Advice needed

[GiddyHazelDreamer]

In desperate need of some dating advice, please! I'll Try and keep this short. First time poster.

I am a single mum and have been talking to a lovely guy for just over a month. He is absolutely amazing, we get on so well and have spoken non stop since we first started chatting. We are both in our 30s and have been very direct and open with what we want from life etc and all matches up really well. We have been on 2 dates but hadn't had a chance to have anymore due to childcare issues my end which he said he had no issue with.

He was very full on with the compliments etc and I was a little more reserved due to being in a bad relationship previously and it being my first time ever online dating since I split from my kids dad 2years ago. On Friday we came to abit of an impasse where he said he wasn't sure if he could deal with my pessimism around compliments etc and I told him it had only been a month and I just needed a bit more time to fully feel confident and safe in accepting his feelings, rather than him just being someone palyong games. He then said it was done and went no contact and I am absolutely devastated. He ticked all the boxes and we had so much in common. I don't feel like I've been "love bombed" or anything like that. Just one of those situations of when you know you know. As far as I can tell he hasn't blocked me on what's app but did unmatch from me on OLD. Would it be considered compeltely stalkerish to reach out to him in maybe a few days? Or would you just let it be the end?

Any advice greatly appreciated. Don't want to come across as some creepy stalker if he has said its done. But at the same time I don't feel like I'm ever going to meet someone like him again and think we could have a really great life together.

I agree. If you can’t be yourself around someone this early on in the relationship then He’s not worth it. You’d be walking on eggshells constantly wondering if you’ve said the right thing or not

@Ilovelurchers thank you. I do have low self esteem and always have, therapy has never helped. He was aware of this and the fact I'm quite shy and did everything to reassure me. I just don't think I communicated well enough that it would just take me a few weeks longer to get over this and feel confident enough that he wasn't just "playing a joke" on me as such. Hence why I was asking should I maybe reach out and see if he'd be willing to talk it through, even if it still ended with a no.

Don’t contact him op
if it wasn’t that he would have used some other excuse to end it . Just let this one go or you’ll regret lowering yourself and end up feeling even more shit

Would it be considered compeltely stalkerish to reach out to him in maybe a few days?

Yes. Don't do that. Yes, you would be coming across as unable to let go and take no for an answer. He's told you this is not going to work for him and he told you why.

But at the same time I don't feel like I'm ever going to meet someone like him again and think we could have a really great life together.

Two dates in and you have not one clue about what a life together with some dude you don't even know would be like. You have a fantasy and stuck this guy in it.

You sound like you really want emotional connection and a serious relationship but you really need to do some work on your low self esteem and boundaries before you try dating again.

Op you need to get yourself back in to therapy.

and sharpish

Some men expect the reaction of smooth compliments should mean swooning, gratitude and feeling so special. Being a bit savvy and not acting like a naive princess is absolutely the best thing you could do! Not saying he didn't mean them but some are experts in doing this. The first time I realised it was when one bloke had used the same 'you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen' on another woman the same night as I was going to the loo lol 😆

I have low self esteem due to a traumatic event in my past. My DP understands this and has never once tried to turn his compliments around by digging at me. He is patient and understands and gives me compliments necause he says what he feels in the moment.

This way you are did not suit this guy....hes just not the one for you.

Please dont overinvest in strangers. Protect yourself and your children....a stranger should not have access to you 24/7 for phonecalls and messages, nor 8 hour dates... if you get over emotionally invested it paves the way for massive disappointment at best and a toxic relationship at worst

@outerspacepotato thank you for the advice. I hadn't inserted him into a fantasy per say. We had genuinely talked about our goals in life, our likes and dislikes and bonded over our love of films and music. He told me how much he liked me and could see a future with me, so having that idea in my head wasn't necessarily something I had just delusionally conjured up in my head.

I guess I was just being realistic / pessimisitc about guys actually wanting to date a single mum in her 30s. I donhave plenty of boundaries, just a very shy individual and I don't see anything wrong with having that kind of personality. We aren't all extroverts

Sadly agree, you didn't swoon and let your clothes drop amidst the flattery. Any man with a deeper intellect will know not accepting compliments is normal self guarding. Xx

"He told me how much he liked me and could see a future with me"

In the kindest possible way....this in itself should be a massive massive red flag after 2 dates.

This makes sense. He never had access to my children. Just knew that I had them. The dates were only 8 hours because we enjoyed spending the time together and didn't have a set, dinner and then go our separate ways. We just naturally went from one activity to the next. Similar with phone calls / texting. I wasn't dropping everything to talk to him, just as and when I had a chance I'd reply and we'd end up texting throughout the day about work and stuff and then planned phone calls at the weekend when we were both free and wanted to

These 2 8 hour dates…. What did you do?

The first date we met in a public place and grabbed coffee. We then went and played in the arcades and did some bowling before going out to dinner. The second date we went to boom battle bar before going for a drive in his car. We grabbed food, parked up and talked/ listened to music before going to pick my car up

And no hint of a kiss on either?

He then said it was done and went no contact

he was looking for a quick exit and so went for the jugular. It could have been worse - he could have ghosted you.

how long was the “dumping” phone call?

Please be careful. You took a huge risk getting into the car of a man you barely know and letting him drive you to somewhere to chat.

You seem quite vulnerable and naive OP. Please look after yourself, it’s a minefield out there.

Who said it would have been in public?

I can say what isn’t appropriate after a second date…. These two planning out their lives together!

If there’s an attraction then why not? It’s a kiss not shagging on the bar

I don't feel like I've been "love bombed" or anything like that.

What do you think it would be like if you had been "love bombed"? What would be the difference to the current scenario?

I would absolutley one hundred percent not entertain the notion of getting in touch with him. At all. He's dropped you like a hot brick, and left you feeling uncertain. He knows this. He either doesn't give a toss about you, or he's actively looking to prey on your insecurity, and I think it's the latter.

Find another therapist and beef up those boundaries before you dip your toe back in. It's absolutely possible to meet someone as a mum, but you will need a brutally laser focused dickhead sifting policy.

We did have a kiss on the second date before I went home. First date he just held my hand.

@TwistedWonder I appreciate the concern. It didn't really cross my mind as I felt comfortable and none of my friends/family flagged it. My location was on and we drove somewhere I knew but I get I had no control if he decided to go somewhere else.

Because not everyone wants sex with a virtual stranger.

It’s not hard to work out is it?