Page 3 | My husband gives me the ick

Theoneandonlyone · 2026-02-01T20:49:10+00:00

Help. The title says it all. We’ve been together 20 years. 2 beautiful kids, great jobs, great life, 3 holidays a year. just lately, he goes in for a snog and slips his slimy tongue in my mouth and I want to punch him. He constantly grabs my arse in vulnerable positions. Like unloading the dishwasher. I genuinely love him and he’s a great dad, shares chores but I just can’t deal with his constant need for affection. Yes, I’m perimenopausal. I’ve been using collagen, exercising, doing all the right things to make myself feel better and give myself some energy. He just drains me. When I snap, he feels unloved and sulks. Naturally. I then feel guilty and apologise. It’s just such a crap place to be. Part of me just wants to leave him, but I don’t want to hurt him. Maybe I’m hurting him more by staying and not giving him the affection he needs. I honestly dont know what to do! Can I ever get back to wanting him like I used to or should I just be brave for both our sakes and call it a day?

AuntiePat21 · 02/02/2026 20:31

Catza · 02/02/2026 19:59

I didn't say he was confused. I said that OP needs to communicate clearly what changed and what they can do about it not continue snapping at him hoping he will go away. In case, you know, she actually wants to remain in a relationship with her husband.

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You’ve used phrases such as second guessing , game of charades, hinting.

I don’t know how to say this any clearer. When someone pokes their tongue into someone else’s mouth and they don’t reciprocate you stop. The lack of enthusiastic reciprocity is the communication.

I agree she should verbally tell him. Not to educate him, but for her own boundaries, because he already knows she doesn’t like it.

Riverflow6 · 02/02/2026 20:38

BatchCookBabe · 01/02/2026 22:21

Oh I hear ya @Theoneandonlyone My DH went through a phase - a long one - about 2-3 years, of groping me and grabbing me, grabbing at my breasts, and trying to grab and slap and pinch my arse. I would be doing the washing up and he'd come and poke at and maul my breasts (he'd be behind me and would creep up on me.) And he would try and dry hump me when I bent over to put clothes in the washing machine, and he would just come and lick the back of my neck when I was facing away from him. Just sneaked up on me and did it.

He never did this ridiculous, offensive, gropy, sex-pest kind of stuff when we first met, first lived together, or for the first 10 years of our marriage. It started about 17 or so years after we met (so in our early 40s.) He seemed to have this bizarre illusion that I would be turned on, and it was 'sexy.'

But all it did was make me shut the kitchen door behind me so he couldn't sneak up on me, put my hands on my bum as I was walking away from him (with my hands turned around/palms facing out) so he couldn't slap my arse, and get showered and dressed with the bathroom door locked, so he couldn't come and grab me, pinch my nipples, and grab at my arse, or even my fanny! He sometimes grabbed me when I was trying to get changed in the bedroom, and forced me me onto the bed, saying 'oooh, you look great, come on, I feel really horny!' I just pushed him off, and said 'fuck right off! It turned me right off him.

I did protest multiple times, but all I got was him sulking like a baby, and saying 'can't I even touch my own WIFE now?'

Honestly, it killed any passion we ever had, and I found him an irritating sex pest. I'm your wife, not a fucking lump of meat. I stopped wanting sex with him/stopped having sex with him, because he was a gropy sex pest who sulked at not getting his own way.

Fortunately, he stopped, (after many months of me scolding him for it,) and gave it up altogether, and didn't moan anymore about not able to just grab me. Stopped grabbing and groping me, and slapping my arse.

Then by our mid 40s, we managed to get back on track again, when he started to be more respectful of me, and understand that I wasn't a fucking sex doll! Honestly, if he had carried on, we'd have been divorced before our late 40s.

@Theoneandonlyone Tell your husband to STOP. PLEASE tell him to stop. Your resentment and hatred of his behaviour will fester. I know a number of women who have husbands who behaved in a similar manner. Thinking groping and grabbing you is 'sexy' and a turn on. No it isn't! We are your wives, not fucking sex dolls. Some men just need telling. And if they sulk, tell them to grow the fuck up. Many men are such babies when things don't go their way, and they can't get their end away. Don't be bullied by your husband, tell him to fucking STOP IT!

This is really helpful. My husband is like this now and I do the things you are doing. Get changed really quickly in thr bathroom or with the door locked. Get washing out th machine as quickly as possible. I had the random groping. Does any woman any where like this?!

Original poster

Theoneandonlyone · 02/02/2026 20:40

Catza · 02/02/2026 19:59

I didn't say he was confused. I said that OP needs to communicate clearly what changed and what they can do about it not continue snapping at him hoping he will go away. In case, you know, she actually wants to remain in a relationship with her husband.

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And I do want to stay in a relationship with my husband. Honestly, he’s such a great guy and 90% of the time we bumble along really happy. It’s my overwhelming anger that is ruining it. Thank you for all of the info on. It needing a blood test. Booked myself in for a chat already.
it was an easier win than talking to him right now. I’ve let this happen for so long with jest and giggles. It would absolutely be remiss of me to leave him over something I’ve not explained because I simply don’t know how to.
Thank you again for all of your advice.

OP posts:

letshearitfortheboy · 02/02/2026 21:32

@Catza

A healthy relationship should not be a game of charades.

So much this.

@Happyjoe

Didn't matter how many times I said no, late for work/don't feel sexy/not a morning person/not before a cuppa/I feel sleepy etc

I tap-danced around the actual issue so sweetly and he STILL didn't get it!

@AuntiePat21

This thread is about unwanted intimate touching.

