Advice needed

[GiddyHazelDreamer]

In desperate need of some dating advice, please! I'll Try and keep this short. First time poster.

I am a single mum and have been talking to a lovely guy for just over a month. He is absolutely amazing, we get on so well and have spoken non stop since we first started chatting. We are both in our 30s and have been very direct and open with what we want from life etc and all matches up really well. We have been on 2 dates but hadn't had a chance to have anymore due to childcare issues my end which he said he had no issue with.

He was very full on with the compliments etc and I was a little more reserved due to being in a bad relationship previously and it being my first time ever online dating since I split from my kids dad 2years ago. On Friday we came to abit of an impasse where he said he wasn't sure if he could deal with my pessimism around compliments etc and I told him it had only been a month and I just needed a bit more time to fully feel confident and safe in accepting his feelings, rather than him just being someone palyong games. He then said it was done and went no contact and I am absolutely devastated. He ticked all the boxes and we had so much in common. I don't feel like I've been "love bombed" or anything like that. Just one of those situations of when you know you know. As far as I can tell he hasn't blocked me on what's app but did unmatch from me on OLD. Would it be considered compeltely stalkerish to reach out to him in maybe a few days? Or would you just let it be the end?

Any advice greatly appreciated. Don't want to come across as some creepy stalker if he has said its done. But at the same time I don't feel like I'm ever going to meet someone like him again and think we could have a really great life together.

I could see how that might come across. From my point of view it was more of a protection and I don't know if I can fully trust what you're saying just yet and being genuine. As plenty of guys will say stuff just for attention / to get sex. I didnt want to be stupid enough to fall for that and accept it at face value that early on

No but the nature of my job has ties to the police and he said if I wanted to get a background check I could get one done for reassurance

Whilst I may be naive, I don't think he was necessarily a killer or child abuser (as some are strongly suggesting), but what I can tell is that someone who was "massively" into you over the cause of a month, including two 8 hour dates has abruptly ended it and ceased all contact. That hot and cold nature is not something worth pursuing. For it to immediately end like that tells you all you need to know, you're not compatible and it's an experience you've come out of safely (without any harm) and can learn from.

Your not a moron hun x

Chat for 48 hours. Sort a day date. Short and sweet. If they cant meet within a week move on.
Message and talk on phone yes, but nothing personal/intimate yet.

Think.of everyone as a stranger til at least date 5. That way if they ghost you or you stop seeing them it doesn't matter.

Value you yourself above anytging else. Be clear about what you want. Don't settle.

Dont get confused with a real connection with a real.person built over time in real life, with one built on the phone/screen.

You don’t sound lonely a crazy person, just someone who isn’t ready to start a new relationship or maybe even not dating yet.

You are squinting at what happened through rose tinted glasses. He made you uncomfortable when complimenting you. If you are uncomfortable with compliments because of a previous bad relationship you aren’t ready to date. If he didn’t pick up on your discomfort and stop then he is not a kind or compassionate person.

With respect, it appears you invested way too much into one person.

A lot of online daters are speaking with/meeting multiple people at any one time.

Tip One - Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

It could be considered an unattractive trait to be unable to accept a compliment. It's better he ended it rather allowing you to become any more invested than you already were, but it doesn't deflect from the fact that he put a line under it so easily. See that and put it down to experience.

Tip Two - Practice accepting compliments. A simple 'thank you' is all you need to say. No more, no less. You don't need to believe what the person is saying to be true.

With regards to your question; If you really want to, reach out to him. You don't need people on the internet to give you permission, but beware, the general consensus of said internet people is don't do it. That's not a massive coincidence. He gave you lots of time and energy, and then he whipped it away as fast as he gave it. I couldn't trust somebody who did that.

