Why is the bar so fucking low?!

[Cuppatealover]

I'm trying and failing miserably in the dating game.
Obviously I know not all men are the same. There are good ones out there but seemingly impossible to find.
The bar is so low in terms of expectations and willingness to put in an ounce of effort. Chats on online dating either fizzle quickly as they don't seem to want to or are unable to maintain a conversation. If they do, it very quickly turns to explicit chat and I would say it's 9 times out of 10 this way.
A bold statement, but at the age or 33, nearly 34, I'm starting to really dislike a lot of men and have completely lost faith in finding a life-long partner.
This isn't uncommon for my single friends either. I hear to same things time and time again from their experiences too.
Even friends who I would consider to be in good relationships tell me about their partners/husbands and how they are e.g. moody if not having regular sex (something I've also experienced in relationships), not pulling their weight with the children/housework etc. Is this where we've really got to? Where you find a decent one then it turns to shit anyway with women once again baring the responsibilities whilst being expected to basically be thrilled when men want them for sex?! Cause it's all they seem to want!
Absolutely burnt out with it and reaching the end of my tether when I feel I'm putting effort in and it isn't reciprocated. I've stopped messaging men who aren't very communicative. Then of course the conversations just stop if I'm not initiating. I've stopped being even the slightest bit flirty/giving compliments as it just turns to sex talk. Then again, any communication just stops. Are there any men out there who actually want a relationship and don't just think about getting their leg over 23 hours of the 24 in a day! I should mention that these men I am "speaking" with are on dating apps. Clearly they aren't meant for "dating".

Experiences of OLD from 5 years ago are very out-of-date.

Everyone talks about how much it has changed, and how the golden age was 5 years ago. Covid I think pretty much destroyed it, and there is a growing backlash against it.

Bumble laid off 1/3 of its workforce.

I’m a man and when I was OLD I found it just as hard work. Very few of the women I chatted to had much to say and most of the initial opening messages weee ‘hi’ ‘hey!’ Or ‘how r u?’ - if I ever responded to any of these messages, which was rarely, the conversation never got any better and it was always very one sided.

And the times where there was at least some kind of conversation, the woman would 75% of the time turn it sexual - so I promise you it’s not just the men that get sexual!

If I ever sent the initial message, I would always try and pick something out of their profile , showing had read it and was genuinely interested. If someone did the same for me I would always respond, but unfortunately, this rarely happened.

its hard work but I have found the most amazing partner now so keep on plugging away!

This is a great post! I was a bloke on OLD for a while (widowed) and I mainly had fun, got a lot of dates but the amount of lying, I didn’t even recognise one woman who turned up for date, she must have been at least 15 years older than she claimed.

There were inconsistent messages, dates cancelled etc. I learnt to develop a thick skin and as I said ended up having fun.

But I’m not convinced I’d ever meet someone long term on there, it’s just too random who you match with I think. I ended up meeting someone at work, we were frends for about 9 months before we got together, gives a much more stable base for a relationship

OLD is shit. I'm sorry, but its full of trash. There are some OK people but they are few and far between... I dont know what the answer is! But the best relationships I had were the ones where I met someone IRL. The shittiest ones - OLD.

There might be something in this. The most spectacularly bad partner I had I met on OLD

Wonder whether there is something in the fact that OLD makes it known someone is actively looking. I know that much is obvious, but wonder whether it actively encourages individuals who want to take advantage of any perceived ‘desperation’ (not saying it is desperate, just wondering whether it brings the poor behaviours to the surface!!).

It’s a shame people don’t interact so much nowadays.

No wonder there is a male loneliness epidemic

I’m male , and the conversation fizzles out thing is exactly the same for me - I think that’s gender irrelevant really- if it dies out after the first few messages then there is no point trying any more really 🤔

Bloke here.

When I was OLD I would quite often go for a sexy chat quite early - not because I wanted to get my rocks off, but because sex is really important in a relationship and I wanted to meet someone who felt the same.

once I’d established that, I’d quite often broaden the chat into other areas - hobbies, interests, favourite books and films etc.

