Partner loves to wind me up.

[TheLovingReader]

I created this account just to ask about this because I don't really want to talk to friends about it in real life.As i'm a bit embarrassed.

My partner of three years is a wind up merchant. I'm not the only person he does this to.

He has mentioned with an ex that they used to wind each other up - in other words, I think that means he used to wind her up. He seemed to suggest that the winding up caused issues in their relationship and yet he does it with me.

He is likely on the autistic spectrum. So he does miss social cues, a lot of the time.

But we've been together long enough that he know the things I don't find funny.

Whenever I pull him up he says it's just a joke. Therefore, things he's wound me up about for months on end constantly.And I finally lost my temper, and only then did he stop. It's like a game of whack a mole because as soon as I get him to stop winding me up about something something else, pops up.And he focuses on that instead.

When it's not things I enjoy, it's just constantly with little things. for example, when we are on a train back from our holiday there wasn't room in my bag for the cakes I had bought ... he said in a mocking voice, if you forget them, i'm going to send you a video of me eating then and laughing. I snapped at him and took them back.

He didn't understand why I was so angry, but it is constant silly little wind ups all the time, and it's driving me crazy again, against the backdrop of the bigger windups that are longer term.

I feel as if sometimes I can't have an adult conversation with him.He has to work in a taunt or a wind up. He also tells me weird things that aren't true. He makes something up to see if I'll believe it or not. And if I hesitate and say hang on, that's not true.He gets really annoyed that he wasn't able to make me believe it.

We reached a turning point at new year when he was doing it again.And I said, i'm not taking this into another year it stops now. I also had to start winding them up back about something that was really dear to him to make him realise how annoying it was.And he got extremely defensive. He took my point and he stopped doing it.But he does say to me now that he is trying his best not to wind me up.

Does he really have to try his best?Not to antagonise me?

What I haven't told him is just how badly it's affected me.My feelings for him have been greatly affected.And I feel very differently towards him now. I don't know necessarily want to break up.But it has really got my guard up with him. Slow realisation, that my boyfriends pleasure from sadistic wind ups was more important to him than how he was making me feel.

Any words of wisdom? How to move forward from this. Sorry for any typos or weird words.I'm dyslexic and use speech recognition.

I'm made that sound more ominous than it was.

It's silly stuff in the moment.

Start deliberate at lies that have been maintained.It's more like telling stories.

Yes but it's giving him power and control because you appear to be a fool for believing it.

No, he was completely different until we lived together & got married. Very lively and engaged and respectful. And once we were settled down the fun project of a relationship was complete for him and he moved on to a series of other obsessive hobbies, and I became kind of like an extra in the laugh-track 70s sitcom that is the filter through which he experiences daily life (when he’s not ranting about politics).

He only reached peak silliness after we had our DC.

Our DC is PDA, and this helps me understand DH’s behaviour as a form of ‘equalising’ - he can only comply with a ‘demand’ or request, like passing me my coffee mug, if he ‘equalises’ by pulling it away at the last minute and making a joke of it.

It’s something he seems to have to do in order to participate collaboratively in family life - I’ll compromise my autonomy to do this thing you ask of me that’s neither my idea nor exactly what I’d prefer to be doing at this moment, but I’ll do it my way, or I’ll do it in a way that also takes some autonomy from you, so we’re even.

My comment still stands. A decent relationship is built on honesty and trust. There is none in yours. Get out.

This, exactly.
Please listen to what we're saying, OP.

You sound lovely but very down.
Understandably.
He actually could really be contributing negatively to your poor mental health.
He's a bit of a moron.
I've worked with idiots a bit like him and they were quietly avoided.
He's actually all about himselfand what he wants.

For the moment back away.
Be a lot less available.
Only see him f you actually really want to.
Slowly detach.
Thank god you aren't living with it.

Don't settle for an idiot, you deserve so much more.
And he really is an idiot and more than a bit sad with it.

Grieving is very very hard.
Be kind to yourself.

Oh OP, every minute you're giving to this relationship you're not spending on yourself, your life and the possibility of meeting someone who makes your heart dance.

You deserve better, really.

