My husband gives me the ick

[Theoneandonlyone]

Help. The title says it all. We’ve been together 20 years. 2 beautiful kids, great jobs, great life, 3 holidays a year.
just lately, he goes in for a snog and slips his slimy tongue in my mouth and I want to punch him. He constantly grabs my arse in vulnerable positions. Like unloading the dishwasher.
I genuinely love him and he’s a great dad, shares chores but I just can’t deal with his constant need for affection. Yes, I’m perimenopausal. I’ve been using collagen, exercising, doing all the right things to make myself feel better and give myself some energy. He just drains me. When I snap, he feels unloved and sulks. Naturally. I then feel guilty and apologise. It’s just such a crap place to be. Part of me just wants to leave him, but I don’t want to hurt him. Maybe I’m hurting him more by staying and not giving him the affection he needs. I honestly dont know what to do! Can I ever get back to wanting him like I used to or should I just be brave for both our sakes and call it a day?

Oh I hear ya @Theoneandonlyone My DH went through a phase - a long one - about 2-3 years, of groping me and grabbing me, grabbing at my breasts, and trying to grab and slap and pinch my arse. I would be doing the washing up and he'd come and poke at and maul my breasts (he'd be behind me and would creep up on me.) And he would try and dry hump me when I bent over to put clothes in the washing machine, and he would just come and lick the back of my neck when I was facing away from him. Just sneaked up on me and did it.

He never did this ridiculous, offensive, gropy, sex-pest kind of stuff when we first met, first lived together, or for the first 10 years of our marriage. It started about 17 or so years after we met (so in our early 40s.) He seemed to have this bizarre illusion that I would be turned on, and it was 'sexy.'

But all it did was make me shut the kitchen door behind me so he couldn't sneak up on me, put my hands on my bum as I was walking away from him (with my hands turned around/palms facing out) so he couldn't slap my arse, and get showered and dressed with the bathroom door locked, so he couldn't come and grab me, pinch my nipples, and grab at my arse, or even my fanny! He sometimes grabbed me when I was trying to get changed in the bedroom, and forced me me onto the bed, saying 'oooh, you look great, come on, I feel really horny!' I just pushed him off, and said 'fuck right off! It turned me right off him.

I did protest multiple times, but all I got was him sulking like a baby, and saying 'can't I even touch my own WIFE now?'

Honestly, it killed any passion we ever had, and I found him an irritating sex pest. I'm your wife, not a fucking lump of meat. I stopped wanting sex with him/stopped having sex with him, because he was a gropy sex pest who sulked at not getting his own way.

Fortunately, he stopped, (after many months of me scolding him for it,) and gave it up altogether, and didn't moan anymore about not able to just grab me. Stopped grabbing and groping me, and slapping my arse.

Then by our mid 40s, we managed to get back on track again, when he started to be more respectful of me, and understand that I wasn't a fucking sex doll! Honestly, if he had carried on, we'd have been divorced before our late 40s.

@Theoneandonlyone Tell your husband to STOP. PLEASE tell him to stop. Your resentment and hatred of his behaviour will fester. I know a number of women who have husbands who behaved in a similar manner. Thinking groping and grabbing you is 'sexy' and a turn on. No it isn't! We are your wives, not fucking sex dolls. Some men just need telling. And if they sulk, tell them to grow the fuck up. Many men are such babies when things don't go their way, and they can't get their end away. Don't be bullied by your husband, tell him to fucking STOP IT!

Logical relation of things spanning across decades?? You mean implied consent.

A man who gropes someone for two years and is repeatedly snapped at and then sulks is not confused. He’s entitled.

but if he genuinely was confused as you suggest, he could use his words. Like a big boy.

You don’t need a blood test for HRT. It should be prescribed based on symptoms.

‘Trying to initiate a kiss’. I remember that. It was magical. Eye contact, leaning towards each other, lips touching, moving, getting more intense, the flick of a tongue… Gosh those were the good old days.

This poking of tongues into a mouth that hasn’t invited it is quite different.

20 years of relationship doesn’t mean that foreplay and flirting is now irrelevant. It’s not like you’ve finally paid off the product and now you can use it at will.

Yes, this. ^

You might as well leave him, as no sex is the death knell to most relationships anyway. You’re not doing each other a massive favour by staying together and could be happier elsewhere.

Agree that what he is doing isn't sexy and it would turn me off too. These are boundary violations imo. Maybe explain to him what women's libido is like, that you don't like that and that foreplay exists in little moments of tenderness, affection and care throughout the day
Paloma faith talked about this recently

"when you grab me out of nowhere I feel disrespected and a bit violated. The opposite of turned on. Maybe you would feel the same? Either way I feel that way."

Why not say all of that, hey baby I love the bones of you. But due to my weird as fek hormones I'm in a weird place

If my oh grabbed my arse when I was doing the dishwasher, I'd probably have punched him in the face. Absolutely not on! I don't know how you've put up with it for so long tbh. It's not at all sexy.

