Does anyone feel like giving up on some friendships?

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I have friends that, when we get together, we have a good time. We've got things in common, share the same attitudes, and have known each other for a long time.
But it's always me who has to get in touch. I know, that if I contact them, it'll be 'yes, let's get together' but, if I don't, I won't hear from them.
And they're not busy. We're all retired, with not many commitments.
Usually, I just accept that as the way that they are, but, at the moment, I've had enough.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What do you do?

Is it too late to suggest you each take turns arranging getting together, like @Error4O4friends do?

As long as there is reciprocation yes, it doesn’t have to be 50/50 equal effort, but there has to be some effort from the other person and if there is generally none, or seeming indifference, then I would prefer to direct my energies into friendships that feel mutual.

Yes, I've felt this way for years with most of my friends but if I stopped making contact and arranging plans I'd hardly ever see anyone. I am the one making contact 90+% of the time. I am a good friend and ask questions, show interest, etc. I don't know if anything can be done. We are all busy working parents but I'd appreciate some effort back!

They say that if you want something done, you should ask a busy person.

Similarly, I suppose, most organisation will be done by an organised person.

The only thing that would put me off organising circles of friends to meet up is if I found out they were all meeting without me at other times.

Otherwise, if I enjoy meeting up with them and they seem to with me, I’ll just assume they’re more disorganised than me.

I knew people who didn’t bother to make contact and expected me to make all the effort. I decided they weren’t that bothered about meeting up so those friendships have drifted.
As someone else said, as you get older time maybe becomes more precious. I want people who will make the effort as well.
I’ve made the effort to join a few activities so have something to do a couple of times a week now anyway

It has be two way efforts. Good to have a few friends and keep busy. People are flaky now so I def dont plan as much... think in your 50s I havent energy for it

It depends for me. If they are generally responsive and easy to make plans with, I don't mind doing more of the organising. I stopped messaging a friend who never replied 6 months ago and she's just got in touch expecting things to be normal - nope sorry I'm done !
However if I took that approach all the time, I think I would have alot less friends and that would make me feel worse overall.

See I struggle a bit with this, how are your friends supposed to know. I've had a friend literally just do this - go cold for months and not say why, then expect me to chase it up. If you need space fine but you should let your friends know. Noone's a mind reader.

I contacted friends in my what’s app group recently asked how they all are , what they’re up to. All replied but not one asked how I am. Didn’t bother suggesting we meet up any time soon which I would normally do. I really can’t be bothered anymore.

OP if you drop the rope then be prepared to be lonely and have a quieter social life. People who aren't good at organising or reaching out rarely change suddenly just because the friend who usually initiates, stops getting in touch. They'll likely think you're giving them the cold shoulder.

Tbh I think just accept this is the dynamic. At least this way you can make plans based around what you want to do.

I'm the organiser/instigator in various friendship groups I have, I don't generally mind as I'm a control freak, so if I'm organising a weekend away or meal out I like it to be perfect, saying that the last few years I've met a new group of friends and there is another organiser in the group and it's great...she will instigate meet ups, weekends away etc and I'm loving it. Just pack my bags and go 😁.

No
This wouldn’t bother me
Im happy to arrange a get together and tbh would rather it then I won’t feel guilty if they do and I can’t make it

It’s the takers I can’t stand ie People who only ever contact you when they want something or others who only phone if they’ve got something to show off about and never ask how Youre are doing. The me me me brigade are just too exhausting.

Perhaps “letting go”, rather than “giving up”? Why not join some groups - walking or book group? They can sometimes be a slow burn, but over time you will feel a sense of belonging, and it is a more reliable way of maintaining a social life than relying on individuals who can barely be arsed.

Yes I have a hobby that I’m passionate about and attend 3-4 times a week so I still have a social life.

I think sometimes you've just got to accept what level of friend you are, and decide whether you want to consider whether you want to bother putting the work in or not.

My two best friends, we're all equally invested. We've known each other decades, we're always there for each other, and we all make equally sure we're keeping in touch with each other. They're not really friends, they're family.

I've also got a few friends who I have to do all the chasing with. But it's worth it, because when I see them I'll have an absolutely brilliant time. Yeah, I know they don't see me the same way I see them, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have a good night when I see them.

And on the flip side of that, there's a few people I'll go out for a pint with on occasion just because they've asked, and I happen to be free. I'm not likely to ask them, because honestly, I'd rather spend time with either of the above, but it'll be an enjoyable evening none the less.

Yeah, the second two categories are uneven. Either I like them more than they like me or vice versa, but why let that get in the way of a couple of hours of good company?

How are you?

I've started doing the same. Matching people's energy. Even with close family.

I do have some good friends who keep in touch and we meet up sometimes. But the ones who don't bother reciprocating....meh.

I am quite terrible at keeping in touch, part of the reason is that I’ve got far too many friends: the school mums, the school friends, the uni friends, new friends… it’s way too many people and now I’m middle aged i mostly want to stay in.

I think it’s quite normal tbh . My thing was to get different groups of friends so I always have someone to do something with .

What a strange outlook

So it’s been around 5 months since I “archived “ WhatsApp contacts for around 80% of my friends and they all remain silent in that folder.

Obviously they meant more to me than I did to them.

Its fine but I can’t help feeling surprised by a few who I was convinced would be in touch but haven’t.

My time is now my own and peaceful. And of course, so is theirs.

I must have been a right pain in their arses arranging meet-ups with them all. Maybe they didn’t know how to fuck me off kindly.

Lessons learned.

I think time can pass quickly for some people. I bet some do contact you eventually?
I'm done chasing people. I have good friends who keep in touch, that's enough.

I wouldn’t bother .

Like a pp Im done chasing.. met a gang today 4 us. Oh great thanks Mary. I said someone can plan next one. Its not tit for tat but you be tired chasing up people. Needs be 2 way efforts)

We have a friend who likes organising meet ups. We are in close contact with her and another couple from the group. The other two couples do nothing. Both got married after long time cohabiting and invited none of us. Not even for a drink! We’ve invited them to birthdays and anniversaries but they just don’t bother. DD getting married soon and our list of friends has shrunk. We are not inviting these “friends”. I’m not spending the money on them.

Yes I have some like this, separate friends that is, who never text first, not within a friendship group.

I'm fed up of the number of times I initiate coffee etc and have lost many friends over the years when I've stopped being the one making the first contact and they've never contacted me since. Once I decide I don't really need a friend like that, that's when it happens, I stop arranging every occasion, they don't bother so we inevitably lose contact.