to wind each other up - in other words, I think that means he used to wind her up. He seemed to suggest that the winding up caused issues in their relationship and yet he does it with me.

He is likely on the autistic spectrum. So he does miss social cues, a lot of the time.

But we've been together long enough that he know the things I don't find funny.

Whenever I pull him up he says it's just a joke. Therefore, things he's wound me up about for months on end constantly.And I finally lost my temper, and only then did he stop. It's like a game of whack a mole because as soon as I get him to stop winding me up about something something else, pops up.And he focuses on that instead.

When it's not things I enjoy, it's just constantly with little things. for example, when we are on a train back from our holiday there wasn't room in my bag for the cakes I had bought ... he said in a mocking voice, if you forget them, i'm going to send you a video of me eating then and laughing. I snapped at him and took them back.

He didn't understand why I was so angry, but it is constant silly little wind ups all the time, and it's driving me crazy again, against the backdrop of the bigger windups that are longer term.

I feel as if sometimes I can't have an adult conversation with him.He has to work in a taunt or a wind up. He also tells me weird things that aren't true. He makes something up to see if I'll believe it or not. And if I hesitate and say hang on, that's not true.He gets really annoyed that he wasn't able to make me believe it.

We reached a turning point at new year when he was doing it again.And I said, i'm not taking this into another year it stops now. I also had to start winding them up back about something that was really dear to him to make him realise how annoying it was.And he got extremely defensive. He took my point and he stopped doing it.But he does say to me now that he is trying his best not to wind me up.

Does he really have to try his best?Not to antagonise me?

What I haven't told him is just how badly it's affected me.My feelings for him have been greatly affected.And I feel very differently towards him now. I don't know necessarily want to break up.But it has really got my guard up with him. Slow realisation, that my boyfriends pleasure from sadistic wind ups was more important to him than how he was making me feel.

Any words of wisdom? How to move forward from this. Sorry for any typos or weird words.I'm dyslexic and use speech recognition.

Because i'm also a bit depressed at the moment about other things. I've had a major bereavement, not a huge amount of time ago. More than a year.

I am experiencing a very sharp decrease in interest in everything that would normally bring me joy.

Can't tell if it's the depression talking or if i've really just gone off him.

I should say that about two months before this, we went on a lovely holiday together.And we had an absolutely amazing time. I loved his company.

I can't tell if it's just my mild depression talking.And if everything's got too much.

I do tend to get seasonal affective disorder as well⁹

That sometimes how I feel.

If you don't mind me asking was he always like that?Or did he not start that until after you were married.

That is it exactly. He looks so very pleased with himself when he manages to get one over on me. Even just something silly and inocuous.

I don't think he will change and that you should dump him.

I've noticed a pattern with certain men who wind women up a lot and I'm sure they do it to "put them in their place" and feel like the superior male. My dad used to do it a lot - make his wife and daughters the butt of the joke but he wouldn't let up. So if you tried to brush it off or laugh it off he would just keep on and on until you lost your temper or snapped back. Then you'd get lofty mutterings about women having no sense of humour,bno fun, being illogical, being hormonal, pity anyone who has to put up with you etc.

I may be projecting of course!

Most have said it's not worth staying with this partner and I'd say the same. But you obviously don't see it as clear cut as that from your posts. If you want to try and make it work then it has to be because you want to be with him. Not because you don't want to be on your own or you think there is nobody else for you. That will just end up making you unhappy as the good things will shrink away and negative things dominate.
If you want to give it a chance then you have to have thouse boundaries of bevaviour set very clear and mean them. The problem is even when someone changes their behaviour that has been the issue for a partner, it is very hard and rare to go back to how you originally felt. Overtime you sort of can but it is not the same, but if it's got to posting on here about you change of feelings it's really unlikely you will get those original feelings back.
It really is best to move on when this happens.

He doesn't make a joke about women having no sense of humour.He just says something like you shouldn't take what I say too seriously. So he minimises it.

He does also wind up other colleagues and other people.In his life and tells me about it.And I used to have a bit of a giggle with him about it. But before, I really started getting annoyed with his winding up of me.

So going forward?I'm not engaging him and i'm not encouraging him to wind up other people either. If he wants to do it, he can.It's for them to tell him to fuck off, but i'm not encouraging him or listening to any stories about it anymore.

Weirdly with one of his friends, he said he only still winds them up because they don't respond to it. Refused to engage in it, and they completely ignore him about it. He said he only makes the joke because they ignore it. To second, they responded to it, he'd never do it again.He just wants the reaction. It bothered me at his age.He's still like this.

I cannot imagine staying in a friendship with someone who did this to me all the time, @TheLovingReader - never mind staying in a relationship! It sounds as if he has killed your affection for him.

You say you haven’t had the best history of romance - but if you stay with the wrong person, you are shutting the door to the chance of finding the right person, imo.

It's only a joke if everybody's laughing.

Deliberately winding someone up, making jokes at their expense, needling, antagonism and 'banter' are all tactics used by bullies & abusers. Especially if they then make out it's your fault because you are 'too sensitive' or 'can't take a joke', and then persistently continue to needle you anyway.

It is really unpleasant and nasty behaviour. Whether he is on the autism spectrum is totally irrelevant, and even if he is, it does not mean that you have to put up with this shitty behaviour towards you.

Please think carefully about whether you want to stay in this relationship. He is not going to change his personality. He enjoys it too much. Whatever you do or say, you won't be able to make him stop this revolting behaviour.

Yeah, but I have loads of friends still on the dating scene and a wide variety of age groups. I have friends and acquaintances and work colleagues.Anything from twenties up to fifties.