You guys need a honest talk. Boundaries on his groping, explain HRT and well, even aging/being shattered takes it's toll. You don't need the sulks from him, the sulks will never, ever make you feel sexy. Give you both a chance, see if he listens (and understands) and perhaps you'd start feeling more affectionate if he backs off with the guilts.

I remember one relationship I had in my early 20's, lovely lad but absolutely obsessed with sex. He'd have done it all day given a chance. I got fed up with that, and waking up with his morning glory sticking into my back and him wanting to have sex before I'd even woken up properly. I occasionally oblighed, but not my fav. Didn't matter how many times I said no, late for work/don't feel sexy/not a morning person/not before a cuppa/I feel sleepy etc the guilt trip after (he took it as such a personal rejection) was bad and the cause of many rows.. One night I took a cucumber to bed with me and woke him up in the morning with it, sticking it into his back, jabbing him.

We split up after that, later that day. Apparently I went 'too far' 😁

Being together for a long time might explain some immaturity but it doesn’t excuse it. It’s not sustainable in the long run if he doesn’t mature inside the relationship.

I don’t think it’s wise to blame your hormones. Because if you get hrt he will simply carry on.

Slips his slimy tongue in my mouth…
ewww that made me shudder.
do you just not fancy him or do you not fancy any men at all? How would you feel theoretically about snogging someone else?

Ps I have friends with partners
of 20 years who still enjoy regular sex with them

Oh god I needed to read this tonight! I honestly have just name changed and started a post, before deleting it thinking it was disrespectful to him. Then I saw this post.

We are still having a lot of sex but I'm starting to get the ick with the constant bum smacks and side eyes when anything even remotely sexual is hinted at. And he's become so insecure too because I have had more partners then him and thinks they were better than him. I am (well, starting to not be) happy with our sex life. He can't seem to realise that the reason I fell for him because he was a better man than any of them and I respected him for that. I'm starting to lose that respect now and I don't want to.

is it the fear of needles in the blood test? I used ot be like you then such terrible thigns happened to me that the blood test didnt bother me and now I have such awful illness and need medical attention all the tiem im used ot the needles

You don't need a blood test for HRT.
It's up to you but I felt my sex drive waning and I was very unhappy about that so I went on testosterone as part of my HRT and it came back. Lots of women don't seem to mind going off sex in peri but it does make it hard to sustain a happy relationship if we are honest.

I'll have to agree with @exhaustDAD. As a woman, before you ask.
A healthy relationship should not be a game of charades. If I make my bloke a cop of coffee every morning for 20 years and then he starts snapping at me for making him coffee out of the blue, it's not information about anything to me except that he is not in control of his emotions. If, on the other hand, he calmly says "I used to enjoy coffee but something shifted for me and I find the taste unpleasant. Could we have a cup of tea instead" - that's information. That's healthy communication in a relationship. That is something I can do something about without second-guessing.

This thread is about unwanted intimate touching. Not coffee. If your husband was not reciprocating to intimate touching and snapping at you I don’t think you’d be confused at all.

You would be confused about what has changed but you would not be confused or second guessing whether he liked it or not.

If in the UK I doubt they’ll want to do a blood test unless you’re going to some private clinic. They just give you the HRT and then you tell them later if you think it’s working or not.

I begged for a blood test because it seemed wild to me to start taking hormones without having a test first to see if I actually needed them, but was told that isn’t done because hormone levels fluctuate daily making it pointless.

You need to explain what you feel and why you feel like that.

I wouldn't do something sexual or affectionate my wife didn't like. But equally I wouldn't suddenly randomly guess that something she has been OK with for 20 years is now not OK.

It's not your fault your hormones change. But it's not his fault either. Talk to him.

I think you are hijacking the thread with your own "men are predators" agenda. You even managed to hypothesise that the OP secretly didn't like her husband's advances throughout the relationship even though she never said that. You'll be calling him a rapist next. Honestly.
99% of problems on MN can be solved with effective communication and this is also one of them. If your style of communication is to drop heavy hints and hope that everyone finds them as obvious as you do, I don't know what else to tell you.

I found having a large carrot within reach and going to violate his arse worked very well in retaliation to being grabbed whenever I bent over. Quick, sharp shock and that put pay to that.

I don’t think I have commented that the op secretly didn’t like it previously. I think you’ve got mixed up.

Snapping and not reciprocating when someone shoves a tongue in your mouth is not a hint. Neither is it a game of charades or a guessing game as you suggest.It is a clear response that all adults understand to mean the behaviour is not welcome. Small children understand this.

Factually stating that men know full well what reciprocal and enthusiastic consent looks like does not equal having a “men are predators” agenda. You’re very invested in this man being confused. Your bar for men is on the floor.

Came on to say exactly this the NICE guidelines say you shouldn’t need blood tests if your symptoms are indicative. I had this exact problem and with HRT and supplements it has completely changed how I feel. Good luck @Theoneandonlyone

I didn't say he was confused. I said that OP needs to communicate clearly what changed and what they can do about it not continue snapping at him hoping he will go away. In case, you know, she actually wants to remain in a relationship with her husband.