My husband gives me the ick

[Theoneandonlyone]

Help. The title says it all. We’ve been together 20 years. 2 beautiful kids, great jobs, great life, 3 holidays a year.
just lately, he goes in for a snog and slips his slimy tongue in my mouth and I want to punch him. He constantly grabs my arse in vulnerable positions. Like unloading the dishwasher.
I genuinely love him and he’s a great dad, shares chores but I just can’t deal with his constant need for affection. Yes, I’m perimenopausal. I’ve been using collagen, exercising, doing all the right things to make myself feel better and give myself some energy. He just drains me. When I snap, he feels unloved and sulks. Naturally. I then feel guilty and apologise. It’s just such a crap place to be. Part of me just wants to leave him, but I don’t want to hurt him. Maybe I’m hurting him more by staying and not giving him the affection he needs. I honestly dont know what to do! Can I ever get back to wanting him like I used to or should I just be brave for both our sakes and call it a day?

Oh god I feel exactly the same I’m sorry that’s no help at all but offering complete solidarity. I don’t know what to do I’m feeling the same predicament. How do you feel about having sex with him?

Peri isn't just about energy - it's about a massive hormonal shift which won't be fixed with collagen (it doesn't work anyway) and exercise. If you are serious about getting on top of your hormones then you need synthetic assistance I'm afraid. It's up to you of course, not every woman wants HRT, but what you're outlining is a really common side effect of menopause. Your options are to investigate ways to rebalance your hormones or you just ride the storm accepting that you need to be really honest with him and find ways to reconnect emotionally even if you can't do so physically. I'm not blaming you in the slightest by the way - I'm just in the cohort of women in the throes of this bloody thing - and it's really hard and unfair. I have the opposite problem ironically - I would mount an ironing board currently - thank heavens I am single because I think I would probably inadvertently kill anyone who came into my lair.

Sorry you feel the same way. I feel like such a terrible person. I suspect he feels the same because of the way I am. Sex is fairly non existent tbh.

Yes. This is on my never ending to do list. Why do we always put ourselves last? I’m terrified of blood tests which is partly why I keep putting it off. I can’t just give up for fear of a blood test though. I will investigate. Thank you

Because we're women and we've been taught not to complain and that the medical system doesn't prioritise us. It's totally shit isn't it? If it helps, I went to the GP with a list of symptoms and got put on HRT straight away - they didn't even worry about a blood test until I was at least six months into treatment so that they could determine if it was working. So you could get help immediately and kick the blood test down the road a bit - if your GP did what mine did. I'm so sorry you're scared of tests, that must make it so hard to get help when you need it. But honestly I would really recommend getting the ball rolling if you can. I have all the sympathy in the world for you - I really think that biologically women get such a rough deal. And please be nice to yourself, you can't help your hormones, none of this is your fault in the slightest. Sending love. 💜

Talk to him about it in private when he isn't doing them or just done them and tell him what you would prefer instead. It sounds like he wants to be passionate but doesn't know how so show him.
This is someone you built a life with, you need to invest in working things out with him you can't just say i have an ick and im peri.

Why do you apologise? Putting his tongue in your mouth and groping your arse isn’t affection.

When someone keeps touching you in a way they know you don’t enjoy, they are choosing rejection whether it’s conscious or not and blaming you for it. He’s setting himself up to be a victim of your rejection and that’s just as nasty as the groping.

There is no amount of HRT I could take that would make me want someone’s tongue poked into my mouth or my arse groped. This is not a medical problem on your part.

My therapist taught me that disgust is a response to boundary violations. if she is right,
you need to be very clear with him to stop grabbing you and give you some fucking space. If he’s going in for a snog when you’re not feeling it then of course you’re not going to like it. There’s some practical stuff you can do here, please don’t blame everything on your hormones as you belittle your experience within the relationship. Also have a look at the drama triangle because it sounds as though you are both cycling through the positions . Healthy adult is the alternative, a healthy adult says stop grabbing my arse like that, and enforces it. Just because you are a couple does not mean you should be available to be pawed out like this. I would feel disgusted too

Wow, lots and lots of jumping into conclusions in the comments, immediately...
For example, before labelling him as a disgusting creep @AuntiePat21 , could we ask OP, @Theoneandonlyone - Since you've been together for 20 years. have you enjoyed your husband coming in for a snog before? If yes, not letting him know that kissing is not something you enjoy any more, is not exactly cool... Have you also asked him to stop grabbing you in certain situations? If you told him already, fair enough, he needs to respect it, naturally.

@Theoneandonlyone totally get you and glad I don’t live with my partner of 10 years or he’d be under a patio.

the snapping/guilt cycle… I sat mine down when we were in a good spot and just explained that at the moment I’m not enjoying the arse grabs etc and that my preferences have changed. Explained about my peri-menopause symptoms and how I felt.

hes improved. Now and again gets huffy when rejected as honestly in one weekend he’s allowed to feel my bum one minute and I’ll be cranky if he does it an hour later - even I don’t know why it’s acceptable one minute and not the other. If he’s huffy I explain that it doesn’t help us. If I am being a bit of a hormonal dick I’ll apologise.

good luck. You are not alone.

Exactly this. 2 years ago it wouldn’t have been a problem. Yeah, maybe an immature trait of his but I never objected. Like I said. He’s not a creep. I love him to bits. I just don’t know how to deal with the anger I feel when he does it now

100% this. Snogs out of the blue and grabbing someone’s arse in the kitchen aren’t shows of affection or passion.

