Does anyone feel like giving up on some friendships?

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I have friends that, when we get together, we have a good time. We've got things in common, share the same attitudes, and have known each other for a long time.
But it's always me who has to get in touch. I know, that if I contact them, it'll be 'yes, let's get together' but, if I don't, I won't hear from them.
And they're not busy. We're all retired, with not many commitments.
Usually, I just accept that as the way that they are, but, at the moment, I've had enough.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What do you do?

I just wonder if some of these people who never make the effort to meet up then come here to post that they’ve been ghosted?
i used to make all the effort in one friendship, finally asked her to arrange the next meet up. She never bothered. Then when I bumped into her months later she angrily asked why I hadn’t been in touch!

Yeah it completely makes sense - I too stopped contacting various people who never initiate catch ups. Some of them I stopped hearing from altogether, which means they had probably wanted to drop the friendship before, but kept it up to be polite when I contacted them. Others noticed and got in contact.

If they don’t notice my absence at all that’s fine, I don’t block them or anything but I just let things go. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with one sided friendships right now.

Some of them who sent me generic Christmas texts, I noticed don’t even respond to actual conversations I’ve tried to start during the year.

If they ever want to resume the friendships they know where I am but I’m no longer assuming sole responsibility of keeping things going anymore.

I regularly get this kind of thing hopelessly wrong. I definitely function best when meeting people through an activity so there's no need for personal organising. I am liable to not realise months/years have passed, if I do more contacting I start thinking I am hassling, sometimes I just don't know how to reply and delay and then it's too awkward or think they will be busy etc etc. Absolutely none of this is to do with how much I like people. I just don't seem to be able to sustain regular contact.

To others all the above probably sounds mad or lazy or excuses. It's not that, it's just getting stuck in indecision/overwhelmed with whatever is highest priority and struggling to balance properly.

One friendship group was the four of us , we had a WhatsApp group we used and it was always myself and one other who suggested and arranged get togethers . After a year or so we realised the other two never arranged anything and were only active on the group to say they could come or not come . So S and I decided between us to not arrange anything and see what happened . Well true to form , nothing so we’ve left it . S & I have become really good friends and we haven’t heard from the other 2. If they wanted to remain friends they’d have been in touch but they haven’t so that’s it , not meant to be .

I've got someone who I've just given up on.

She's had health issues for a while which she says have left her too tired to do things in the evening, so we've been going for daytime walks. Our DH's are taking her DC2 and our only DC away at half term. She told me that she's got friends coming over one evening whilst they're away. I was surprised, so then messaged her suggesting we do something one evening. That was a week ago and she's not replied.

Sounds like my friendship group.

I'm phasing out an old friend by not contacting her, because of a situation where I discovered that she isn't as good a friend as I thought. I like speaking to her when I do, but I'm not going out of my way for her anymore

People desperate after covid I found. We all enjoyed today (4 us) but it be months again. Life busy too for everyone. I agree you get tired planning it

I think people just have different social needs and expectations.

I tend to start feeling a little bit oppressed by friends who do a lot of social organising and expect reciprocation at their level. I can tell it means a lot to them, but I don’t feel as strongly about meeting up regularly or frequently, and I start to feel a bit like I’m being herded somehow.

And with the unstated but unmistakeable overlay of guilt tripping and resentment that I’m not pulling my weight socially, after a while it all starts to feel like a miserable obligation and a pain in the arse.

I find I have 2 categories of friends things work well with - the ones where we’re in very intermittent contact, with occasional flurries of chatting, or meeting in person, and the ones who don’t want anyone else suggesting or organising stuff as they only want to do what they want to do, on their terms and timelines, and you can join or not. And there’s no guilt or passive aggression - it’s just like, ‘I’m seeing this movie on Saturday. Do you want to come?’ Or ‘I’ve been wanting to go to this restaurant. Shall we go next week?’ And either I can or I can’t. People like this are great for getting me out to stuff I wouldn’t think to do otherwise, because there’s no fog of guilt around it.

Those are dynamics that work for me, but I think a lot of people would find them frustrating / inconsistent / imbalanced or otherwise unsatisfying. We’re all different.

I am often making an effort with friends and I do this because I know that for my health and wellbeing I need lots of friends and this requires work. They give me so much joy and comfort and it is always eventually reciprocated in some way I find.

I find that even if there are months or even a few years when i make more effort, that eventually comes back around and then they do for a bit. Some people are crap at communicating that and you have to take that jnto account too. I also have friends who I put less effort in cos I was Busy or they said something a bit hurtful and they just kept on trying until we made up and now we're good friends again. Im glad they did and I have done the same with a slightly chaotic friend who can go months without replying but i just want her in my life and I know it's not personal

There are some friend groups where I feel no enthusiasm for a few years but then reconnect with a few of them and suddenly feel close again for a bit

Ultimately I am glad to stay in touch with people even if both or one of us have periods of being distant. For me personally its better to stay lightly in touch with option to reconnect rather than huff off.

Ultimately some of the sentiments here are pride which are a recipe for loneliness. I do sometimes have the same but think you have to be aware of it and put it aside sometimes.

Why would thatmake you give up on her?

I’m not that poster but Presumably because friend said she is too tired to do things in the evening but yet is planning on doing things with other friends in the evening during half term while her kids are away . That poster has then asked if they can also do something in the evening and she hasn’t replied.

i am the one who normally organises get togethers. If I don’t arrange things for a while sometimes a few will step up. I have taken to doing something’s solo rather than have to organise other people.

Yes its nice catch up. It does fall to the same ones though to do it.

Exactly that @This2shallpas . Her summoning up the energy to do evening things only with other friends makes me feel like I'm a second tier friend and I genuinely thought we were close. It's been over a week and she normally replies within a few days.

I think that’s incredibly juvenile.‘Wash, why are you going out after dark with other people but not meeee?’

How is matching someone else's level of input juvenile? She hasn't said anything to the friend?

That's so sad she couldn't have included you in the evening.

Yeah I agree.

I mean the friend might eventually get in contact, but until they bother to reply she is perfectly reasonable to leave things as they are instead of chasing her down in an effort to get a response/explanation.

This has literally just happened to me. It's ridiculous!

Woah! How many close friends do you have with that attitude?

Loads. I’m good at making and keeping good, longterm friendships. possibly in part because I don’t get involved in juvenile microaggressions about who initiates contact or suggests meetings.

But you said that when people contact you you and you don't contact them you feel it's because they are more needy? How does that make sense? When don't you feel that? How do you have a friendship with someone if every time they contact you you think it's all about them?

You sound extremely self involved!

You’re misreading my post. I said nothing about neediness, only that if someone always contacts me before I contact them, they have more need for contact than I do. It’s not a criticism of them. Unlike many Mners, I only have friends I really like, and whose company I very much value.

I haven't chased her up and I'm not going to. The reason I posted on this thread is that I agree that friendship is a two way street. I'm matching her effort. She lives 10 minutes walk away btw.