Well I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you except maybe if somebody says something nice in the future just accept it! Nobody wants too much self deprecation. I think it’s natural to get excited about a potential relationship when online dating. Maybe he has just had a rethink about your children/lack of freedom. I would leave him be and chalk it down to the perils of online dating. Btw I met my hubby online 18 years ago and all good so just be yourself and don’t give up on it xxx

2 and a half years. I spent a while getting over my ex. Got myself a new home and job so I was financially stable etc. Was ready to start dating and investing time in myself. I spoke to people here and there online but nothing ever came of it until this one person.

You have done well moving forward with your life OP, now maybe have a read of the Dating thread on here and read the 'rules', they are all valid.
My advice would be to take things slowly and when dating meet as soon as possible just for a quick coffee, as a screening process. Long phone conversations or text messages in the early stages can lead to false intimacy, remember you don't know this person, they are a stranger and you need to protect yourself.
Your therapist was wrong to dismiss your low self esteem, l would choose another therapist if you do decide to return to have more.
Re this current guy, don't contact him, he's given his reasons though l expect your unavailability was the main deal breaker. In all probability he was most likely meeting others from the dating site as well as you and has decided to concentrate his efforts elsewhere.
Be mindful though that he will almost certainly come back after a few weeks hoping to suck you back in so be prepared for that. Oh and re compliments, too many are a red flag but if you receive the occasional one just a smile and a thank you is enough!

Hi lovely, just saw this, and sorry if I sounded critical about your low self esteem. It's not a "fault" - if anything it's a product of the horrible and unfair things that happened to you.

(And, to an extent, it may be just your personality? Some people are more confident than others, and actually people who love themselves TOO much can be pretty hard to like!)

In fact, even the phrase "low self esteem" makes it sound like it's something you are doing wrong. And it's not.

BUT, from my own personal experience, I have found dating and relationships SO much more easy and enjoyable since I worked on mine.

I wouldn't say I think I am great now! I have a pretty honest evaluation of my own strengths and weaknesses I like to think.

But I DO, for example, like my own company, like the way I look (especially when I make an effort, dress up, do my hair etc), and believe that I am absolutely worthy of someone else's time, attraction and compliments. I have got to the point where I expect men to like me and want to be with me (some men - not all, obviously!) and I do actually think that helps and makes a big difference - before I did the work, I actively used to swipe left on men I thought were too attractive and "out of my league". And when I did match with someone, I still found it hard to believe they would really want me for myself, I suspected they must have some ulterior motive for wanting to see me (it was really weird - there is nothing awful about me - I am a sane, intelligent, nice and decent looking woman for my age! But I had such a downer on myself.....)

This was why your post struck a chord with me - because I do remember a couple of exes actually complaining about the exact same thing your guy flagged up - that it was impossible to give me a compliment, because I would never accept it.....

I know you have tried therapy before, but there are so many different kinds. (Believe me - I have tried most of them!). Hypnotism actually helped me make a huge breakthrough and I would say was the start of me turning things around (I know it's not for everyone....)

And actually, spending some time dating really casually with NO commitment really helped me explore my sexuality and just have fun being myself, and helped me work on my prior belief that I needed someone else to complete me. Again, this wouldn't be for everyone, and of course you need to be careful if you have a young child, but it worked for me.

Also, everyone is obsessed with the idea you are going to be introducing guys into your kid's life - there is absolutely no need to! As long as you don't care for your child 100% of the time, it's entirely possible to date and never introduce that person to your kid - I have done this for about two years now, and even tho I see my current boyfriend relatively regularly, he just never comes over when DD is here, and that's fine. There are a lot of judgemental assumptions being made on this thread about mother's who also wants a romantic life and a sex life, I think. It's entirely possible to have both without jeaopardising your kids at all, as long as you are careful.

Anyway, that's a big long ramble from me, but OP, you sound like a lovely person - please don't be down heartened by what has happened with this guy. And please don't give up on therapy, if there are still things you would like to work on. Having therapy doesn't mean you are defective and mad - to me it means the absolute opposite, and I can't think of a single soul alive who wouldn't benefit from it myself!

Good luck. X
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