Living with DH can be so very miserable

[birdsinginginthemorning]

DH suffers from a bad back, aching hips and sciatica. I slipped a disc in my back years ago so I do get how painful it is and how much it takes out of you.

I think this is the problem though; when I’ve been in a lot of pain I’ve just had to get on with it. With DH, it’s endless winces and groans and pulled faces. It makes me feel guilty for doing totally normal things. I honestly think left to his own devices he’d just want to lie in bed all day (not good for your back anyway.)

He’s finally been to the GP and seen a physiotherapist which wasn’t very helpful. I know it’s not his fault but sometimes the groaning and wincing just gets me down.

But what's the treatment plan? What is he doing about it?

There isn’t one, which isn’t unusual for back problems. You’re given medication to manage pain but they haven’t really done that for DH. He does need to lose weight but obviously that isn’t going to happen for months.

I am supposed to be out today, it’s the first day ‘off’ I’ve had since July. And I’m feeling like I shouldn’t be going.

You should be going out, you need and deserve it. But perhaps if you racked up thr sympathy a bit he might not have to wince so much!

Please go out and do what you have planned!
Your physical and mental health are important too.

Send him to a chiropractor. Physio and GPs did absolutely nothing for me bar pain management drugs.

A chiropractor fixed me. Yeah I still get pains sometimes. I groan and wince occasionally too! But it's so much better!

Definitely go out though! Him having a bad back, hips and sciatica shouldn't stop you from doing whatever you want to do.

Yet again, a woman having to put a bloke first, when he should be a bit more proactive about his own health. What ever happened to the phrase 'man up'?

Take some pain killers. Stop with the pathetic attention grabbing. A wife isn't a nurse and you can 100% bet he would not show her any sympathy if the roles were reversed and would probably expect his dinner cooked, his laundry done and the house clean despite her pain.

He needs to go back to the GP and get different medication to deal with his ailments. There's no point suffering in silence (or not, in his case). I've been suffering sciatic pain since having a knee replacement in November. I couldn't sit or lie comfortably at all. GP prescribed Amitriptyline. Although often used as an antidepressant, it also dulls nerve pain and it's been great. Also helps you sleep. Also, if his current painkillers aren't helping, ask to try something else. What's causing the hip pain? Does your DH need a hip replacement?

I second this.

This!

It maybe not his fault he is in pain but it’s fault if he has done nothing to improve the situation.

Get him to use weight loss injections, part of his own plan. A council owned gym near us does sessions specifically for back problems, anything similar near you.(with medical specialist their) Back to GP, pain meds need altering so he can move more, this helps.
Last resort buy your airpods and cover with your hair only take out when he's eating!

Meant to add to my previous post - you say he'd probably prefer to lie in bed all day. If he's lying in bed or slouching on the sofa a lot, it'll make his back pain worse.

Has he had scans on his hips? If they need replacing you could find surgery also helps the back pain in time, as it's often an altered walking gait that causes the pain if you have hip or knee pain. I've become more active since having my knee replaced and I'm walking better without a limp. My almost constant back pain has also disappeared.

The problem is I can’t arrange those things for him … he has to do it. He only got the appointment as I made him.

He’s on WLIs but it’s slow progress. It’ll be months before there’s a discernible difference.

Last resort buy your airport and cover with your hair only take out when he's eating! what?

He hasn’t had anything. Literally the only thing that’s happened is he’s had one appointment with the GP which transpired to be with the physiotherapist. That’s been it.

Just make him an appointment at a chiropractor and take him yourself then. Even more so if it will make your life easier/better. You shouldn't have to but some people need everything doing for them 🤬

He won't thank you (initially!) as it's painful, but a few sessions in and you will both see a change.

Then give it to him straight. He needs to be proactive and get back to the GP to discuss his ailments and a treatment plan and/or investigations. My GP also suggested physio initially when I went with knee pain. When I went back and badgered them they arranged scans and it turned out I was bone-on-bone in my right knee and no amount of physio was going to cure that. Be truthful that you're finding it hard to deal with his constant whinging but lack of proactiveness in doing anything about it. I'd definitely be going out and not feeling guilty about it if he's so lazy.

A few things stood out for me here.

You chose to 'just get on with it's because that's how you want to be. You could have asked for more sympathy yourself.

Also there's less NHS support than 'years ago' and the hassle of getting appointments is known to be deterring people from seeking timely help.

Be tolerant towards him and be nice to yourself - no need to feel guilty about doing things you can do.

Am I paying for this as well?

Chiropractors aren’t an automatic cure to be honest. I never found it massively helpful. And this is where I do sympathise; it will get better eventually if / when he manages to lose weight but it’s a slow process, he’s shifted a few pounds since January began but only about 3/4lbs so it’s likely to be a long journey!

What's he eating? I know that the first month is an introductory dose but he could be losing more if he put his mind to it. How committed is he?

Has he had any scans or x-rays done of the sore areas? He needs to go back and ask for imaging. In my country a decent physio won’t touch you until you’ve had imaging done to check for obvious abnormalities.

Prescription anti-inflammatory medication would probably help his pain.

Cortisone injections can be amazing if clinically indicated.

What about swimming or aqua aerobics? His body will be supported by the water and put less weight on his joints. It could help the weight loss and strengthen his back and hip muscles.

He might need to increase his dose of WLI.

My DH was having awful hip pain. X-rays showed an unusual but normal hip bone structure. He was referred to a physio who specialises in hips and legs. The exercises he prescribed were like magic to ease his hips and strengthen the muscles around his hips. A few years on and he still does them to keep his hips comfortable.

@birdsinginginthemorning Please go out as planned and enjoy yourself.

@newornotnew it isn’t about sympathy. But yes … when I’ve been heavily pregnant and with a toddler to look after and after two c sections and with chronic back problems … I have had to get on with it. DH doesn’t have to - because I am there, which is frustrating.

I have lots of sympathy for people who live with chronic pain but I find I soon loose it if they put no effort into attempting to keep themselves in the best possible heath that they can.
i don’t think you can change him but you can set your own boundaries- is he making you feel guilty or is that something you can work on your response to his pain?

Massive sympathy here.

DH has (apparently permanent) nerve pain in feet and legs. Amitriptyline takes the edge off but he only takes a piddling dose as upping it triggers pre-existing heart fibrillation.

Every day is gloomy, basically. He's not really on any treatment plan since he stopped increasing the amitriptyline dose.

It's not my pain, but as well as saddened for him I'm pretty down about my life too. Waking up every day to groaning and misery is hard. And I have to try not to show it.

My 2 pence worth. Fast weight loss is not good because not sustainable, chances are the body/brain will cause an increase in appetite to regain that weight. Very slow weight loss would increase the chances of not regaining once off the wli.
Just to add, how about daily gentle walking.

chiropractor appointments regularly, deep heat acupuncture. Better sun medication from doctors. There are loads of things he can do I use physio tape occasionally on recommendation of chiropractor. All back problems are painful I can honestly say I don’t think my partner has ever been inconvenienced by mine though apart from me booking appointments on his day off so he could care for baby he drove me to appointments and stayed in car we used to take baby to a park and get coffee afterwards. Partner enjoyed going. Don’t stay home your not his nurse.

It is so hard. It isn’t that I’m not sympathetic, it’s just hard to be constantly sympathetic, isn’t it?