I wish women didn’t constantly blame their dislike of unacceptable sexual behaviour on “peri”, as though not wanting to be groped is some kind of disorder. Whether you’re 20, 40 or 80, you shouldn’t be expected to put up with this. It’s absolutely normal not to want to be randomly groped.

Well, @Theoneandonlyone , I think it is pretty darn amazing that you have such self-awareness to admit these things, instead of what a lot of others do and just flail around angrily, with no reasoning, just 100% faulting the partner because it fits their narrative better.

I think you have an obvious step ahead of you. He will continue to make you angry because he doesn't know that he does. You really need to have an honest, open conversation with him about how you feel about this. I've been together with my wife for close to 2 decades now, and if she suddenly started hating and getting angry over certain things she used to be ok with or liked even, heck, I would want to know.
The simple truth it: if you are just enduring in silence, all that will bring is more annoyance... Time to do something about it, and improve the quality of your life. That way you can get to a place where he doesn't make you angry, makes you angry far less often, or when you do feel anger, you can feel safe and understood enough to let him know, so he can course-correct...

Don’t accuse me of saying stuff I didn’t say. I didn’t label him a disgusting creep. I think the fact she snaps at him is a pretty good indicator she’s not enjoying having his tongue poked into her mouth. Don’t you?

well-well, seems like we've been a bit hasty though, don't you think? - looking at OP's latest update?.
Don't we think it's unfair to expect the partner to know if we don't tell him - if it's something we had no problem with before? Nobody is a mind-reader...

You describe it as immature… Are you sure you didn’t always dislike it but chose not to object? Part of peri seems to be refusing to tolerate shit.
It was always shit. We just aren’t tolerating it anymore.

A lot of men get away with being a bit shit, handling women as if they are meat, because for a lot of the time we put up with it.

Healthy relationships involve being sensitive to our partner, where desire is a two way dance. Grabbing the arse of a woman who’s think8ng about cleaning the house, or stuffing your tongue in her mouth while she’s looking forward to having a nice cuppa… that’s not sensitive.

Snapping at someone who pokes their tongue into your mouth is important information to the person doing it. As is the lack of reciprocation.

If you don’t understand this I’m not sure you sure be on a thread like this advising women.

I got through menopause/ HRT (50s now so don't take anything any more) without a blood test. Just get an appointment and tell the GP how you've been feeling, if it's 'your age' then there probably isn't any need to 'test'. Your husband needs to find other ways to communicate with you. That's on him to grow, not you to be able to 'put up with it' again. I used to get so cross in my last relationship with him keep grabbing at me randomly then acting rejected.

Does this bit seem like she hasn’t told him? “When I snap, he feels unloved and sulks. Naturally. I then feel guilty and apologise. ”

Does he need a diagram or is he a slow learner? When a woman gets cross because you’ve grabbed her bum, instead of sulking till she apologises, consider apologising and asking her what’s wrong.

OP herself literally agreed with me and said that THIS WASN'T A PROBLEM 2 YEARS AGO. So out of the 20 years, 18 years this behaviour OP was fine with. Do we see the problem there? No?

@AuntiePat21 - if you don't understand the logical relation of things spanning across decades, I don't know what to tell you. Snapping for something you haven't snapped before for 18 years(!), yes, it will cause some confusion, you better believe it.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn - Does this bit seem like she hasn't told him? It seems like absolutely nothing, as neither you or me were there to hear it. If it's just a 'yuck, f off'. Then no. If it's a 'Argh, I know for 18 years I was ok with you doing this and never said a word, but I keep telling you, that lately I hate this' - then yes. Does he need a diagram? Maybe. Slow learner? could be, hell if I know. Should he enquire what's wrong? Aaabsolutely!

also, can we just agree, that it's highly unlikely that this man is rushing towards her with his dribbling tongue pointing forward? Because of the state of anger it is phrased as "coming in for a snog', but other times I am sure it could also be phrased as "trying to initiate a kiss". Context matters.

Have an adult conversation with him, tell him exactly how you feel - but also be open to him telling you exactly how he feels. If you can communicate openly and find a way forward together, great, but if not, you can both consider your next steps, which might end up being in different directions.

As a side issue, maybe don’t refer to the ‘ick’; what you’re feeling is more than some shorthand buzzword for something pretty complicated. If DP told me he had the ick, I’d struggle to take anything he said seriously after that.

Hi OP I was like this about 2 years ago with my DH - HRT for me was a game changer, alongside some good vitamins. May not be for everyone but it is worth exploring.

Edited to say you don’t need blood tests the GP should support you, based on symptoms only.

Asking this with earnest.

Those that are suggesting OP has an honest conversation with DH, I genuinely dont know what a happy outcome looks like in this situation. If DH needs sex to feel connected, but DW doesn't want to be touched, neither DW or DH should have to force behaviour to meet the other's needs at the sacrifice of their own comfort or happiness... so what is the answer?

Thank you for everyone who has commented. I really appreciate hearing a number of different opinions. I also Absolutely take on board not using ‘ick’. Living with teenagers has clearly taken its toll on my vocabulary.
I 100% agree I need to talk to him, but I genuinely don’t know how. You all say honest conversation but I’ve been with him since he was 20, hence the immaturity. While
we’re both successful adults and parents, our relationship together is kind of stuck at 20. I wouldn’t know where to start without hurting him.
”so babe. I know we’ve not been great lately. I’ve got all sorts of hormones going on that simply make it harder for me to accept your unwelcome??? Gestures of affection. I don’t want you to touch me like you have for the last 20 years”
how do you phrase that in a kinder, more acceptable way?

Nothing wrong with the word 'ick' @Theoneandonlyone You use whatever words you wish. Don't let people police how you speak.