Why is the bar so fucking low?!

[Cuppatealover]

I'm trying and failing miserably in the dating game.
Obviously I know not all men are the same. There are good ones out there but seemingly impossible to find.
The bar is so low in terms of expectations and willingness to put in an ounce of effort. Chats on online dating either fizzle quickly as they don't seem to want to or are unable to maintain a conversation. If they do, it very quickly turns to explicit chat and I would say it's 9 times out of 10 this way.
A bold statement, but at the age or 33, nearly 34, I'm starting to really dislike a lot of men and have completely lost faith in finding a life-long partner.
This isn't uncommon for my single friends either. I hear to same things time and time again from their experiences too.
Even friends who I would consider to be in good relationships tell me about their partners/husbands and how they are e.g. moody if not having regular sex (something I've also experienced in relationships), not pulling their weight with the children/housework etc. Is this where we've really got to? Where you find a decent one then it turns to shit anyway with women once again baring the responsibilities whilst being expected to basically be thrilled when men want them for sex?! Cause it's all they seem to want!
Absolutely burnt out with it and reaching the end of my tether when I feel I'm putting effort in and it isn't reciprocated. I've stopped messaging men who aren't very communicative. Then of course the conversations just stop if I'm not initiating. I've stopped being even the slightest bit flirty/giving compliments as it just turns to sex talk. Then again, any communication just stops. Are there any men out there who actually want a relationship and don't just think about getting their leg over 23 hours of the 24 in a day! I should mention that these men I am "speaking" with are on dating apps. Clearly they aren't meant for "dating".

So after "sexy chat" you got "sexy time"?

Sorry, but sounds all a bit Borat to me!

Haha… not quite like that, but yes.

I deliberately left the mankini in the bottom drawer though!

I know I’m at risk of repeating myself here - but I do think not engaging in any ‘sexy chat’ is possibly counter-productive for women on OLD… a lot of men ARE motivated by sex… they might not need to know that it’s on the table for a first date - but the idea that it will be on the table at some point is important.

if a woman says to me on our first conversation “ sorry, I don’t do sex chat “ - I just hear “ I’m a prude. “ That might not be fair, but I think a lot of men would feel the same.

DD is 21 and says she is giving up and sticking to her pets. She has had 3 serious relationships so far

1. Controlling arsehole who hated women
2. Lovely but was convinced he was going to die every time he sneezed and wanted her to get rid of her pets
3. cheated on her and then went nuts when she (kindly) dumped him as a result and told everyone on their Uni campus that she had ruined his life

She also does not want to do anything sexual at all until she has been on a few dates and gets to know them so depsite getting many many invites for dates the young men usually ghost her as soon as she makes her boundaries clear.

Perhaps widen your age bracket. How do you know there didn't someone put there ,37 or 46 out there who you might like.

The fact you use misogynistic language and judge a woman on whether she wants to sext with a stranger online really tells us all we need to know.

Many women would think men wanting to send sexual messages from the off as not fussy about where they stick it, just casting the net wide for an easy shag.

We've all been inundated with these sleazy types and it’s tedious

What misogynistic language have I used?

Go on, then. Give us an example.

I do have to laugh at your previous post that afterwards you'd 'broaden the chat into other areas - hobbies, interests, favourite books and films' - amazing that (you claim) you've met someone this way, since it goes against pretty much what every woman says, not just in this thread and elsewhere.

I mean, only showing proper interest in a person after 'sexy chat'? Gross.

“ I mean, only showing proper interest in a person after sexy chat “

I mean, that’s not quite what I said, but never mind…

A more accurate version would be “ I like to chat in a flirty way with people; if they reciprocate it makes me think they’re more likely to be on my wavelength and therefore with a better chance of longer-term compatibility. “

Im a bloke and I don’t agree with this at all. Until you’ve met how do you even know if you fancy the person? While was using OLD it was getting to know you chat, then meet, then get flirty if there was a spark. I can’t imagine flirting sexually with someone I’ve never met

“ I can’t imagine flirting sexually with someone I’ve never met. “

Really? Ok, well, horses for courses then I guess.

Im here waiting for that example of ‘classy sexy chat’ @IcyPlumShaker

Cringing already…

Real life most likely better than dating apps. Its almost as if the usual herd instinct cuts in with the men on dating apps as you describe, who seem to think talk of sex is required. So predictable and pathetic really. And the lack of effort just not on. I really feel your frustration with these sad specimens. Look elsewhere OP. I did not meet my lovely DH until I was 35.

Dating apps create a world of plenty. No need to put effort in and easy come easy go.

Yeah, I’m not putting myself out there just to be ridiculed. Thanks all the same.