What's that saying about 'don't cling to a mistake, just because you spent a long time making it'?

TBH he sounds like an extremely irritating bellend. This behaviour would drive me to murder.

So he is unlikely to be anywhere on an ASD spectrum
if he is self diagnosed.

He is not a project and you can and should walk away before your self esteem further plummets at his hands.

I don't have any family left though. Parents gone no children.They're strange from siblings due to abuse.

I'll be alone with nobody.

Better to be on your own than to be with someone like this man. Being with Mr Wrong here is doing you no good at all.

You will be better on your own. You can be your own person and start to live a more positive life. Please don't think that living with this man is your best option. It's eroding you.

Ask him why he enjoys upsetting people. Why he gets pleasure and satisfaction from it.

You will clear the way for more positive connections. You will have peace.

Get rid. Honestly, you've got one short life, it's not to be spent dealing with bullshit like this from some juvenile halfwit.

My autistic partner has annoying communication habits like this. I have been assertive in challenging him and it has got better. As an example he would “tease” me when my young nephew visited us. I put a stop to that because my parents had that dynamic and it frankly felt a bit like bullying at times growing up. I don’t want to repeat that dynamic with him and any future children we might conceive.

Luckily my partner does apologise and intend to change. When I began being assertive with him I would then see him catch himself and stop before he spoke. I think it’s poor communication style and a habit which people can train themselves out of. I expect it is more common with autistics as communication and social reciprocity is a challenge.

I’ve also experienced feeling the ick with him - for other reasons - but as time passed and my feelings settled I grew to love and fancy him again.

Hope my perspective / experience is useful to consider alongside everyone else’s.

I really recommend the book "How Not To Die Alone" - jokey title but a lot of really good sensible and sensitive advice about dating. I know OLD is horrible but you don't come across as happy with this man and a bad date with a man you can leave and come home and be glad to be rid of is a lot better than coming home feeling trapped and despondent.

Whether you stay with this one and hope he changes or decide to stick it out is your choice but please don't make it assuming there are no other options for you.

This is key: my boyfriends pleasure from sadistic wind ups was more important to him than how he was making me feel. IS his personal pleasure (which makes life less pleasant for just about everyone around him) really more important to him than your dignity, your comfort and security in your relationship and your basic ability to trust your partner's word? If so, why?

If you feel you can't risk leaving this person and possibly being single for a while, then either find a way to get him to stop the most annoying behaviour (you can let the little stuff go), or completely ignore the bad behaviour and see if that starves it of energy. (This is a waste of YOUR time and energy, but that's your choice.)

Here's what I'd probably try if I were genuinely stuck in your situation:

1. Request that he get a proper diagnosis of the issues he claims to have, and learn about and seriously consider the options for getting help with managing them. (While his health is his business, his issues are directly and negatively impacting you and the relationship.) If he will not do this, don't entertain any further reference to his self-diagnoses. If he HAS issues, it's still his responsibility to manage them as well as he can with the resources available and not recklessly hurt someone he's supposed to love.
2. With jibes like the cakes thing, perhaps let it go. It's silly but some people would consider it banter; the reason why it's different here is because only one of you finds it funny. If he keeps harping on it, tell him the joke has run its course and then tune him out completely until he stops; don't react.
3. About the long, elaborate false "stories' - don't believe anything he tells you without proof, and make it clear you don't and won't. If he values the relationship even on an everyday practical level he'll soon find a way to let you know when he's being serious.
4. IF you really believe he wants to change but doesn't always sense when he's crossing into weird behaviour, considering a pre-agreed way to tell him when he's becoming annoying, like a safe word. That way you don't have to get into long tedious discussions over nothing, but he has a little help with the grey areas if he can't always see them himself.

I’m not really sure what “winding you up” means. But what you describe is bullying.

This ⬆️. It's really not as gentle or good humoured as a "wind up".
Don't live like this.

Then you make sure you’re not alone. You make friends with other women and find a supportive community. There are millions of women who choose to be single who lead happy fulfilling lives. I’ve been single for a long time and I have no intention of that changing.

His behaviour must be isolating you.