All really struggling with finding a partner. Even an attractive young friend of mine, who is only in her late thirties and gorgeous... She can't find anyone to go out on a date with her.And when she does it last a couple of days and crashes and burns. It's just so hard.

Before I met this guy, I had so many pen pals people who didn't want to talk one date and nothing. Ghostings.

I don't know what to do anymore.I like his company enough that I don't want to lose it.I just dont know if I can recover from this.

OP,

I've read all of your replies and tbh you sound quite down, and too young to give up on life.

I wonder if you are irritated and saddened because this is all you think there is, based on all you've had so far?

In accepting that, you are closing the door to anything else, and retaining control to your own detriment.

Far better to answer the call of your heart, ditch him, feel better, start thinking about your own life and fulfilment and get out there. Writing your life off in your forties is no way to live.

There is FAR better out there. Believe it and stop settling because you're scared.

Yes, you've pretty much summed me up perfectly there.

You sound like a very insightful person and thank you very much for your kindness.

The actual definition of The Ick.
Like shagging the class clown.
No thanks.
Bin him off.
Get a dcat.
Much better.

I sympathise re the slim pickings re online dating, from personal experience. It's a bit of a crapshoot. I know several couples who met online and are still together, but it's really not easy.
You only told him in January 'no more', so it's early days to see if he can stick to it.
Also, if you are suffering from SAD, that won't help how you are feeling in general.
Plus your grief from the bereavement you suffered not that long ago.
And you really enjoyed your holiday with him.

So I would give it a little more time, don't rush into a decision now to dump him. See if he can maintain the no pranks thing, see if you rebuild your attraction to him as lighter days and better weather come. Reevaluate then.
Good luck 💐

Good grief how irritating, is he 13?
Time to give him the heave-ho and find someone who doesnt behave like an immature school kid

I'd end it, that sounds so childish and exhausting. I'm irritated for you 😁

Op, this man's comfort comes at the expense of your discomfort. Think about that.

You might have SAD, or depression, or whatever. But that's not what's surfacing here. You have a DP problem. And I'd wager that as soon as you've decided what to do about him, other aspects of your life will feel lighter.

A wise ex-colleague of mine once said if something didn't make him happy more than 40% of the time, he noped out. He left a mediocre marriage (for different reasons ofc), but his logic sticks with me. No kids, btw, he just wasn't happy with her. I can't imagine she was happy with him, either.

I know it's bleak on those dating streets. I know the amazing holiday and the good times act like a smokescreen for his less-than-stellar behaviour. But believe me, being unaccompanied is so much better than accepting scraps from the wind-up merchant's table. You can cope and you WILL. He'll drag you to his level until you're a walking mass of irritation. From reading your post, it sounds like that's already happening.

Ask yourself: if his behaviour didn't change in 6 months, could you accept that the good outweighs the bad? Or would you feel even more aggrieved? What percentage of your time is he truly making you happy - and where is he willing to adjust?

I think you can do better, even if you're single for a while.

If he's not right, he's not right. As you live separately (thank goodness) you can create some space and work on your own wellbeing. Maybe consider some counselling but please don't settle for a lousy relationship because it's better than being on your own.
I know a couple of lovely women who only married later in life - so it is possible!!

I was just going to post more or less what @something2say has posted. I agree.
You sound very down and you also sound as if your self esteem is low. You deserve better than this from a friend, and far better from a life partner.
He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't treat you with kindness and care. What he's doing is about putting you down, diminishing your worth and making himself feel better at your expense. He's the funny one, he has the last word, you're a bit of a fool.
It's tough, but you need to have a better life, so ending it with this man could be a new beginning .💐

He makes something up to see if I'll believe it or not. And if I hesitate and say hang on, that's not true.He gets really annoyed that he wasn't able to make me believe it

This is really disturbing and abnormal behaviour. Bending reality and gaslighting you, he’s treating your mind and nervous system as a playground for his own twisted amusement.

You’ve described a long term pattern of him feeding off people’s reactions and the behaviour repeating across multiple people. This man likes upsetting people and referring to it as “winding up” is really downplaying what he’s doing.

You shouldn’t stay with him because you fear not meeting anyone else. It’s perfectly fine to be single, and I wonder what the social consequences are for you being partnered with someone like this.

Better to be on your own than to be badly accompanied. He is not good for you at all and who says he is on an ASD spectrum anyway?. Even if he was autistic it’s still no excuse for his behaviour. Do not settle for him out of fear of being alone. You are selling yourself short here.

Not if you want a long term / respectful / loving relationship, it isn't.

He says he is autistic. Self diagnosed of course.

He also has ocd and describes himself as highly introverted.

I met dh when i was 41. Your future isn't over because of your age.
Your future is bleaker staying with a numpty..

He's not the funny one though.

No one else seems to find him funny. He suggested his ex and winding up was a factor.

He refers to colleagues and friends having a problem with it.

this is quite outing, but he said he made a joke at a colleague at a christmas party and he threatened to smash his face in for it. Alcohol was involved, but still I wasn't surprised somebody had threatened to punch his face in for a joke he made.

Believe meHe isn't the endearing class clown at my expense.Nobody seems to like it and they can see him for what he is.

Plenty of autistic, introverted people and those with ocd manage to have loving and respectful relationships. That's not an excuse to treat others badly.
In life you can make a decision to treat others as you wish to be treated, to live with positivity and care or you can be an arrogant, self centred bully. He's chosen the latter.

He also tells me weird things that aren't true. He makes something up to see if I'll believe it or not.

Why are you with someone who deliberately lies to you? Decent relationships are built on trust and honesty and you have neither and never will. Walk away.