I do stand by my approach though. I’ve had a couple of great relationships - not one night stands - through OLD so I’m happy with it.

And I just hear 🤮

Why would a woman randomly say "sorry I dont do sex chat" in a first conversation unless you did indeed so "sex chat"

Defo widen ur age bracket! Im your age with a much younger man and it's the most loving, honest and fulfilling relationship ive ever been in.

Granted we did meet OLD but I previously I was OLD for 9 months or so

Granted, I didnt meet my DP OLD but, I did a year on and off on Hinge.

I met some really nice guys, no red flags presented in the time I spoke with them or spent with them, noone lied and turned up different etc. Most only went to 3rd dates or so, one person I saw for a couple of months.

I was very clear what I was looking for on both my profile and during chat. Im sure I used a line like "if you are looking for a hookup don't bother" and "owner of 2 children who take up most of my time"

I used different pics of me, none filtered, hair up, hair down, not dressed up or anything, just regular pictures of me enjoying my hobbies. I didnt struggle for dates or interest despite what I typed on my profile. Im not big headed either im average looking at best (although DP tells me otherwise) but im funny, can have some banter, easy to talk to and am interesting because of my hobbies.

I made sure I only chatted for around 48 hours then if thdy didn't lead with meeting up I would suggest it. If they couldnt meet within a week id end it there. First date was a day date at Costa or something.
Lots of first dates turned into nothing.
I remembered these guys were strangers tol at least 5th date.

So there are good men out there, I met plenty, they just wernt suited to me/me them.

Keep yoir standards and boundaries high to ensure the p*rvs dont message you. Never in my life have I ever been sexted on OLD nor any pics sent

(And no im not sad) 😂

OneShyQuail I have to say my experience tallies with yours and I have met my really nice partner through online dating so I think there are decent men out there.

I would definitely say meet the guy first though before engaging in any sexual banter because you've got to see whether you fancy them or not.

I used to try to meet them straight away or as early as possible because if you're texting for too long then you either run out of steam or a false intimacy starts to develop where you think you know each other but you don't because you've not even met each other.

Could not have put it better.

The false sense of intimacy and false sense of connection is very damaging to self esteem and even dangerous sometimes.

I was not ashamed of what I was looking for and what I didnt want. I was not personal or rude just firm and I was myself. That either works for a man or it doesnt. Same visa versa, not every is my cup of tea either and I wouldn't begrudge anyone wanting a ONS, I dont judge, that just wasnt for me.

You have the power to invite into your life what you want. Dont sell yourself short ladies!

When my long term relationship ended very unexpectedly 4 years ago I was 37 with 2 young children. I never thought id meet anyone else. Never say never!

🙄 blokes think this is great, it isn't.

Lots of women just want to 🤮🤢 when OLD men do want yiu think is sexy chat. Sending pics usually follows. Grim. Avoid.

It was a total nightmare for me to begin with on OLD and I ended up dating a few men that turned out to be total waste of space a-holes. Messed me about badly.
After one particularly awful date I decided to change my profile and wrote one cutting out all of the crap, detailing exactly what I was looking for (as a feminist in particular), and underlining the fact that my children would always be my priorty (and I made zero apology for that). Basically - "I'm like this, and if you don't want this, then don't waste my time and jog on."
The next man I dated I ended up marrying, and here we are 8 plus years later. He appreciates my feistiness! 😀

"After one particularly awful date I decided to change my profile and wrote one cutting out all of the crap, detailing exactly what I was looking for (as a feminist in particular), and underlining the fact that my children would always be my priorty (and I made zero apology for that). Basically - "I'm like this, and if you don't want this, then don't waste my time and jog on.""

This is exactly the principle of the Burned Haystack approach:

"In the digital dating sphere, “burning the haystack” means obliterating 99 per cent of the dating field immediately so that you’re able to see the 1 per cent that might be right for you. There’s no shortage of men who want to date you, but finding the good ones among the masses of men you don’t want can seem nearly impossible. The good ones are out there, though, and this method makes them more findable."

I've spoken to my friend about this. She has hundreds of sex chat blokes with zero interest in her, they just want to see if she'll join in and then come the grim pictures.

Cutting the chaff and deleting the type of men that think sex chat and grim pictures is the way to go would help weed out the pointless ones. Some men appear to be on there for years. I wonder why!

My theory is that quite a lot of the problem is that decent men who want a committed relationship will mostly be settled down and married by the time they’re in their 30s and unless the woman cheats or dies they’re probably not going to come back onto the market until at least their 50s when kids have flown the nest and the marriage might have just grown apart.

So in 30s and 40s you’re left with the rubbish ones.