I don't agree. I think this is a thread about realising you no longer desire your husband, your partner of 20 years, recognising he won't accept a marriage devoid of affection and sex, and coming to terms with the likely impact of that on the comfortable lifestyle described in the first post. A very difficult situation.

@Theoneandonlyone

I genuinely love him

You're not convincing anybody.

Maybe I’m hurting him more by staying and not giving him the affection he needs.

Ah, so you do know what you need to do.

You don't owe him sex or affection. But after two decades, don't you at least owe him honesty?

Elderlycatparent002 · 02/02/2026 21:39

I haven’t read the whole thread but seriously consider HRT before making any decisions.

Original poster

Theoneandonlyone · 02/02/2026 22:24

letshearitfortheboy · 02/02/2026 21:32

@Catza

A healthy relationship should not be a game of charades.

So much this.

@Happyjoe

Didn't matter how many times I said no, late for work/don't feel sexy/not a morning person/not before a cuppa/I feel sleepy etc

I tap-danced around the actual issue so sweetly and he STILL didn't get it!

@AuntiePat21

This thread is about unwanted intimate touching.

I don't agree. I think this is a thread about realising you no longer desire your husband, your partner of 20 years, recognising he won't accept a marriage devoid of affection and sex, and coming to terms with the likely impact of that on the comfortable lifestyle described in the first post. A very difficult situation.

@Theoneandonlyone

I genuinely love him

You're not convincing anybody.

Maybe I’m hurting him more by staying and not giving him the affection he needs.

Ah, so you do know what you need to do.

You don't owe him sex or affection. But after two decades, don't you at least owe him honesty?

How the fuck do you know I don’t love my husband? Go cuddle and cuddle your cats

OP posts:

BatchCookBabe · 02/02/2026 22:30

Riverflow6 · 02/02/2026 20:38

This is really helpful. My husband is like this now and I do the things you are doing. Get changed really quickly in thr bathroom or with the door locked. Get washing out th machine as quickly as possible. I had the random groping. Does any woman any where like this?!

Show quote history

I don't know any woman who does like this awful gropy, sex pest behaviour from their husband.. I do know a number of women whose husbands started doing this (at around 40 to 45-ish, some 15-20 years into the relationship,) and it's really fucking annoying. If you tell them to stop, they go all pouty and whiny, like they're the victim. They cry 'oh I should be ENTITLED to touch my own WIFE!'

Many men don't like being told they can't do something, and especially not if it means they can't get their end away.

The think groping and dry humping and arse slapping their wife is endearing, and a 'turn-on.' Newsflash! IT'S FUCKING NOT!

AuntiePat21 · 02/02/2026 23:52

BatchCookBabe · 02/02/2026 22:30

I don't know any woman who does like this awful gropy, sex pest behaviour from their husband.. I do know a number of women whose husbands started doing this (at around 40 to 45-ish, some 15-20 years into the relationship,) and it's really fucking annoying. If you tell them to stop, they go all pouty and whiny, like they're the victim. They cry 'oh I should be ENTITLED to touch my own WIFE!'

Many men don't like being told they can't do something, and especially not if it means they can't get their end away.

The think groping and dry humping and arse slapping their wife is endearing, and a 'turn-on.' Newsflash! IT'S FUCKING NOT!

Show quote history

Having divorced over this myself I don’t think the goal is to be seductive or to be affectionate.

Being seductive or affectionate requires timing, emotional attunement, the ability to read the room. Touch that is enjoyable.

Groping only requires someone in a vulnerable position and a hand. It’s a drive by entitlement check, which is why most conversations about this result in sulking with no change.

morethanspice · 03/02/2026 07:22

Been in similar situation and unfortunately this kind of man fails to recognise appropriate timing and mood, it’s a total turn off to be grabbed and have a tongue shoved in your mouth .

MrsPicklesToBe · 03/02/2026 09:00

Makes me laugh how everything is blamed on perimenopause now!! How about you don’t fancy him anymore and don’t like him kissing you - no need to over complicate it. And why should you have to take HRT?! People change!

ChiefChimp · 03/02/2026 11:51

Theoneandonlyone · 01/02/2026 22:20

Thank you for everyone who has commented. I really appreciate hearing a number of different opinions. I also Absolutely take on board not using ‘ick’. Living with teenagers has clearly taken its toll on my vocabulary.
I 100% agree I need to talk to him, but I genuinely don’t know how. You all say honest conversation but I’ve been with him since he was 20, hence the immaturity. While
we’re both successful adults and parents, our relationship together is kind of stuck at 20. I wouldn’t know where to start without hurting him.
”so babe. I know we’ve not been great lately. I’ve got all sorts of hormones going on that simply make it harder for me to accept your unwelcome??? Gestures of affection. I don’t want you to touch me like you have for the last 20 years”
how do you phrase that in a kinder, more acceptable way?

Hi op much to my embarrassment I had a similar issue with my DW. We’d to been together in our twenties and I’ve always found her very attractive. We had kids late and I think I missed the transition to a mum bit from my monkey man brain and didnt grow up a bit.

Some of the comments and gestures that had been ok before were giving her the ick without me knowing. One day she just blew her top and I got it both barrels. I was quite upset I’d made her feel like that and wished she’d had told me sooner!!.

We too were not having much sex but I did a bit of reading. Took some good advice from MN and everything improved. If you love him tell him he won’t want to make you feel like shit I’d hope the complete opposite.

Id go down the route of “ Do you know when you spank my arse it makes me want to shag you just a little bit less “ My DW was a little bit harsher!!