I appreciate that not everyone wants to jump straight into sexting - but surely a little flirting is ok?

Who are you suggesting is desperate?

Don’t try to have long conversations on a dating app. If you like someone’s looks and job, then ask them for a coffee. Nobody has the motivation to msg back and forth with strangers online. You can have your conversation over coffee.

I can tell you, women who are looking for a long-term relationship generally absolutely fucking HATE it when men try to wiggle in sexual innuendo. Obviously women on OLD are looking to date with the intention - at some point in the future - to have sex. But they find it absolutely crude, presumptuous, and repulsive when a man immediately steers the convo to sex. This is the number 1 reason women don't respond to men's profiles or messages. It is also the number 1 reason women give up and get off OLD, because they feel dirty having been so relentlessly objectified and treated as a hole by a tsunami of sex-obsessed men.

So you like giving the impression that a shag is more important than getting to know more about someone?

Not wanting to go to immediate sexting with a stranger doesn’t mean someone isn’t into sex, it means they want a bit more depth than that.

Anyone who starts mentioning my body or making sexual comments from the off is a red flag that they’re after a shag and not fussy who with.

Women looking for more than a hook
up or casual find immediate sexual messages grim and sleazy

100% this. I can’t think of much I find grubbier than men who think sexting strangers is the way to win them round.

We've had far too many of these sleazy creeps and it’s tedious as fuck.

Men who treat women as equal humans not walking vaginas have much more chance of a good sexual partner than the ones who act like Jay from the Inbetweeners

I promise it’s quite classy flirting. It’s not:

” How big are your breasts? “ or

” Do you f*ck on first dates? “

And it does work.

I think with OLD you get what you pay for. Appreciate it’s no longer around but I met DH on Guardian Soulmates. At the time, it was one of the few OLD sites that required a subscription and the quality of men was much much higher. All the free sites like Plenty of Fish were full of monosyllabic chancers who just wanted to get their leg over.

I know it’s hard, but if I were you I would come off OLD and focus on increasing your chances of meeting someone the old fashioned way.

I also agree with this. Fizzling chat is natural selection at its finest.

As I said, I don’t think it is desperate. But wonder whether simply being on an OLD platform gives some individuals (with poor motives) the opportunity to take advantage of what they perceive as potentially being more open to poor behaviour. I didn’t say anyone was desperate, but those individuals may perceive it as such. Or are desperate themselves because other relationship/s have walked away from their red flags.

I think part of the issue is that people are on OLD for a variety of reasons and they're not always upfront about what they are.

Certainly the specimen I was describing had a long history of short relationships (naturally with crazy exes)

Grr. It’s pretty mind blowing that this behaviour (from my experience so far) is often coming from people who are surely old enough to have some degree of emotional maturity. I’ve come away from any form of OLD now. Perhaps expecting to meet a decent person in real life is a stretch, but as it stands, I’m prepared to take my chances.

People really have arrested development, emotionally children, and if they're nearing retirement age and not willing to do the work, they're not going to change.

Are you with someone now?

Yes, I am.

Someone I met through OLD. A bit of flirty chat to begin with, then a drink to see if we get on, lots of talk about interests, values, hopes and dreams etc, all before hopping into bed to see if the physical side was as good as we hoped it could be.

Been together six months now.

im not disagreeing with pp who say that leaping straight into ‘ let’s shag ‘ is really off putting… but I do think a bit of flirty chat can be good. Dating is supposed to be fun after all!

I've never been on a dating app and never would.

I am 54 and met my partner 5 years ago through mutual friends.

All other past relationships started before apps and you just met people in real life, just going about your day to day life.

When my exH left me 7 years ago, I decided to be on my own. Either forever or just until I met someone. It was a nice time. I read a lot of books and created a few things (artwork) that I am really proud of. I used that time to nurture my soul and it was great.

I would delete the apps and try to enjoy being on your own for a while.

Same, I ended up in a relationship with a stalker from OLD.
I gave up, ended up meeting someone IRL who’s younger than me and thought he’d made a nice fling. We now have 2 children 😂